Tea With Rufus

Warning: The following article contains many words people find objectonable. If you are one of these people, please feel free to go fuck yourself.

One of my favorite movies is 13 Tzemeti, a french black and white film that you've never seen. When I saw it in the theater, I saw it in a theater with one other person, an old guy named Rufus. After the movie ended, we started talking about the movie and other various things over tea at the Chinese restaurant next door. This has evolved into an almost weekly tradition, even though I think tea tastes like piss. Rufus is a freelance newspaper writer, and a self described "satanist, or as it's known outside of Utah, liberal."

Last Sunday, we had a very interesting conversation that I have transcribed here.

Hunter- Hey man.
Rufus- Hey
H- What's new at work?
R- Joe Cannon called me the other day.
H- Fuck
R- He wants me to write an article.
H- What does that twat want you to write about?
R- He wants me to write a history of the word "cunt" without using any words that might be found objectionable.
H- Excuse me? Are you fucking shitting me?
R- Nope.
H- How exactly are you supposed to write the history about an objectionable word without using any objectionable language?
R- That's Joe Cannon for you. A cocksucking motherfucker who despite having no experience in newspapers or journalism, runs a newspaper that presumable has journalistic integrity.
H- I thought the biggest turd I'd ever see in newsprint was Vince Horiuchi, but no. The neo-cons who run things around here managed to fart out another piece of shit.
R- I hear that brother.

At this point the Chinese restaurant waitress, Claire, comes with our tea. Claire is absolutely beautiful, so I reacted in my typical fashion, paralysis.
Claire- Gentlemen, here is your tea, and I've been asked to ask you not to swear so loudly.
R- Yes, we'll try to keep it down.

Claire walks away, I stare at her as she does so.
R- You know, if you actually talked to her, she might just show you her tits.
H- I highly doubt that. The only way I can view a woman even partially undressed is if I search for it online.
R- Do you look at anything online that isn't in someway erotic?
H- I saw something on BBC News that wasn't erotic.
R- Bullshit, what was it, and article about Billie Piper?

Rufus takes a sip of tea
H- It was about a recent Supreme Court decision.
R- Well, tell me about it what those motherfuckers decided now.

Rufus takes a bigger sip of tea.
H- They struck down a law that allowed people to be executed for child rape.

Rufus performs a spit take, spraying my face with tea. (By the way, getting sprayed in the face with something that tastes like piss isn't as appealing as it sounds.)
H- Gee thanks.
R- Are you fucking shitting me? You sure you didn't read it on a fake news site, like The Onion ot Fox News?
H- Nope, it's real. I even heard about in on the NBC Nightly News.
R- Motherfucking bullshit. I thought Federal Communications Commission v. Pacifica Foundation was bad, but this.
H- I don't get it, when FCC v. Pacifica came down, they said it was because kids could be watching television at certain times. Excuse me? Am I totally off base in thinking that a kid gets damaged more from getting fucked than hearing the word fuck?

Claire comes back with a towel.
Claire- Do you nees this?
H- Yes, thank you.

I wipe my face off.
H- You doing anything later?
Claire- I get off at three.
H- There's a movie playing at The Tower at three-thirty, you wanna go?
Claire- Sure, I'm looking forward to it.

Claire gives me a peck on the cheek, and walks away. My eyes follow her as she does.
R- I think she digs you.
H- Yeah. By the way, what's playing at The Tower?
R- Orgazmo.

I get a stunned look on my face.
H- Shit.
R- Yep.
H- Well, at least I know I'm going to see some tits today.
R- I hear that.

Rufus and I clink glasses.

A Message From Mr. Johnson

On Thursday, international news channel Al Jazeera aired another Al Qaeda propaganda tape. This tape featured an up to that point unknown Al Qaeda lieutenant. The State Department has identified this man as Aijavahuj Johnson, a former US citizen who moved to Afghanistan after his conversion to Islam in 1995.

Aijavahuj Johnson attended the prestigious Wang Institute and was well on his way to earning a Bachelor's Degree in Customer Service before his conversion. His father, Richard Johnson, gave a statement to the press saying, "It's just such a disappointment. He's supposed to be big and strong by now, but look. I swear it's never happened to me before." Aijavahuj's mother Flacyd Johnson said, "I'm thinking about trading him in for another younger one. For a long time, I've felt the urge to welcome a new Johnson into my life."

