Hunter Red and Robin Anderson are sitting in Robin's office leafing through some rather thick magazines.
Robin- Are you as disinterested in what's in these magazines as I am?
Hunter- I'm only interested in seeing if body builders could tear these magazines in two like they can phone books.
Seifer Kinneas comes wandering into Robin's office. He looks to be in an absolute daze.
Robin- Hey boss, what's up?
Seifer- I just saw Inception.
Robin- What did you think of it?
Seifer doesn't respond.
Hunter- Seifer, you okay?
Seifer- You know how in Inception Leonardo Di Caprio's character knows he's in the real world because a top he spins can fall?
Seifer- I just realized that I haven't seen a top fall in a very long time.
Robin- What do you mean?
Seifer- I've been living in Utah for several years now, and in that time I haven't seen a top fall. I need to know this world is real. I need to see a top fall.
Seifer then looks squarely at Robin.
Robin- What are you looking at me for?
Hunter then stands up.
Hunter- Hey boss!
Hunter takes off the shirt he's wearing, holds it out beside him, then lets it drop to the floor.
Hunter- Have you seen a top fall now?
Seifer looks at Hunter and says-
Seifer- How come your boobs are bigger than Robin's?
Robin throws the magazine she was looking through at Seifer, hitting him in the head and knocking his out. Robin and Hunter stand over Seifer, look at Seifer, and say-
Robin- Are we going to have to wake him up in time for out wedding?
Hunter- Nah. He'd just raid the open bar and hit on my mom.
You're All Invited
Elvis and Allison Red And Denis and Marissa Anderson
are proud to announce the wedding of
Hunter Wallace Red and Robin Crystal Anderson
On November First, in the year of your Lord Two Thousand and Ten.
A private ceremony will be held with a public reception to follow at the Gnasu Reception Hall at 8583 South East Temple, Sandy, Utah. All are invited to attend the reception and wish the happy couple a joyous and fruitful life together.
The couple is registered at The Blue Boutique.
When I was a kid, cellphones were used to make calls. I know, weird huh? Today, cellphones can play games, run apps, update the Twitbook, and, on occasion, make phone calls. Now with the iPhone 4, you can't even make calls! They say it's an antenna problem, but come on. How can they call it an "iPhone" if it can't make phone calls! So this week, on Handynerd Corner, I'm going to show you how to fix your iPhone's antenna problem.
Now, I could just wrap the whole thing in the handynerd's secret weapon, duct tape, but that would be too easy of a solution. I mean if that solution could work, someone would have come up with it already. Now, Apple tells you the solution is to buy a bumper from them, but you know what, NO! I'm not giving you more money to fix a problem that you caused and you should fix anyway! Besides, all this bumper is just a circular piece is rubber that goes around the outside of the iPhone, and I know where to get a circular piece of rubber. My wallet.
This, nerds and lurkers, is a "condom". A condom is a latex, polyurethane, or lambskin device used to prevent the sharing of various fluids when engaging in sexual intercourse. Intercourse is that thing you spend hours watching people do online. Now, all I have to do is roll out the condom, remove the phallic shaped portion, and place the outside ring of the condom on the outside of the iPhone 4. Now to take the condom out of the package.
Hunter tears open the condom package, looks inside, then pours out a pile of dust from the package.
Okay, looks like I need to get my own condom, since the one my Dad gave me seems to have expired several years ago. So, we're going to go on with the show, while I go to the place where condoms are sold. I think I'm going to have to Google "Where can I buy condoms?" to find out where to buy them.
The new KoRn CD is out. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Handynerd Corner: 2
Okay, so I went down to one of the 2874 gas stations I have within a five minute drive of me and picked up a pack of condoms, as well as some Funyuns and a bottle of Coke.
Hunter takes the condom out of the package and finds that there's actually a condom in there.
Okay, now to just remove the phallic portion of the condom from the ring.
Hunter has removed all but the outside ring from the condom.
Now, I'm just going to slip the condom on the iPhone.
Hunter tries to put the condom on the iPhone and fails.
Okay, now to just-
Hunter tries again, gets the condom on one corner and fails.
Hunter gets the condom on three corners of the iPhone then fails.
Okay, this appears to be harder then it appears. Maybe I need to find something bigger.
Hunter thinks for a second.
I could get those jumbo condoms, but no one would actually believe I can fill one of those. Wait! I'll be back
Bobby And Chris
Bobby Kotick is sitting in his office at the headquarters of The Great Empire Of Activision. He's sitting behind his desk, thinking.
