****- Glenn Beck Stole Muhammad's iPad!!!

Playing With My New iPad

Writing up my blog post should be interesting given the fact that I'm so used to typing things up on a regular keyboard. It's not that I don't like the touch keyboard on the iPad, hell, I like the keyboard on the iPod Touch. I just wish I could type by way of feeling the keyboard, like I do at work. I don't think I've taken my eyes off the keyboard once while I am typing out this thought. At least the speaker on the iPad is really nice. Listening to Amanda Palmer's Ampersand makes me feel oddly at ease while typing out my thoughts.

The Red Interview: Beck

Hunter Red is sitting alone on a dimly lit raised platform with two chairs on it with an iPad in his hand. An overblown light display is triggered ending with the spotlight being shown on Hunter Red.
Hunter- Good evening and welcome to The Red Interview. I am your host Hunter Red. Without much further ado, let's bring out my guest. Tonight my guest is Beck.

A spotlight is shown on the right side of the stage, and Glenn Beck enters it and walks out to the raised platform and fills the other chair on the stage. Hunter Red has a disgusted look on his face as Glenn Beck makes his entrance.
Glenn Beck- Hello Hunter. Thanks for having me here tonight.
Hunter Red still has a disgusted look on his face.
Hunter- Yeah, I'll be back.
Hunter Red gets out of his chair and walks off stage carrying his iPad. The camera follows him backstage as he walks up to and begins to talk to the show's producer.
Hunter- Chris?
Chris- Yes?
H- What the hell is he doing here?
C- What?
H- Glenn Beck is my guest tonight?
C- Yes, yes he is. Do you have a problem with that?
H- Yes!
C- Why, because he's a conservative and you're a bleeding heart liberal?
H- No.
C- Then what is it?
H- I asked you to book Beck.
C- Yes, and I did that for you.
H- I didn't mean Glenn Beck.
C- Yes you did.
H- No I didn't!
C- You told me, at the start of the new season, I want you to book me Beck. You said that you loved his work and have always wanted to get inside his pants.
H- I said I wanted to get inside his head.
C- Whatever.
H- And by "he" I didn't mean him!
C- I don't follow.
H- I didn't want you to book Glenn Beck as a guest on The Red Interview, I wanted you to book Beck.
H- Not that Beck, the musician Beck.
C- I don't follow.
Hunter turns on his iPad, finds the embedded video below, and plays it for Chris.

Hunter- This is the Beck I wanted you to book. The musician Beck Hansen.
Chris- I'm unfamiliar with this kind of music? Is this the music you listen to when you're high?
Hunter gets visibly frustrated.
Hunter- Jeff Beck would have been a more fitting choice than Glenn Beck.
Chris- Who?
Hunter turns off his iPad, rears back, and hits Chris with his iPad. The camera follows Hunter as he walks back to the raised platform and sits back in his chair.
Hunter- Well, I'm sorry Mr. Beck, I'm sorry to have wasted your time here today.
Glenn- What do you mean?
H- I didn't want to book you as a guest, I wanted to book the musician Beck as a guest.
G- Jeff Beck? That guy's music is great. I'm looking forward to seeing him on tour with Eric Clapton soon.
H- Yeah, so am I. Wanna play with my iPad?
G- Sure.
Hunter Red hands Glenn Beck his iPad.
Hunter- Well, that's all the time we have for The Red Interview for tonight. I am Hunter Red telling my producer Chris that his ass is fired.
The overblown light display is triggered. As the overblown light display turn the raised platform from a lighted one to a dimly light one, Glenn Beck is seen darting off the platform with Hunter's iPad in his hand. Hunter runs after Glenn as the scene ends.


Playing With My iPad's Keyboard

So I bought a keyboard for my iPad and am liking this setup much better than using the touch keyboard. I could see myself quickly typing something, like a blog post, up by quickly turning on my iPad, hooking up the keyboard, and typing away. I don't like how I have to take my iPad out of the case I bought when I bought my new toy to use this keyboard, but that can be addressed by buying another, and probably, better case. Yes, I'm spending money like it's falling from the sky, which is apropos because it's raining right now.

John Mayer In Concert

This summer, a modern day guitar marvel is coming to a town near you. This summer, a sultry ladies man is coming to a town near you. This summer John Mayer is coming to a town near you. John Mayer in concert.

