Gay Mexican Reality Show Producers

The Red Identity

There are times that I am really grateful to have access to Twitter and Facebook. Everyday that I log into these social media platforms I receive a reaffirmation of my identity. Everyday that I log into these social media platforms I know again that I am Hunter F. Red. There is a reason that I need this reaffirmation.

Ever since I got my new cellphone, the awesome Droid X which is awesome, I keep on getting these calls from people looking for a man named "Tyler". Over and over again, people will call me and ask for "Tyler". Old people, church going people, rednecks, people calling from jail, women who sound attractive, all sorts of people looking for "Tyler". At first I believed that these people were calling the wrong number, but despite the passing of time these calls persisted. It's gotten to the point where I now get more calls looking for "Tyler" than looking for "Hunter". There is a reason I put "Hunter" in quotation marks. Once I realized that people were looking more for "Tyler" than for "Hunter", I began to question things. What if these people are actually looking for me? What if these people are looking for me and asking for who they think I am? What if I actually am Tyler?

These pervasive and persistent question rack my brain day and night. I am beginning to question my very identity. I am beginning to question the very foundation of who I am. It's at times like this that I turn to Twitter and Facebook and other places where I established my identity, my identity as Hunter Red. I even look at more concrete places. I reach into my pocket, pull out my wallet, open it up, and look at my driver's license, and the name on it that read-

Wait. What? Are you- No. Who the- How come- Huh? Who is this Parker?

The Producer's Cookbook

Pierce Tapp is a thirty-eight year old white male. He has long had problems with the control exerted by the federal government, rising immigration rates, and more and more control being taken by people he deems as "impure". Pierce has long thought of taking action to rectify the problem he sees. Now he is doing it. Pierce is in his garage putting together the pieces of his long held dream.

"Okay, I've gone through the long exhaustive process of getting all of the right elements together in just the right amounts. Now, to put them together. First, I need fertilizer. I am not the first to use fertilizer in this fashion, but it seems to have worked out beautifully for people in the past. To act as an explosive agent, gasoline. Not too much gasoline, you don't want to drown out the mixture. Just enough to add the necessary spice. Providing the spark, this blasting cap. Finding blasting caps of a sufficient quality for this project was hard, but it will certainly be worth it. Now, for a container. I guess I'll have to go with this barrel I found out by the oil refinery. I'd like to use an old panel van, but people might be able to find out about the container, connect it to the people who produce it, then the whole thing will be shot to hell. Add in some ball bearing and sharp nails to add some really destructive elements to the mix. Well, there you have it. Once what I have expertly crafted is exposed to the public, the result will be spectacular."

Katrina Clemmons is a thirty-five year old female television executive. She has long watched the reality programming on other cable channels. She's seen shows like The Real World, The Bachelor, and I Love Money, and has seen the great success these shows have brought these networks. Now she wants to do it. Now she wants to create a reality show of her own. Katrina is in her office putting together the pieces of her long held dream.

"Okay, I've gone through the long exhaustive process of getting all of the right elements together in just the right amounts. Now, to put them together. First, I need some college students. I am not the first to use college students in this fashion, but it seems to have worked out beautifully for people in the past. To act as an explosive agent, different races. Not too much diversity, you wouldn't want to drown out the mixture of whites, blacks, latinos, and other combustable minorities. Providing the spark, gays. Finding gays of a sufficient flamboyant nature for this project was hard, but it will certainly be worth it. Now, for a place for these people to live. I guess I'll have to go with that loft we found off the 405. I'd like to use that complex in Queens, but people might be able to find out about the complex, connect it to the people who will be producing the show, then the whole thing will be shot to hell. Add in large amounts of alcohol to add some really destructive elements to the mix. Well, there you have it. Once what I have expertly crafted is exposed to the public, the result will be spectacular."

Rainbow Thoughts

On Friday night, the New York State Legislature voted to legalize gay marriage in New York state. Many are lauding this as a major breakthrough in gay rights. I, however, am skeptical. As much as I think gay marriage is a great thing and support it being the law of the land, the political junkie in me is raising red flags about this move. The political junkie in me believes that this is just a move done by politicians to give them more material to run on. By that I don't mean giving Democratic politicians more material to run on, I mean giving more material to Republicans. The New York State Legislature is controlled by Republicans, and they, just like every other politician in America, will be running for reelection. It is my honest belief that New York Republicans, as well as other Republicans, will be making gay marriage a central issue in their campaigns. Gay marriage will, once again, become the issue of importance in an election year where we elect a President. The Republicans will attempt to leverage the gay marriage issue to try and gain majorities in the House, Senate, and retake the Presidency. Mark my words.

