Hunter- Good evening and welcome to The Red Interview. I am your host Hunter Red. This week on The Red Interview we are pleased to welcome Dr. James Ulrich. Dr. Ulrich is a physician at the Kinneas Orthopedic Center and is a specialist in knee, hip, and foot joint related issues. Dr. Ulrich, thanks for coming here today.
James- It is my pleasure.
Hunter- In 2008, shortly after his win at the US Open, famed golfer Tiger Woods underwent surgery to deal with a fractured leg and a number of different issues involving his knee. At the time of the surgery the need for such an operation was attributed to years of stress related to playing golf. Recently it has come to light that Mr. Woods has had a great deal of sexual relationships with many various persons other than his wife, Elen. Dr. Ulrich, do you feel Tiger Woods knee would have held out longer into his career if he hadn’t been screwing a ton of women across the world?
James- There are two variables at play when addressing that question. The first is-
Hunter- Wait, wait, wait. You are seriously going to answer that question?
James- Are you seriously asking me that question?
Hunter- Yes, but I expected you, upon hearing that question, to storm out in disgust.
James- Mr. Red, you asked me here to give my professional opinion about a topic and I am ready to give that opinion.
Hunter- Allright.
James- Also you are paying me.
Hunter- Okay, gotcha. Please go on.
James- Like I was saying, there are two variables at play when addressing that question. The first is frequency, how often Mr. Woods was engaging in sexual activity. We can’t answer that question to a certainty, but given his high amount of mistresses and report that one of his mistresses may be a Madame in the world of prostitution, I would say the frequency of sexual activity would be high.
Hunter- How high?
James- Anywhere from weekly to bi-weekly.
Hunter- That is high.
James- For a married man, yes, but compared to the average single person, that rate is low by comparison.
Hunter- So frequency is one of the variables. What is the other one?
James- The other is which position Mr. Woods utilizes when he engages in sexual activity. Again, we don’t know this for a certainty, but depending on which position one uses when engaging in sexual intercourse, the pressure and stress exerted on the hips, knees, and foot joint can vary widely.
Hunter- Can you give me some examples?
James- Certainly. When utilizing the missionary position, depending on the source of the power in the thrusting motions and how he braces himself, a lot of pressure can be put on the knees of the man. By comparison, the cowgirl or the reverse cowgirl puts little to no stress on the knee joints but does put quite a bit of strain on the joints in the hips and lower back. Finally, if Mr. Woods was standing while he was engaging in sexual relations, stress would have been put on the hips, knees, and foot joints. Just how much stress depends on the power Tiger puts into his thrusting motions, plus the weight of Mr. Woods and whichever of his many mistresses he was engaging in sexual relations with at the time.
Hunter- Wow, Dr. Ulrich, you seem to know a lot about the impact that sex has on the joints.
James- I wrote my doctoral thesis on that subject.
Hunter- Are there any other variables that may have had an impact on how long Timer Woods’s knees would have held out before needing surgery.
James- Yes, duration. The length of time it would have taken for Mr. Woods to achieve sexual gratification would have impacted the amount of stress that would have been inflicted on Mr. Woods’s joints.
Hunter- How so?
James- With most men, the more frequently they achieve sexual gratification, the longer it takes them to achieve that gratification. However, if a man is stuck with the unfortunate malady that is premature ejaculation, the stress that comes through sexual intercourse is greatly reduced.
Hunter- Almost zero.
James- Yes.
Hunter- So Mr. Woods’s sexual escapades could have had a tremendous impact on the health of his knees.
James- I can’t say that for a certainty, as detailed knowledge of Mr. Woods’s sexual history is not available to me. This is the way it should be seeing as this is a private matter and I am not Mr. Woods’s personal physician. However, all signs that have been revealed in the past couple of weeks points to yes.
Hunter- Well, thank you Dr. Ulrich for your time. That appears to be all the time we have for The Red Interview for this week. Thanks to Dr. James Ulrich for his insight into this matter and for sitting through this entire interview. I am Hunter Red reminding you that there are no angels, just people who are into religious role play. See you next time.
News From 2021
Atlantis is an undersea city that is the stuff of legend. Many treasures hunters and adventures have searched for this city in vain. Now one country is set to make the city of Atlantis a reality. That country is Vanuatu.
Vanuatu is a small island located in the South Pacific Ocean. The population of Vanuatu has been dwindling in recent years due to the steadily rising Pacific Ocean. Those left living in Vanuatu dwell in air tight structures specially designed to survive being submerged in salt water. However many industries have left Vanuatu as its total population no longer can support an active workforce. Now the president of Vanuatu has taken a bold step to save his poor, water logged, formerly island paradise.
President Steven Gnasu has announced a plan to draw tourists to his undersea country. Pres. Gnasu announced Vanuatu is to completely change itself to mirror the mythical city of Atlantis. This includes changing the name, flag, and many of the countries structures to appear to be from that mythical realm. Said Pres. Gnasu of this move, “The world squandered an opportunity to save our island country by capping carbon emissions and stopping the rise of the world’s oceans in the early years of this century. I will not let another opportunity to save Vanuatu pass us by. I’d have preferred this day not come but we aren’t going to make anything better by standing around and talking.”
The move to change Vanuatu to Atlantis is expected to take place after the tallest building in Vanuatu, the People’s Bank of Vanuatu building, is completely submerged. Vanuatu’s move effectively ends similar moves being rumored to take place in Guam, Samoa, and the US state of Hawaii.
VGA/MTV WTF?
At the 2009 Spike Video Game Awards many questions were answered. However, one question that arose during the event has yet to be addressed: Why the fuck was the cast of Jersey Shore there?
Jersey Shore is a show on MTV that follows the lives of a collection of douchebags and douchebaggets as they live their douchebag lives in the east coast Mecca of douchebaggery, the Jersey Shore. Jersey Shore became popular after being featured on E’s The Soup and after Domino’s Pizza pulled their advertising from the show. None of what I just stated explains what the fuck these people were doing at the VGAs.
Viacom is a media company that owns a great many things. Viacom is responsible for inflicting upon the world The Hills, Mind Of Mencia, and Jersey Shore. Viacom also owns Spike TV, Gametrailers.com, and the Spike Video Game Awards. So there is a connection between Jersey Shore and the VGAs. However, none of that explains what the fuck these people were doing at the VGAs.
President of MTV Networks Roger Sterling said of Jersey Shore, “We learned from Spencer Pratt of The Hills that douchebags draw viewers big time. So it’s only natural that we create a show where all the characters are douchebags.” When asked why the cast of Jersey Shore was on the Spike Video Game Awards, Roger Sterling said, “I needed to give them something to do. I was tired of them calling my office asking if I wanted to workout.”
So there you have it, a reason why the cast of Jersey Shore was at the VGAs: They were annoying Roger Sterling. The 2009 Spike Video Game Awards were a great event, save one black mark that Mike Tyson could have easily knocked into oblivion. And by oblivion I don’t mean Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, I mean a dark desolate place where no one can get out of, also known as Michael Jackson’s Play Room.
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