Braid Review


Braid is a game that is getting a lot of talk after it's release on the Xbox Live Arcade. It has a Metacritic average of 93, it received an A+ from 1UP, and has been generally seen as the best XBLA game to come out in a while.

After hearing this praise, I thought I might like to play Braid. I got the demo, played around with it for a while, and then decided not to buy it. I have one overarching reason why I didn't buy it, and that was not price. Considering that we, as a gaming public, willingly and often spend $60 for games, $15 for a great game seems like a bargain. My reason for not buying Braid can be wrapped up in five words. These are words I have said often, in fact, when I was three years old, I said these exact words to my mother. I can't fucking see anything.


Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I must admit several things. First, I have a 27 inch TV. Second, I sit nine and a half feet from my TV. Third, I have 20/42 vision and need glasses in order to see. However, with most games, none of this is a problem. I played MGS4 with no problem seeing things. I played Bioshock with no problems seeing things. I played Dr. Mario RX with no problem seeing things. The only other game I've played that I've run into sight related problems is N+. Although, I must admit, I also strongly object to N+'s portrayal of people with extreme anorexia.


Now, most people in this position would not give a grade to his game, but I am not most people, and am quite proud of that. The grade I am giving Braid XBLA is E. E, as in E,F,P,T,O,Z.

MGS 4: Gimps of the Patriots



On a yearly, quarterly, or monthly basis, corporations make known to the public how much revenue they are making. This is how we know Exxon makes more money than god, that Sirius and XM Satellite Radio are hemorrhaging money, and that the Redertainment Corporation of America is using its revenue to club baby seals. This is also how we know how much adult novelty sites make off the products we use to make each other very, very happy, or very, very ashamed.

One of these sites is Ultimategimpmasks.com. In the previous seven quarters, Ultimategimpmasks.com had lost a total of fifteen million dollars. However, in the last quarter, mostly through sales and ads on the site, this seller of adult sexual aids made 1.27 billion dollars. When asked about why they have made so much money in such a short amount of time, Ultimategimpmasks.com credits this to an uptick in the sales of full body black leather gimp suits with full coverage masks. Although they would not give specifics on their customers, they did say that most of their new customers have interests in video games, snakes, and cigarettes. Based on this information, many people are speculating that Ultimategimpmasks.com's success can be attributed to Metal Gear Solid 4 and Old Snake. Either that, or Hank Azaria.



When reached for comment about this story, Metal Gear Solid 4 producer Hideo Kojima said, "It does not surprise me that this effect has taken place. Many different kinds of people produced and consume my projects, including people who like to get freaky. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to remove this painful butt plug."

Metal Gear Solid 4 is not just a gold mine for Ultimategimpmasks.com, but also for the Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC), because now they have something new to bitch about. FVGAC spokesman Ned Flanders said, "This is a clear sign of the persistent perversion that runs through all video games, and all people connected with video games. I call on all people to send all copies of MGS4 to us so that we can send this filth straight to hell. Just don't ask what we actually do with what people send us."

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots is expected to continue selling strongly despite the best efforts of the FVGAC. It is also expected to sell even stronger in parts of the country that are extremely sexually repressed. These areas include Provo, Utah, Colorado Springs, Colorado, and Lexington, Virginia.

Is The Club A Recruitment Tool



On August 6th the American Civil Liberties Union made their objections to America's Army known to the public. In my search for more information on this story, I stumbled across something incredibly interesting. The FBI, INTERPOL and Torchwood are investigating Sega for possible connections to SUIAC.

Public details on SUIAC are few and far between, however a confidential source inside the Department of Justice has provided me with a great deal of information on this organization. SUIAC, or Secret Underground Illegal Acts Collective, is an organization based in Geneva, Switzerland, but with offices in London, New York, Bangkok, and Moscow. SUIAC members are generally wealthy aristocrats who are not in the public eye. Very little is known about the identities of members, but they are reported to have great influence in the fields of photography, chemicles, and private technologies.