Disappointing Downpouring Vibrator Chiefs

Silent Hill+KoRn Thoughts

Buried among the news that came out during E3 was this story:

Silent Hill Downpour: now with three dimensions and one Korn song

According to this story, KoRn will be crafting a song for the upcoming game Silent Hill Downpour. This story has caused much consternation, particularly among people who think KoRn is way beyond it's prime and should just stop. I have a different perspective on this story.

KoRn is one of my favorite bands, depending on my mood the number one on my list. There are very few bands that I can listen to and enter a state of bliss that one usually only achieves with the use of drugs. KoRn is one of those bands for me. I will continue to defend KoRn untill the day I die. However, I don't think KoRn is a good fit for the Silent Hill series.

Silent Hill is one of those game series that can evoke the kind of chill in the gaming public that is usually only found in people who watch horror films. Silent Hill is more about what isn't there and what may be around the corner than shocking you with a monster jumping out in your face. Silent Hill is atmosphere in video game form. The music in Silent Hill adds to the atmosphere in these games. The music in the Silent Hill series is slow, creeping, and resonate. The work of Akira Yamaoka is held in high acclaim within the ardent fans of the Silent Hill franchise. Many have tried and failed to replicate the work of Akira Yamaoka. KoRn will be among them.

There was a time when KoRn could produce horror movie quality music. KoRn's 2002 album Untouchables is an example of that. Listen to this:

Those three songs are examples of KoRn's ability to make songs that are slow, creeping, and resonate. However, after the departure of guitarist Brian Welch, KoRn lost that ability. Listen to this:

KoRn tracks after the departure of Brian Welch just seem to lack a certain kind of atmosphere. It's not they're bad, they are just lacking somehow. It's that lacking quality that makes KoRn not the ideal choice for contributing music to the Silent Hill franchise.

There's also this:

Let's just all try and forget about that game.


How To Scam Someone Using Mad Lib Technology

I was browsing on Access Hollywood's news site last sunday and read on this make money at home job where anyone with a vibrator can bring home $5431+ a week! I really didn't believe it but still I had to give it a shot and I actually made $711.33 my second day. Ive already been paid by monkey butler its the greatest thing that's happened to me, honestly.

Heres the site:

Everybody can do the Charleston so im informing all my sexual partners to join and make some cash your self and at the same time you should send this grappling hook to every one you know so that we can all eliminate the brown people. If I can do it, you can too. It's super horny. Do it now because they are writing about charging big ass batteries for new members as close as this Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday.

This communication may contain teddy bears that is confidential, legally privileged or exempt from fully nude strip searches and is not intended for children beyond the intended recipient without the sender's credit card information. If you have received this email in a giant pile of ape shit or are not the intended dope fiend, please note that any dissemination or copying of this bullshit is strictly encouraged. Anyone who receives this communication in pet hair should immediately notify the H. Jon Benjamin, delete the anal fissures and destroy any giant shimmering dilldos. Thank you for your penis.

the metropolis of the whole kingdom below, upon the firm earth. him nervous. He begins to doubt himself. I try to cheer him up,

know at once that in my opinion there is not any functional prostate vibrators.

Duke Nukem Forever Thoughts

On June 14th, 2011, Duke Nukem Forever finally came out. Upon it's release, the game was met with a resounding "meh". Most of the reviews of Duke Nukem Forever are negative, which is something that doesn't shock me.

When the Guns N Roses album Chinese Democracy was finally released, it was met with a resounding "meh". This despite this album being kind of good.

When Gran Turismo 5 was finally released, it was met with a resounding "meh". This despite many racing game aficionados crediting the game as one of the best in it's genre.

Finally, when Stephen Ridge came out of the closet after long and fervent speculation about his sexuality, Stephen was met with a resounding "meh". This despite Stephen being not so fugly.

My point is this: No matter how good Duke Nukem Forever is, it was going to be met with "meh" because of how long people had been anticipating it. There was no way the game was going to match the anticipation, just like how Stephen was never going to be met with the same kind of attention among the gay community as he would had when he was twenty.

Red Review- Project L.A. Noire Journal

Project L.A. Noire Journal

Wednesday, May 18th, 12:34 A.M.

I started playing LA Noire today. Well, yesterday, but what the fuck does it matter. Most people don't consider one day to cross over to the next untill something like 4AM, so getting really technical about this shit is really quite bitchy.

I'm four cases into LA Noire. The first four cases serve as a kind of tutorial, so they don't have to be interesting, but they really should be. I hope to see more character development coming up. I'd like to see if the detective I'm playing as has a wife or kids or a yappy little mutt that will set off my cynophobia. Also, is it a bad thing that I don't know this guy's name or is that a result of my general inability to remember people's names untill I've known them for a long time. I bet Niko Bellic would be pissed if I didn't know his name.

