Capital Bush

I had heard of this kind of club before, a unique kind of club. A club where things went on that were strictly prohibited in other clubs. Even among the certain type of club that this establishment is, these acts are usually strictly prohibited. These are acts that fall under the definition of adult entertainment. Adult entertainment. Two words that when put together could mean all sorts of things, but when they are put together we know damn well what they mean. So, lets' stop bullshitting. I'm going to stop pussyfooting around and get directly to what I mean. I'm talking about a strip club. For the uninitiated, a strip club is a place where women, and occasionally men, have money given to them in order to have them tantalize their clientele with what they cannot have. The specific club of which I speak brings their clientele as close to what they cannot have as legally permissible. This is Capital Bush.

After some digging around, I found out where Capital Bush is located. Not being familiar with this particular strip club, I wanted to take more money than I usually take to places, including the bank. Having two hundred dollars in fives, tens, and ones is why I had a large bulge in my pants upon entering Capital Bush. It sure wasn't because I was walking into the only strip club in my area where the strippers can give lap dances. No sire.

I paid the cover and entered the club. I felt a bit lost as I looked over this establishment, but I usually feel that way when I'm at a location with other people in it. I walked up to the bar and ordered a beer.
"We don't serve alcohol."
That's right, in order for Capital Bush to serve their clientele in the manner they desired they couldn't serve alcohol. Instead, I ordered a Pepsi. What I got was a syrupy Pepsi in a plastic dining glass with cubed ice in it. I paid four dollars for a drink I could have easily made for myself at home for far, FAR, less money. I was mentally preparing myself for a disappointing experience.

I sat down at a table and saw a couple of dancers go to work. Michael wasn't much of a looker and his pole work left a lot to be desired. Christopher was a bit long in the tooth to for my taste. Jason may have been good but I was too distracted to pay any attention to him. Let's just say that Britney Spears doesn't quite agree with me.

"And now, coming up to the stage, Gary."
Gary was different. Gary was the kind of person that filled my dreams, so much so that I scarcely believed a person like Gary actually existed. Gary had just the right combination of short brown hair, long athletic legs, and ample chest to appeal to me in an innate sense. Gary made me stand up and take notice, in that sense of the word.

Gary started moving slowly around the stage, utilizing an elongated stride to accentuate his long legs. He took to the pole coyly at first, but once Gary started his polework he made that pole work. Felix Cane's got nothing on Gary. The inclusion of Ke$ha's TiK Tok only made the performance that much sweeter. The whole act had me absolutely spellbound, and Gary took notice. I was not the only one spellbound by his performance, there were several other men with large pockets bulges who's eyes were transfixed on Gary's ass. However, unlike the other men, I was the only one who did not manage to hoot and holler like a frat boy. After he was done redressing and collecting his well earned filthy lucre, Gary came over to talk to me.

"Hello big boy."
"Do you mean me?"
Gary laughed a little. "Of course I do sweetie. What's your name?"
I panicked for a moment as I tried to come up with a name. "River."
"River. That's an interesting name. So, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm in charge of bidding for a large road construction company."
"Hmmm. That's interesting." Clearly Gary was buttering me up, as I knew that my job was in no way interesting. "So, what brings you up here tonight?"
"I just wanted to relax for a bit."
"Has the corporate grind got you down?" Gary sort of rippled his body as he said the word grind, which brought back vivid memories of the polework I just saw.
"Ummm, yeah."
"Are you totally relaxed now?" As Gary ended this sentence, he ran his finger along his lips. Instantly the erotic implications of this move come to mind.
"Ummm, no."
"Well, River, I couldn't help but notice the way you were looking at me."
"It's hard not to look at you."
"It must have been so hard for you to be that far away from me." Gary put an emphasis on the word "hard" so that I knew exactly what he meant. Gary meant that watching him had given me an erection. "Perhaps I can help you fully relax."
"Exact how would you accomplish that?"

This is when Gary got down to business. "It's twenty dollars per song for a lapdance, eighty dollars for a longer dance where you can choose the music, and finally a hundred twenty dollars for a fully nude dance where you can touch me nearly anywhere you want."

