****- Jaw Dropping Fetid Creature Landscapes

Landscape Typing Rulz!

For a wjile now i gabe been dreading typong on ny iPod Touch. This id because my fingerd arw too big for the buttond on thr svrren anf I often mistypw and have to go back anf coerect ir. That chabged on Monday wirh thr release of iPod dirmware 3.0 abs the integration of Kabdacape Ryping.

Now I can simply turn my iPod Touch on it's side and get bigger buttons, allowing me to mistype less and send messages clearer and faster. Yes I know $10 is highway robbery to pay for a firmware update, but Landscape Typing alone makes this so worth it. Also being able to see the artist, song, and album title of what I'm listening to from the sleep screen is really cool.

Now if only they could fix the fact that I can't get cell reception inside the building I work at. That's the only thing holding me back from getting an iPhone. With 32GB to store my music, apps, movies, and podcasts, plus the ability to make phone calls, I greatly desire an iPhone. I think this would be a great birthday gift, MOM!

What Do You Mean I Can't Smell My Own Shit?

On June 18th, the Food and Drug Administration issued a directive immediately pulling the cold remedy Zicam over concerns about possible side effects, including loss of the sense of smell. Among the people reacting to this move was conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh. In a lengthy rant abut this move on June 18th, Mr. Limbaugh inferred that this move by the FDA was meant to directly affect him and his show. Until it's removal from the market, Zicam was a sponsor of the Rush Limbaugh Show.

On the same day the FDA pulled Zicam from the market, the same agency pulled another product form the market for reasons that baffle me. This product was not widely known but was gaining in popularity before the FDA's actions. This is a product by Ciencin, a Utah based food manufacturer. Among the foods manufactured by Ciencin are potato chips of various flavor. One of these flavors was lead. This is not a novelty flavor, Ciencin is actually able to capture the flavor of lead and use it to season potato chips, called "lead chips". Ciencin captures the flavor of lead, not by synthesizing it like other chip makers do, by using real lead. When you eat a Ciencin lead flavored potato chip you are literally eating a lead chip. I have no idea why the FDA would have a problem with that.

So how does this effect me? No, I do not eat lead chips, although the paint on my grandmother's house is yummy. One of the first sponsors that appeared on Redertainment.com was Ciencin. Ads for Ciencin lead flavored chips have appeared along side the Four Stars Blog since the very beginning. I consider Ciencin to be one of my biggest supporters. It is clear to me the FDA pulled Ciencin's product as a way to silence me, the great Hunter Red. Why else would the Food and Drug Administration pull a great product life this from the market? Just because it's main ingredient is lead and it's designed to be consumed by the bagful? Yeah right.

I have sent a formal letter of complaint to the White House about the FDA's decision regarding Ciencin. I'm also looking forward to finally getting that meeting with the White House Office of Public Liaison, as I now have in my possession some sliders and blunts.

Silent Hill: The Romance of the Satanic

Anabeth Palmer is a twenty-eight year old school teacher. After struggling through several substitute and temporary teaching positions, Miss Palmer had finally secured a full time teaching position at an elementary school in rural Pennsylvania. Miss Palmer packs all her worldly possessions into her car and ventures out across the country to the small mining town of Silent Hill.

At first everything goes well. Anabeth begins to settle into her new home with her new neighbors and her new job teaching third grade students at Silent Hill Elementary School. Things begin to take a turn when two events happen in Anabeth's life.

First she meets established fifth grade teacher Thomas Kinkade. Mr. Kinkade is a long time resident of Silent Hill, a teacher, and an occasional painter of horrible looking pieces of art. Thomas gives Anabeth as a way to breaking the ice so he could pursue her romantically. Anabeth rebuffs Thomas's advances but does accept the gift of his painting. As Anabeth is looking at Mr. Kinkade's painting, she starts to notice the satanic imagery contained in this cheery piece of art.

The second major event happens when Anabeth goes to the church in Silent Hill for the first time, the Cathedral of the LaVey. When Miss Palmer enters this church she is mortified to find that most of the residents of Silent Hill follows a satanic cult, led by an especially creepy figure, Celeste Eisnger. Anabeth gets up to leave, but in an effort to stop her, Celeste grabs onto Anabeth's arm. As Miss Palmer pulls away from her, Mrs. Eisnher digs her nails deep into Anabeth's arm, leaving long deep scratches in the process.