SUIAC specializes in setting up events that feature activities that are illegal in most jurisdictions. These activities include fights to the death, human hunts, sexual relations with minors, and trepanation. These events are usually very expensive, arduous to get to, and a closely guarded secret. However, in recent years, attendance in SUIAC events have gone down. Because of this, the Secret Underground Illegal Acts Collective have been secretly recruiting new members. Torchwood believes that The Club is the most public of the recruitment drives. A secret memo from the desk of Torchwood cheif Captain Jack Harkness says, "because of leads gained from the discovery of The Club recruitment drive, we are very close to shutting down SUIAC for good."

No charges have been filed in connection with the joint investigation into the Secret Underground Illegal Acts Collective. However, I have been made aware of the next SUIAC event. It will take place on September 27th at Usana Amphitheater, West Valley City, Utah. Rumored participants in this event include Gregori Chad Petree, JT Woodruff, and Andrew McMahon.

George Speaks On Georgia, 8/11/08

Check out this video of Pres. Bush speaking about the conflict in Georgia on 8/11/08.



George clearly flubs his lines on three occasions. At the :15 mark, he repeats "Georgia" as he mentions the Russian threat against the Georgian capital. At the :52 mark, he speaks about Russia's intentions to dispose Russia's democratically elected government. At the 2:19 mark he repeats the line "Russia's relations".

I understand that we are not all perfect public speakers, but I have long since had enough of this. Can't George complete even a two and a half minute speech without embarrassing himself? Cant we get a guy into office who can articulate himself half-way decently? Can't we get a guy into office who doesn't embarrass himself and our country whenever he's on a world stage. Can't we get a guy into office who is worthy of the respect that is given to the President Of The United States?

Barack Obama's Official Website

Stabby Simpson Sues

After news broke of Jim Brown filing a lawsuit against EA and Sony over use of his likeness, another Hall Of Fame running back announced a lawsuit of his own. Orenthal James Simpson, known to his friends as "Stabby", has announced that he will be suing Ubisoft and Crytek for use of his image in the video game Far Cry.



Stabby Simpson is alledging that the central character in Far Cry, identified as Jack Carver, is obviously based on him. He's using a video of Jack whipping out a switchblade and stabbing a guy in the back as evidence for this case. In legal briefs filed Tuesday, Mr. Simpson said the following in a legal affidavit:

"When I saw this game in action I got an instant hard on. I believe this happened for two reasons. One: This game allows you to stab lots of people, and I absolutely love to sue people. Two: The main character not only gets away with but is actually encouraged to stab a seemingly endless supply of people. I identified with this character right away."

Other lawsuits of a similar nature have been announced. These include:


Random Black Guy #5 suing Epic over Gears of War and Augustus Cole.



Samuel L. Jackson is suing every video game company over his image being used for every cool black character that has ever appeared in any video game ever.


Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Mary-Kate Olsen are suing Rockstar over their image being used for the prostitutes in GTA4.



The women of The View are suing Konami over the sick, twisted, deranged, homicidal female bosses in MGS4.


And finally, Sean Hannity, Jack Thompson, Michael Savage, and Scott McClellan, are all suing The Redertainment Corporation Of America over the recently annouced game Bitch Slap Douchebags.

Stabby Simpson's lawsuit is scheduled to go to trial next year, but that nay change depending on how his currently pending criminal trial plays out. One this is clear thought, lawyers who have no problem filing baseless, frivolous lawsuits stand to make a truckload of hot, sweaty cash.

Human Zoo: Icy Birthday

In the year 8583, the human race will be conquered by aliens from the planet Kerry. This will cause the human race to be subjugated to the level that animals currently exist on. Like animals, most humans will be left to roam free, provided they don’t encroach on the Kerryites. However, the fast, slow, rare, cute, and sexually provocative ones will be put into Human Zoos for the amusement of the Kerryites and the young Kerryite-ets. This is the story of those in captivity.


Zoo exhibit, day. Brian is walking around listlessly in the exhibit. Carl is sitting in the corner facing the wall. Dawn walks into the exhibit and looks at Brian.



