****- Three Religious Experiences While Wanking To Heavy Rain

The Plan Of Nintendo Rumble Salvation

Rumors have been flying recently about Nintendo’s plans for a possible DS 2. After digging around in a 2005 patent filing, a diagram has been found that could possibly be a schematic for a rumble system for a handheld console.

Now this diagram may be too complicated for people with limited knowledge of electronics and the trade of electrical engineering. So, after asking several electricians for a more approachable way to explain this, the following diagram has been produced.

Apparently the whole rumbling system begins even before the player plays a game. However, due to a “Veil of Failness”, not much is known for certain about this aspect of this rumbling process. When the player starts to play the game the player must meet a certain number of parameters to achieve even a small level of rumbling glory. All can achieve rumbling glory, but only a select few can achieve the full glory that is Perfect Rumbling.

After several more steps, including the possibility of being saved after the character you portray unfortunately dies, there are three levels of rumbling glory that can be attained. The first is the previously mentioned Perfect Rumbling, which is hard to achieve and may never be realized by most gamers. The second is Acceptable Rumbling, which is all right, but given the awesomeness of Perfect Rumbling, Acceptable Rumbling is barely acceptable. The final is Fail Rumbling, which feels like nothing more than a slight tapping and actually makes more noise than movement. Fail Rumbling is reserved for the worst of the worst, the baddest of the bad, the most failtastic of the fail. You’d have to be a pretty fucked up player to achieve Fail Rumbling.

As a Nintendo DS 2 has yet to be announced or even acknowledged by Nintendo, it is unknown where, when, and how this new rumbling system will be implemented. It is also unknown if the rumbling system mentioned in this story will actually be like this when gamers encounter it. I guess we’ll just see whose system of lemming like belief is correct.

Dear God Why?

Another Reason To Avoid UAE, other than the whole being a searing desert thing.

On February 22nd, the United Arab Emirates banned the importation and sale of the PS3 title Heavy Rain. In a statement on this ban, UAE Culture and Communications Minister Farooq Aziz said the following:

“The reason the Culture and Communications Ministry has banned the video game Heavy Rain is not the fully nude woman you can view at about three hours in. Nor is it the naked man ass you can view at about ten minutes in. Nor is it that you can make the playable characters urinate on a frequent basis. The CACM banned Heavy Rain because of Quantic Dream’s flagrant and grotesque depiction of women as humans.

“The United Arab Emirates hardline interpretation of the holy Qur’an dictates that we treat all females as objects with no more rights and privileges than a fern. The UAE CACM also insists that all media that is imported conforms to our interpretation of the Islamic faith, the one and only true faith as revealed to the prophet Mohammed, praise be unto him.

“Quantic Dream’s depiction of its female characters with realistic emotions and realistic drives and desires offends us deeply as it runs in conflict with our preferred depiction of women. That being emotionless vessels for our male heirs and unworthy female subjects. Untill Quantic Dream conforms to that standard, Heavy Rain will not be permitted in our country. That, or until they bribe me.”
In other news, the state of Utah has also banned Heavy Rain for similar reasons as the United Arab Emirates.

DOA: Wanking Cancelled?

Dead or Alive Paradise Isn't "Softcore Porn," Director Says

On Friday, Dead or Alive Paradise director Yoshinori Ueda stated that his upcoming game is not softcore porn. As a result, ,many pre-orders for this game on Amazon.com have been cancelled, resulting in the game moving from 14th most popular to 2,456,744th.

Heavy Rain First Impressions

I bought Heavy Rain on the day it was released. The first thing I needed to do upon putting Heavy Rain into my PS3 and starting it up was to download an update. If this was a 360 game and I was dealing with Live, this process would have taken just a couple of minutes. Unfortunately this was a PS3 game and I was dealing with PSN.