I was surprised at this, as I thought such access would cost me more than that. Perhaps Gary thought the two hundred dollars I was carrying really was my penis. I agreed to pay for the one hundred twenty dollar package that would result in Gary grinding on my package. Gary got up, took me by the hand, and started leading me over to the area where what I was paying for would take place.

There were several men who were not happy about this development. Most of them weren't happy that I was the one getting attention from Gary, but one of them was very displeased that I had gotten the first shot at paying for more attention. This man got up and grabbed the manager of the club and started complaining.

"Excuse me, do you run this place?"
"Yes, can I help you?"
"I want you to tell me what makes that guy so special." The complaining man then pointed to me.
The manager continued, "I don't follow."
"Why does that man get access to Gary before I do? I have money, it's good money! What makes that guy's money better than mine!"
The manager attempted to calm down the complaining man. "Look sir-"
"Zachry. Skanska Zachry."
"Zachry, let me apologize. Perhaps we can make some sort of reparations for you before you make too much of a stink."

Gary continued to lead me toward the back area as the manager lead Zachry to a place where he could keep him quiet. The back area of Capital Bush is just about as impressive as the main area of Capital Bush. I guess the main allure of this room is the things that go on in it. This strategy isn't bad, but a little effort being put into ambience would be nice.

Before he started in on his routine, Gary uttered the sexiest phrase in the history of man. "I need to be paid in advance." I fished around in my pockets, and pulled out my massive bulge. Of money. "My, you came prepared."
"Well, I thought buying myself access would cost me more than what you're charging."
"I might have to give you extra benefits."

I gave Gary the one hundred twenty dollars and Gary started earning his keep. I didn't quite know what to do, as I was afraid I might put my hands on a part of Gary's body that would result in me getting thrown out of the club. Thankfully, Gary knew exactly what to do and exactly how to do it. As he was grinding himself against my package, pressing his ample bosom against my reddened cheeks, and delicately blowing into my ear, Gary said to me, "You know, we could make a regular thing of this. Over time, as you continue to make contributions to me, I could give you all the benefits in the world." Something is telling me I just might do that. Namely, the brain that is really controlling things.

Black Hand-Sized Plastic Cylinders

GameStop Sells Sex Toys?

Robin and Hunter are sitting in Robin's office. Robin is writing up a review of Miss March and Hunter is level grinding in Final Fantasy XIII. Robin's intern Eric rolls in on his wheelchair with several packages on his lap.

Eric- Miss Anderson, I have your mail.
Robin- Thank you Eric.
Eric- Do you have anything else for me to do?
Robin- I don't know. Hunter, what did you do with your intern?
Hunter- Spencer? I abused that little shit.
Robin- Yeah, but I can't abuse a guy in a wheelchair.
Eric- Why not? My girlfriend does it all the time.

There is a short pause.

Robin- Eric, go ask Liz how her kids are.
Hunter- Honey, there's a difference between abuse and torture.

Eric puts Robin's mail on her desk and rolls out of Robin's office. Robin looks over her mail and sees a cardboard box amongst her haul. Robin opens her package and pulls out the contents, two black plastic objects slightly longer than her hands.

Hunter- What is that?
Robin- I don't know.
Hunter- You know what that looks like?
Robin- A dilldo, but why would anyone send me a dilldo at work?
Hunter- Perhaps it's an early wedding present. We are registered at The Blue Boutique.
Robin- True.
Hunter- Why are we registered at an adult novelty boutique anyway?
Robin- I wanted to torture your more religious relatives by making them go into a sex shop.

The two laugh. Robin looks deeper into her package and finds some pieces of paper.

Robin- Oh, wait, this isn't a dilldo.
Hunter- What is it?
Robin- It's the PS3 Move. Someone sent me the PS3 Move to review.
Hunter- Okay. Did they send you a game?

Robin looks at her package again, picks it up, dumps it out, and says-

Robin- No.
Hunter- So how are you supposed to review a controller without games that require the controller to play?

Robin looks at Hunter amorously.

Robin- Is there a way to activate the Move's rumble feature outside of gameplay?


This Is A Real Thing

Hunter Red For Peter Corroon For Governor Of Utah

I Openly Insult States I've Never Been In

This week nine states came out on the side of the video game industry in the upcoming appeal of California's video game legislation, Assembly Bills 1792 & 1793. These states include Boringland, Ultraboringland, Irrelevant Country, Raingrunge, The Political Sex Capital of North America, and Mormonville.