Bobby- We implemented this Real ID system, which displays the real names of our users in our games, and now people are complaining about it. They're saying it could lead to widespread abuses, stalking, and vigilantism. How can we silence these people?
Bobby's face lights up as he's just had an idea. He picks up the phone on his desk and dials.
Bobby- Hello Patricia?
Patricia- Yes Bobby?
Bobby- You know that list we have of the people who have complained about out Real ID system?
Bobby- Is there a way we could "accidentally" release that list to the public?
There is a short pause.
Patricia- Why would we do that?
An evil look comes over Bobby Kotick's face.
Bobby- To silence those who oppose us.
There is a short pause.
Patricia- Okay, I'll get right on that.
Bobby looks at the camera and maintains the evil look on his face through the fade.
Chris Buttars is sitting in his office at his office at his home in West Jordan, Utah. He's sitting behind his desk thinking.
Chris- We're currently crafting a law that would closely resemble the Immigration Law that was just passed in Arizona, and now people are complaining about it. They're saying it could lead to widespread abuses, stalking, and vigilantism. How can we silence these people?
Chris's face lights up as he's just had an idea. He picks up the phone on his desk and dials.
Chris- Hello Stephen?
Stephen- Yes Chris?
Chris- You know that list the state of Utah has of all the known illegal immigrants that live in the state?
Chris- Is there a way we could "accidentally" release that list to the public?
There is a short pause.
Stephen- Why would we do that?
An evil look comes over Chris's face.
Chris- To silence those who oppose us.
There is a short pause.
Stephen- Okay, I'll get right on that.
Chris looks at the camera and maintains the evil look on his face through the fade.
Handynerd Corner: 3
So, I just got back from the doctors office, where I let a man shove his hand up my ass, and this time not recreationally. I did this for two reasons. One: I'm getting older, and as men get older they need to have a man shove his hand up their ass for a reason that escapes me. Two: I needed to steal some latex gloves, and what better way to steal latex gloves than to spend three hours in a waiting room, pay a $50 co-pay, then have an older man violate you. Okay, now I have to separate the hand portion of this glove from the ring portion, which is something I wish the doctor had done before he performed his "exam".
So, I've removed the ring portion of the glove from the hand portion, and now to slip the ring portion over the outside of the iPhone.
Hunter tries to put the ring on the iPhone and fails.
Wait, let's try this again.
Hunter tries to put the ring on the iPhone, get the ring on three corners of the iPhone and fails. Hunter then throws the ring away.
Okay, so apparently this isn't going to work. What else can I do?
Hunter thinks for a second.
I guess I could try the handynerd's secret weapon, duct tape, like I do with ever other project I do, but that is such a basic solution, someone else would have come up with it before me.
Hunter appears on screen with an iPhone covered from top to bottom with duct tape.
So apparently covering the whole damn thing with duct tape does work to solve the antenna problem, and makes for a relatively inexpensive case. Well, that's it for the Handynerd portion of the show, and remember: If a woman is repulsed by your nerdiness, she can at least find you handy. Now to test it out.
Hunter places a phone call.
Hello? Yes, it's me. I'm testing out my iPhone fix. Okay, later.
Hunter hangs up the phone.
Red Is Annoyingly Blissful
THE NEW KORN CD IS OUT! I'M NEARLY BURSTING WITH HOW HAPPY I AM! WAIT, OH SHIT!
Also, The Black Robin Christmas Carol, November 1st, assuming we can gather all the pieces of Hunter Red back together.
Full Disclosure: My copy of Crackdown 2 came courtesy of a code given to me by Billy O'Keefe.
On my way home from work I pass many things. Gas station, Burger King, McDonald's, gas station, Wendy's, Chick-Fil-A, gas station, Chinese buffet, track housing, gas station, tire store, Wal-mart, gas station, tire store, Wal-Mart, gas station, strip club, Burger King, gas station, grocery store that has a gas station out front, gas station, and so on, and so on, and gas station.
Among the last things I pass on my way home is a gas station, and a neighbor of mine who is a horse farmer. Ron is a nice guy, always puts in a hard days work, and instills these principles in his children, 24, 17, 15, 9, 8, 4, 3, and 1. On the fence of Ron's farm is a sign that reads "Free Manure."
