Ever since it’s unveiling at the Electronic Entertainment Expo, rumors have been swirling about what the Playstation 3 Motion Controller will actually be, what it will look like, and how it will be utilized in upcoming games. To this point none of these questions have been answered but one critical question has been answered: Who will manufacture the Playstation 3 Motion Controllers for Sony? The answer to that question is Dillco. This spurns another question: Who in the world is Dillco?
Dillco is a Sacramento, California based company with its corporate offices located in this building located at 105 Jeremy Plaza. Before winning the contract to manufacture the PS3 Motion Controller, Dillco’s best selling product line was a series of molded latex sexual activity assistants, more commonly referred to as dilldos. Dillco’s “Discrete Pleasure” line includes big dilldos, small dilldos, dilldos that climb on rocks, fat dilldos, skinny dilldos, even dilldos with chicken pox.
When reached for a comment, Dillco president Jeremy Longphun said, “We are as surprised as about this choice as you are. Honestly we put in out bid as a joke, we never thought Sony would ever choose us. It’s going to be a challenge to make a product whose primary use is not insertion into an intimate location. We know that will be the product’s secondary use but clearly not the first.”
When told of the previous history of Dillco, Sony of America chief Jack Tretton said, “Really? Oh shit. Bye,” then bolted from the room.
No one can say just how the Playstation 3 Motion Controller will be used with its big, black, burly, shiny mate, and, if we truly aspire to be a dignified society, perhaps we should not say. Besides, the details of that nature will just make the lonely suicidal.
WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2010 Review
Remember my review for Prototype and how I spent most of the review complaining about the in-game ads? Well, after much searching, I have discovered a magical elixir to calm my rage. What is this elixir? Fanta.
Fanta is a glorious orange-flavored beverage brought to you by the fine people at Coca-Cola. Fanta is a beverage that quenches my thirst while filling my body with its sugary orange goodness. I take Fanta with me wherever I do. I drink Fanta at work, in the car, in the shower, at the sexatorium, everywhere! I especially drink Fanta while I’m playing video games. The unparalleled joy I experience while consuming Fanta is the only thing that distracts me form the rage I feel when I see in-game advertisements. One of the sources of such rage is WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2010. Here is an example of some of the ads contained in WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2010.
Mobil 1? What use do I have for that? The last time I used Mobil 1 Brand Motor Oil was when I visited that reservoir.
Twix. Two for me, FUCK YOU!
Why the fuck do I need overpriced merchandise that appeals mainly to- Oh my god! Look at this Triple H T-Shirt!
Other than the in-game ads, I have no real complaints about this game. I thoroughly enjoy dropkicking John Cena, bludgeoning John Cena, throwing John Cena off the top of Hell In A Cell, and performing other various violent acts against John Cena.
Some may consider WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2010 just a roster update and condemn it for that reason. Under that logic we can condemn Madden NFL, NBA Live, NBA 2K, Tiger Woods PGA, Fifa soccer, and any other sports or sports related video game that comes out on an annual basis. If that is that complaint you make about these games you probably weren’t going to pick it up anyway. The critical question should be is WWE Smackdown Vs. Raw 2010 better than WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2009. The answer is yes. The gameplay tweeks enhance the game experience while maintaining the difficulty, the tutorial is easier to navigate through and makes the game more approachable, and the graphics, while not lifelike, are among the best seen in a fighting game involving real people. In this tight economic time, WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2010 is easily worth the $60 you will spend on it.
WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2010: B+
A group of kids walk up to Hunter Red’s house on Halloween. The porch light at Hunter Red’s house is not on. They ring the doorbell. Hunter opens the door.
Kids- Trick or treat!
Hunter- I don’t have any candy.
Kid- Why not?
Hunter- I live alone and I don’t want to encourage kids to ring the doorbell on strange guy’s houses.
Hunter closes the door. A couple of minutes later one of the kid’s mother rings Hunter’s doorbell. Hunter opens the door.
Mother- (In a shrill, grating tone of voice) Why did you tell my kids you don’t have any candy?
Hunter- Because I don’t.
M- It’s Halloween. You’re supposed to have candy!
H- But I don’t. That’s why I don’t have my porch light on.
M- What does that mean?
H- Well, when I was a kid my parents told me to only go to the houses that had their porch light on because they were the houses with candy. I thought everyone followed that system.
M- That’s not the system WE are operating on.
H- Okay, what is the system?
M- You’re supposed to have candy!
H- Yeah, I’m going to close the door now. If you want to keep on ranting, just try to keep it down or I’ll have to turn up my German Orchestral Death Metal.
Hunter closes the door. Hunter then goes to his home office, gets a piece of printer paper and a black marker, and makes a sign that reads “SORRY KIDS, NO CANDY, HAPPY HALLOWEEN”. Hunter takes this sign, tapes it on his front door, and turns the porch light on. About half an hour later a group of kids ring Hunter’s doorbell. Hunter opens the door.
Kids- Trick or treat!
Hunter- I don’t have any candy.
Hunter- Didn’t you kids read my sign?
Hunter- Why not?
