Red Review: Catherine

Red Review: Catherine

We here at The Redertainment Corporation Of America are proud to present our first ever dating show. Cleverly, we have chosen to call this show "The Dating Show". And now, The Dating Show.

It's time for The Dating Show, where viewers and audience members seek dating advice from our host, Warren Steed Jeffs. And now, the host of the show, Warren Jeffs.

Warren enters the set and stands to deliver a message to the audience.

Warren Steed Jeffs- Hello, my followers. I am Warren Steed Jeffs, prophet, seer, and revelator of the Fundamentalist Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. I am the Lord's only emissary on the Earth.

Warren takes a seat on one of the chairs on the set.

Warren Steed Jeffs- My first guest is Vincent. Vincent Brooks is a 32 year old office worker. He joins us from his home via Skype.

Vincent appears on a video screen opposite Warren.

Warren Steed Jeffs- Hello, my son.
Vincent Brooks- Hi.
Warren Steed Jeffs- What troubles you, my son.
Vincent Brooks- I'm having trouble with my girlfriend, Katherine. You see, my girlfriend has been dropping hints about wanting to get married.
Warren Steed Jeffs- That is understandable. The desire to become bound to another man in holy marriage is something deeply ingrained in God approved culture.
Vincent Brooks- Right, but there's another woman, also named Catherine.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Another Catherine. Intriguing. Go on.
Vincent Brooks- Anyway, I met Catherine, the younger one, in a bar over drinks.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Lemonade, I presume?
Vincent Brooks- Something I bit stronger than lemonade, Warren. Anyway, we started taking and getting closer to one another, and I'm waking up with her next to me in bed.
Warren Steed Jeffs- I've seen situations like this before. When one engages in the consumption of alcoholic beverages, the lose touch with the Holy Spirit. When one loses touch with the Holy Spirit, one can engage in many acts that the Lord has told us is impure and against his teachings.
Vincent Brooks- Well, now I have a problem.
Warren Steed Jeffs- As well you should, heathen.
Vincent Brooks- Now I'm stuck in a love triangle.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Love triangle? What is that?
Vincent Brooks- It's where you are juggling two girls at the same time.
Warren Steed Jeffs- I see no problem. I personally am in a love heptagon.
Vincent Brooks- Well, neither of the girls know of one another.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Ah, that is a problem.
Vincent Brooks- Also, I've been having these weird dreams where I have to climb to the top of a very difficult block puzzle.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Is this block puzzle any more difficult than evading the police while being one of the FBI's Ten Most Wanted Criminals?
Vincent Brooks- No, but I'm concerned about the puzzle itself. I'm concerned that if I don't reach the top of the puzzle, or die along the way, I'm concerned that I'll die in the dream, and thereby die in real life.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Such concerns are rife among the heathens.
Vincent Brooks- Now I don't know what to do. I need some help.

Warren thinks for a moment, folds his hands in front of his face, then begins to speak.

Warren Steed Jeffs- Vincent, my son, let me ask you this question.
Vincent Brooks- What is it?
Warren Steed Jeffs- Have you instructed your girlfriends on how they should maintain themselves so that they can sexually please you?

There is a short pause as this question is very odd to Vincent.

Vincent Brooks- Excuse me?
Warren Steed Jeffs- Have you instructed your girlfriends on-
Vincent Brooks- No, I heard you, I just don't quite understand what you mean.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Let me explain. Even among the heathen class that Vincent and his girlfriends belong to, sexual gratification is integral to any relationship. Such gratification is the obligation of the woman. If the woman or women does not sexually gratify her husband, how is the relationship supposed to endure? However, it is not only the woman or women who must play a role in the maintenance of gratification, the man must also play a role. Men must teach his woman or women how to please him in a sexual context, that way sexual gratification can be constantly maintained. The man must teach his woman or women how to groom themselves. How, where, and how often to shave body hair, in particular which patterns the man wishes to see in the body hair of his woman for women. Also, what kinds of clothes the woman or women should wear under the spiritual attire that women are prescribed to wear in public. There are many other aspects of of a woman or women's life that a man, as her spiritual companion and overlord, must impress upon her. Do you understand now, Vincent.

Vincent is visibly disgusted by what Warren has just said.

Vincent Brooks- You are a sick man, Warren.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Please, call me prophet.
Vincent Brooks- What you have just said undermines the very independence that every woman should have.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Where in the Lord's teachings does it say that a woman should be independent?
Vincent Brooks- Would you argue otherwise?
Warren Steed Jeffs- I do not, the Lord does. And as the Lord's one and only emissary on Earth, I know what teachings the Lord wished to be known to the world.
Vincent Brooks- I think you are a sick pervert, who is obsessed with controlling women for the purposes of having unlimited sexual encounters with them.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Many heathens think that way about me and my collection of child brides.
Vincent Brooks- What- child brides? God, why did I come on this show.

The video feed abruptly cuts off.

Warren Steed Jeffs- It appears that the video feed from Vincent has been cut off. Just as well, this heathen was beginning to infect the audience with his satanic message. Well, that's all for the show today. I am Warren Steed Jeffs, prophet, seer, and revelator for the world, reminding you that the one thing you never do is stop praying and obeying. You never stop keeping sweet. See you next time on The Dating Show.

The lights begin to dim on the stage as Warren stands up from his chair as walks off stage.


Catherine: B+

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