Burt Reynolds < R.Kelley

Recently Codemasters released You're In The Movies, a collection of movie inspired mini-games that utilize the Xbox Live Vision camera. To help promote this game, Codemasters got Burt Reynolds, star of Delgo and In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, to do ads for the game. Unfortunately the game was met with negative reviews and lackluster sales. Nevertheless, Codemasters has decided to go forward with a game that further integrates celebrities and the movies they are famous for starring in. Today Codemasters announced R. Kelley Presents- Urine The Movies.

Based on the recently adjudicated criminal trial, you play as R&B singer R. Kelley. You go across the country performing concerts, recording songs, giving interviews, and urinating on as many people as possible. You get points for ticket and album sales, press coverage, total fan base, and volume of liquid expelled. You can even record videos that you sell in the game. These videos include concert DVD's, music videos, and underground bootleg porn.

When reached for comment about this story, R. Kelley released the following statement: "I feel so blessed to be able to use my god given talents to entertain and defile millions of my fans. I thank the lord everyday for the abilities I exhibit both publicly and privately that enriches the lives of so many people. I can only hope that God will keep the golden goodness that is his love flowing for all to enjoy."

R. Kelley Presents- Urine The Movies is slated for an October 2009 release. This is expected to coincide with the complete 20 DVD box set release of all the videos for R. Kelley's "Trapped In The Closet"

Tomb Raider: Underworld Review

Shopping Complex-Day- The camera sees a busy parking lot. A car pulls in and parks. A young man, hereafter referred to as “Man”, steps out of the car and walks into a store named “DTM Games”. Man walks around the store, looking at the many video games on the walls. Man then stops and looks at one game in particular. Man picks up the game and stares at it intently. The camera swings around to see Man is looking at a copy of Tomb Raider: Underworld. A crazed look comes over Man. He holds the game high in the air and yells-

Man (In a tone similar to Animal from the Muppets, a tone he maintains until directed otherwise)- Woman! Woman! Woman!

Man quickly makes his way to the checkout, holding the game aloft the whole time. When Man gets to the checkout, a sales clerk, hereafter referred to as “Sales Clerk”, starts to talk to him.

Sales Clerk- Hello sir, how can I help you?

Man hands the game to Sales Clerk and says-

Man- Woman!

Sales Clerk takes the game, and starts to ring it up.

Sales Clerk- Can I interest you in any pre-orders?
Man- Woman!
Sales Clerk- I’ll take that as a no. It’ll be $64.11.

Man fishes his wallet out and gives Sales Clerk his credit card.

Sales Clerk- Debit or credit?
Man- Woman!

Sales Clerk finishes ringing up the game.

Sales Clerk- Do you want a bag?
Man- Woman!

Sales Clerk extends the game to Man.

Sales Clerk- Here you are sir, have a nice day.
Man- Woman!

Man snatches the game from Sales Clerk and sprints out of the store, holding the game aloft and continually yelling “Woman!” Man continues to run and yell as he makes his way home. Man runs up the stairs, through his front door and closes it behind him. The moment the door closes it opens again and Man steps out, still holding the game aloft and yelling. Man goes back over the path he just took, gets in his car and drives back home, holding the game out of the window and yelling “Woman!” Man gets out of his car and again enters his home. An analog clock then appears on screen and goes forward twenty hours. After that the scene goes back to the house. Man emerges from his house. Man is visibly depressed and is holding the game down in one hand. Man sulks as he walks down the stairs and over to his outside garbage. Man opens his garbage, drops the game inside, and says-

Man (In a depressed tone)- Woman.

Man closes the garbage and continues to sulk as he makes his way to his mailbox. Man fishes his mail out and starts to look at it. Man then stops at one mailpiece in particular. Man drops the rest of his mail and stares intently at this one piece of mail. The camera swings around to reveal the Man is looking at a Victoria’s Secret catalog. A crazed look comes over Man. He holds the catalog aloft and screams-

Man (In the crazed tone used before)- Woman!

Man sprints away from his mailbox and into his house.

Tomb Raider: Underworld- D

Red Rant: Beware Of The Eagle Forum

On Saturday, an article posted on GamePolitics revealed that Jack Thompson is set to make a speech at the annual Utah Eagle Forum Convention on Saturday, January 17th. It also revealed that Mr. Thompson was working with the Utah Eagle Forum on video game legislation for the upcoming session of the Utah Legislature. What they are trying to do is revive a piece of legislation that was ultimately discarded after many people raised objections over it. Most prominent was Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff, who said the law was unconstitutional. This is a bad omen. Not because Jack Thompson is involved, because the Eagle Forum is involved.