Kid- We go to public school, we can’t read.
Hunter- Ah. Well. I’d offer you kids alcohol but that would be really wrong, so, bye.
Hunter closes the door.
Happy Halloween to the kids,
and to my neighbors I sincerely apologize... that you people suck!
By the way, only 63 days left until the Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards! Submit your nominations today or any day before December 15th. Also, only 54 days until Christmas. Steal your gifts early!
On October 19th the Obama Administration released a directive to the Department of Justice ordering them to stop enforcement of current drug laws in cases that have to do with the manufacturing, distribution, and use of marijuana for medicinal use. In short, President Obama ordered a stop to the federal government crackdown on medical marijuana.
While I do believe this to be a positive step and a generally good thing, I do have a problem with this move. The non-enforcement of marijuana laws was an Obama campaign promise as was the repeal of the US Military’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has yet to be repealed or acted upon. What this implicitly says is that the Obama Administration values users of marijuana over homosexuals. I am confident in saying that’s not the case but the Obama Administration actions on one but not the other speaks volumes about their priorities.
In the past I have been practically caviler about how fortunate I was. I was one of the only people that had never experienced the Red Rings Of Death. On October 22nd, 2009 I experienced RROD.
It’s weird coming face to face with your weakness. For a time I felt so impotent. I had fallen down from my place of glory down to a level equal to all of you. On that day I felt so low.
Now I’m regaining my confidence. Now I’m climbing back to that place of glory and I never want to be down there with you people again.
Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due
One of the things that annoys me more than anything else is impotent complaint. I absolutely hate it when someone fruitlessly yells about something rather tham acting to do away with what has angered them. Many Christian Coalition Corporation Groups are guilty of this. Many groups just endlessly complain rather than taking substantive action to create the world they hold as ideal.
It is because of this that I feel compelled to point out and give credit to any spiritual organization that actually makes a substantive effort to create their ideal in the video game realm. I do this because I wish to reward their behavior even if I do disagree with their ideal. I present just such an example now.
Guitar Praise is a music rhythm game made by Digital Praise. Guitar Praise is a PC only title available at www.guitarpraise.com. This game includes songs from such Christian rock bands as Reliant K, Whitecross, Thousand Year Krutch, and Newsboys.
I cannot review Guitar Praise as I have not played it but I like this game as a concept. What Digital Praise had done is they have acted in a substantive way. Rather than endlessly complaining about how the world should be they have done something to create that world. They have given the video game consumer an alternative to games that are violent, obscene, and take away from the spirit, and I have to give them credit for that.
Guitar Praise: A move in a positive direction.
And Now For Something Completely Different
It’s that time of the year. There’s a crisp feeling in the air, the major sports leagues are ramping up, and a young man’s thoughts turn to just how broke he is about to be. That’s right, the time is here. It’s time for the Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards to begin, and each and every one of you has the opportunity to participate in it.
Simply contact me with who you believe should walk away with the Four Star Gaming Award in any or all of the seven award categories. Games eligible for this year’s awards are games released from October 1st to December 15th 2009. The categories are:
Game of the Year
Xbox 360 Game of the Year
Wii Game of the Year
PS3 Game of the Year
Downloadable Game of the Year
Disappointment of the Year
Non-Gaming Thing Deserving of an Award
There are a number of ways for you to contact me. Either comment on the blog post that you have read this on, email me (Redertainment@live.com), message me on Facebook (Hunter Red), or Twitter me (@Redertainment). Submissions are due by December 15th with the Four Star Gaming Awards being presented on January 3rd, 2010. I look forward to a strong response to this call for nominations and incorporating many different viewpoints into this year’s Four Star Gaming Awards.
Former First Lady of the United States Laura Bush is coming to Utah. She will be speaking at the 43rd annual Deer In The Headlight Convention at the Marriot Library at the University of Utah.
Activision Presents: Broadway Hero
Most everybody that plays video games has heard of Guitar Hero. If you haven’t you are seriously out of touch. The Guitar Hero franchise has branched out to DJ Hero, the long rumored Dance Hero, and the hotly anticipated Porno Hero. Now work had begun on a secret project that will take the Guitar Hero franchise into a different direction and expose the franchise to a new audience. That project will be revealed right now.
One of the iconic attractions of New York City is the Broadway Theater District. Broadway shows had a total revenue of $713.7 million in 2008 and contributed to NYC’s $32.1 billion tourism industry. Many of the most iconic works in the history of theater have appeared on Broadway. These shows include West Side Story, Hair, Spamalot, The Lion King, and The Producers.
Previous attempts to bring Broadway shows to the video game realm have been met with mixed results. An Atari 2600 version of Cats was met with a general consensus of “Dear God why?” Releases in this genre were sporadic, all but stopping after the release of Id’s Phantom of The Opera, a first person shooter built on the original Doom engine. Now Activision wants to revive this mercifully dead genre.
