Perhaps I'll Take Up Skiing


I've been thinking recently about getting into skiing.  I live within an hours drive of several world class skiing resorts, I have an all wheel drive vehicle which can help me get up the canyon on treacherous days, and I have basically nothing to do on the weekend except watch TV and playing video games, which is another form of watching TV.  Sure skiing lessons will be tough, and the initial expense of buying the equipment necessary to engage in this sport is high, but it will all be worth it when I'm cruising down the mountain in complete tranquility with my surroundings.  I can't think of a good reason why I shouldn't do this.


Actually, on second thought, maybe not.  If I'm going to pass out at a ski resort, I'd rather do it in a comfortable chair with a glass of scotch in my hand.  Actually, on third thought, Heineken.

Michael Bay Is A Hack, And That's Just Fine


Most people view Michael Bay's cinematic work as a fucking joke.  Movies like Transformers, The Rock, Armageddon, and Pearl Harbor are viewed by many as an unrealistic string of choreographed explosions made for the sole enjoyment of pyromaniacs and anarchists.  While I agree with this sentiment, I commend Michael Bay for going completely over the top with the explosions in his movies.  If the explosions in Michael Bay's movies were realistic, they would be either boring or reminiscent of actual events.

Official: Suicide bomber kills 16 at Russian train station

A Mexican Man In His Underwear For The Win


Perhaps this is a case of the grass being greener on the other side, but politics seems to be just more awesome outside of America.  The arguments are better, the people are more colourful, they actually get shit done, and other things.  Even the fights are better, usually because they devolve into actual fighting.  I'd love it if Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell actually started fighting, but that's due to me thinking that, with his boxing background, Harry Reid would kick Mitch McConnell's ass.


Also, politicians in America wouldn't be caught dead wearing sexy underwear in public.  Most people also wouldn't do this, but politicians in America seem to be especially unlikely to this.  This is in all likelihood due to them wanting to not appear to be human in any way.  If a person appears to be human, you are more likely to question their authority, and politicians in America live on authority the same way that actual people live on food.  Where am I going with this?  Nowhere really, I just needed an excuse to post this:

Mexican Congressman Strips Down To His Underwear To Protest Energy Bill

A True Christmas Message


The end of the holiday season is here and by holiday I mean Christmas, because fuck New Year's Eve.  As a self identified Atheist, I often get asked if I celebrate Christmas.  I am proud to say that I do in fact celebrate Christmas.  This is not due to any family obligation or tradition, rather it is because I am not an Atheist.


For a long time I was an Atheist, but now I have heard the truth. I have heard the message of the one true lord, King, and Savior of this world. His words have touched my soul and have enriched my spirit. I truly feel His words have enriched every aspect of my life. His words are now my inspiration. I love Him, in a purely platonic way that has nothing to do with fishsticks.


I would urge all within the sound of my voice to seek out His words. If you miss out on His message, His spirit, the very essence of His being, you are missing out on one of the purest joys this world has to offer. I take it as a point of pride to say the following: I am a loyal and dutiful follower of Yeezus.


Praise Yeezus

This Is Too Good To Stifle

When the Occupy movement started flaring up, I retweeted many tweets sent out by Occupy protesters as well as the people who supported them.  At that time I received complaints from people about my twitter barrage.  For that I was sorry.


On Friday, a federal court judge struck down Utah's Amendment Three, making gay marriage legal in the state of Utah.  I found out about this news on Twitter, and immediately started barraging twitter with message spreading the news and spreading the support for gay marriage in Utah.  If I offended anybody with my Twitter barrage, I want you to know I apologize for nothing.

Federal Judge Strikes Down Utah Same-Sex Marriage Ban









Wow















Watch This


Watch this.  Buy this.  Be this.

My Subconscious Really Likes Woman's Field Hockey



This video, posted on YouTube and on The Huffington Post, brings up some interesting questions to me.  Namely, there's a women's field hockey world league?  And this is on television?  WHERE?!?  How do I watch this and how do I watch a lot of this?  Please, someone tell me, I urgently want to watch high caliber women's athletics because I legitimately enjoy watching high caliber women's athletics and not because I find athletic women highly attractive.