The Utah Eagle Forum is a hard line conservative lobbying group in Utah. They blatantly back legislation and politicians that are racist, sexist, homophobic, and other kinds of hateful and catch no public flack for it. The Eagle Forum is very powerful. When they put their minds toward something, it gets done. Whether it's protecting a politician, getting a piece of legislation through, or killing a piece of legislation or a politician's career. The Eagle Forum gets shit done.

I'm not saying the two issues are the same, but I'm going to draw parallels between the gay marriage issue and the legislation of video games issue. In 2004, Utah Amendment 3 was proposed. When this law was put to a public vote, it was backed by, most notably, the LDS Church, in much the same way they backed California's Proposition 8. One of the early backers of this legislation was the Eagle Forum. Despite objections from many minority groups, and Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff, this amendment made it through committee, was passed by the legislature, and ultimately passed by the people of Utah with a 66% majority. The Eagle Forum got shit done.

As I said earlier, this is a bad omen. The Eagle Forum is a wide reaching and powerful group that can enact legislation that is only meant to further their agenda at the expense of those who object to them. I am afraid that their involvment will ultimately mean that video game legislation will ultimately pass into law, no matter how unconstitutional it is. I fear for us all.

Oblivion Review

Everyone of a certain age experiences something magical. They're sitting there, just going along in their life, then it hits them. Or rather, someone hits them. Their first crush. A person's first crush can be a fleeting thing or it can affect their romantic relationship for the rest of their life. My first crush was with a girl named Delany.

Delany remains the archetype for the kind of woman I pursue today. Delany was smart, my intellectual superior. Delany was beautiful, classically beautiful but not overtly sexy. Finally, Delany was kind, after all, she actually spoke to me.

For years I pined over Delany. Admiring her from afar, occasionally getting close, but never actually making my feelings known to her. Eventually, as many things go, we went our separate ways. In the years since, I thought that I had fully purged myself of feelings for Bethany and moved on to women I could actually approach romantically. Recently all of that was proven false.

Not too long ago, I joined Facebook. One of the first things I did was look for people I might know on Facebook. Among the first people that popped up was Delany. Again, I was awash in feelings for this woman. Along with these old feeling was a new internalized hatred over not pulling the trigger and not getting to know Delany romantically. I was thoroughly and utterly depressed.

This depression caused an alteration in my everyday routine. My life became a pathetic pattern. Work, home, TiVo, video games, sleep. Among the many video games I own is The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. In my mind, I began to draw parallels between my relationship with Oblivion and my relationship with Delany. I had long wanted to play this game. I was aware of the great aspects of this game, and thought I might thoroughly enjoy it. Unlike my relationship with Delany, I pulled the trigger and experienced an enjoying life with Oblivion. This experience caused my spirits to rise, and my depression to fade away.

There is another way my relationship with Oblivion is different from my relationship with Delany. The further I delve into Oblivion, the more I enjoy it. The same can't be said of Delany. On her Facebook profile, Delany prominently displays her support for California's Proposition 8, something that I greatly oppose. When I read this I thought to myself, "Maybe it's a good thing I didn't pursue this woman."

Oblivion: A-

Top Five Blogs Of The Year

Many people have taken it upon themselves to list their top blogs of the past year. I refuse to do that. Rather than refusing to go forward and dwelling in the past, I am looking forward and moving ahead. So here now are my top five blogs of 2009.

#5. Square Enix announces a delay for Final Fantasy XIII in America. Alex Huhtala, Public Relations Manager for Square Enix, announced today a delay in the release of the hotly anticipated Final Fantasy XIII in America until June 2011. In a statement, the reason given for the delay is, "English is really hard to do..."

#4. Sim Ant XBLA review: It's mad buggy

#3. For a long time, gamers have been wondering where my Xbox 360 goes when it suffers the Red Rings Of Death. As it turns out, the RROD'd 360s get sent to a small facility on Ontario run by a man known as Z. Upon further investigation, it turns out this facility is run by ZapAttack! host Zapy. So, at it turns out, Zappy fixed my 360.

#2. Gran Turismo 5 Review: Ah-Ah-Ah-AHMAZING

#1. Rockstar North has announced a new game that is sure to spark controversy. This is not because of the language, actions, or anything else the protagonist does, but rather who the protagonist is. Set for release in June of 2010 is Che Guevara: Viva la Revolucion!

Here's to a happy new year and a hopeful return of AGI.