The first time I tried to download this update the download started but stopped and didn’t get started again for seemingly no reason at all. The second time it stalled before even starting the download for, again, seemingly no reason at all. The third time the download started and kept on going, but the speed at which it was downloading was unacceptable. I was able to watch an entire episode of The Dish in the time it took to download the update.

Once the update was downloaded the next thing to do was install Heavy Rain to the PS3’s hard drive. Unlike other games where they give you a progress bar or Old Snake to look at, Heavy Rain actually gives you something to do.
Heavy Rain Origami Start
Included in the package with Heavy Rain is this square piece of paper. During the installation process, you are given instructions on how to turn this piece of paper into this.
Heavy Rain Origami Final
By the time you are finished crafting this piece of origami, the installation should be complete.

This whole process, infuriating at first and somewhat rewarding at the end, took about an hour. An hour I could have spent playing the game. Let’s just hope the actual playing of Heavy Rain offers more rewards than just a paper artform to put next to my Modern Warfare 2 night vision goggles.


I remember happier times with my dad. In the backyard playing helicopter and airplane with him and my brother. Watching him draw buildings that people could live and play in. Even him comforting me as I mourned the loss of my pet bird are things that I look back on fondly now.

After the accident that took my brother away, my dad never seemingly got up. He looks depressed, isn’t maintaining himself the way he used to, and even walks around like he doesn’t quite have a handle on how to do so fluidly. He doesn’t even eat well, not that the microwaved chicken is anything to salivate over.

I know he means well, I can see the remorse for his failings in his eyes as he tucks me in at night. Perhaps one day he will pick himself up and find a way out of this perpetual downpour. At least then he might shave off that short scruffily beard he’s grown.

Heavy Rain Second Impressions

Video games tend to follow a similar basic structure: Level, level, boss, level, level, bigger boss, level, level, bigger boss, level, boss, bigger boss, final boss. Nearly every video game does this. Mario, Metroid, Mega Man, Zelda, Metal Gear, Final Fantasy, World of Warcraft, and on and on and on.

Before its release, Heavy Rain was talked about not being a video game. I don’t know why this is because Heavy Rain follows basic video game structure, it’s just presented differently. Inner monologue, dialog between characters, fight scene, discovery of a plot point, discussion of the plot point, fight scene, character development, plot development, fight scene.

I’m not saying that this is a bad thing. This kind of basic video game structure can produce a challenging and compelling video game experience, if it is done well. Heavy Rain appears to be utilizing this structure very well, so far…

****- Red Interviews Wolves

The Red Interview- Trevor Moore

Hunter- Hello and welcome to The Red Interview, I am your host Hunter Red. My guest tonight is Trevor Moore. Trevor is a writer, performer, and is a member of the Whitest Kids U’Know, currently playing on IFC. Trevor, it’s a pleasure to have you here.
Trevor- Thanks but I’m not Trevor Moore.
H- (Laughs lightly) Okay Trevor, you don’t have to be on here.
T- What do you mean?
H- You don’t have to joke with me here.
T- I’m not.
H- Okay, I’ll play along. So Trevor-
T- I’m not Trevor.
H- Okay then, what character are you playing?
T- I’m not playing a character.
H- Okay then, who are you?
T- Edge.
H- Edge?
T- Edge. Nine time world heavyweight champion, winner of the 2010 Royal Rumble, the Rated R Superstar.
Hunter has a dumb look on his face.
H- Wait a moment.
Hunter whips out his iPod Touch and looks up a picture of Trevor Moore and Edge.

H- Oh. I can see why I misidentified you. You and Trevor look very much alike.
Edge- Really?
H- Yeah, you two could even pass as brothers.
E- Really?
H- Yes.
E- Well, do you have any questions for me?
H- No, unless you have some knowledge of sketch comedy.
E- Well, thank you for wasting my time.
H- It wasn’t a waste of time. We paid you for your appearance.
E- Yes, you paid me all of $50, which is way more valuable than a good night’s sleep.
H- Well, that’s all the time we have for The Red Interview. I’d like to thank my guest Trevor Moore- I mean Edge.
E- That’s it, I’m out of here.
Edge gets up and storms out of the studio.
H- I’m Hunter Red reminding you to make sure you prepare for the guest you actually book. See you next time.

