The scene begins with a darkened stage, illuminated only by the flashing lights on a platform. As the stage lights go up two men are revealed to be sitting on a platform. The setting is very much inspired by a 70’s era game show. This is even further established by one of the men wearing a leisure suit. The two men are Hunter Red, he is the one in the leisure suit, and US Treasure Secretary Timothy Gheitner, he is dressed in a dull gray suit. As the host of the show, Hunter Red takes the lead.
Hunter- Hello and welcome to the 357.5 Trillion Dollar Question, brought to you by the Redertainment Corporation Of America and by British Petroleum. British Petroleum, we don’t have more money than God, we are God. Our contestant tonight is Timothy Geithner. Mr. Geithner is the current Treasure Secretary for the United States and his hobbies include rearranging his sock drawer and watching paint dry. Timothy, nice to have you here.
Timothy- I too find it pleasurable to be in this location currently.
Hunter- All right then. Now, I’m going to go over the rules of the game before we begin. I am going to give you a series of five questions. You only have to answer one of them to win the prize. Do you understand Mr. Geithner?
Timothy- Affirmative.
Hunter- And now here is Robin Anderson with our prize. Robin.
Robin- (Off camera in a fake female announcer’s voice) Our prize tonight is a onetime payout totaling 357.5 Trillion Dollars. This prize is brought to you tonight by British Petroleum. British Petroleum, Using gas from Chevron? You suck!
Hunter- Thank you Miss Anderson. Mr. Geithner, you know the rules, you know the prize, you know the game, are you ready to play?
Timothy- Affirmative.
Hunter- No, I said, ARE YOU READY!
Timothy- Affirmative.
Hunter- Let’s play the game!
An overblown light display is triggered, eventually ending in a bright spotlight being shown on the platform with Hunter and Timothy sitting on it.
Hunter- Okay, Question One: What is something interesting to do on a Saturday night.
Timothy thinks for a second and says-
Timothy- Sitting down upon a chair made of leathered bovine skin and reading a book about the evolution of the double-entry accounting practice.
A buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.
Hunter- No, Timothy, that is wrong. There are many answers that would have been correct, however the answer you have is not among them. But don’t worry, you still have four questions left to win the prize. Are you ready for the next question?
Timothy- Affirmative.
Hunter- Let’s play the game!
The overblown light display is triggered again, ending in the game spotlight as before.
Hunter- Question Two: It’s Friday night and you want to see a movie. What is the most interesting movie to see?
Timothy thinks for a second and says-
Timothy- Swamp Women
A buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.
Hunter- No. The question was not “What movie should you turn on to induce sleep”, it was “What is the most interesting movie to see?” Is that understood?
Timothy- Affirmative.
Hunter- Well, don’t worry, you still have three questions left to win the prize. Are you ready for question three?
Timothy- Affirmative.
Hunter- Let’s play the game!
The overblown light display is triggered again, ending the same way as before.
Hunter- Question Three: You are wanting to go out and see an interesting musical concert. You can choose any musical act in the world. Which musical act do you choose to see an interesting concert?
Timothy doesn’t hesitate and says-
Timothy- Creed.
A buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.
Hunter- No. There are many right answers to that question. U2, Nine Inch Nails, Amanda Palmer, The Sounds, these are just some of them. Creed is definitely not among them.
Timothy- Utterance expressing depression.
Hunter- Don’t be depressed, you still have two questions left to win the prize. Are you ready?
Timothy- Affirmative.
Hunter- Let’s play the game!
The overblown light display is triggered, AGAIN.
Hunter- Question Four: You and your friends want to go see a sporting event. You want to go see a sport that is INTERESTING. What do you choose to see?
Timothy thinks for a second then says-
Timothy- A playoff game for my local Major League Soccer franchise.
A buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.
Hunter- No. No, Timothy, no! Do you even know what the word “interesting” means?
Timothy- Affirmative.
Hunter- I doubt it. Well, Timothy, you have one question left or else you will fail to win the prize. Are you ready?
Timothy- Affirmative.
Hunter- No, I said ARE YOU READY!
Timothy- Affirmative.
Hunter- Lets play the game!
The overblown light display is triggered for what is thankfully the last time.
Hunter- Question Five: Timothy, name something interesting.
Timothy thinks for a second and says-
Timothy- Sand.
A bell signifying a correct answer sounds. The audience watching begins to cheer, until-
Hunter- Wait, wait, wait a minute. Sand.
Timothy- Affirmative.
Hunter- Sand?
Timothy- Affirmative.
Hunter- What kind of sand?
Timothy- Dry sand.
Hunter- Dry sand doing what?
Timothy- Nothing of particular noteworthiness. I just derive pleasure from viewing indeterminate collections of dry sand.
Hunter and Timothy stare at each other for a second. Then a buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.
Hunter- Nope, wrong answer Mr. Gheitner. Sand, in that context, is in no way interesting. It pains me to say this, but you have lost out on the prize.
Timothy- Utterance expressing depression.
Hunter- Yes, losing 357.5 Trillion Dollars is truly depressing. Well, that’s all the time we have here on The 357.5 Trillion Dollar Question. I’m Hunter Red reminding you to show that you care about the one you truly care about. Spay or neuter your reality television stars. Goodnight America.
The lights fade to black on the stage as the end credits begin to roll.
THE END
Have I Annoyed You Yet?
Did you know the Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards are coming on January 3rd, 2010? You can participate in this award show by submitting your nominations to me by December 15th. Also, I released two books this year. The Hawk and The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust are both available for free at Redetainment.com. Plug, plug, plug.
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