The next day, Anabeth is at the head of the class when she falls asleep at her desk. When she awakens she finds that all the children have left and the doors to the outside have been locked. Knowing that there's a set of janitor keys in a shed on the roof, Miss Palmer goes up the stairs. Along her way she encounters a number of bizarre aberrations, which appear to be modeled after various children and faculty members of Silent Hill Elementary. The only defense Anabeth has against the murderous aberrations is a child's softball bat, a teacher's pointing wand, and an assault rifle she finds in a fourth grader's backpack. Eventually, Anabeth makes it to the roof of the school. Once there she is accosted by a giant winged creature who pierces her in the stomach with it's tail. Anabeth Palmer passes out sprawled on the roof of Silent Hill Elementary School.

The next morning, Anabeth Palmer awakens on the roof of Silent Hill Elementary. She looks around, sees nothing to suggest anything is wrong, and chocks her encounter with the aberrations to be just a bad dream. She is troubled by the question of how she came to be on the roof of the school.

Miss Palmer leaves the school and goes home to freshen up. The town is in it's normal state and everything appears to be just as it should be. Anabeth goes home, goes up to her bedroom, begins to draw herself a bath, and starts to undress. Anabeth removes her blouse, looks at herself in the mirror and stops. For a long time she looks at herself in the mirror, frozen by what she sees. On her stomach, right where the winged creature pierced her, is a circle with markings and symbols in it. This circle is much like one of the circles she saw at the satanic church.

The story goes on from there as Anabeth confronts the satanic church and her own personal romantic demons.



****- Let Me Be Clear, This Is A Satire

FVGAC Bestows A Rare Honor

The Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC) has bestowed a rare honor on a video game, it's Seal Of Approval. Years have gone by since the FVGAC has given out this award, which is shocking given the recent releases of Billy Goes To Bible Camp, Dora The Explorer: African Adventure, and the various Left Behind games. Not since Ann Collects Apples in 1987 has the FVGAC given out a Seal Of Approval.

New spokesman for the FVGAC Randall Terry has released a statement about this event. "This game represents exactly what we stand for and what we hope for the future of the video game industry and our country in general. The protagonist in this game represents what we think of as a good and moral person. Overall, we stand behind this game and we hope this game has an effect on society for what we feel to be the better."

So what video game received the Family Video Game Advisory Corporation's Seal Of Approval? Abortion Provider Murder Simulator. This is a flash based game where you play as Scott Roeder. In this game you find information about, find the location of, and kill doctors who provide abortions. Abortion Provider Murder Simulator is the game that received the FVGAC's Seal Of Approval and it's glowing praise. What a shame.

Mike Waddoups Hospitalized

A situation involving a Utah State Senator nearly turned tragic this week. Utah State Senate President Mike Waddopus was rushed to LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City, Utah after suffering what is described as a severe allergic reaction. According to a police incident report, on Tuesday a still unidentified man attacked Mr. Waddoups at this home and attempted to shove several raw peanuts into Waddoups's nose, mouth, and eye region. Waddoups, who is severely allergic to peanuts, quickly went into anaphylatic shock and had to be rushed to LDS Hospital for treatment. Mike Waddoups is currently in stable condition and is expected to be released next week.

This attack raises a number of questions. Among them are why was Mike Waddoups attacked and how did Mr. Waddoups's attacker know of his peanut allergy. Both of these questions may be answered by way of an commentary published earlier this year. The commentary was published in the March edition of Conservative Activism Monthly and the commentary was penned by Jack Thompson.

In this commentary, Mr. Thompson vents about his frustration in trying to get video game legislation passed in Utah in the 2009 session of the Utah State Legislature. He spends some time on his dealings with Waddoups before and after the legislation was vetoed by Gov. Huntsman. There is a particularly troubling passage in this commentary that I will quote for you now. "So I met with Mike at his home at [I have chosen not to re-print Mike Waddoup's Address]. In this meeting at Mr. Waddoups's house, I discovered that Mike has a severe allergic reaction to peanuts. Again, Mike Waddoups lives at [Restates Mike Waddoup's REAL Address] and is severly allergic to peanuts."

In the days after the assault on Mike Waddoups, several liberal political commentators have criticized Jack Thompson and his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. In particular, the comments made by MSNBC host Keith Olberman are very reminicent of his comments about Bill O'Reilly and Fox News after the murder of Dr. George Tiller. However, unlike the murder of Dr. George Tiller, no suspect has been caught in this case so nothing definitive can be said of the suspect's drives and motives.