Broadway Hero will come with fourteen complete shows on the disc with another twenty-five lined up to be released via DLC. Broadway Hero will feature genuine audio from such Broadway stars as Judy Garland, Liza Minelli, and Nathan Lane. Gameplay is expected to be a mix of DDR and Lips with just a hint of the quest system found in World Of Warcraft. A firm release date has yet to be set for this game but expect Broadway Hero to ship with a game, two wireless mics, two dance pads, two pairs of dance shoes needed for tap dance numbers, and enough sushi to enable you to fake an illness just like Jeremy Piven. Retailers have priced Broadway Hero at somewhere between $275 and $325, depending on the quality of the tuna.
Broadway Hero: Don’t just watch the show, BE the show!
Fun With Polls!
With the current healthcare legislation being hotly debated on America’s Capitol Hill, we were curious what people actually think of being sick. We partnered with the non-partisan group Poles For Polls to get a real handle on what real Americans really think about this real issue. Really.
We surveyed 113,497 people online over the course of the past week. Although we got responses from across the country, a surprising number of respondents were centered at 274 West Newberry St., Ft, Collins, Colorado. No one is sure as to why.
Of those that responded, 74% said that they “Absolutely And COMPLETELY Disliked” being sick. 20% responded that they “Disliked Being Sick”, while only 5% responded “Other”.
Remarkably only .00000881% of the respondents said that they actually liked being sick. This amounts to only one respondent having this viewpoint. We managed to track down this respondent. She is 49 year old Sylvia Earle, who asked to remain anonymous. The anonymous Miss Earle said of her response, “Being sick is the only way I can get that male nurse to pay any attention to me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my fully nude sponge bath.”
It is unknown how this poll will affect the debate over health care reform. Influential Republican senator Chuck Grassley, pictured above, said of this poll, “If we gave a damn about what people think do you think we’d be here right now?” Democratic representative Jim Matheson said, “There is only one thing that I know for certain: My G-string is full of money from the health care industry. By the way, is that thing on?”
Unfortunately the currently pending health care legislation is expected to fail shortly before Congress leaves for their Christmas break on November 20th. The health insurance industry is expected to hold on orgy to celebrate its demise. They will not be paying for this orgy, you will.
Really Easy Joke
Rick becomes Pacific hurricane off Mexico
I have a real problem with this story. I know that it’s extremely easy but easy jokes are not the most satisfying ones. If you want to make a fat joke about someone, it is not tasteful to say they are a hurricane. Seriously, get creative people.
Recently stories surfaces that claimed a merger was in the works between Microsoft and Electronic Arts. These stories led to an increase in the stock prices of both companies. Questions quickly arose about the validity of this story, the source behind it, and the motives therein. After some legal and illegal investigations done by the reporters at the Redertainment Corporation Of America, we have found the answer to those questions.
This is Gary Quagmire, known online as StraightedgerAFC. Gary is a video game fanatic. Gary doesn’t choose to express his fandom by purchasing every console under the sun. Nor does he have a delicately cataloged and preserved collection of every video game ever released. Mr. Quagmire collects stock. Gary Quagmire owns stock in every publicly traded video game company on Earth. From Square Enix to Take Two to Disney to Nintendo, everyone that is big, small, valuable, worthless, even bankrupt has Gary Quagmire as a shareholder. Upon hacking into his Etrade account, we learned that 57% of Gary Quagmire’s value in stock is wrapped up in Microsoft and Electronic Arts.
Gary Quagmire also maintains a blog entitled “THA STRAIGHTEDGERAFC ZONE!!1!!”. Mr. Quagmire’s blog posts have mostly been unremarkable. Long rambling rants about cheese, a request for help in finding his shoes, and short posts about how bored he is are the most significant things he posted about. That is until recently when Gary posted a blog entitles “EA/Microsoft Merger Inside Info”. In this post Gary quotes several industry insiders and several game industry executives about recent talks between Microsoft and Electronic Arts. It would appear as if this is the story that spurned the recent stories that were picked up by every gaming news site under the sun.
After talking with the persons sited in Mr. Quagmire’s story, it appears as if the story is entirely false. Peter Moore was quotes as saying, “Are you fucking shitting me?” So why did Gary post this story? Is Gary Quagmire just another jackass on the internet? No.
Gary’s recent Etrade activity includes the selling of some of his shares in Microsoft and Electronic Arts. This activity took place after the stock prices of both companies went up in response to the merger stories, stories he created. Fomenting stock prices in this manner is a very serious white-collar crime, one which Gary Quagmire appears to be guilty of.
We contacted the Securities and Exchange Commission about this possible crime. The only response we got was, “We will look into this right after we figure out why everyone is so hot and bothered about Bernard Madoff.” It is unknown what Gary Quagmire did with the profits from his recent stock market transactions. Although the most recent update on his Twitter feed was, “HOOK3R5 4|\|D B1O\/\/ FTW!”
R.C.O.A.: Insurrection In Your House!
Hunter Red walks into the offices of the Redertainment Corporation Of America. Immediately he sees a trail of muddy bootprints leading from the entrance to Seifer Kinneas’s office. Hunter walks over to Seifer’s office, pokes his head in and says-
Seifer- Yes Hunter, what can I help you with?