Hunter Red: Enemy Of The State

On February 4th, the Utah State Legislature passed a referendum declaring wolves an enemy of the state. This is despite wolves being on the Endangered Species List and there being no wolves in the state of Utah.

The Utah State Legislature is also expected to declare the following things that do not exist in Utah enemies of the state.

A team that plays in the National Football League

A good metal radio station

Democratic politicians with a spine

Robin Anderson

A Popeye’s Chicken restaurant that civilians can go to

A McDonald’s that serves food suitable for humans (not that one of those exists ANYWHERE)

Republican Politicians that are sane
And lastly…

Black people

I Am Not Kidding About This 2

Rolly: Dr. King to get a partner?
Sometimes I wonder if the members of the Utah State Legislature actually interact with the people they claim to represent. If they did they would see how completely wrong it is to even propose something like this. I mean come on, Martin Luther King Jr. was killed with a gun.

I am also not kidding about this,

****- A Talk With Wayne

A Talk With Wayne

Hunter Red is walking through his house when he sees a door in his house that is open. Hunter peers in then opens the door fully.
Hunter- What the hell?
Hunter steps into a room that is decorated like a single room library. It includes bookshelves, a globe, and chairs for sitting in. Think Dad’s study from Moral Orel.
Hunter- What the hell is all this? This isn’t mine. Robin! Robin do you know who did this.
One of the chairs begins to slowly turn so that the occupant faces Hunter. The occupant is an older man with white hair and bad teeth. Hunter sees this Guy and says-
Hunter- Ah!
Guy- Hello son.
H- Who the fuck are you?
Guy continues on as if Hunter has not said anything.
G- Why don’t you sit down here, it’s time we had a talk son.
H- Not until you tell me who you are and what you’re doing in my house. And why the fuck are you calling me son?
G- Son, everything that is good in this world comes from the family unit.
H- That’s not true, and where’s my god damn sexatorium?
G- Everything. This home that I built with my hard work, came from the family unit.
H- This is my house old man. And where the fuck is Robin?
G- The security that we enjoy as a country, came from the family unit.
H- You’ve got her bound and gagged in one of my closets, don’t you?
G- The artistic works created by the likes of Paul Newman, Jack Nicholson, and Leonardo da Vinci, came from the family unit.
H- Paul and Jack are flagrant bachelors and I’ve heard that da Vinci was gay. Are you even listening to me?
G- Son, if you want to do anything that is in anyway valuable in this world, you need to get married and have children.
Hunter fishes into his pocket for his cell phone and pulls it out in view of Guy.
H- I don’t know who you are but I’ve had enough of your shit. You have to the count of five to get your withered and ancient ass out of my house or I will call the cops.
G- But don’t you remember who I am?
H- Now you can hear me?
G- I am your father.
There is a short pause.
H- Fuck you. My father looks like me with black hair and eighty extra pounds.
G- Okay, I’m not your father, but I’m something better.
H- What’s that?
G- Wayne Niederhauser, your representative in the Utah State Senate.
H- How is that any better?
G- Well obviously your father is deficient. Why else would you be swearing at me?
H- You’re a strange man who broke into my house. You’re lucky you haven’t been shot.
G- Young man, I am a public official duly elected to the office of State Senate. You should take my advice and follow it dutifully.
H- The role of government is not to be my father.
G- Well, I disagree.
There is a short pause.
H- Wayne, you are an intruder in my house, that is an indisputable fact. You can leave now or be taken out.
G- I will not be taken out, I have god on my side.
H- Well, I have cops on my side, and I’m going to get them now.
Hunter leaves to go call the cops on a hard phone line. Wayne looks around the single room library and says-
G- How can that man not appreciate the work I’m doing for him?