John Mayer's 2010 Summer Tour is brought to you by Touche brand douche products. When you want the best douche in the world, think only of Touche.

Pages on iPad

I bought this app on iTunes that I fooled around with in the Apple Store. It's called Pages and it's supposed to be like a real word processor. It works pretty good. I mean it's no Word but it's something. At the very least I can actually see how long my blog post will be now.

I just found out I can add pictures and graphs easily to this document. Now I can share my porn and how much I spend on porn with you! YAY!!!

Consistent Inconsistency

Like many of you, I was offended by Comedy Central's action's regarding South Park's Episode 201. My offense is not driven by me thinking the Muslim prophet Muhammad is worthy of ridicule, my offense is driven by the inconsistent actions of Comedy Central.

If South Park is not allowed to show Muhammad in a less than positive light, why are they allowed to show a Hindu god doing cocaine?

If South Park is not allowed to do things that offend followers of a religion on a basic level, why was South Park allowed to criticize the translation of The Book of Mormon?

If South Park is not allowed to depict situations despite threats from religions of repercussions from depicting those things, why was South Park allowed to depict Stan Marsh as the leader of the Church Of Scientology?

If Comedy Central allows South Park to depict other religions in ways that those religions might find offensive, why draw the line at the Muslim faith? And don't just say it's because they are afraid that Muslims will blow up Comedy Central and South Park Studios. That is petty, stupid, and quite racist. I learned that lesson when I sounded off about Media Molecule altering Little Big Planet just before it was released.

****- The Cult Of Tony Hawk Versus Phaetons

Red Has Found Religion… Again

In the past, I have asserted my atheistic beliefs when many different arguments arose. These include the existence of ghosts, the source of luck, and the sexual orientation of mountain goats. However, as of April 14th, I can assert my atheistic beliefs no longer. This is because I no longer hold those beliefs. I have discovered a new faith, one which I wholeheartedly believe in. What is this faith? I’ll deal with that question later, but first the reason for my epiphany.

The Church of Scientology teaches us that the source of all religious belief is Phaetons. Phaetons are enemies of the merciless dictator Xenu who were frozen, dropped into volcanoes on Earth, and exploded into minute particles that infect the minds of the humans on Earth. Not all Phaetons were released in the initial explosions. In fact, Phaetons are released every time a volcano erupts, allowing more Phaetons to infect the minds of humans, new religious beliefs emerge. This explains the emergence of The Church Of Latter Day Saints, Lutherans, Protestantism, and The Cult Of Palin.

On April 14th, Mt. Eyjafjallajökull began erupting, releasing huge plumes of volcano ash over the continent of Europe and a small amount of Phaetons worldwide. This resulted in many persons who previously uninfected to become infected with Phaetons. One of them is me. I have accepted a new religion into my life, the Davidcan faith. What is Davidcanism? Glad you asked.

This is David Vaughn Wolf. David is God’s chosen emissary on Earth. David is the one true prophet and he loves us all and aspired to be with us all. David has bestowed upon me the honor of telling the world of his glory, and I am more than willing to do so.

David has bestowed upon me many gifts, and not just the gift of his seed. It was David who said unto me, “Go get me a beer, ginger.” Verily I did get David that beer, and that beer was good, so the great prophet David said unto me. David had done many great things in this world. David is the one who cured cancer. David is the one who discovered Delaware. David is the one who created the Swiffer. Finally, David is the one who has won the World Wrestling Entertainment Title an unprecedented twenty-five times.

David Vaughn Wolf’s glory and majesty is unquestionable, and yet people persist is questioning the unquestionable. Such questioning of the unquestionable glory and majesty of the one unquestionable true prophet David Vaughn Wolf ceases upon meeting the one unquestionable true prophet, like I have unquestionable have. Soon a mechanism will be established for you to question the one unquestionable true prophet, just as soon as we pay the guy who’s making our website.

Soon all people will be able to bathe in the glory that is David Vaughn Wolf just as I have, and also bathe in his seed. For it is not until David truly becomes a part of your very being that you truly feels what it’s like to be whole, to be fulfilled, and to have wholly fulfillment.

David be with you.

Red Joins Another Cult

So I bought an iPad on Thursday. I'm going to try out type out my blog for next week on my iPad and see if it'll work well. Who knows, I might start working Project Carole on my new toy. That or watch the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy on it.