I plan to spend tomorrow trying to hack game saves on my 360. I won't use my primary HDD, I'll use the one I bought today. Or yesterday if you want to get bitchy. I'm going to attempt to hack the save file of MLB 2K10 so that my career mode character will have 1,000,000 experience points. If this works, I may be able to use the same technique to finally beat Final Fantasy XIII. Also, a guy named Hunter Red would finally excel in something nominally sports related.


Sunday, May 22nd, 11:52 P.M.

For a while now I've been claiming that I weigh one hundred eighty pounds. On my driver's license, 180. Work records, 180. Online chat rooms, 180. Secret underground sex dungeons, 180. So it was a shock to me when I weighed myself recently. I usually don't weigh myself, as I feel it can lead to succumbing to vanity, but it was there so I stepped on it. I now know that I weight two hundred pounds.

It's odd how a difference of twenty pounds affects the way that you perceive yourself. I used to think I was just your stereotypical pudgy nerd. Now, I feel fat and sort of ashamed about my body. I haven't even admitted publicly that I weigh two hundred pounds untill just now. So I decided to take action.

Today, I bought a bicycle. It is my intent to use my bicycle for exercise. Hopefully, over the next couple of months, I will be spending every free morning tooling around my neighborhood, hoping to leave little parts of myself behind with every drop of sweat. I don't have a set amount of weight I want to lose, I just want to be able to take this big hill by my house without having to take a break. That might take a while to accomplish but it will feel really good to be able to do so.

Oh, and I played some more L.A. Noire today. Maybe later on in the game I'll be able to run over people in my car without a little dialog box telling me not to popping up. Who knows, I might even unlock a machine gun.


Monday, May 23rd, 8:47 P.M.

There was a time in my life where I wore a hat everyday. Every single day. For about two years in high school and then for about five years thereafter, a baseball cap was a part of my regular attire.

For the two years in high school, I wore the same cap everyday, which, upon reflection, was a mistake. The dirt and sweat that Atlanta Braves cap accumulated made that thing give off an odor that repulsed people more than my freckles and glasses ever did. When I realized this, I didn't stop wearing hats. No, I wore multiple hats. Boston Red Sox, Ohio State Buckeyes, Rutgers football, Ukrainian Olympic Hockey, I wore any and every kind of baseball cap that was a shade of red. Well, except for the Cincinnati Reds, for they suck.

I now know the reason that I wore a hat everyday. It wasn't because I was an ardent fan of the Atlanta Braves, Boston Red Sox, Ohio State Buckeyes, Rutgers football, or Ukrainian Olympic Hockey. I wasn't an ardent fan of any sports, outside of women's college gymnastics. The reason I wore a hat everyday was because I had no idea what to do with my hair. My hair was a mystery to me, a mystery that I had not yet solved. Rather than putting my efforts to figuring out what to do with my hair, I covered it up, I hid it, I tried my best to make my hair go away, outside of actually making it to away. I still don't know what good things to do with my hair, I just wear it long so that I emulate The Undertaker.

I'm guessing that the men in L.A. Noire also have no idea what to do with their hair. All of the men in L.A. Noire wears hats. All of them. Most of the caps worn by these men are the kind of stylish fedoras that I can't seem to find in my size, despite the fact that I see people wearing them occasionally. The men in L.A. Noire must be really ashamed of their hair, which is understandable considering the hairstyles worn by the absurdly attractive women in this game. I'm not kidding or exaggerating when I say that. God damn these women look marvelous.


Monday, May 24th, 1:25 P.M.

The sight of nudity tends to disturb some people. Their nudity, others nudity, the nudity of the Naked Cowboy, the sight of large amounts of uncovered flesh tends to make some people feel uneasy. The circumstances by which people view large amounts of naked flesh also tends to disturb people. When people see nudity in the gym, the strip club, or that bath house down the street you don't tell your wife about, people don't bat an eye. However, when people see a nude body at a crime scene, one can not help but have savage things go through your mind.

Such is the case with me while playing L.A. Noire. Many of the cases that Cole Phelps is sent to investigate involve a dead naked body, usually a woman's dead naked body. Viewing these bodies in this state seems to have an unnerving effect on me. It's odd to think of all the glamorous, well made ladies in this game, and then the way most of the women look at these crime scenes.