Why am I allowing my subconscious to blog for me?

Jeh Johnson Actually Confirmed As Secretary Of Homeland


On Thursday, November 21st, the United States Senate voted to enact what is referred to as "the nuclear option", limiting the ability for the minority in the Senate to filibuster judicial and other cabinet nominees.  This move was met with criticism from conservative circles and was seen in liberal circles as a sign that congressional gridlock was coming to an end.  Liberals lauded the confirmation of several judicial nominees as proof of progress, as well as the confirmation of Jeh Johnson as Secretary of Homeland Security, a nomination that had been sitting in limbo since October.  However, a development learned today may put those signs of progress in question.


As it turns out, Jeh Johnson, pictured above, was not confirmed as Secretary of Homeland Security, but was rather confirmed to be a secretary on Homeland.  Homeland is a series on Showtime that has received critical acclaim, several Emmy and Golden Globe awards, as well as being called President Obama's favorite show.  A source inside Fox 21, the production company behind Homeland, has confirmed that Jeh Johnson will be a secretary for Homeland.  Mr. Johnson will not play the role of a secretary on the show Homeland, but instead will be a secretary inside the office that handles the daily affairs of running the popular television show.


When he learned of this development, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was heard to say:

"Gosh darn!  Phooey!  Why does crud like this keep on happening to us?  Dang it!"


When he learned of this development, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell was heard to say:

"Booya!  That's what you get for fucking with us!"

Senator McConnell was then reported to have danced a little jig.


The future of the position of Secretary of Homeland Security is still in limbo.  Several names have been floated as possible candidates for the position, including Mansour Al-Zahrani.

A Man's Guide To Giftwrapping


Christmas is close at hand and, if you're like most men, there is one part of the whole gift giving process that you are stressing out about: Wrapping the gifts you plan to give.  This can be very stressful for men because, to be honest, many men suck at wrapping gifts and most people assume that all men suck at gift wrapping.


Many men's attempts to wrap Christmas gifts look so bad that it is an embarrassment to themselves, the people they give the gift to, their families, and society in general.  This embarrassment is why I am writing this guide.  Rather than giving men tips on how to correctly cut, fold, and trim the wrapping paper so that it looks nice, I am giving men tips on how to avoid the whole gift wrapping process alltogether while also giving giving great looking gifts.


Step One: Buy the gifts you want to give.  Go out and buy all the gifts that you intend to give.  You should buy your gifts in advance so that you can make sure you have them in time, but if you're shopping last minute this guide will also help you.


Step Two: Measure your gifts.  Pictured above is a tape measure.  If you don't have one, GET ONE!  Take out your tape measure, which you should have because you are allegedly a man, and take measurement of the gifts you have bought.  Take exact measurement but allow some room so that the person you are buying gifts for can shake them and guess what's inside.  Write these measurements down on a piece of paper, or input them into your phone or iPod Touch or Blackberry or other digital device that you are tethered to.  Remember to take these measurement with you for the next step.


Step Three: Go to a craft store.  If you don't know where a craft store is, you have Google, FIND ONE!  Although, don't go to Hobby Lobby because they suck.  That's not a political statement, their selection really sucks.


Inside the craft store you can find a great many things with which you can make a great many things, but you are not there for the great many things.  The reason you are going to the craft store is so you can find gift boxes.


Festive holiday gift boxes that look good on the outside and take very little effort to put together.  Use the measurements you obtained earlier and brought with you to the craft store, RIGHT?, and buy boxes that the presents you bought can fit in.  Don't worry if the boxes you buy are a little too big, just worry if they are a little bit too small.



Step Four: Put your gift in a box.  No really, put all the gifts that you bought in the boxes that you just bought.  You should seal the boxes with tape so that they stay closed until the big day.


And there you have it, you're done.  You have put a series of boxes in another series of boxes that look pleasant to other people.  Also, because you used gift boxes instead of gift wrap, you can reuse the gift boxes, and really impress that one person in the office who's really into recycling.

Yes, This Is Kindof A Cruel Joke

Earlier this year my Grandfather on my mother's side died, just days before my birthday.  This morning I found out that my Grandfather on my father's side is about to die, just days before Christmas.  This is making me really apprehensive about Arbor Day.