My Message To The Utah State Legislature

There is a perception that I
hate the Utah State Legislature. I’m not sure where
everyone gets that impression. I need to make it clear to
you people the amount of respect I have for the
conservative members of the Utah State Legislature.
An interview with the State Senate President is a
necessary step to quell there is any negative perception there is.
Beginning in
late nineteen-ninety-nine
overtures were made to Mike
Waddoups. Gifts, praise, and slowly cured
meats were sent to him in hopes of
entering his office for an interview. We have been unsuccessful to this point.

Take the first letter in the first word of each of the above lines to learn my true message to the Utah State Legislature.

****- Uncompromising And Annoying Mansluts

John Mayer Wants Bono

In a recent interview in Rolling Stone magazine, manslut and alleged rock and roll star John Mayer said that he’s searching for “The Joshua Tree of vaginas.” John also said the following:

“I want to find a vagina where I could run. I want to find a vagina where I could hide. I want to tear down the vaginal walls that hold me inside. I want to take shelter form the poison rain where the vaginas have no name.”

Annoying Man Wanted Dead Or Alive

On Monday, January 25th, in the year of your lord 2010, the 2010 Utah State Legislature got underway. As is customary, at the start of the session, the President of the Utah State Senate addressed his fellow legislators about the various issues they would be facing. This year, for the first time in memory, there was background music accompanying this speech. The choice of background music was curious to say the least.

Utah State Senate President Michael G. Waddoups, pictured above, gave a rousing speech, including an analogy equating the journey of a seashell to the journey taken when deciding on a statewide governmental budget. You would think that a speech of this nature would be accompanied by a nautical theme, say Christopher Cross’s Sailing or Sea of Time from The Beatles’ “Yellow Submarine” album, but that was not the case. The song playing behind Waddoups’s annual legislative address was John Williams’s The Imperial March, composed for the 1979 science fiction film “Star Wars”.

When asked about the choice of music for his speech, Mr. Waddoups said, “I didn’t choose the music for my speech, this goofy looking red headed kid who interns for me did. It sounds good though, what is it?” When informed what the song was and the connotations that come with it, Mr. Waddoups punched the reporter asking the question in the face and called him, “An insolent knave.”
Redertainment- Embarassing
Salt Lake City Police are currently searching for this man, seen here about to engage in oral sex on a Utah Transit Authority TRAX train. He is charged with disruption of legislative business, general mischief, and atheism with intent to distribute. There is currently a $4.7 Million bounty on this person’s head. He is wanted dead or alive, preferable dead.

Demon’s Souls Review

When I was a young kid, in the times before I knew the world sucked, I wanted to play on this jungle gym at my elementary school. This piece of equipment looked like such a blast. There were monkey bars, slides, a captain’s wheel, all the things that hold endless fun for kids. There was just one catch. In order to play on this jungle gym, I had to get past Travis.

Travis was a bully. More specifically he was my bully. At times I felt that the only pleasure Travis got out of life was to rob my of any pleasure I might have. Travis patrolled the jungle gym area just waiting for the opportunity to prevent me from playing on that piece of equipment. Travis was really successful at doing this. No matter what direction I came from, how fast I approached, what tactics I used in my attempts, Travis repelled me each and every time. Well, not quite every time.

One day I decided to emulate my favorite cartoon at the time and try my hand at being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I didn’t have any weapons but I did know how to kick and punch, at least I thought I did. Travis easily repelled my attempt to enter the jungle gym by merely standing there and shoving me away. In my time of desperation, I did something I have never thought of before. I kicked Travis in the balls.

This action worked surprisingly well. Travis was instantly on the ground crying and I was sprinting toward the jungle gym. Awash in the feeling of complete triumph, I began to climb the rope ladder I had long before dreamed of scaling. This is when I first met Travis’s brother Thomas.