H- I noticed the muddy footprints and-
S- Yes, I did some gardening this weekend and got my work boots muddied up pretty good.
H- Yes, well I’m sure the people who work for you would really appreciate you not tracking mud through the office.
Seifer stands up from his chair and bellows-
S- Are you criticizing me?
H- No, I’m just-
S- You are criticizing me! Insurrection! Insurrection! Insurrection!
Hunter, being thoroughly annoyed with Seifer’s antics, walks over to his office. Seifer continues to bellow “Insurrection!” the whole time. Hunter closes the door to his office, sits at his desk, pulls out a bottle of bourbon and a glass from his desk, and pours himself a glass. As Hunter goes to drink the bourbon, he turns and sees someone in a dark corner in his office. It’s a person dressed like V from V For Vendetta.
V- Hello Hunter. Is the time for revolution at hand?
H- Robin, I don’t know how you did that voice just now, but I’m really not up for role playing right now.
The person dressed as V takes off the mask and reveals that it is in fact Robin Anderson.
Robin- Why not? Does this getup not do it for you?
H- It’s not that. Seifer’s being a general dick and I’m just not up for dealing with him right now.
R- So what am I supposed to do now?
H- Take the cape off and go to work.
R- I can’t really do that.
H- Why, are you naked under there?
Robin opens her cape and reveals-
R- I’m wearing sexy lingerie.
Robin sullenly walks out of Hunter’s office. As Robin is walking across the R.C.O.A. office Seifer says-
S- Hey Robin, what are ya, trying to redefine the office dress code?
Hunter looks at his bottle of bourbon and says-
H- Let’s see how effective a bottle of bourbon is as a blunt object.
Hunter grabs the bottle of bourbon by the neck, stands up, and storms over to Seifer’s office.
To The Douchebag With The Bad Hair…
I was taking the train into town, listening to the automated announcements, when I thought, “What would be the gaming equivalent of these announcements?” The following is what I came up with.
Just a reminder to all players on mic, your opponent does not want detailed information about their mother’s sex life.
Please note that in a normal civilized society it is not acceptable to use words of curse at a high rate of frequency.
To the guy in the upper right hand quadrant of the screen: I am aware of what a real mushroom looks like and what you are exhibiting is not it.
To the person currently on mic: Yes, Metallica does in fact rock. However, you do not need to prove that Metallica rocks by screaming lyrics to their songs at maximum volume.
Please note that the fact that I utterly dominate in an online environment is not a reason to question my sexual orientation.
To the person currently on mic: Persons who actually have entered into a romantic relationship with a person of the opposite gender do not need to proclaim such while playing Halo.
To the person in the upper left quadrant of the screen: I don’t know what exactly you are doing with your hands, but I’m reporting you.
To the person currently on mic: I won. Therefore I do not suck.
Just a reminder to all players: If you plan to play video games while nude, as a courtesy to your fellow players, please turn your vision camera off. Thank you.
Despite persistent internet rumors to the contrary, I will give you up, I will let you down, I will run around, and I definitely will desert you.
While I do comment you for not operating a motor vehicle in your current state, it is also unacceptable to play video games online while drunk or high.
Just a note, if your gamertag is comprised exclusively of leet speak, the only person who will expediently recognize your name is you.
In order to send an audio message over Live, you must first turn your microphone on.
This is part three of A Farcical Scheme. To understand this more fully, please read parts one and two. For those of you that have been following this, there will be a test at the end. Enjoy!
David rose from his chair, more as a dramatic move than anything else, took a deep breath, and said something that at the time was borderline heretical. “The first thing we should do is tank the election.”
This statement was met with open hostility. No better expressed than by Brent. “That’s political suicide.”
“No,” David sternly shot back. “The student body wants a Dove, any Dove. The right Dove, the wrong Dove, the Dove that happens to be around, they want a Dove. To deny the student body their Dove would be political suicide. So we need to tank the election, however we need to appear as if we’re putting up a fight.” David then motioned to Darren. “Darren, I like Jeremy Arizona as a candidate for this plan.”
Darren immediately shook his head. “No, I am not going to use my friend like this.”
David responded, “I know it’s wrong to use him like this, but who else is there? Every other candidate is repulsive to the student body in some way.”
Darren, continuing to defend his friend, said, “Then how are you going to tank the election then?”
David then put a tone in his voice that is used in the movies by the mastermind of a great heist. “We pair him with someone no one could bear to vote for. Someone who seems completely out of place in politics. Someone who could quickly rise up and just as quickly fall back down.”
Darren continued projecting open hostility toward David. “Who do you propose to fill that role?”
David turned to the still spaced out head cheerleader and said, “Heather, I can’t for the life of me remember her name, who’s the spacey brunette on the cheer team?”
Heather broke from her trance and said, “Claire.”
David knew Claire to be blonde. “No, the brunette.”
“Maria,” Heather responded confidently.
David knew Maria had brown hair and said, “No, the brunette”, placing emphasis on the last word.
“Oh, Cherry,” Heather responded in a cute/sexy way.