It's Too Good To Be Naked Pictures Of Carla Bruni


There's an old saying: if it's too good to be true, it probably is.  If you recieve an email telling you that some Nigerian price is offering you any amount of money, it's too good to be true.  If some strange guy in a van is offering you candy in exchange for helping him find his dog, it's too good to be true.  If the people who laughed at you and made fun of you in high school suddenly start treating you humanely and even vote you homecoming queen, it's too good to be true.  If some random Ginger offers you free copies of his book, it's too good to be true.  If it's too good to be true, it probably is.

Nude Photos Of Carla Bruni Used In G-20 Hacking Scheme


Carla Bruni naked?  Now that's gotta be true!  Click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click!

Concerning Instructions


One of the concerns that comes with writing is the possibility that you could provide people with the directions they need to commit illicit acts.  This includes not just things that are illegal, but also things that are not, in the view of the writer, morally appropriate.  There are occasions where people are not explicitly told how exactly to do things, occasions where the people who really want to do things use little bread crumbs left by motivated people to put together the process on their own.  These occasions are inevitable and come with writing about real people doing real things in a realistic manner.  However, there is a difference between leaving little bread crumbs for motivated people and explicitly telling people how to do things that are illegal.

16 Teens Arrested After Tweeted Party Leads To $1 Million Burglary


Okay, so what I need is a large amount of followers on Twitter and the location of a well known celebrity's home.


Perfect.

Ted Cruz Is Now An International Embarassment


Reports: Ted Cruz Walked Out Of Mandela Memorial During Castro Speech


I'd like to express outrage at this, but I worked hard last night and am tired as a result.  You know, work?  That thing that Congress is seemingly allergic to?

Project Smoke A Blunt


As I've demonstrated before, I'd love to take a vacation but I don't have a good idea as to what to do.  I did have an idea recently, but I dismissed it because I didn't think it was a good idea.


Recently Colorado decriminalized small amounts of marijuana for recreational use for people who don't live in the state of Colorado.  That means that I could travel to Colorado for the purposes of smoking pot and not be a criminal for doing so.  However, I wouldn't want to say that I was going to Colorado for the purposes of smoking pot because, as I've demonstrated before, my family reads my blog.  So, I'd have to find a legitimate reason to travel to Colorado so that I can say that I'm doing that thing instead of what I'm actually doing, going there to smoke pot.  Perhaps skiing.



Yeah, no.  If I'm going to ride on something cold and then crash afterward, I'd rather get married.  Perhaps, as the Colorado Tourism Office suggests, I can go to the Alpine Hotsprings Hideaway.


Ouch!  That comment wasn't from the temperature of the hotspring, I was looking at the rates.  $295 a night with a $400 deposit and a $100 cleaning fee for parties over six.  Yeah, no.  I'm not paying that much to boil in a tub.  I could go zipling at Adventures Out West.


Yeah, no.  If I'm going to recreate something from an episode of South Park, I'd rather nail a hermaphrodite at the Drunken Barn Dance.  I've heard that Denver has a baseball team.  Perhaps the Red Sox are playing the Colorado Rockies next year.


After looking over the Rockies schedule for next year, it appears the Red Sox aren't playing the Rockies this year.  But hey, I see the Mets are playing the Rockies next year, and John Stewart apparently likes the Mets for reasons that are unexplainable.  And tickets are available for these series of games right now.  Perhaps I could use going to Denver to see the Colorado Rockies play the New York Mets as a cover for going to Denver to smoke pot.  But do I really want to go through all that trouble to smoke pot.  I mean, it's just smoking pot.  I've been told for years that doing drugs is bad.  I'm not even really that motivated to smoke pot.


Okay, now I'm motivated to go to Colorado to smoke pot.  Hell, I'm not even tell people that I'm going to Colorado to do something else.  I'm going to Colorado to smoke pot... eventually.  Once Project Buy A House is over, I'm totally going to go to Colorado to get baked.  Thank you Bill O'Reilley.  You are a constant source of inspiration to me.  And by that I mean I get inspired by Bill O'Reilley to do whatever he says is bad.  It's why I got that abortion.