This week some massive banking revenue amounts were revealed. Goldman Sachs was revealed to have made $3.46 Billion in just the first quarter of 2010 alone. Wells Fargo was revealed to have made $2.5 Billion in the first quarter of 2010. There has been much knashing, wailing, bitching, and moaning about this news. One person said of this story, "They made that much money? How can we get a piece of that action?". That person was the President of Activision, Bobby Kotick.

In the wake of the news involving Goldman Sachs and Wells Fargo, The Great Empire Of Activision has been positioning itself to enter the banking industry. The legality of such a move is in question, but The Great Empire Of Activision is an American corporation, and laws are an irrelevant concept to American corporations. In a secret memo unearthed by the people at Unearthingsecretmemos.com, Bobby Kotick is quoted as saying, "The massive revenues of Goldman Sachs and Wells Fargo are an affront to The Great Empire Of Activision. Such an affront must be stopped and The Great Empire Of Activisionis the only entity in a position to do so in an expedient fashion. The Great Empire Of Activision will crush Goldman Sachs and Wells Fargo with great vengeance and furious anger! Quote the Koteck, nevermore!"

The Great and All Powerful Bank of The Great Empire Of Activision is expected to be formally established in the first quarter of 2012, in time with the release of Starcraft 2. This bank is expected to offer direct deposit, check cards with your WoW character on them,the ability to buy Guitar Hero tracks with money from your checking account, and home forecloseures performed by Tony Hawk.

****- Catholic Hotdogs

Rehashing An Old Stand-Up Routine

Microsoft is one of the largest companies in the world and has brought to the public many useful and successful products. However, there is one product that Microsoft brought to the market that did what no other Microsoft product has done before or since: completely fail. Starting this summer, Microsoft will re-launch this product by giving the customer exactly what they want. Ladies and gentlemen, Microsoft hotdogs.

Hotdogs are a staple of many American gatherings. From baseball games, to backyard barbeques, to family reunions, hotdogs are there, and now Microsoft will be there as well. Microsoft’s dedication to customer service shows in the way we have approached the re-launch of our hotdog line. Now, let me ask you, what is the one consistent complaint about hotdogs? Our market research tells us that the most consistent complaint is this:

Why do hotdogs come in packs of ten when hotdog buns come in packs of eight? Why? This situation makes no sense to the typical consumer, and it doesn’t make sense to the people at Microsoft. But who is going to take the bold step of remedying this situation? We will.

On April 19th, Microsoft will roll out our fresh new approach to hotdogs. We won’t be changing what the hotdog is. We will be changing how the hotdog is delivered to the consumer. We will be rolling out a change to the packaging our hotdogs come in. On April 19th, our hotdogs will be coming eight to a pack.

No more will customers have to buy five packages of buns and four packages of hotdogs to ensure they don’t buy more of either product. On April 19th customers will be able to buy one for one.

The way that Microsoft is approaching our hotdog line in not ground breaking, pioneering, or controversial. Microsoft is merely doing what we have always strives to do. Give the customer what they want. Thank you.

Dealing With The Vatican City Police Department

How to deal with a parking ticket.

The Good Way
A cop is busy writing up a ticket for a parking violation when the owner of the car shows up.
Car Owner- Oh man.
Police Officer- Is this your car sir?
C- Yes, yes it is officer.
P- Are you aware that the meter has run out for this car sir?
C- Yes. I was longer in there than I thought I was going to be. I thought I’d be able to catch it before it expired, but I didn’t.
P- Well, I’m writing you a ticket for illegal parking.
C- Yes, of course you are.
The officer finishes writing up the ticket and hands it to the car owner.
P- There you are sir.
C- Thank you officer.
P- Have a nice day sir.
C- You too.
The officer drives off as the car owner starts to put more money in to the meter.