I don't know how to react to this clip, other than to say John Hamm is the sexiest man alive.

Madonna References

Strike A Pose

On Tuesday, a story broke that the committee that gives out the Heisman Trophy was thinking about stripping Reggie Bush of the trophy he won in 2005. On the day that this announcement was made, some asked why the same committee had not taken similar actions against O.J. Simpson. There is a very obvious answer to this question.

The reason why Reggie Bush might have his Heisman Trophy taken away was for actions he did in December 2004, when he was in college. These actions resulted in Bush being deemed ineligible for that year, and thus ineligible for the games where he did the things that earned him the Heisman Trophy.

The reason why O.J. Simpson is being talked about having his Heisman Trophy taken away was for the murders he was accused of in 1994. O.J. Simpson won the Heisman Trophy in 1968, years before the murders he was accused of. Even if he was to be found guilty of the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Mark Goldman, his college eligibility would not be in question, as HE HAD ALREADY GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE! So, the Heisman Trophy committee would have no grounds to strip O.J. Simpson of the Heisman Trophy he won.

Now, can we talk about who is going to receive the national championship USC forfeited?

Coffee Talk with Liz Rosenberg

Hunter Red is sitting in his office. He's looking at his computer and is reading a story that is very distressful to him. Hunter gets up from his office chair and walks out to the reception area, where the receptionist of The Redertainment Corporation Of America, Liz Fey, is sitting. Hunter doesn't look at Liz as he begins to speak to her.


Liz is puzzled by this.

"Yes Hunter."

Hunter still does not look at her.

"I read a story today about something that was shown at Penny Arcade Expo. A upcoming Gearbox title named Duke Nukem Forever."

Liz is aware of this story.

"Yes, I read it as well. Don't you find it odd that that game would surface out of the blue like this?"

Hunter turns to look at Liz.

"Liz, I know about your past, for I have experienced it. I know you like to pull little pranks and jokes, many times at the expense of others."

Liz knows that Hunter knows this.


Hunter looks at Liz sternly.

"I don't like these jokes, especially when you attempt to pull them at the expense of me."

Liz has no idea what Hunter is talking about.

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

Hunter doesn't believe Liz.

"Liz, you need to come clean about this joke. The joke may be funnier the longer it goes on, but taunting people with what they fervently expect always ends in hurt feelings."

Hunter looks away from Liz and goes back into his office and Liz goes back to what she was doing before. The last thing Hunter says before he sits back down in his office chair is,

"I will give you credit Liz. You pulled off this joke masterfully."


Aversion To Poetry

Red Dead Redemption Review: Red Dead Aversion

Longtime readers of this blog know that I suffer from cynophobia, the psychological term for fear of dogs. I was diagnosed with this condition in February 2007, shortly after being hired as a full-time employee and getting health insurance. I won't be specific as to which doctor diagnosed me with this condition, as he is particularly willing to sue anyone who he thinks defamed him. So, I'll call him Dr. Nick.

Dr. Nick proposed that I approach resolving my cynophobia by going through aversion therapy, a process where you face your fear head on. The first thing he proposed I do is go to an animal shelter and work with dogs. There's an animal shelter not far from my home, so finding a suitable facility was not an issue. When I got to this facility, I was hesitant to follow through with what Dr. Nick has prescribed for me, but I trusted that he knew what he was doing.

I went into this facility and met a woman named Michelle. Michelle knew why I was there and started showing me around the facility. I passed through the halls of this facility, lined with many cages containing many dogs, most of whom were barking. I tried to quell my quickly rising fears, telling myself that I was safe because all of these dogs were secure and generally well mannered. This did me no good. Roughly fifteen minutes after entering the animal shelter, I ran out of the facility, sweating, shivering, and on the verge of vomiting.

I got on the phone with Dr. Nick while I was in my car outside the animal shelter. Dr. Nick tried to convince me to go back in the animal shelter and do the work he had prescribed for me to do. I wanted no part of it, and told him as such while swearing at him. A lot. I haven't sworn that much since I first learned how to swear.

This incident did not in any way help me with my cynophobia. If anything, it exasperated my condition. Now I start to wig out anytime I hear even the faintest bark from a dog. Whether the source of the barking is a dog nearby me, a dog on television, or a dog that is mixed into a song I'm listening to, I start to panic. This makes listening to DMX very difficult. Well, more so than it is anyway.