The State Department estimates Aijavahuj Johnson's video was made in early 2008 and was filmed near Tora Bora. Tora Bora is known as a Taliban hotspot, a crucial part of the Opium Trade, and the center of the growing Afghan porn industry. The video is entirely in Arabic, so the translation is patchy at best. What is clear is that in the video, Aijavahuj Johnson criticizes America and their eager consumption of bananas, sausages, and submarine sandwiches.

Thanks to clues hidden in the video and other intelligence obtained, Aijavahuj Johnson is expected to be captured in the coming days. A high level Pentagon official said that the intelligence for Mr. Johnson's capture was obtained "using methods that are not torturous and are totally legal... in Myanmar." The entire Bush administration is said to be elated with this development.

Still President Bush has been heard repeatedly saying "Aijavahuj Johnson" and chuckling lightly.

Dick Cheney was heard to say, "Soon the framework will be in place, and I will take my rightful place as ruler of this empire. Now, if only I could eliminate that young kid. The force is strong in those big ears."

Condoleezza Rice said "Aijavahuj Johnson? That's sounds vaguely dirty to me for some reason."

This reporter reached out to the Democrats for a comment on this story, however a message left at the office of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reed remains unanswered.

Pronouncing Key: Aijavahuj : Ai-jav-a-huj

A Certain Woman

There's something I've noticed recently. In every school/workplace/charitable organization, there's one certain woman. This person is respected, revered, honored, or even worshiped by those that are lucky enough to be her friends. These people pledge absolute allegiance to her, and defend her to the ends of the Earth against those who wish to bring her down.

This woman illicits a different response amongst those on the outside. These people question her at every level. They question her true potential. They question the method she uses to spread her message. They question her honor and motivations toward those around her. These people even question her followers, even to the point of questioning their mental capacities.

I was once one of the people who tried to bring down this certain woman. I insulted her in ways that I had never insulted someone of the female persuasion. However, recently, I was granted an audience with this certain person. After several long and very enjoyable sessions with this certain woman, I have truly accepted her into my life. I support her, defend her, even give freely to her.

In fact, I think I may have fallen. Yes, I am ready to proclaim for all within the sound of my keyboard to hear. I am in love...

with Wii

HRW+NW Forever

Red Monologues: Deadful Phone Call

Apartment, Afternoon. Hunter Red is a red head of medium height who regularly wears a T-shirt and cargo shorts. Hunter Red is sitting playing video games in his apartment, when his phone rings. The phone continues to ring throughout the scene.

Hunter Red- Okay, now a problem presents itself.

Hunter Red looks at the phone.

Hunter Red- I see the caller id, it my parents calling. Now, they know I'm home. It's the weekend, it's sunny out, an absolutely beautiful day, where else would I be but playing video games inside. My parents aren't calling me just for to see what I'm doing. No, they want me to do something. They always want me to do something. This is one of the problems with having no social life, people always think you can do things for them. Now, I can't ignore the phone because they know that I'm here, and they would get pissed. And I can't pick up the phone and say no because they would get pissed. And I can't bolt out of my apartment and make it more legitimately appear that I'm not home. Let me show you why.

Hunter Red walks over to the window, the camera follows him over.

Hunter Red- Look out there.

The camera shoots the parking lot, in particular one Red Hyundai Santa Fe.

Hunter Red- You see that, the Red Santa Fe there. That's my parent's car. My parents are calling me from their car in the parking lot of my apartment building.

The shot returns to Hunter Red by the window.

Hunter Red-That's right, rather than come up, knock on the door, and talk to me directly, they're calling me on the phone to see if I can do stuff for them. Luckily, I have found a way to extricate myself from this situation.

Hunter Red walks into his bedroom. Hunter then comes out of his bedroom looking completely different. Hunter Red is wearing a black wig, platform shoes, tight black leather pants, and a women's blouse.

Hunter Red- The best part of this getup is if I get caught by my neighbors, they'll stop asking me to come to any Republican/Conservative/Christian get meetings.

Hunter Red walks out the apartment door. The phone continues to ring as the scene ends.

The First Discussion

Sony Computer Entertainment of America has started a unique strategy for spreading the word of their new product Qore, a game where you take money away from stupid people. In addition to publicising the release of Qore by way of e-mails, press releases, and grifters, Sony plans to go forward with a strategy made famous by Jehovah's Witnesses and the LDS Church. Sony plans to send out it's Sony Defense Force, two by two in white shirts and ties, to spread the good word of Qore.