Now by manure Ron means horseshit. As a horse farmer, Ron as an abundant and ever growing supply of fresh, high quality, and potent "manure". Ron could sell this "manure" to people and make quite a good amount of money, especially if he sells it to liberal yuppies who are more rich than smart, but Ron doesn't do that. Ron gives "manure" away for free because that's the way his daddy did it, and his daddy before him, and his daddy who ran a gas station.
One day I took Ron up on his offer of free "manure" and took a bag full of rich smelly goodness home to spread on my lawn. Sure I have no good sense as to what to do with "manure" and how to effectively spread "manure" on my lawn, but it was free and in abundant supply. So, as I was spreading "manure" onto the various brown patches in my lawn and on the window sills of the high school I graduated from, I got to thinking: Does this "manure" being free make it good? Does a product being free make a product good? The answer in this case was no. Horseshit is horseshit. Whether you call it "manure", horseshit, or vandalism, being free does not make horseshit any better than the "manure" you can get at your local garden supply store. This is a statement you can make about most any product. From laptops, to Coca-Cola, to bullshit, being free does not make a product better.
One product that bucks this trend is Crackdown 2. I'll admit, I played the demo for the original Crackdown and nothing else. I was not motivated to buy Crackdown 2 mostly because I had heard it was a lot like the first game, which didn't impress me, and I'm broke and lack the capacity to pirate games. However, on the Sunday before it launched, I received a code to download Crackdown 2 over Live for free. So I took advantage of this opportunity to receive a game that I would have otherwise not bought, and am grateful that I did so. Crackdown 2 is a fun little game. You can spend hours traversing around in this city, collecting agility orbs and beating up zombies without ever addressing the main driving point of this game. Sure the story is a little weak, but the point of the game isn't really to tell a story. It's to provide the gamer with an environment that they and their friends can tear to pieces without having to deal with the normal things in life, like the fact that there's an absurd amount of gas stations near their home.
Saying that dollar for dollar this is the best game I own would be a disingenuous thing to say seeing as I didn't pay for it. What I can say is that if I hand't gotten this game for free I very well might have paid for it.
Crackdown 2: B
Real Live Flame Warz!!!
This is Norbel Brown. He is a graphic designer and part time explosives expert living with his wife and various kids. On Thursday, Mr. Brown went live on Justin.tv to announce that, rather than staying with Activision, the company he had spent seven years working for, he would be going to work with South Beach Games. Norbel said this decision was driven by his desire to be in a situation where he could create many great gaming experiences and win several of the industry's highest awards over the next couple of years.
This news angered Activison's CEO Bobby Kotick. Mr. Kotick even went as far as posting a letter on Activision's official website denouncing Norbel Brown. This statement contained so many inflammatory and insulting remarks that news organizations had to check with Activision to make sure that this letter was real. The letter reads as follows.
Today we have learned something about Norbel Brown. We learned what kind of a man Norbel is. We learned how much Norbel treasures the concepts of loyalty and respect that he instills in the children he works with. We also learned today how much of a total bitch Norbel Brown is. What kind of a narcissistic ass makes a public spectacle of a decision such as this? What kind of an attention whore would even contemplate drawing unnecessary attention to themselves is a manner such as this? What does this say about the kind of man that we held up as a shining example to the gaming community and the children of this country?
Well, we here at The Great Empire Of Activison will not stand for such acts. Furthermore, WE HERE AT THE GREAT EMPIRE OF ACTIVISON WILL WORK TO CREATE GAMES THAT WILL CRUSH THE PITIFUL OFFERINGS BROUGHT TO THE MARKET BY NORBEL BROWN, AND WE WILL PREVAIL OVER SOUTH BEACH GAMES, AND WILL OWN THEIR ASSES IN THE MARKET. Also, WE WILL WIN THE SAME AWARDS THAT NORBEL BROWN WANTS TO WIN, BUT WE WILL WIN THEM SOONER! AND WE WILL WIN MORE OF THEM! SO THERE!
Quote the Kotick, nevermore!
No comments have been made by Activison refuting the comments put online by Bobby Kotick on Thursday night, but that is probably because all of Activision's employees are afraid Mr. Kotick will rage out on them and attack them with a flaming basketball jersey.
When the Health Care and Education Reconciliation Act of 2010 was passed I received an email offering me a free certificate of accomplishment for my support of the passage the healthcare bill. I received this email because I contributed to Pres. Obama's 2008 campaign and have yet to opt out of his mailing list. I submitted my name to receive this certificate, not actually believing that I would receive one. Well, guess what I got in the mail on Tuesday.