David knew that Barbara, otherwise known as Cherry, was called Cherry because she had red hair. David became annoyed because of this exchange and chose to express his annoyance. “Do you know what brunette means?”
A look of sad persecution came over Heather as she said, “Yeah, that she has big breasts.”
David laughed a little bit at this, as he usually does when he interacts with people he feels to be substantially dumber than he. “No, that’s not what it means, although the girl I’m referring to does in fact have a good sized pair. Brunette refers to someone who has black hair.”
A look of realization came over Heather as she said, “Oh, you mean Wasilla. Wasilla Patridge.”
David continued, “Yes Wasilla Patridge. We pair up Jeremy Arizona with Wasilla Patridge as his running mate, thereby guaranteeing a totally repulsive ticket from the Reptiles and giving the win to the Doves, no matter who they run against us.”
The Reptiles were skeptical toward David, none more so than Darren. It was he that expressed his skepticism. “Okay, so you’ve proposed using my friend to tank an election by saddling him with someone you clearly have a thing for. Is this the end of your plan or-“
David interjected, “No, it is not, because my plan doesn’t end when the election does, it goes into the next school year.”
The Reptiles were intrigued by this. This was perfectly expressed when Russell said, “I’m intrigued by this.”
Darren, still harboring resentment from the proposal to use his friend, said to David, “Well, it had better be a damn good plan.”
David replied, “It is. Phase Two of my plan will begin on the day the school year starts.” David then motioned to Brent. “Brent, we’re going to need the help of the person you presented with this.”
Brent cautiously replied, “Gary Quagmire?”
David shot back, “Yes, and not just him. We’re also going to need the help of some of his friends on the school newspaper. I’m talking William O’Sullivan, Ronald Limb, Matthew Severe, and Leonard Jobs. These writers, these opinionists, these pundits will represent the majority.”
Diane chimed in, “But they aren’t the majority. They are outnumbered by the likes of Markus Neil Baucus, James Daily, and Stanley Jansen.”
Daniel quickly responded, “But they represent the vocal minority. They are the most obnoxiously boisterous people at the paper and the audience they reach are themselves loud and obnoxious. They’re like Russell but not restricted by the need for sexual gratification.”
Those gathered then looked at Russell, waiting for him to respond, but not being offended by it all Russell said was, “What?”
Brent then turned to address David. “Okay, so Quagmire, Limb, O’Sullivan, Severe, and Jobs are going to pool their efforts, and say what?”
David replied, “Anything. Anything, anyway, anyhow, any any, just as long as it is contrary to the new Dove president. What he does, what he wears, what he thinks, even stuff that is completely made up, criticize the president on absolutely everything.”
Darren, still skeptical of David, said, “But won’t people think we’re insane and just being contrary to the new president because he’s a Dove?”
David replied, “That’s the exact impression we want. We want to keep pushing that we’re insane and just illogically contrary, and once people suspect that we keep on pushing and pushing and pushing until the point that when anyone thinks of the Reptiles they think of rabid illogical insanity.”
Diane then asked a very important question. “Why would we want people to think that of us? Don’t we want people to think positively of us?”
David had a reply for that answer ready. “We will. The Reptiles will have a positive image, eventually. However, before we do that, we need to make people forget about Prescott Fern. We need to create an impression that completely overshadows any lasting impression people still have of Prescott Fern and his connection to the Reptiles.”
David had started to win the gathered Reptiles over but they were still apprehensive. Darren summed up the feeling of those at the table when he said, “So we create an environment where we completely overshadow Prescott Fern by making the Reptiles appear absolutely bat shit crazy. Then what?”
David then adopted a tone that sounded more like a movie trailer announcer and laid out the final part of his scheme. “Then a candidate will appear that is a Reptile but at the same time isn’t.” At this point the table was struck with this look like they had no idea what David meant by what he just said. David continues, “A candidate will appear that is calm, reasonable, and level headed compared to the insane identity that the Reptiles are defined by at that point. This candidate will appeal to students who still like what the Reptiles stand for but are repulsed by the insanity that has infected them. He’ll also appeal to those who are repulsed by the insane identity and hope the candidate will root out that influence among the Reptiles. Finally, in addition to the Reptiles who will vote for any Reptile regardless of identity, this candidate will appeal to a small minority of Doves who are tired of their current Dove president. This will give us a great chance of winning the election that will occur at the end of the next school year.”
The Reptiles that were gathered were stunned by this. David had done something that had failed to do: Present a plan that could possible work. Darren felt the need to comment on this plan. “David, that plan is a marvel, something that you should really be proud of. However, your plan would never work.” Darren also felt the need to crap all over David’s plan.
Deflated, David asked, “Why?”
Darren, whose motives at the time were either the preservation of the organization known as the Reptiles or crushing the plan of someone who had crushed his, answered David’s question of why. “A plan that intricate would require all of the Reptiles to work together as one. This would require an eye simple to the goal, a collective mindset, and other things we simply aren’t capable of.”
Now David was hostile toward Darren. “Why do you think that is? Why do you think the Reptiles can’t come together for the common good?”