Dawn
- What are you doing?

Brian- Trying to get some exercise. The handlers took away my Bowflex after Carl started hitting the visitors with it.

D
- Why was he doing that?

B
- Because he couldn't fuck the thing.

D
- Damn, that guy is screwed up. By the way, I heard the handlers talking, happy birthday big man.

B
- (Unenthusiastic) Hurray.

D
- What's with the downer attitude?

B
- I'm slightly older today that I was yesterday. The difference is, today everybody feels the need to point it out to me.

D
- So, you don't feel special at all? Didn't the handlers give you anything special?

B
- They did. They gave me a honey baked ham, some asparagus, a piece of cheesecake and a bottle of Coke.

D
- That sounds nice. How does it taste?

B
- I don't know.

D
- Were you saving it so you could have a romantic dinner with me?

B
- If it makes you happy, sure.

D
- So, where's our nice dinner Mr Sexy Man?

B
- It's in that block of ice over there.

Brian motions to the slowly melting block of ice containing the dinner.


D
- No. You're fucking kidding me.

B
- Nope, there it is. The nice romantic dinner you wanted. If you want it, have at it. Just remember to use your chest to get at it.

D
- That ice is just going to ruin the flavor of the ham, and the cheesecake-

B
- Not to mention what it'll do to the Coke. Why the fuck did the do this?

D
- Other zoos have done it.

B
- God damn it! Are these handlers Kerryites or fucking Lemmings?

D
- This idea they ripped off is just horrible. Not like that artificial insemination idea.

Dawn has a growing look of bliss come across her face.


D
- That was just...


The overwhelming feeling of bliss has taken Dawn away from reality for a time, untill-


B
- Dawn!

Dawn pops back into reality.


D
- Oh, sorry. Just sort of drifted away there.

B
- You seem to do that often.

D
- That's what she said.

B
- What?

D
- Nothing.

B
- By the way, what's Carl doing over in the corner?

D
- Oh, you think my sexual obsession is bad, check out Carl.

B
- What?

D
- One of the visitors dropped his iPod Touch, and Carl managed to get at the thing before the handlers noticed.

B
- Yeah.

D
- Well the iPod Touch has Wi-Fi capability, and there's a little pocket of Wi-Fi reception in that corner. So Carl is over in that corner using his iPod Touch to watch porn on Youtube.

B
- What? No way.

D
- Serious.

B
- Damn that's pathetic. There's not even any good porn on Youtube.

D
- How do you know that?

B
- Carl let me borrow the Touch in exchange for allowing him to fuck my Bowflex.

D
- Ewwww. Now I really do prefer the steel shaft to you.

B
- Mechanics are nice, but humans are superior. I can't explain why, they just are.

D
- There are times I beg to differ. Besides, the Kerryites rule the world, so they are superior to humans.

B
- Then, why don't you go fuck them?

D
- No, they'd consider that sick. Sort of like you fucking a dolphin.

B
- You know, Carl might be into that.

B&D(Together)
- (Sigh)

D
- We're never going to have enough privacy to have sex, are we?

B
- Not unless Carl attacks some of the visitors.

D
- Hmmm. Hey Carl! I heard one of the Kerryite visitors has a portable device with some real human porn on it.

Carl hears this. Carl then gets up, puts his iPod Touch down, and starts running toward the visitors.

Carl
- God damn it! Get the fuck out of my way!

Carl jumps, gets to the visitors, and starts to go on a rampage. The Kerryite visitors begin to run in terror, except the ones who are oblivious to the situation because they're listening to their iPods. They are the first victims. Brian then stops his exercise routine, walks over to Damn and pulls her close to him.

B
- I like a woman who takes initiative.

D
- I like a man whose not a pervert.

B
- You get yourself ready, I'll get the ball gag.

Brian walks off away from the exhibit. Dawn has a disappointed look on her face at Brian's last comment, but she shrugs her shoulders and says,

D
- Oh well, he'll do.