When asked to comment on this incident and his possible role in it, Jack Thompson said, "There is no known link between myself and this incident, and to speculate that there was one is absurd." Later on Mr. Thompson said, "Although very little is known about the suspect, I know for a fact that Grand Theft Auto IV is involved in this. It is absurd to insist otherwise."

The SLCPD is still searching for the suspect in the assault on Mike Waddoups. A source inside SLCPD tells me that they are very close to an arrest in this case. Also, don't expect any consequences to fall on the head of Jack Thompson for his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. After all, Mr. Thompson is a conservative, and conservatives are considered to be blameless by "mainstream" society. If we were talking about a liberal here, all hell would break loose.

Maxim? Why?

This week, like many other former subscribers to EGM, I began to receive Maxim Magazine as a replacement for my unfulfilled issues of EGM. I had not read Maxim in several years, so I was intrigued by this new addition to my active reading schedule.

So I sat down with a Heineken and a bowl of Doritos and began to read my new Maxim. About half-way through the issue I had a thought: Why am I reading this when I have easy access to real porn? Why am I looking at half-naked women and less than inspired articles when I can look at FULLY naked women and blatantly erotic articles? Why should I read something that tries to be erotic without crossing the line as opposed to something that crosses the line and revels in it's eroticism?

Also, I find Cassia Riley more attractive than Moon Bloodgood. Just saying.


One of the most embarrassing things that can happen to me as a satirist is to post something online that contains some sort of error. Whether it's a factual error, grammar error, or a spelling errors, faults that make it onto my blog reflect poorly on myself and make me look stupid and unprofessional. Usually when errors occur I am able to catch them and fix them before anyone notices. Occasionally others will point them out to me and I will have this overwhelming sense of embarrassment and shame.

That being said, I am but a simple satirist who writes a simple blog using my simple pen and my simple awesome laptop. My readership is small compared to other larger news sites. These are sites that make more money in a day that I will ever make from my blog. It is because of this relationship and revenue stream that you would think these sites would have higher standards than I. Most do, one in particular does not.

If you read Kotaku on a daily basis, you usually get stories delivered to you with glaring errors in them on a daily basis. Usually these are small easy to catch things contained in the body of the story, but one in particular caught my attention this week.

Mulit-Platform Final Fantasy XIII Won't Be Compromised

Mulit-Platform? Really? Not only is this a glaring error in the headline of the story, but it's an error that could have been caught if someone had read it ONCE! This begs the question: Is there any editorial control at Kotaku? Based on this, I would say no. If there is, this editor needs to get off his ass and do his fucking job!

Just a suggestion from a highly unprofessional and severely under paid satirist, who is pictured below.

****- The Dominant And Purvasive Dance Trend Continues

The Real Pervasive Threat

Lately, North Korean and their dictator Kim Jong Il have been making waves internationally by testing a number of high explosives. These tests have ruffled the feathers of many nations, including the United States. However, a high level Pentagon source says that Kim Jong Il is not the most troubling figure out there with high explosives. In fact this source says the real pervasive threat may come from a place closer to home.

This is Adam Webb, a thirty-five year old resident of South Jordan, Utah. Adam is an accountant who spends his time working, raising his three children, and playing with his dog Mylo. Mr. Webb appears to be your normal American living his life happily and within the law. However, my high level Pentagon source alleges that this man is far more of a threat than he appears, and the source of that threat may be concentrated in Mr. Webb's backyard shed.

My source, who only wants to be identified as Felt, claims that over the past weeks and months Adam webb has made numerous trips to purchase and smuggle home a large supply of high explosives. Felt claims that not only does Mr. Webb have more resources at his disposal than the entire nation of North Korea, but as of June 7th, Mr. Webb has more explosives at his disposal than the entire military of North Korea.

I reached Mr. Webb for a comment on this. He said, "No, there is no way that I have been going up to Evanston, Wyoming on a weekly basis to buy fireworks that are illegal in Utah. No, that is totally not true, nudge nudge wink wink."

This may end up to be another case where the claims made by my source Felt may be unverifiable. I do look forward to going to Mr. Webb's Fourth of July BBQ where he promises explosions, meat, explosions, beer, explosions, and explosions. Should be a blast.

