Location, Location, Location?

Report: MLS Will Shut Down Chivas USA

I remember seeing reports about Chivas USA.  When I did so I wondered where Chivas USA was located.  This is a bad thing because you can usually tell straight away where a team is located by looking at it's name.  Real Salt Lake is located in Salt Lake City, Utah.  The Seattle Sounders are located in Seattle.  FC Dallas is located in Dallas.  The Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim are, of course, located in New Orleans.  I never got an answer to where Chivas USA is located, and it appears that I never will.  Also, we have soccer in America?

The Threat Is There?

Terrorism is something that work on the mind much more than it works on the body.  Terrorism isn't about being threatening.  Terrorism is about making you feel that you are threatened.  Misinformation is one of the tools of a terrorist.

Hacker group claims it took down Call of Duty, Destiny, and EA servers

Whether the claim is real or not, you think that it is, or at the very least that it is possible.  That perceived possibility makes you think that a threat may be imminent, even when that threat is remote at best.  Misinformation is also a tactic used by legitimate organizations.  Namely, the government.


Kindergarten Mode

Earlier this week it was reported that a bug inside EA Sports's FIFA 15 made it so that all of the players on the screen, including the goalies and referees, would congregate around the center of the field in one large cluster.  The internet got a huge laugh from the video that was posted of the bug, which is embedded above.  As it turns out there is a legitimate reason for this bug to exist.

When the latest edition of EA Sports's NHL 15 was released, a lot of people criticized the game for the reduced amount of game modes in it, as compared to last year's model.  Consumers especially criticized the game for it not including or reducing such modes as GM Mode, Online Team Play, and the Winter Classic.  As it turns out NHL 15 is not the only sports title recently released that had a number of game modes removed from it.  As revealed on Redditt, deep inside the code for FIFA 15 are references to something called "Kindergarten Mode".

As anybody who has seen very young children attempt to play soccer knows, most of the games involving young children playing soccer quickly devolves into a herd of kids kicking the ball wildly, running into eachother, and then beginning to cry.  Watching young children attempt to play soccer has none of the subtle graces and techniques that are seen in professional soccer, but does feature people running into eachother.  This element of soccer that is rarely seen in professional soccer may be what motivated programmers to create "Kindergarten Mode" in FIFA 15.  We all know that guy who watches NASCAR for the car crashed.  Why not bring that lurid excitement to soccer?

Oh, right, because kids getting hurt isn't funny.  It really isn't funny.  Really.



Sympathy is a funny thing.  Sometimes you feel it strongly toward someone.  Other times you don't feel any sympathy at all.

Mexican cartels steal billions from oil industry

I feel no sympathy toward the oil industry in this case whatsoever.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go drive Rubi, my big fucking SUV that gets fifteen miles to the gallon.

Overlooked Privacy Invasion Ruling

Sometimes a story comes along that I am honestly amazed that people overlook and are not outraged by.

'Paternalistic' Law Banning Upskirt Photos Thrown Out By Texas Court

"Protecting someone who appears in public from being the object of sexual thoughts seems to be the sort of 'paternalistic interest in regulating the defendant's mind' that the First Amendment was designed to guard against. We also keep in mind the Supreme Court's admonition that the forms of speech that are exempt from First Amendment protection are limited, and we should not be quick to recognize new categories of unprotected expression."

So a law banning people talking upskirt photos of people against their will was overturned because the breaking the law amounted to a thought crime, and upskirt photography might be a new kind of expression that was unprotected up to this point.  I know that we're all distracted by the Ray Rice and other spouse beating scandal thing, and us going to war against a group of people on the other side of the planet because of the outside possibility that they might attack us here in America, again, but come on!  This ruling isn't getting the attention that it deserves.  This ruling just made it legal in Texas for people to invade people's privacy.  That's wrong, and the reasoning used for the decision is wrong.  The way we thing about things is a primary motivating factor of why we do things.  To discount people's thoughts as it relates to their actions is to discount a basic part of the way that people live.

Also, saying that a law is paternalistic in nature is not accurate.  It's not that woman are specifically protected from having their underwear photographed surreptitiously, it's that in most instances of laws like this being broken it's men photographing women's underwear surreptitiously.  It's like saying that laws against graffiti are specifically against people expression involving spraypaint.  No, that's just the circumstance where the law is most often broken.  There isn't a pervasive number of women who are surreptitiously taking photographs of men in their underwear, so women are not likely to break laws having to do with people surreptitiously taking pictures of people's underwear.

Why aren't people making a big deal about this ruling?  The only place I saw this case being reported on was on Jezebel.  As near as I can tell, this ruling did not get picked up for national news attention to any degree.  Why aren't people getting motivated about this?  Why aren't people getting mad about this?  Why don't I have an ending for this piece?  Hey look, a kittie!