It surprises me that the usual suspects who complain about everything Rockstar Games puts out hasn't yet openly complained about this game. Remember the crap given to Rockstar over the full frontal nudity in The Lost and The Damned expansion pack to Grand Theft Auto IV? Or the lapdances that you can get in the regular edition of Grand Theft Auto IV? Why haven't these people jumped all over Rockstar Games for combining full frontal nudity AND naked women? My only guess if that they've moved on to something they feel is more important. Like if Barack Obama is a secret Kenyan muslim terrorist who's a sleeper agent for the KGB sent to sew the seeds of communism in the United States! That, or the recession has compelled them to get real jobs.


Sunday, May 29th, 12:04 P.M.

There's a point in L.A. Noire where one of the murderers taunts the police to catch him by leaving notes with clues in them throughout Los Angeles, leading investigators to various landmarks in the city. I understand that there are killers who are this arrogant and have taunted the police in this manner, but that doesn't make me enjoy situations like this any more. Just because something is realistic doesn't mean it's entertaining. For example:

Look at that picture of that dead animal. Is it realistic? Yes. Do you enjoy looking at it? No! Well, hopefully not.

Look at that picture of John F. Kennedy just after he was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald. Is it realistic? Yes. Do you enjoy looking at it? No. Especially not the colour versions of that photo that I've seen.

Finally, look at this picture. Look at it. Is it realistic? Well, it is a thing that exists in this world, but I hesitate to call it realistic. Do you enjoy looking at it? I would hope your answer is no. Wait, not no, HELL NO!


Tuesday, May 31st, 2:01 P.M.

Yesterday, Memorial Day, I spent the day going to a family reunion. Most people my age actively avoid family reunions and see no value in going to them. Even less people my age choose to go to family reunions, and travel to go to them. I do. Every year I ensure that I have no plans for Memorial Day so that I can go to my family reunion. The reason for this is simple. My family reunion takes place in a location that is, depending on traffic, about a two hour drive away from my home. Rather than dreading this drive, I look forward to it. This is because I grasp on any excuse to take a long drive. Whether it's seeking out the only Segway dealership in Utah, looking for the nearest Borders bookstore to me that is not closing, or finding a Quizno's in Weber County, I love driving long distances. That love of driving is why I go to my family reunion each and every year.

Driving is also one of the things I enjoy doing in video games. Now, by driving I don't mean racing. Racing is something I do not find pleasurable, for I suck at it. However, going from point to point in a car in a video game setting just strikes a cord with me. My favorite game for the original Playstation is The Italian Job, which is a game where you just drive from point to point in various kids of British automobiles. If a game came out where you played as a long-haul truck driver, I would not only buy that game, I would pre-order it. I liked the portions in Mass Effect where you drove around in that much maligned dune buggy because I WAS DRIVING AROUND IN A DUNE BUGGY WITH A CANNON ON IT!

Maybe soon I'll be able to explain just why I enjoy driving as much as I do. But, for now, here's a kitty.


Friday, June 6th, 1:58 P.M.

With my big head of red hair, it is very hard for me to not be noticed in public. I tend to stand out in a crowd, a classroom, or a workplace breakroom. This is by design. I did not grow my hair out like this to conform with any kind of style. I grew out my hair like this so that people will notice and remember me. They may not remember my name or anything about me, but they remember my hair and, by proxy, me. The result of this is that it is very hard for me to be in a place and remain incognito.

It is also very hard to remain incognito in L.A. Noire. There's a mission in this game where you have to trail a suspect, and while doing so you have to, at times, go incognito in order to prevent him from spotting you. The problem with that is knowing when to go incognito and when to remain incognito is very difficult. The game mechanic of going incognito is itself difficult to master. There were times in playing this particular part of the game where I just wanted to go up and punch the suspect in the face.

I hope this is the last time in this game where I have to trail a suspect on foot, because that is by far the most frustrating part of this game to me. More frustrating than the perpetually looping music that I've heard 47593275328 times, which I can't turn off because, if I do, I no longer know if I've picked up all of the clues that I can acquire. I wish that I could just turn on the music that I have on the iPod that I have plugged into my Xbox 360, and have that music be incorporated into the game. I think Cole Phelps solving a murder case to the music of Marilyn Manson might be funny.


Sunday, June 5th, 6:26 P.M.

So now we meet Cole's wife. We find he has two daughters. We do not see them, but we know they exist. We find that Cole does, in fact, have a wife and that Cole's references to them are not just a poorly supported lie. We meet Cole Phelps's family, but it's not under the best of circumstances. That German broad had better be worth it.


Sunday, June 5th, 11:07 P.M.

Hey! It looks like the German broad is worth it. Not in the way that I was meaning, but she does figure into the game in a critical way. Still, I'd like to see more action. Mot gunplay, car chases, or foot pursuits. I mean ACTION. Oh yeah!