This also makes playing Red Dead Redemption somewhat difficult. Whenever I hear a coyote or wolf bay in this game, I put the spurs to my horse and get out of the general area. This even affects the way I react to cougars in the game, even though I know cougars are not dogs and are a completely independent life form.

Red Dead Redemption is a good game, borderline great. I just wish I could do away with the coyotes and wolves in this game. Maybe I can systematically eliminate these creatures the way the Pioneers eliminated the Bison. You know, by murdering the fuck out of them!

Red Dead Redemption: B+


On Wednesday, Sony announced the Qriocity Music Service. This cloud based music service is set to be compatible with Sony Bravia TVs, Playstation 3s, Blu-Ray Players, and Sony laptop computers. "Via Qriocity, Sony will deliver a variety of digital entertainment content and services... including video, music, game applications and e-books over time," said Fujio Nishida, president of Sony Europe.

Do you know why iTunes is popular? Because it's a great program to use? No. Because music is available on iTunes that is not available anywhere else? Yes, but that's because iTunes is popular so people put stuff on there that is rare in the hopes of getting more exposure on a popular thing. Because of the millions of Apple drones out there? No, because iTunes is popular on PCs. Why is iTunes popular? Because the iPod is popular. If the iPod wasn't the phenomenal success it is, iTunes would simply be a music program with a snazzy interface that Mac users use and PC users wonder why Mac users are so endeared with it.

While there are still Sony Walkmans still on the market, but there are no current plans to roll out a Walkman that is optimized for this service. That is a mistake. in my opinion. Sure the Sony Connect service was not successful, but not putting such a service into a device that has to compete with iPods makes Sony's devices look like lesser devices, whether they are or aren't.

Providing such a service for laptops make sense. Other laptop manufacturers put proprietary software on their laptops, and Sony putting Sony software on Sony hardware is no different. Putting this service in TVs makes no sense to me. If I want to pipe music out of my TV I can plug my iPod into my Xbox 360 and stream most of the music I own. Even if I don't own an Xbox, I can put CDs into my DVD player, Blu-Ray player, or other device that plays CDs that is hooked into my TV. Or I can play music out of my stereo which is hooked up to my TV and is how I hear my TV.

As far as playing music through my Blu-Ray player, why? My Blu-Ray player is hooked into my TV which is hooked into my stereo system. I can put CDs into my stereo and can get a better audio experience from that stereo. Why should I play music on my Blu-ray player?

Putting such a service on PS3 might make sense. Might. Microsoft has the Zune, which can be plugged right into Xbox 360s for use in streaming music during games. If Qriocity can be used to stream music during games without having to buy a device to do so, that might set PS3 apart from Xbox 360. Doing such might piss off the people who make music for games, but how much do you hear them bitch about the fact that Xbox 360 can stream music during games? The problem with this comes with Sony's PS3 online architecture. I've said this many times before and I'll say it again, PSN sucks. I've always had a problem with getting connected and staying connected to PSN. If I'm trying to steam music from an online cloud based music source and I'm having problem connecting and staying connected to the service, I'm going to have another thing to bitch about in relation to PSN.

Qriocity can be a good service if it is implemented properly. From what I've seen thus far, Sony has no intention to do so. If Sony wants Qriocity to flourish in the way that iTunes has they need to release a Sony Qriocity Walkman. Doing so will put this service in the hands of all the people who want a digital music solution put do not want to buy an iPod or a Zune. Once this service is familiar with the public, then introduce the service to other Sony products so that people who own Qriocity Walkmans, or have heard great things about this service, would be more inclined to buy more Sony products. Why am I the one that has to tell Sony this, and not someone with a business degree?

Street Sweeper Social Club- Scars

Black Robin
By Hunter Red

I don’t know why
They keep on forever tormenting me.
I don’t know why
They cannot treat me civilly.
Why can’t they just let me be?
Why can I not just be me?

They’ve never tried
To accept me.
No matter how
I alter me.
If they do not want me
Then I do not want them.

The time gets closer
Every day.
The clock slowly
Ticks away.
One day soon the day will come
When I’ll be rid of everyone.