Batman and the Ruining of the Franchise
It was reported last week that Eddie Murphy was set to play the Riddler in the next Batman film. This comes on the heels of the same publication reporting Cher was set to play Catwoman in the same film. In response, Warner Bros. has decided to announce the current cast and crew of the next Batman film exclusively here on The Four Stars Blog. Here it is.
First of all a new director has been hired for the new movie. Christopher Nolan has been brushed aside for the more well known director of such films as Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys 2, Michael Bay. When asked what he plans to do with the next Batman film, Mr. Bay said, "First of all, I plan to start the movie with an explosion. Then that will lead into another explosion, which leads into a bigger explosion. It's gonna be all like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, BOOM!" When asked about a plot for the film, Mr. Bay replied, "Plot? Plot! Here's your fucking plot! Shit! Blows! Up! The End!"
Controversy arises again in the choice of the actor to play Batman. Christian Bale is out. Instead, another actor has been chosen who breaks the mold of actors to play the caped crusader. This actor is not athletic, not physically attractive, and is generally repulsive when not acting in a comedy. The new actor cast as Batman is none other than Danny DeVito. When asked about this role, Mr DeVito said, "I've wanted to play this role ever since Batman Returns. I even wanted to play Batman in that, but no, they had to go with Michael Keaton. Well, how did that turn out?" When asked about when filming is scheduled, Mr. DeVito said, "Right after filming for the next season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia ends." When asked what It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is, Mr. DeVito attempted to punch me in the face. However because he's five foot tall, all he accomplished was punching me slightly below my breastbone.
Another controversy comes in the choice of the actor to play Robin. Speculation and rumors have abounded for years about the nature of the relationship between Batman and Robin. It now appears as if Michael Bay is ready to tackle these rumors head on. Mr. Bay has cast the proudly gay Canadian musician Rufus Wainwright as Robin. Mr. Wainwright did make a statement about this, however because of his heavy Canadian accent, I was unable to understand it.
Other roles in the new Batman film, Batman and the Ruining of the Franchise, has yet to be set or cast. Neither has a release date, but expect on that date for nerds across the world to lead a revolution against DC Comics, Warner Brothers Entertainment, and all things connected to Michael Bay. Los Angeles, California is expected to the the first city to be burned to the ground in a style reminiscent of a Michael Bay film.