In a statement, SCEA Marketing Chief Ezra Taft Benson said, "This is a absolutely new idea in the world of video games. I look forward to using our loyal followers to reach out to potential loyal followers." SCEA Digital Media Chief David H. Splane said, "We plan to pound the pavement and doors diligently until all people are followers of the mighty Sony. All will eventually submit to us."

Reaction to this from the gaming community has been variant. Legend668 said, "I will go, I will do, the things my Lord commands." Ultimategreenwarrior said, "Qore sucks! It is absolutely worthless and devoid of value! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to continue reading the greatest publication in the history of man: Official Xbox Magazine." And finally, Redertainment said, "Damn it! There's a reason I'm a shut in.!"

It is unknown how successful this marketing strategy will be for Sony and Qore. Nintendo is expected to respond by revealing that Shigeru Miyamoto is the second coming of Jesus Christ. Meanwhile Microsoft will reveal that Bill Gates is God.

Xbox Live June Update List

Recently, Kotaku released a list of features that was supposed to be on the Microsoft 360 Spring Dashboard Update. In response, Larry Hryb, better known to the world as John James Preston, announced that there would be no update. However, today on his blog, Mr. Preston released a detailed list of what will be a part of the June 2008 Xbox 360 Dashboard Update to be released on Wednesday, June 18th at 3:00 A.M. PST. Here is a reproduction of that list.

The ability to plug in your iPod and stream music bought off iTunes.
The ability to play videos stored on most external devices plugged into the USB port.
The ability to clear any unwanted game from your played game/Gamerscore list, provided that no Gamerscore has been accrued.
If a user is watching a DVD, the user will appear as "Busy".
Recognition for selected DVD movies as well as games.

A new feature will be rolled out that will allow Gold Members to play Dreamcast, PS1 and PS2 games. This system, called Wired Extra ReUsuable Learned Extraordinarities, or W.E.R.U.L.E., is expected to work via a relationship with Black Pearl and head boss Jack Sparrow. The reaction to this move by game companies and console manufactures in decidedly "pissed".

Enabling of the ability to destroy the console of any cheating members via the as of yet discovered C4 charges packed in all 360 consoles.

The ability to turn the Red Rings of Death orange.
The as of yet described "SeXbox" feature.

The ability for users to turn on the controllers rumble feature and leave it on for hours in needed. This is expected to greatly benefit female users.

The ability to check your Hotmail account for messages from Nigerians looking to give you large sums of totally legitimate cash.

The ability to surf the Internet for all things, except pornography. As a result of the inability to surf porn, this feature is not expected to be used.

The ability to hire a hit man to take out people who are better than you at Halo 3.

The ability to better describe why you are filing a complaint against people over Xbox Live. This will allow you to better describe why that guy who showed Barbie dolls having sex should be banned, as well as shot.

The enabling of a peripheral that dispenses Red Bull.

A feature that allows the 360 to reject any game that rates under 40 on Metacritic.

The ability to search vehicle lots for any vehicles bought in Forza 2. This is not expected to help anyone searching for a vintage Geo Metro.
And finally, a feature that allows any hardcore gamer to get laid. Just kidding about that one.

The reaction to this update has been as variant as any decision made by Microsoft regarding it's gaming division. These reactions include "Kick ass", to "What the fuck!", to "Awesome! I'm gonna finally have sex!".

Human Zoo: Mating

In the year 8583, the human race will be conquered by aliens from the planet Kerry. This will cause the human race to be subjugated to the level that animals currently exist on. Like animals, most humans will be left to roam free, provided they don’t encroach on the Kerryites. However, the fast, slow, rare, cute, and sexually provocative ones will be put into Human Zoos for the amusement of the Kerryites and the young Kerryite-ets. This is the story of those in captivity.