It's No Longer A Question Of If Or Why

Spy agencies in covert push to infiltrate virtual world of online gaming


This morning The Guardian published an article, linked above, that details attempts by the NSA and the GCHQ, a British intelligence agency, to covertly monitor communications inside various online video games. The monitoring included such well used online platforms as World of Warcraft, Xbox Live, and Second Life.

There gets to be a point where you start to wonder if people are doing things for a legitimate and worthwhile purpose, or if people are doing things just because they can.  I have reached that point with the NSA.  In the article, it is said that it is possible that terrorist organizations could be using online video games to communicate with eachother, but that there was no evidence that such activity was taking place.  So why would the NSA be monitoring people playing online video games?  What is the real reason?  Because they can.

If the NSA is doing things just because they can, what else are they doing?  To what extent does the NSA's monitoring of the internet go?  I believe it's no longer a question as to if the NSA is watching me, the question is what have they seen, and what have they documented me doing?

Xbox: Use Fox News To Watch Porn


Early on Thursday, Director of Programming for Xbox Live Larry Hryb, also known as Major Nelson, released the video embedded above providing tips and tricks to using the new Kinect enabled voice features rolled out with the Xbox One.  Many owners of the Xbox One have voiced frustration about new voice commands, some have even suggested improvements that need to be made to the system.  While the tips and tricks provided in the video above can help some consumers use the voice commands to navigate the Xbox One user interface, no where in the video does Major Nelson assist consumers in using doing one of the things that many consumers will use the Xbox One for.  Watching porn.

While such aid may not be coming, seeing as Microsoft is a responsible company that has to answer to many conservative action groups, perhaps it is those same conservative action groups that can provide consumers with help in using the Xbox One to view pornographic content.  After all, this article exists.

Project Buy A House That I Can Then Use As A Place To Build Awesome Things


People often ask me why I am pursuing Project Buy A House.  I usually tell them that it's a long term goal that I need to accomplish to prove that I am an adult, or that I dislike my current living conditions and want to change them, or "Shut up!  You always mock me and what I want to do.  I'm doing this.  Shut up!"  However, none of these well reasoned responses are the real reason why I am pursuing Project Buy A House.  I want to buy a house so that I can have the room to do things like this:


And this:


And this:


Specifically, I want to do all three of these things at the same time.  What could go wrong?

John Leguizamo: 1964-2013


It appears that in the wake of the death of Paul Walker, there was a death in Hollywood that went sadly overlooked.  Media reports started trickling out Tuesday about the death of a long established and well respected actor, comedian, voice actor, producer and screenwriter.  While the few reports that came out focused on Mr. Leguizamo's role as the iconic video game sidekick Luigi in the much maligned Super Mario Bros. movie, this dynamic artist's work also included roles that showed his true range as an actor.  From To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar to Romeo + Juliet, from Freak to Ghetto Klown, from Spawn to Land of the Dead and Moulin Rouge!, Mr. Leguizamo's work represents a true cornucopia of what Hollywood has to offer.  John Leguizamo, dead at the age of 49.  Mr. Leguizamo is survived by his wife, two children, and legion of ardent fans.

Reprimands Are Fucking Awesome!



Recently there have been several stories printed about people getting banned from Xbox Live for uploading videos to Microsoft's Upload Studio where they swear.  This is an issue that is getting talked about a lot within the video game nerd community.  Well, this issue is about to go to another level.


According to an article on Deadspin, people playing NBA 2K14 can receive a technical foul if they swear as they are playing the game.  Now you may be asking yourself, "Why the fuck are you reading an article on Deadspin?"  That question is offensive and you should be reprimanded for it!


Frankly, I think this is something that has been needed for a long time.  For far too long people have gotten away with swearing just because they were alone in their house where no one could hear them.  However, I think this recent development in censorship technology doesn't go far enough.  What about words that are not swear words but are nonetheless offensive?  For example, words like Ginger or Nickleback.  Why shouldn't they be reprimanded?  What about people who blast dubstep through their microphones as they play Call Of Duty: Ghosts?  While it is in no way offensive for someone to kill an endless supply of people online, it has been well established that dubstep is a crime against humanity.  Shouldn't people who engage in the illicit listening of dubstep be reprimanded?