Rather than reflect the anger, Darren responded calmly and coolly. “Well, we gathered here are supposed to represent the best of the Reptiles, and what happened? We nearly got into a fight. We can’t even get along for one night, how are we supposed to get along for an entire year?”
What Darren said was true. The plan that David had proposed required one critical element. Unity, and the Reptiles simply didn’t have that. Dejected from his denial, David fell back into his chair in a heap.
All that was left was for Darren to wrap up this failure of a strategy meeting. “So there we have it. Four candidates and one plan presented, and all of it ultimately rejected. This is a pretty depressing failure on our part.”
It was Heather who asked an important question at that moment. “What do we do now?”
Darren, with a deep sense of resignation in his voice, said, “We take a week, brainstorm some new candidates, and meet back here again,” and with that the Reptiles dispersed and the meeting was over.
This ends the account of the meeting that took place among the Reptiles. The person who wrote this account didn’t go to any subsequent meetings involving the Reptiles, and just generally checked out of high school politics in general. The Reptiles ended up losing the election and losing it hard. One would assume the Reptiles would end up losing influence for years to come but history is a largely deemphasized concept at Allred High. It would be interesting to find out what would have happened if the Reptiles had followed the plan that David Meriwether had proposed.
This is part two of A Farcical Scheme. To fully understand just what is going on, please read part one. To be completely in the dark while reading this, please read while drunk/high. Thank you.
The meeting took place in the Raine family home. Darren Raine, a prep, with intents to go into the family business of swindling the poor, is hosting the meeting in his parent’s grand dining room. Darren has invited over many high ranking Reptiles to the meeting. Russell Allen, a jock, is quarterback of the Allred High football team with high profile college football prospects. Diane Firestein, a religious person, is representative of the Christian Leadership Council, group that represents the religious views of the student body. Brent Dumas, a straightedger, is leader of the Clean Living Committee, a straightedge group that is rumored to be a front for a gang. Heather Moon is head cheerleader and romantically linked to Russell Allen. Finally David Meriwether who is top student in the junior class, Debate Club captain, and most likely to win Valedictorian when he graduated.
The meeting started with a light dinner and a chance for some conversation. This was different from what they usually do over lunch at school because the food they were eating was actually healthy. After that the real nuts and bolts of the meeting got underway. Whiteboards were brought in, projectors were set up for PowerPoint presentations, and Russell sat up straight and looked to be paying attention.
Darren took his place at the front of the table and addressed those gathered. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this meeting of the Reptiles. It is both an honor and a privilege to be the host for this annual went where the agenda for the real movers and shakers at Allred High is set.”
All of those gathered lightly applauded. During the applause, Russell elbowed Heather and said, “I bet he likes seeing you shake.”
Darren continues, “Reptiles, let’s get down to business. Who are we going to nominate to be next year’s Student Body President?”
Russell was the first to respond. “I nominate Kurt Fern!”
The rest of those gathered began to murmur, critical of this suggestion. Darren stepped in to quiet them. “Now hold on. We’re all here to suggest people who will take the mantle of leadership and we all are going to have an opportunity to suggest someone. Russell, why do you think Kurt would be a good president?”
“Well, his brother was president, so he’s got that going for him. Also, Kurt’s a pretty cool guy. He always invites me when he holds hid beer and sex parties when his parents aren’t home.”
Brent sarcastically commented, “Yeah, that’s just the perfect person to be president.”
Russell got offended and said, “What, you have a problem with people who enjoy a good fuck?”
Brent, responding to Russell’s offence, angrily said, “No, the problem is the beer. I can’t support a person who doesn’t live the kind of clean lifestyle I do.”
Russell stood up and yelled, “Your lifestyle is for pussies!” This lead to a short verbal confrontation. Russell was cursing, making incoherent comments and calling Brent gay. Brent was insulting Russell in a superbly articulate manner without swearing. Diane was trying to calm everyone down by saying Christ would yell like this. Heather was staring at a spot of light on the wall. At the end of the table, David was sitting with his head in his hands thoroughly disgusted at this argument.
Finally Darren stood up and screamed, “Will the two of you sit down and shut the fuck up!” Which they did.
In a last attempt to not look like the idiot he is, Russell said, “Can any of you give me one good reason Kurt Fern would not be a good president?”
David pulled his face from his hands and said, “It’s not so much that he can’t be a good president, it’s that he can’t win.”
Russell gave a good response in a dumb tone of voice. “Why not?”
David said, “You know all of those “Anything But Fern” t-shirts?”
Russell gave a dumb response in a dumb tone of voice. “Yeah, those shirts give me an excuse to look at girl’s boobs.” Heather pulled her attention away from the spot of light long enough to elbow Russell in the ribs.
David took a deep breath and began to explain. “The “Anything But Fern” slogan is so pervasive and so negative that no one named Fern has a realistic chance of winning the presidency. Even if Kurt was in no way related to Prescott and them sharing a last name was a coincidence he still would not win.”
Russell, like a stubborn child, said, “Well I still think he’d make the best president.”
David, annoyed but still making an effort to be civil, said, “It doesn’t matter how good he is, if he can’t get into office he won’t be able to use his abilities. It’s like if a guy was the greatest quarterback ever but never actually played quarterback.”