Thomas threw me off the jungle gym so fast I know I broke the sound barrier. This memory came back to me often as I played Demon’s Souls. I swear while I was playing this game I said, “Damn you Travis! Damn you Thomas! I just want to play on the mother fucking monkey bars!”

Demon’s Souls: C-

Flame Retardant Onions

Candles are a great way to create a sense of mood and atmosphere. However they really suck as a light source. I fear that if my girlfriend doesn’t come to our split-level cookie cutter love nest soon that she’ll be welcomed by utter darkness, save this overpriced, overly pungent cylinder of wax and wax byproducts. I was planning on the light from the bay window providing sufficient light for our romantic encounter. It’s too bad that the sun eventually sets over the horizon. Also that the window in question faces east.

Maybe the lasagna I made can be of some help here. I already burnt the damn thing to a crisp. Perhaps if I leave it in the oven and jacked up the temperature I’ll have a non-stick baking pan full of fire. I don’t know where I went wrong with it. I followed the directions exactly, except for the onions. I don’t like onions. I just don’t. Whatever I eat that has onions in it tastes only of onions to me. Maybe onions are a natural flame retardant. Maybe onions would have prevented me from overcooking the lasagna. That or I could have paid more attention to my cooking instead of spending the evening playing Mario while the focus of my romantic dinner slowly turned to inedible blackness. Either way, I messed up.

As I wait for my love, looking at the various things my girlfriend uses to decorate our cookie cutter love nest, I’m more and more regretting buying this banner that’s hanging over my head. I thought I’d be clever and convey the message in complete leet speek, but even I don’t know what it says at this point, and I wrote the damn thing. “|-|4PPY \/413|\|TI|\|35 I)4Y!!1!” What? Not only is the banner impossible to read to ninety-nine percent of the population, the darker it gets the more incomprehensible those letters, numbers, and symbols get.

I hear that annoying as hell cuckoo clock begin to chime. “Cock-a-doodle-do! Cock-a-doodle-do!” Twelve times it chimes. I know that isn’t right. I know the clock is running fast. I know I should get it fixed, but I haven’t the faintest idea where I could take that damn clock to get that done. It’s one of the many perils of buying things online. That and accidentally buying a cuckoo clock that sounds like Danny DeVito. Here’s a helpful hint: Do not buy anything from a seller named “xXALWAYSSUNNYFAN420Xx”.

Here’s Robin now. Hello sugarlumps. Yes, I waited up for you and attempted to make a romantic dinner for you. I failed but at least we have wine, Ritz crackers, and more wine. That’s romantic right?

What? Yes I did burn the lasagna. There’s something else burning? Oh. Oh damn. I thought it was bright in here. I guess those candles you bought at my mother’s candle party aren’t completely worthless. They set that failtastic romantic banner on fire. Perhaps next time I’ll slather it with onions. Those are flame retardant, right?

What’s that? Oh. I love you too Robin. Happy Valentine’s Day. How would you kindly use that fire extinguisher to put out my hair?

I Am Not Kidding About This

There are very few Republican ideals that I agree with. One of those few ideals is the concept of limited government. That government should have a limited role in our everyday lives, and that while vigilant oversight is needed in many aspects of modern life, we don’t need the government watching over our shoulder ensuring that we do what is right. Utah is a heavily Republican state, but apparently Utah politicians do not believe in the concept of limited government. An argument can be made that this is manifest on Utah’s Amendment 3, which defined marriage as between a man and a woman, however a stronger argument can be made about a proclamation proposed in the current session of the Utah State Legislature by state senator, Wayne Niederhauser

New "Declaration of the Family Resolution" surfaces on Utah's capitol Hill

Quoting from the story linked above:
“Niederhause told ABC 4, "I think its good to periodically remind the public that the family is an important institution in the fabric of society."

And Niederhausder's resolution does so using very emphatic language.

Here some excerpts:

"...the sovereignty...of Utah is built upon the family unit."

"…the family is the source of all that is of benefit to humankind."

and "…the family encompasses the workmanship of the Creator..."”