Monopoly PS3 Review

My father taught me many things. How to shave, how to throw a baseball, how to get rejected by women, etc. One of the most treasured things he taught me how to dominate at the board game Monopoly. Basically, he taught me how to be a complete and unapologetic dick while playing the game. Reject all deals proposed to you, propose deals that are to your overwhelming advantage, do and say things that are aggressive, arrogant, and self-centered, and don't be afraid to offend people in the pursuit of utter victory.

Through use of these tactics, I have gone nearly ten years without losing a single game against anyone. I have not always been dominant in my victory, but I have ALWAYS won. However I've paid a price for these victory. I've played against many people who were my friends before the game and despised me after it, including several women that I was interested in romantically. This has caused me to enact a policy for myself: Don't play against anyone you like. In essence, if I play Monopoly against you, you can rest assured that I hate you.

I have played many different versions of Monopoly in video game form. NES, Playstation, Cell Phone, iPod, iPod Touch, and most recently PS3. I know that games of Monopoly take a long time to play out, sometimes months, but I expected video games versions of Monopoly to take not nearly as long. That was not to be. The PS3 version of Monopoly takes a long time to play out, especially when you involve the maximum of four users, to the point where I recognized my inevitable victory several hours before it happened.

That stands as my only complaint about this game, and if you know anything about Monopoly, you've grown to accept that as the norm. The graphics, sound, interface, and offline multiplayer are all excellent, and something that you will experience for months at a time.

Monopoly: B-

Deaf Ears

Have you ever been watching a movie or a television show with someone and the person you're watching it with keeps on interjecting? Whether it's reading the subtitles of a foreign movie, pointing out the actors in a TV show, saying this is a legendary scene in a movie, or even reminding you of the plot of the movie your are watching, isn't this just really annoying, Mom?

Why am I writing about this here? Not only is this highly personal, but this won't reach the intended audience as my Mom doesn't read my blog. I'd be better serves turning this into a Facebook post. But then I'd have to endure all the shit my Mom sends me. Not things I don't like or things that are crap, things that are SHIT.

For example, my Mom sent me a polygamous wife in Facebook. Why? Is she trying to make a comment about the status of my romantic life or does she think this might be fun? Because when I think of the horribly abusive environment that seems to persist in many polygamous cultures, fun is not what springs to mind.

I'm not really going anywhere with this and I feel the need for an ending right now. Hey look, a kittie!


The Trend Continues

A couple of years ago, Nintendo came out with their motion control technology. It wasn't perfect and they've since tried to perfect it with add-ons, but Nintendo's product accomplished something. It got people talking about, interested in, and ultimately doing something with motion control. In short, Nintendo got people started.

This year at E3, Microsoft introduced their own motion control technology with Project NATAL. Microsoft strove to mature the concept of motion control by taking the toy out of our hands and make controls more free form and open. In short, Microsoft serves us as we get older.

Also at this year's E3, Sony unveiled it's motion control technology. It consisted of a stick with a ball on it. Sony's technology looks amateurish, lacking, and unappealing. In short, Sony failed.

Nintendo got people started, Microsoft serves us as we get older, and Sony fails. The trend continues.

****-Shocking Unveilings For Rocktober Brides

Project NATALIE?

Among the things revealed at Monday's Microsoft E3 Press Conference was Project NATAL. Project NATAL promises a gaming experience where you are the controller, literally. Project NATAL looks to be very impressive and there has been much speculation as to how exactly this technology will be utilized. Because having a shiny new thing is great but if you don't utilize it properly it will go to waste.

One rumor having to do with Project NATAL has to do with a well known Hollywood actress. When the Microsoft Press Conference was broadcasted on G4 live closed captioning was provided. When Project NATAL was unveiled the closed captioning misspelled the project name as "Project Natalie". If that was an isolated incident it would have been written off as a mistake, but this misspelling continued throughout the rest of the presentation. This has led to speculation among the deaf community that Project NATAL will launch with a game or an application that will feature Natalie Portman.

I tried to talk to one of the main propagators of these rumors, Professor of History at Gallaudet University David Penna. However when I tried to talk to him, he started flashing gang signs and I punched him in the face. West Side!

I reached Miss Portman for a statement abut the rumors involving her. "These rumors are entirely false. I am not involved in any video game projects at present time. Also, for the last time, I will not go out with you."