The Bad Way
A cop is busy writing up a ticket for a parking violation when the owner of the car shows up.
Car Owner- Fuck!
Police Officer- Is this your car sir?
C- You damn right you fucking pig. What the fuck are you doing?
P- Are you aware that the meter for this car has run out?
C- Bullshit the fucking meter ran out! You’re writing me a bullshit ticket because of some fucking quota you have, you fat fucking pig.
P- No quotas exist sir.
C- Bullshit. Are you jealous of my expensive car? That’s it, isn’t it?
Car owner shoves police officer.
C- Isn’t it?
The police officer pulls out a canister of mace, points it at the car owner, and says-
P- Sir, if you don’t step back this instant, I will be forced to deploy this mace on you.
C- Come on? You don’t have the fucking balls to-
The police officer deploys the mace, hitting the car owner in the face. The car owner reacts to the mace by stumbling backward, tripping over his feet, falling to the ground, and saying-
C- Fuck! Ow, god damn, fuck! It’s in my eyes! You fucking bitch, it’s in my eyes! Fuck!
The police officer finishes writing up the ticket, placed the ticket on the car windshield, approached the car owner, and says-
P- Sir, if you don’t calm yourself down, I’ll be forced to arrest you for disorderly conduct. Do you understand sir?
The car owner stammers to his feet, spits on the officer’s shoes, and says-
C- Fuck you! Fuck! You!
The police officer attempts to arrest the car owner but he resists. The police officer calls in backup and deploys a taser to subdue the car owner. The car owner is eventually put into a police car and is hauled off to jail while his car is towed to the impound lot.


****- I Wish I Knew This When I Was 15

I Wish I Knew This When I Was 15

Hunter Red and Robin Anderson are in Hunter’s office playing New Super Mario Bros. Wii and having a fun time while doing so.
Robin- Hey slowpoke, catch up and get this mushroom.
Hunter- I can’t get the mushroom if you keep taking them all.
R- Perhaps I should just jump on you and cause you to die again.
The two begin to laugh in enjoyment as the level ends.
R- By the way, where is Liz? I haven’t seen her bright face or tasted her good coffee today.
H- She asked for the week off for Easter.
R- Easter was on Sunday.
H- Liz has been working for me for eight years and in that time has taken fourteen days off. She’s due. Besides, it’s not like there’s anyone beating down my door to come see me.
At that moment a young girl barges into Hunter’s office, and closes the door, facing it. She’s wearing what appears to be a Catholic school girl uniform. Hunter doesn’t recognize who the girl is, Robin does.
Robin- Phoebe?
The young girl runs over to Robin, who embraces her as she cries into her chest.
Robin- Hunter, this is my cousin Phoebe. Phoebe, this is my boyfriend Hunter.
Hunter- Hi.
R- Hunter, go get Phoebe something to drink. There should be some Fantas in the fridge in my office.
H- Okay.
Hunter leaves his office and closes the door behind him.
Robin- Okay, Phoebe, sit down in the chair here.
Robin points Phoebe toward Hunter’s desk chair. Phoebe sits down in the chair and begins to wipe the tears from her eyes. Robin sits on one of the file cabinets and says-
Robin- Now Phoebe, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be at school?
Phoebe tries to compose herself as Robin patiently waits.
Phoebe- I- I- I just-
Phoebe begins to cry again. Robin kneels down in front of Phoebe and says-
Robin- Phoebe, it’s all right. You can trust me. Take your time and tell me, what is wrong?
Phoebe begins to compose herself again. She takes a deep breath, and says-
Phoebe- I just can’t stand it anymore. I just can’t. The lies, the name calling,
Phoebe points to a tear on her skirt.
Phoebe- they tear my clothes, all of it. It doesn’t stop. Every day this happens. Every single day. No matter what I do or don’t do, they never fucking stop.
Robin- Do your parents know about this?
P- Yes, but they don’t have any good ideas about stopping this.
R- What about teachers, councilors, the administration, they could be of some help.
P- I already tried that. I went to my class councilor, told him what was going on, he told me everything would be all right and to take a lollipop before I left. It didn’t stop, if anything it got worse. I went back to the councilor, this time in tears. His response was the same, everything will be all right, take a lollipop before you leave. That’s when I told my parents. Like I said, they didn’t have any good ideas, besides going back to that councilor. My mom went into his office and pleaded for him to do something, anything. His response, everything will be fine, take a lollipop on your way out.
R- He didn’t do anything? Even with your mom begging him to?
P- No. Not a thing. So my mom went over his head. She went across the hall to the main office and met with the Vice Principal.
R- Why not the Principal?
P- I don’t know. My mom went into the Vice Principal’s office and demanded that he do something about my bullying.
R- What did he say?
P- The whole thing will sort itself out, everything will be fine.
R- He actually said that?
Phoebe begins to tear up.
Phoebe- Yes.
Robin- Bastards. What kind of unapologetic douchebags would do something like that?
Hunter opens the door to his office. He’s been listening to Phoebe’s plight the whole time.
Hunter- The same kind of morons who ran things when I was in school.
Hunter enters his office and puts two bottles of Fanta on his desk.
Hunter- Phoebe, I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to answer me truthfully. What do you think of yourself?
Phoebe thinks for a second.
Phoebe- I don’t know.
Hunter- Yes, you do. What do you think of yourself?
Phoebe thinks for a second.
Phoebe- Not good.
Hunter- Why?
P- No one likes me. None of the kids at school, none of the administration, no one.
H- No Phoebe. That is what others think of you. You can’t base what you think of you based on what others think of you, especially not those people.
P- Why not?
H- Because they’ve prejudged you. They got this initial impression of you as an unworthy troll and are insistent that you stay in that role. No matter what you do, what lengths you go to, they will always think of you in that way. You aren’t the problem in this situation, they are. Now, Phoebe, what do you think of you?
Phoebe thinks for a second.
Phoebe- I think I’m a good person. No, a great person, and I don’t know why they don’t see that.
Hunter- Good. That’s good. You need to remember that it’s what you think of yourself that truly matters. If you think you’re a good person, you are a good person, and if people disagree, fuck them.
Phoebe’s face begins to become more optimistic. She stands up from Hunter’s chair and says-
Phoebe- Yeah, you’re right. Thanks Robin.
Phoebe gives Robin a quick peck. Then she makes her way to the door.
Phoebe- Thanks Hunter.
Phoebe gives Hunter a quick peck, grabs one of the Fantas off Hunter’s desk, then leaves. Robin sets down in Hunter’s chair and says-
Robin- You know, that’s some wisdom you just dropped right there.
Hunter- Yeah. It took me a long time to figure that out. I wish someone had told me that when I was in school.
Robin- True. You want a Fanta, there should be another in my fridge.
Hunter- No there’s not.
Hunter gets a sly look on his face.
Robin- You drank my Fanta, didn’t you?
H- Yes.
R- Well, for that, I’m going to jump on your characters head.
Hunter holds up his fingers and says-
Hunter- Well I’m crushing your head, flathead!
The two laugh as the scene ends.