Thursday, June 9th, 1:24 P.M.

One of my favorite movies last year was Black Swan. When I first heard of this movie, I didn't intend to see it, but I got a free pass and I went to go see it. Black Swan is fascinating to me, specifically because of the character development in this movie. The way that the character of Nina moves between the personality types of the white swan and the back swan. It is riveting to me the way that Nina steps closer to the black swan personality, is on the cusp of crossing over, retreats back into the white swan personality, then crosses over and embraces the black swan entirely. The deep rich personalities and the way those personalities change is what makes Black Swan such a great movie.

L.A. Noire has nothing close to the qualities that make me love Black Swan. Never in the course of this game do we delve into the person that Cole Phelps is. We never really get to know his family life, his past before the war, or anything about what he thinks about what is going on. Rockstar Games had such a great opportunity here, to introduce the gaming public to the kind of deep rich personality that is rarely seen in this media.

That's not to say L.A. Noire is bad, in fact it is a very good game. L.A. Noire just could have been better. It's rare to complain about shallow characters in games, but in this case it is warranted because this game is screaming for more as far as character development. Perhaps Rockstar can improve on this aspect in the next world that they create.

L.A. Noire: A-

Economic Theory Of Olden Times

The Red Question- Dominique Strauss-Kahn

On an raised stage, two chairs it with two people sitting in them as the lights turn up revealing them.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Good evening, and welcome to the 10.10 Billion Dollar Question. I am your host Julia Diana Bobbi. Before I introduce the contestant, we have a word from our sponsor.

Exxon Mobile is proud to bring you the prize for the 10.10 Billion Dollar Question. Exxon Mobile, we have that much money. Exxon Mobile, gasoline, bitches!

Julia Diana Bobbi- Welcome back. Our contestant tonight on the 10.10 Billion Dollar Question is Dominique Strauss-Kahn. Mr. Strauss-Kahn is a french citizen currently in New York for a reason he does not wish to discuss. Doominque, it's great to have you here.
DSK- It's great to be hear. You have very attractive breasts.

Julia is creeped out by this comment.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Okay thanks. Are you ready to play the game?
DSK- You have very shapely legs.
Julia Diana Bobbi- I'll take that as a yes. Dominique, I will give you three questions.
DSK- I'd like to give you something.

Julia starts rummaging around in her purse.

DSK- Do you have protection in there, because I'm not into that.

Julia pulls a canister of mace out of her purse.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Sir, if you don't stop making passes at me, I will use this mace on you.

Dominique looks at Julia and her mace spray in the way that gives off a kind of Bond villain vibe.

DSK- How did you know I was into that fetish?

Julia looks at Dominique sternly then puts her mace canister away, then attempts to press on.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Dominique, I'm going to give you three questions. If you answer all three of these questions correctly, you will win the 10.10 Billion Dollar prize. Do you have a plan for this money?
DSK- Can I buy your underwear?
Julia Diana Bobbi- You are a very gross person. Are you ready to play the game?
DSK- I am always ready.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Lets play the game.

An over blow light display is triggered, ending with Julia and Dominique still sitting on the same raised platform as before.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Dominique, what is Marginalism?
DSK- Marginalism refers to the use of marginal concepts in economic theory.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Correct. What is The Four Asian Tigers?
DSK- The Four Asian Tigers or Asian Dragons is a term used in reference to the highly developed economies of Hong Kong, Singapore, South Korea and Taiwan after 1970.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Correct. Only one question left before you win the big prize.
DSK- Which is you?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Dominique, what is no?

Dominique gets a strange look on his face.

DSK- Excuse me?
Julia Diana Bobbi- What is no?
DSK- No?
Julia Diana Bobbi- What is no?

Dominique thinks for a second, then says-

DSK- I'm sorry, but I'm not familiar with that concept.
Julia Diana Bobbi- What?
DSK- I am not familiar with the concept of no.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Really?
DSK- Yes, can you tell me what no is?
Julia Diana Bobbi- I'm not going to do that. Perhaps you can learn the concept of no in jail.
DSK- I can teach you many things. For instance, do you know what a Savoie Handstand is?
Julia Diana Bobbi- I am going away now. If you follow me, there are very large people with very large guns who will stop you.
DSK- No one can stop me, for I am rich.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Rich people still get shot. Well, that's all for the 10.10 Billion Dollar Question, I am Julia Diana Bobbi. I'm going to leave now before this creepy French man get any closer to me. Goodnight.

The lights start to dim on the raised platform. As the do so, Julia gets out of her chair and sprints off stage. Dominique starts after her, but can't go very quickly as he is old.