Found Questioning #4

The premise.  This Found Questioning comes courtesy of Screamer.

Is Manchester United's Newest Savior A Fraud?

Yes.  The very concept of a savior is a lie meant to make the populace think that there is something that is going to stop the inevitable.  No one is able stop what is to come.  No government, no corporation, no person, nothing and no one will save you.  The only thing that you puny humans can do is fill the time allotted to you with that which you feel will be satisfying.  That is why you should buy bacon.

Bacon: The only pure joy in life.

This message has been brought to you by the International Bacon Foundation.


The breast and worst of Tokyo Game Show

I like that there's a completely legitimate excuse for this that I could honestly give a fuck about.

Someday I'll Regain Control. Maybe

I remember when my sleep patterns was something that I was in control of.  I remember when I used to be able to go to sleep and wake up at a time of my choosing.  I remember when I was in control of my slumber.  I fear I might never regain that control.

This Shit Ends Eventually, Right?

Buddhism teaches us that life is suffering.  Yep.


I need something to distract me from the stresses of the day.  Something that will distract me from the perpetual bad news machine that is the American press today.  Something good, wholesome, and nice.

Al Green, Sting, Tom Hanks, Lily Tomlin among Kennedy Center honorees

Okay, it's good that the Kennedey Center is going to honor Sting, but I wonder how the WWE will handle it since Sting's never really worked for them.  That questioning makes this news story not rise to the level of the distraction that I needed.

Kate Middleton and Prince William Expecting Second Royal Baby

News from the royal family has been a good source of distraction for the past couple of years.  The news of the impending royal baby is good, but I need something more domestic to distract me.

And that'll do it.  Wrestlers and royal babies may provide temporary distraction, but boobs will always provide me with something that will remain front and center in my mind.


Portman Suspects What?

Natalie Portman is one of my most favorite actresses.  My ears perk up whenever I hear that she's involved in a new project.  Black Swan is one of my favorite films, and not because of the lesbian sex.  Black Swan is a rare example of dynamic character development in a film, and I marvel at the way that Natalie Portman handled the changes in her character, Nina Sayers.  I am eagerly looking forward to her upcoming project with Terrence Malik, and am always interested in seeing what causes and charities Miss Portman puts her star power behind.

Portman Suspects Obamacare Repeal Will Be GOP Senate's Priority

Wait, I think I've got the wrong Portman.


The Ray Rice situation is enveloping the sports world.  I'm not going to post a link to the constantly evolving Ray Rice situation due to the fact that the facts behind this case may change by the time that I finish typing this sentence.  At times like this you need a release.  You need a break.  And, since the NFL is seemingly unfit to provide such a release, I turn another violent professional sport: The UFC and their Fight Night event coming up this Saturday.

Thiago Silva allegedly held gun in wife's mouth, threatened to shoot up jiu-jitsu school

However, UFC honcho Dana White tells TMZ Sports ... "This guy will never fight in the UFC again."
Thiago Silva Is Back In The UFC (Article posted on the official UFC website)

I hate professional sports.

Minecraft TPM?

Microsoft Reportedly on Verge of Acquiring Minecraft

On Tuesday, when the story broke, a lot of people started opining about how interesting it is that the independent game that is Minecraft was being acquired by Microsoft.  You know what I find interesting about this story?  It was reported on my Talking Points Memo, which is a largely politics news website.

Life Is Satire

Richard A. "Dick" Butt Obituary

Sometimes you don't really need to change anything for life to amuse you.  Sometimes you just need to present it as it is.

For Science!

According to a report in the journal Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers & Prevention, and later reported on by the Los Angeles Times, wearing bras do not lead to breast cancer.  It was believed, prompted by a 1991 European Study, that by preventing the free movement of lymphatic fluids bras caused a buildup of waste and other toxic materials, which would otherwise be swept away through natural processes.  Such a buildup would results in higher instances of breast cancer among women who wear bras.  However, there was one major flaw in the study.  The researchers who conducted the study, Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, were unable to find a large group of women who had never worn a bra to compare the results seen among that group against the normal population.  This is due to the it being ubiquitous for women to wear bras.  After reading reports of this study, and the drawbacks to it, I have a suggestion for these researchers in order to further the cause of science.

As common as it is for women to wear bras, it is even more common for men to not wear bras.  This is due to societal norms and gender roles among men.  It is somewhat difficult to find, among the general population in most large or midsize metropolitan areas, a large population of men who wear bras on a regular basis.  What I propose is that researchers conduct an experiment where they have men wear a bra on a daily basis for the period of a year, and then compare the rates of breast cancer among that population to the rates of breast cancer among the general male population.  The rates will be lower, due to the lower instances of breast cancer among men as well as rarity that men get checked for breast cancer, but any uptick, and the underlying reasons for that uptick, may bring a better knowledge of the link between lymphatic fluids and breast cancer.