****- Off Sticks

Dilldo Sticks In Use

Recently it was announced that Playstation Move support will be added to the recent Playstation 3 release Heavy Rain. Commenting on this, Sony President Jack Tretton said, “I feel it is great that a title that is already in the homes on so many consumers will add support for this exciting new way to play games.” When asked how the Playstation Move will be used in Heavy Rain, Mr. Tretton said, “There are many ways Playstation move could be used in Heavy Rain. For instance, in the sex scene between Ethan and Madison, you can use the Playstation Move to penetrate Miss Paige’s-" At that point the phone call abruptly ended.

Insta-Turn Off

Hunter Red is sitting in the living room of Robin Anderson’s home waiting for Robin to finish getting ready for a night out.
Robin- (From the other room)Hunter?
Hunter- Yes Robin?
R- When is this thing we’re going to tonight?
H- Nine.
R- What time is it now?
H- Don’t you have a clock in there?
R- No.
Hunter rolls his eyes and looks at this watch.
H- It’s seven, we got plenty of time.
R- Okay. Who are we seeing tonight anyway?
H- Marcus.
R- He’s that comedian guy, right?
H- Yep.
R- That guy is one sexy motherfucker.
H- indeed.
R- By the way, I bought a new jacket. You wanna see it?
H- Sure.
Robin walks into the living room wearing her usual getup for a night out, plus a new red leather jacket.
R- So, what do you think?
Hunter looks like he’s about to throw up.
R- Oh no. You don’t like it.
H- No. No I do not.
R- What, does it not fit well on me?
H- No, it’s not that.
Hunter digs his iPhone out of his pocket and searches for something.
H- It’s this.
Hunter shows Robin this photo:

R- Oh my.
H- Yes.
R- I can see why you’re disgusted.
H- Yes.
R- I’ll go change.
H- Yes, please.
Robin goes off to take off her jacket.
R- (From the other room) Does this mean I’ll have to throw out my S&M gear?
H- Not unless Voyeur has an amateur night.