Zoo exhibit, day. Brian is sitting in the exhibit staring at the side the Kerryites stand on. Dawn then walks in and sits down next to Brian.
Dawn- Hi.
Brian- Hey.
Dawn- What're ya doing?
Brian- Just sitting here as still as I can. Hopefully if I do, the Kerryites will grow bored with me and they’ll put me back in the wild. Hopefully somewhere near New Jersey.
Dawn- Oh. (Dawn notices something off screen.) What’s that over there?
Brian- That? They’ve has it on for a couple of hours now.
Dawn- Is that what I think it is?
Brian- Yep. They’re showing me porn.
Dawn- Wow. I didn’t know people could do that. Why do you think they’re showing you porn?
Brian- I have no idea.
Dawn- Maybe this has something to do with that steel shaft they stuck in my snatch yesterday.
Brian- What?
Dawn- The handlers pulled me aside yesterday, drugged me up, and stuck this two foot long steel shaft in my cootchie. I wish they hadn’t drugged, that would’ve been awesome.
Brian- Hmmm. I don’t know how any guy is supposed to compete with that.
Dawn- I think they want you to compete with that.
Brian- Excuse me?
Dawn- I heard about this before. They stick a man and a woman together in an exhibit, show them some porn, and then hope they ravage each other sexually.
Brian- Huh. You don’t say.
Dawn- So, you want to get to ravaging.
Brian- Not really.
Dawn- Why not? Am I just not attractive to you, even in the slightest?
Brian- No, you are a beautiful attractive woman.
Dawn- So, what are you gay?
Brian- No, it’s not that.
Dawn- Well, what is it?
Brian- They’re always watching us.
Dawn- What?
Brian- They’re always watching us. There’s no privacy to be had here. It doesn’t matter if we’re eating, sleeping, grooming ourselves, or taking a crap, they are always watching us. Hell, I haven’t even ravaged myself sexually yet.
Dawn- You got a point there. Maybe I can ask the handlers for some alone time later.
Brian- What?
Dawn- I can ask the handlers to do things for me. Watch. (Dawn starts to speak louder.) Hey Kerryites! Can you turn off that TV? It’s starting to disgust me. (TV turns off.) Now, can you pipe in some sexy music? (Techno music starts.) No, some human sexy music. (Bon Jovi music starts.) No, fuck it, turn it off! (Music stops.) So, you want some alone time later.
Brian- Maybe you can ask the handlers to give you the shaft again.
(Dawn gets a stunned look on her face. Dawn then starts to run off the screen.)
Dawn- Hey handlers! Handlers!
Brian- Hmmm. It’s a shame. I really wanted to imitate that porn video with her. (Music starts: Flight of the Conchords: Business Time.) (Louder) You know that’s only sexy ironically. (Sighs)


Meet The Press 6/1/2008: Scott McClellan Interview First Take

On Sunday, June 1st, 2008, former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan appeared on Meet The Press with Tim Russert to discuss his book "What Happened". What appeared on the broadcast that week is the second take of that interview. Here now is the first take. In this script, Tim Russert is referred to only by his name. Scott McClellan is also referred to by his name.

Meet The Press opening images as they appeared on the broadcast. Cut to a one shot of Tim Russert. (From here on out, when referring to different dialog lines, assume that the shot alternated between one shots of the person giving the lines unless directed otherwise.)

MR. RUSSERT: But first, with us for an exclusive Sunday morning interview, the man who has had Washington buzzing all week, former press secretary to President Bush, Scott McClellan, and his new book, "What Happened."


MR. SCOTT McCLELLAN: Tim, thanks for having me on today. Glad to be here.

MR. RUSSERT: The response has been extraordinary to this book. You have been called by your fellow Republicans a "turncoat," "a snitch," "Benedict Arnold." Bob Dole, ranking Republican in all of Washington, sent an e-mail and said this: "Scott.

"There are miserable creatures like you in every administration who don't have the guts to speak up or quit if there are disagreements with the boss or colleagues. No, your type soaks up the benefits of power, revels in the limelight for years, then quits, spurned on by greed, cashes in with a scathing critique. In my nearly 36 years of public service, I've known a few like you. ...

"You should have spoken up publicly like a man, or quit your cushy, high profile job. That would have taken integrity and courage but then you've had--would have had credibility and your complaints could have been aired objectively. You're a hot ticket now but don't you, deep down, feel like a total ingrate?"

Do you?

(At this point Scott's face goes bone white. He tries to speak, but begins to stammer unintelligibly. He then gets up and runs off camera. A short time afterward, Scott is heard screaming off camera.)

MR. SCOTT McCLELLAN: Noooooooooooooooo! I didn't want to do this interview! I was forced by my handlers to do this. I didn't even tell what I really feel in my book. It's a web of lies! I did it for money. I love you George! I still am a whore in the real sense of the word. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

(Scott then is given a hash sedative, is spoken to by a member of the Vice President's staff, recomposes himself, and the interview is started over.)