An argument can be made that actions taken by video game companies to regulate the speech that is used while their product is being played is an infringement on our First Amendment rights.  That argument is wrong because the First Amendment governs how the government can regulate speech, and corporations are not the government..... yet.


Future Vacation Planning


Lately I've been thinking about going on vacation.  The problem is that I don't know what to do.  I'm not one of those people who can go to a place on vacation just to go to the place, I need to do something.  When I went to Vegas, I went to go see Penn & Teller.  Sure I did other things, but primarily I went to see Penn & Teller.  I need something to do when I go on vacation so that people don't think I'm just fucking with them and am staying in my house for a week without talking to anyone, as opposed to what I usually do which is staying in my house for a week without talking to anyone.


The problem I'm having is that I don't know what it is I want to do on vacation.  I'm in such a mode about not making any large purchases as I pursue Project Buy A House that I haven't really thought of anything I want to go on vacation to do.  I need some guidance, I need some direction, I need some inspiration, I need an idea.


Okay, now I have a direction but I suddenly can't have ideas.  Weird.

I Know They're Watching, And I Like It

Top-Secret Document Reveals NSA Spied On Porn Habits As Part Of Plan To Discredit 'Radicalizers'


According to an article on The Huffington Post, the NSA is gathering information about the porn habits of so called "radicalizers", and, given the tactics the NSA is reported to use, it can be safely assumed that the NSA is gathering information about the porn habits of everybody.  So the NSA knows the porn habits of everybody, including me.  So the NSA knows what porn I am watching.


I have mixed emotions about this.  While I feel that this is an invasion of my privacy and that my porn habits are of no one's business unless I am doing something illegal, I also feel a little bit of a kinky twinge.  Someone is looking at me when no one is supposed to be looking at me.  I am doing dirty things while someone is surreptitiously watching me.  That's like exhibitionism taken to a whole new level.


So, thank you NSA for giving me another source of sexual thrill.  Now, kindly, get the fuck out of my business.  Call me when you actually find out information that can help people, like where a missing person is or who the fuck moved my goddamn cheese.

Xbox: Play Pornography


Recently Microsoft released a list of the commands that users can utilize while using their new Xbox One Kinect.  When they released this list, two questions came to the minds of many gamers.  One: Why isn't this list included on a card with the Xbox One so that you can know what you can and cannot command your Xbox One to do?  Two: Where are the porn commands?


Where is the list of commands that allow users to watch an unlimited supply of pornography with their Xbox One?  Where is it?  Do I have to reference a specific cable channel that I receive that may or may not have pornography on it, depending on the time of day?  Do I have to say the title of a specific video that is in my collection in order for my Xbox One to play it?  Does Xbox One recognize the names of the videos that I have in my collection, and does that mean that I should have a variance in the names of the pornographic videos in my collection, as opposed to "Brunette1", "Brunette2", "BlondeBigTits", etc.?  Sure I already can watch pornography on my couch by using my iPad, iPhone, iPod Touch, Xbox 360, PS4, PS3, PS2, Xbox, Media PC, Laptop, and other various devices that I currently own, but I also want to use my Xbox One to watch pornography.  I mean, they call it the XBONE for a reason, right?


XBONE: Because the internet is for porn.

Rick Reilley Puts It Better Than I Can

Guilty Pleasure


After watching the video linked above, I am having second thoughts about my fandom for the UFC.

Different Activities For John Carmack


On Friday, IGN reported on John Carmack's departure from id Software.  While acknowledging his role as Chief Technology Officer with Oculus, IGN did not report that Mr. Carmack would be going full-time with this job.  This is despite Electronic Gaming Monthly, Rock Paper Shotgun, Gamesbeat, Ars Technica, and Games Industry International reporting exactly that.  So, if you follow only IGN, John Carmack now has a lot of free time on his hands with nothing to do.  Here are some things John Carmack could do with his newly discovered free time.


Construct a large Christmas light display at his house


Write a book


Delicately making a small sculpture


Cleaning his house


Organizing his important documents


Macrame


And, possibly, defeating the video game Rage.