“What?” Obviously David’s attempt to speak to Russell’s level had gone over his head. Thankfully Heather tried to explain it to him again.
“It’s like if a nerd was really good at sex. Yes, he’s really good at something most people get a lot of pleasure from, but he’s a nerd so he’s never going to use those skills for his benefit.”
Russell understood this. He acknowledged that by saying, “Oh, I get it.”
Darren took back the mantle of control and said, “So that’s one candidate presented and one candidate shot down. Who wants to present their candidate next?”
Brent took this opportunity to present his candidate if only so that Russell would not present another one. “I submit that Gary Quagmire should be the Reptile’s nominee for Student Body President.”
Darren acknowledged Brent by saying, “Okay Mr. Dumas, the floor is yours.”
Brent took a second to compose himself. Russell took this opportunity to exclaim, “Get to it fag.”
Brent shot back, “Shut up you glorified granite sculled imbecile.”Brent took another second to compose himself then began. “Gary Quagmire is an often overlooked elite student at Allred High. He is a phenomenal student, 3.9 GPA since 7th grade. He is a gifted writer who maintains the influential Straightedge Chronicles in the Allred Times. He is a born leader, Vice President of the Clean Living Committee, a position he’s held since his sophomore year. Finally, Gary is a true Reptile who openly and often insults all Doves in all ways.”
The Reptiles that were gathered took a second to process Brent’s nomination and his reasoning behind it. No one spoke until Russell opened his boisterous idiotic mouth. “All I heard was “Gary is gay, blah blah blah, I want to suck his cock.”
Brent heard this and reacted angrily and uncontrolled. “Fuck you! Fuck you and you’re useless fucking head!”
Diane turned to Darren and asked, “Why did you invite Russell? His homophobia is really disruptive.”
Darren turned to Russell and calmly asked, “Russell, can you cut out they gay shit? It’s not really contributing to the process.”
Russell reacted like he usually does, angrily and obscenely. “Why the fuck should I?” Heather then grabbed by the collar, pulled him near her, and started whispering in his ear. After talking with him for a minute or so, Heather let Russell go. Russell looked totally transformed into a quiet more petulant person. He expressed this by saying, “I’ll be good. I won’t say anything homophobic.”
Diane started looking at Heather scornfully. Diane said, in an accusatory tone, “What did you, threaten to withhold sex from him?”
Russell responded, “Yes.”
Diane yelled, “You fetching slut!”
Heather responded, “Frigid bitch.” This caused the four openly hostile people to launch into another heated verbal exchange. Meanwhile David started to stare at Darren as if he was using telepathy to say, “How the fuck did this devolve into this?”
Darren stood up, angrily pounded his fists on the table, and said, “God damn you people! How the hell are the Reptiles supposed to get and maintain control if you people are constantly bickering like this? You people need to sit down, stop tearing each other down, and start actually contributing to what we’re trying to do!” The four bickering people sat back down, composed themselves, and at least tried to look like they were getting along. Darren then sat back down and said, “Can anyone make a reasoned argument why Gary Quagmire would not make a good president.”
David provided the last voice on this again. “I’m not going to argue that Gary wouldn’t make a good president, I’m going to argue that he can’t win.”
Darren said, “Okay, go on.”
David turned to Brent and said, “Gary was one of the people who were pushing for the Coke machines in the school to be removed, right?”
Brent answered, “Yes.”
David continued, “And one of his main arguments was that the consumption of caffeine doesn’t adhere to the straightedge lifestyle, and that the very presence of caffeinated beverages can lead good people down the wrong path.”
Brent responded, “Yeah, that was his basic reasoning. It’s not the reason why most people who were in favor of removing the Coke machines were in favor of it, but that was his reason.”
David continued, “And how does Gary respond when he sees a bottle of Coke?”
Brent answered, “Rage. Instant heated rage.”
David concluded, “And that is the problem. All a Dove has to do is bring a bottle of Coke to a debate, cause Gary to go into a rage, and win the debate no matter what was or wasn’t said beforehand.”
Diane asked, “Would a Dove really do that?”
David responded, “Absolutely. Doves may not look like it, but they are truly ruthless. They just project themselves as calm and reasonable to draw people in and make the Reptiles look bad.”
Darren capped this nomination, saying, “Okay, two nominees up and two nominees down. Who’s next?”
Diane took this opportunity to present her candidate. “I believe Jimmy Risepoor would make a superb candidate.”
Darren acknowledged this by saying, “Okay Miss Firestein, the floor is yours.”
Diane took a second to compose herself, this time thankfully not interrupted by Russell, and began, “Jimmy Risepoor is the leader of the Christian Leadership Council, a very influential group among the Reptiles. Jimmy’s position as leader of the Christian Leadership Council is one he has held since his first year of Junior High, a testament to his qualifications as a leader and to the strength of his spirit. Finally, Jimmy has an appeal that holds strong among the Reptiles and stretches into the Doves, giving him a broad base of appeal.”