Dawn walks off following Brian.

THE END

Visions Of E3 2009

In the time of my youth, one night, while I was sleeping, a man appeared in my room bathed in a golden light. At first, I thought he was just some strange man standing under a flood light. Then he revealed to me he was an angel sent by God to instill in me a message to spread to the world. At that point I knew I was in mortal danger.

Mere seconds before my father came storming in to kick his creepy ass out, the "angel" told me of a collection of golden plates buried in the ground that I could dig up and use to save the world. I in no way believed him, but I was bored one day so I went and looked for these golden plated. To my surprise, I actually found these golden plates, along with some gay porn and a bottle of lube.

These golden plated contained a dairy, my dairy. A dairy that stretches far into the future. One of the stories on these plates was a tale of myself going to E3 2009. Here now is what was written on the plates.


I received a package about three days before E3. It contained an invitation and my credentials to E3 2009. I had never been to any E3 and really I had no right to go. After all, all I do is write half-assed fake news on my piece of shit blog. However, I'm not one to pass up free shit, which is why my back yard is full of horse manure.

I made travel and work arrangements, caught a flight, and arrived in LA the day before the Electronic Entertainment Expo. I got a full nights sleep, a good breakfast, and made my way to the Convention Center for the annual video game event that defined annual video game events.

I was able to find parking quite easily, which wasn't shocking since there was no traffic and no people to be found around the Convention Center. I was expecting to fight through the crowd to even enter the building, but I entered without even having to interact in anyway with anyone. I walked on to the show floor and saw that there was not a soul in sight. All the booths were set up as the regularly are and looked ready for human consumption, but no one was there to consume.

A cold breeze blew through the air as I silently walked around. I peered inside booths from Microsoft, Nintendo, Sony, Konami and Square, among others. All were abandoned. I was making my way over to Capcom's booth to check out Dead Rising 2 when I accidentally crushed a plastic cup under my foot. That sound echoed throughout the entire show floor. Then I heard another sound.

I could not identify the sound, however I knew it was getting slowly louder. Then off in the distance, I saw them. They were deformed in the way that zombies are, but I could still recognize them. Kaz Hirai, Reggie Fils-Aime, Major Nelson, and other major figures in the gaming industry slowly and listlessly walking around the show floor.

When I spotted the wandering mass I froze, hoping that they hadn't noticed me. Then one of them turned toward me. I recognized her as Jade Raymond. Our eyes met, my heart stopped cold, and then she started howling. "Gamer!!!" At this sound, all at once, the wandering herd paused and turned toward me. They then started running in my direction. A ravenous mass of deformed gaming executives were coming intent on consuming me whole. It was then I started to run.

Running is not an activity I engage in often and it shows as the distance between myself and the well dressed blood thirsty mob quickly shrunk. I frantically searched for some shelter to protect myself. Alas, I found none that I felt were sufficient. Then I found my last shimmering ray of hope, the Men's Bathroom.

I ran into my perceived sanctuary and quickly locked the door behind me. The relentless mob rapping on the bathroom door chilled me to my core. I took shelter in one of the stalls and quickly got reacquainted with the god I had forsaken long ago. The door did not hold and the mob streamed in. They plucked me from my fort of last resort, this despite my constant cries of "Occupied! Occupied! Occupied!"

I awoke three days later with no knowledge of how I had spent that time. I awoke lying in the center of the now empty convention floor. I did not awaken naked like I no most mornings, in fact it was much the opposite. I was so laden with swag I could not lift myself up. T-Shirts, hats, lanyards, buttons, rings, necklaces, scarfs, watches, and that was just the beginning. I removed my anchors form the gaming world, made my way to the airport and left the city of angels with no intent on returning.

On my flight home I turned a question over in my mind. Whose doing was this? Who sent me the credentials? Who supplied the invitation? Who set up the trap that I was more than willing to spring? When I arrived at my only true sanctuary, I searched through my things and found the parcel that nearly lead to my doom. I looked at the return address, all it said was "C.A.G.".