So scientists, for science, put bras on men.  For science.

Time For Direction, Bitches!

Sometimes a person need direction in life.  This direction can come from a symbol, a piece of literature, something that speaks to a great many people but that you find a personal message in.  Sometimes this message can come when you most need it.  Sometimes this message can be dismissed by others as a joke or a fraud or something not to be taken seriously.  Sometimes you don't care and grasp at something in order to life you up and give you something to do.

Details of Julia Allison's wedding to herself

Looks like it's time to find a wedding hall.

Pointless Advice

This morning I saw a notice in my morning paper, warning me about a new telephone scam that is going around.  Apparently scam artists are calling people saying that they are the IRS, telling people that they owe money in taxes, and fooling people into giving them money.  The article advises people to report unwanted calls of this nature to the FTC and to join the Do Not Call Registry.  There's just one problem with this advice.

I personally have been receiving robocalls from scam artists everyday at my home for several years now.  In fact, I got one of these calls as I was writing this.  These are calls from several different numbers, but all with similar M.O.s.  They call saying their with "Card Holder Services" or from a local alarm company or a medical alarm company or with a home repair company, they never directly give the name of the company, and make me an outstanding offer which has all the appearances of a scam.  These calls never stop.  They don't stop if I ignore them, they don't stop if I tell them not to call, they don't stop if I press whatever button they say is necessary to get them to stop, they don't stop if I swear loudly at the operator, they don't stop if I report them, they don't stop if I diligently and repeatedly report them, they don't stop they don't stop THEY DON'T STOP!

What am I supposed to do?  Nothing works.  These calls don't stop, even if I use the methods that the authorities tell me to utilize.  What am I, and I'm sure millions of others who get these calls every damn day, supposed to do to stop these calls and the people behind them?

Oh, if only.

Moral Dilemma

I'm struck with a moral dilemma over a satirical piece that I want to write.  I'm hesitating writing it because it might be in bad taste.  Normally being in bad taste isn't a deterrent to me, as someone who thinks that The Whitest Kids U'Know is the most goddamn funny sketch comedy group of the last twenty years, but the idea I have crosses a line that I'm not comfortable crossing.

As I have touched on before, Apple has specific language in it's iTunes End User Liscence Agreement forbidding it's users from using it's products for the purpose of terrorism.  It's buried deep in the agreement, just pull it up, press Ctrl+F, and search for "biological weapons".  Really, it's there.  According to reports, the terrorist group ISIS is using iPhones in the production of several of the recent videos that they have released.  These videos are clearly used for the purpose of terrorism, which would run in conflict with the iTunes EULA.  My idea was to say that Apple, using it's vast sum of riches and influence, was using it's power to take down ISIS in ways that the US and other government are unable to.

Here's the problem: In order to write this piece, I'd have to reference the recent videos showing the beheading of journalists Steven Sotloff and James Foley.  I could dance around those videos and not directly reference them, but inevitable someone reading the post would remember the media reports of those beheadings, and make the connection for themselves.  Given the nature of the videos, I do not want to have such a connection to my work be made.  So, I hesitate in writing the piece in question.  Is this what it's like to have a soul?  I haven't had one since I sold mine for money to buy some disappointing sponges.

Damn it!

High Five Your Ass

Over the Labor Day weekend, a number of websites participated in the leak of a number of illicitly obtained photographs.  These were pictures of a number of high profile female actresses and models, as well as the star pitcher for the Detroit Tigers Justin Verlander, pictured above.  Most of the people in the leaked photos expressed regret over the photos, how they were leaked, and what those photos depicted.  Most, but not all.

Over the weekend, the Tigers played a series of games in Cleveland against the Cleveland Indians.  Not much of a reaction to the photos was seen on Sunday, but Monday was considerably different.  By Monday a number of Verlander's teammates were giving the star pitcher high fives and complimenting him on his physique, most notably his "nice ass".  According to anonymous sources, Justin seemed to take the leak is stride, and even seemed to be joking about it himself.

This seems to be the M.O. when it comes to illicitly obtained photos.  When it comes to women, a lot of shame is expressed despite the women having done nothing wrong.  When it comes to men, the subjects don't seem to mind, and people don't seem to care unless those photos also depict women.  Then again, when's the last time you saw illicitly obtained photos of a man who is unabashedly attractive?

A Brief Summary Of This Weekend On The Internet

Death From Above 1979- The Physical World

Death From Above 1979- The Physical World

Available on September 8th.  Buy the physical copy here, or buy it on iTunes.  Buy it, put it in your earholes, and enjoy.