The Reptiles that were gathered stood silent for a moment. Even Russell was quiet, although that could have easily been because of the threat of the withholding of sex. Darren took it upon himself to break the silence. “Well, if no one has any objections-“
“I do,” said David in a sternfull tone.
Darren acknowledged David by saying, “Okay David, what are your objections?”
David continues in his sternfull tone, “I can’t support Jimmy Risepoor because of the comments he made after the 8/28 Report came out.”
“What’s the 8/28 Report?” Russell asked, not knowing because the report had nothing to do with football.
David answered, “The 8/28 Report is the report given about the investigation into the attacks that happened early into President Fern’s term, on 8/28. It details who committed those attacks, how they did it, and why. After the 8/28 Report was made public Jimmy Risepoor released a statement praising the people who carried out the attacks and said it was unfortunate they didn’t actually hit the science lab.”
Everyone at the table turned toward Diane, each of them had an expression of their faces that was a mixture of shock and rage. Diane swallowed hard and said, “Yes, he did actually say that. Everyone was so wrapped up in blaming and persecuting the Goths that no one noticed”
The room remained silent, shocked at what one of their iconic leaders had said, until Darren said, “Okay, Jimmy Risepoor is out. That’s three candidates up and three candidates down. Heather, do you have a candidate in mind?”
Heather looked dumbstruck by this, well more than normal, and asked, “What about David. I’m sure he has a fine candidate to present.”
Darren shot back, “David is a strategy guy. When he is at competitions for the Debate Club he is able to make a convincing argument for any topic whether he believes it or not. He’s not here to present a candidate, he is here to craft a strategy for that candidate. So, Heather, do you have a candidate to present?”
Heather got this look on her face as if she had just fallen ill. “I don’t have a candidate to present. The reason why I accepted the invitation to come here tonight is that we could have sex on Darren’s parent’s king size bed.”
The entire table, except for David, then expressed their outrage at this comment. Brent because he feels his time is valuable, Diane because she objects to anyone unmarried having sex, Russell because this meant he was shut down for the night, and Darren expressed his outrage verbally by saying, “Are you kidding me! My parents don’t even have sex in that bed!” All this time David was trying to stifle a lurid smile that was inspired by the secret fantasies he had about Heather.
The outrage continued until Darren took control of the meeting back by saying, “Okay, let’s all get settled and be civil once again,” which the table promptly did. “I guess since I’m the last one who hasn’t presented, I’ll present my candidate. I nominate Jeremy Arizona to be the Reptile candidate to be Ralph W. Allred High School’s Student Body President. Jeremy is one of those guys who had held political office as far back as I can remember. I remember voting for him to be Vice-President of our third grade class. That was way before I knew what a Reptile was, yet alone that I was one. Arizona is a faithful member of the Catholic faith and, although he’s not perfect, tries to lead as clean of a lifestyle as he can. Jeremy is a baseball player, a high school academic All-American. Also, he’s dating a cheerleader, not the most attractive one but the one who most closely follows the Catholic faith. Jeremy Arizona is a person who had broad appeal among the Reptiles because he identifies with all of them. He is religious, straightedge, jock, and, because of his friendship with me, a prep. I believe Jeremy Arizona to be the best choice among the Reptiles for the nomination for Allred High Student Body President.”
A series of approving comment began to be expressed among the Reptiles gathered after this candidate was presented. It seemed as if Darren had presented a candidate that everyone agreed with, that appealed to everyone, that everyone thought was poised to become the next Student Body President at Ralph W. Allred High School. Everyone that is except that for David. While everyone else was lauding Darren and patting him on the back, David was silent. It was Darren that took note of this silence. “David, what do you think of Jeremy Arizona?”
David looked down at the long table that separated Darren and him for a second, then looked Darren in the eye and said, “I have no problem with Jeremy Arizona. I like you think he would make an excellent candidate and, under the right circumstances, would win the office of Student Body President. However, these aren’t the right circumstances. In fact, I don’t think that any Reptile can win the office of president for the upcoming school term.”
This response did not sit well with Darren. Darren’s expression turned from one of objective optimism to a resentment directed directly at David. “Okay David, why don’t you highly effectively shoot down another candidate?”
Either because he didn’t understand the sarcasm in Darren comment or because he was eager to do what Darren had said, David expediently got to work. “I mentioned earlier the prevalence of the phrase “Anything But Fern”. This had lead to a general repulsion toward anything Prescott Fern is connected with. His younger siblings, the clothes he wears, what he eats, the particular slang terms he uses, and most unfortunately for us the political group he’s affiliated with. When people think of the Reptiles they think of Fern. Fern has damaged the Reptile brand so badly that I don’t think any Reptile could win the presidency until all memory of Prescott Fern dissipates.”
This statement caused the rest of the Reptiles to grumble softly almost inaudibly. This grumbling ended when Russell said, “Well if you’re the one who’s supposed to have so many good ideas, do you have a fucking idea about what we should do then?” It’s a view that the others at the table had but didn’t have the guts to articulate. However, in saying what he had said, Russell had given David the opportunity to lay out his grand scheme.