I'm getting a frame for this totally legitimate certificate that I may or may not have earned. I'm putting it next to my degree from that online university I never went to and the crown that stands as proof of my royalty in The Grand Kingdom of Burger.
Miyamoto Hints at New Character For Next Year
Posted Jul 01, 2010 at 10:49, By Anoop Gantayat
Sankei Shimbun has posted a brief writeup on Nintendo's recent shareholder meeting, which was held at the company's Kyoto headquarters on the 29th.
According to the paper, Shigeru Miyamoto said at the event, "It's about time for a new game character. Perhaps this can be delivered next year."
Miyamoto also said at the event that he's busy with 3DS software development right now, noting, "I'll suddenly have ideas, so being busy now is a good condition."
Apple's iPad also apparently came up at the event. A shareholder asked that age old question of Nintendo potentially providing software for competing devices like iPad. "We have absolutely no plans to offer software," insisted CEO Satoru Iwata, noting that Nintendo provides hardware and software as one and that other companies make devices do not match with its values.
Separate from the Sankei report, a shareholder provided a more complete summary of the meeting and the live 3DS demonstration that followed. See this story for more, including Miyamoto's comments on Pikmin and his recent swimming hobby.
And Now News From The Future...
As usual, Shigeru Miyamoto made a statement at the 2010 E3 Nintendo Press Conference. His statement was as follows:
"Remember that statement I made at a Nintendo shareholder meeting on June 29th about it being time for a new character in a new game? SIKE! Here's another Zelda game!"
Hello, my name is Hunter Red...
Hi, my name is: Hunter
Never in my life have I been: Normal
The one person who can drive me nuts is: Chris Buttars
High school: Hunter ’01. It’s a coincidence that I share a name with the high school I graduated from, I swear.
When I’m nervous: Freeze
The last song I listened to was: U2- Helter Skelter from Rattle and Hum
If I were to get married right now my best man/maid of honor: Whoever is putting up the money for the wedding.
My hair is: Red, long, and unmanaged. Just how I like it.
When I was 5: Five
Last Christmas: I gave out more presents than I received. It’s official: I’m old.
I should be: Watching Countdown while in bed.
When I look down I see: A shirt stained with BBQ sauce.
The happiest recent event was: My niece’s birthday party. I got to kick a soccer ball around a tennis court while children chased it.
If I were a character on ‘Friends’ I’d be: In New York
By this time next year: I hope to be receiving many rejection letters in relation to my three books.
My current gripe is: I wish I had more money
I have a hard time understanding: Conservatives.
There’s this girl I know that: is really hard to talk to because I fear I might put my foot in my mouth.
I like you when: you are there.
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Twitter.
Take my advice: Stop caring about what other people think and try to become satisfied with yourself.
The thing I want to buy: A house
I plan to visit: Pocatello for a family reunion. I know, so interesting. (Sarcasm Emoticon)
If you spent the night at my house: I’d have you sleep on the couch with the rest of them.
I’d stop my wedding if: I woke up.
The world could do without: Conservatives
Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: Lunch.
My favorite blonde is: Scarlett Johansson
My favorite brunette is: Amanda Palmer
My favorite red head is: Me
My middle name is: Wallace
In the morning I: Try to clear out my Tivo. It is much too full.
The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: Pigs. Maybe then I could get married.
Once, at a bar: I don’t go out drinking much because I live in a place where those in power are openly hostile to people who drink. Because of this, I do not have a story that starts “Once, at a bar…”
Last night I was: Downloading the Rush discography. I’m still doing that now.
There’s this guy I know who: Is a sexy motherfucker. I’m not into guys but Marcus is an undeniably sexy man.
If I was an animal I’d be: eaten.
A better name for me would be: I’ve already re-named myself. Let’s not do that again.
Tomorrow I am: Waking up. Nothing else is planned.
Tonight I am: Making out this self obsessed list, the kind of thing I thought would never be a part of my blog. Oh well, I’m awesome.
My birthday is: August 5th. Get on the present buying peoples!
This Horrific Display Tops Any Horror Movie I've Ever Seen
Have you ever said aloud to your self, "I suck," and then someone came up behind you and said, "Now don't beat yourself up." Well, proofreading is like telling yourself that you suck and then going into great detail as to how exactly you suck. By the way, don't download The Hawk right now at Redertainment.com. A much better version is coming. Perhaps in time for the release of The Black Robin Christmas Carol on November 1st, or not.