Miss Portman's statement seems to close the deal on this rumor, but the future of Project NATAL is a large and unknown entity. Perhaps in the future there will be a game where you can interact with many Hollywood stars in the way that you interacted with Lionhead's Mylo. That would be sweet and I'm sure that, given Lionhead's track record, the first would be good, the second would be awesome.

Bride Saught

On Thursday, David Carradine was found dead in Bangkok. Beatrix Kiddo is currently being searched for by police for questioning.

The Hawk by Hunter Red Version 1.1
The Hawk PDF
So last week I posted a PDF version of The Hawk for people to download for free. Hopefully this will silence all those people who were whining about having to download a Word document. If you still have problems obtaining The Hawk, contact me and I'll give you explicit directions on where you should go. A bit of warning, before following through on the instructions make sure to dress for extremely warm temperatures. EXTREMELY warm.

By the way, I'll be doing a book signing on Sunday. The signing will take place at The Pie restaurant near the main campus of the University of Utah in Salt Lake City, Utah at approximately noon. This signing is contingent on whether or not I actually show up, and if you bother me while I'm eating I ain't signing nothin' for you. The location of this signing may change to The Pier 49 Pizza on State Street near the Best Buy, the Chili's down the street from my house, or my kitchen if I decide to eat in. Hope to see you there... except for the last one.


On Friday I tried to play Little big Planet. I wanted to fully experience this game, including the downloadable levels. In order to do this, I had to deal with PSN. The utter incompetence that is PSN prevented me from experiencing the creative levels of my fellow gamers. I wasn't even able to connect to download the update! PSN fails!

Brutal Legend Comes Out... When?

One of the fuckton of games showcased at this year's E3 Convention is Tim Schafer's lastest game, Brutal Legend. In an interview on G4, Mr. Schafer said that the release date for Brutal Legend is set for "Rocktober 13th".

This concept of "Rocktober" intrigued me. I had never heard of this "Rocktober" and was intended as to how this fit into the modern Gregorian calendar. So I Googled "Rocktober" and received the suggestion of "Did you mean October", to which I replied, "No, if I meant October, I would have said October. I want to know about Rocktober!? Because Google lacks voice recognition, I was unable to get a response.

I scoured the internet in search for this mythological "Rocktober" to no success. the closest thing I found was an ad for a Chevy dealership that recently was forced out of business. Apparently "Rocktober" is a concept that is unknown to this world, much like a good design for the Playstation Portable.

A spokesman for Double Fine Studios, the creator of Brutal Legend, said about this topic, "You don't know what Rocktober is? I guess you're not metal enough." This might be true as I am a human and not a mechasapien.

When reached for comment about this issue, Jack Black, who provides the voice of Eddie Riggs for Brutal Legend, said to me, "You wanna get high?"

As of this writing, I have yet to find a firm, verifiable release date for the hotly anticipated Brutal Legend. This is after persistent and belligerent calls to my local Game Stop asking, "What the fuck is Rocktober!" This was followed shortly by a visit from Chelsea, an officer with the West Valley City Police Department. A young brunette female with a police baton. I think I'm in love.

Xbox 360 Shock Controller Confirmed!

At Microsoft's E3 Press Conference on Monday a new game was announced that set the gaming world ablaze. Hideo Kojima walked on stage during Microsoft's conference to announce Metal Gear Solid: Rising

Among the images seen during the announcement were the words "Lightning Bolt Action" connected to MGS:R. No details were given at the press conference as to what this meant. After hitting up my contacts, I was given exclusive access to the meaning behind "Lightning Bolt Action". However, in order to make this info public, I agreed to keep my source anonymous.

As was the cast with Metal Gear Solid 4 on the PS3, a new controller will launch for the Xbox 360 just before the launch of Metal Gear Solid: Rising. this new controller has been dubbed "The 360 Shock Controller". What makes this controller different is the way manual user feedback is handled. Instead of rumble technology, which is so last gen, the user will feel the game as they play it by way of minor electrical currents being fed into the user hands. yes, the 360 Shock Controller will literally shock you.

It is unknown what kind of technical and legal hurdles will have to be overcome before the 360 Shock Controller will make it's way to market, but this sure is an intriguing development in the realm of user feedback. It should, at the very least, serve as a deterrent for me playing games with the controller on my crotch.