Recently, a video was posted on the website of Virginian-Pilot featuring Owen Paul Honors, Jr. saying and doing things that many people find to be obscene. Honors was the Commander of the USS Enterprise, set to depart for Afghanistan shortly. This publication has reached out to several former Commanders of the USS Enterprise for their reactions to this story.
When reached for comment, Chris Pine said:
"What? What are you asking me for? You know I'm an actor, right?"
Patrick Stewart gave the following statement:
"Please, watch American Dad. It no longer sucks!"
Finally, William Shatner was heard to say:
"Blueberries."
Leakers And The People With Similar Sounding Names
On January 3rd, reports surfaced of pictures of the yet to be released Nintendo 3DS being released online. Hidden in these reports was a statement from Nintendo saying that they are searching for the person who leaked these photos. There are very few things in any of these photos that can be tied to any one person. One of these things is contained in this photo:
The object in this photo that can be tied to a specific person is the mousepad. The lettering on the mousepad reads "Property Of Masaki". There are two conclusions that can be drawn from this. 1: The mousepad is property of Masaki Corporation and was stolen from this company either by a current/former employee or another person who entered into Masaki Corporation's property. 2: This mousepad is the property of a person with the first name of Masaki and the last name is cut off in this picture. In my investigation into this matter, I decided to pursue the latter.
The Nintendo 3DS is being manufactured by Lanta Tablet Co LTD in a facility located in Zhengzhou in mainland China. In the city of Zhengzhou, and the surrounding areas, there are three people with the first name of Masaki. I managed to find all three of these people.
Masaki Yamada is a delivery man for Landa Tablet Co LTD. He lives in a house with his wife, three kids, and dog Vegeta. When I visited the Yamada home, I found Masaki's mother. She informed me that Masaki was currently in the hospital because of an incident that happened earlier that week.
I visited Yamada in the hospital. He looked like he had been beaten severely. His wife and two girls were in tears. Yamada's son looked to be holding himself together, but only just barely. I asked Yamada's wife what had happened. She told me that two men in green suits and green helmets entered their home and beat Mr. Yamada with large hammers.
After leaving Masaki Yamada, I sought out Masaki Kusanagi. Mr. Kusanagi is a supervisor at Lanta Tablet Co LTD. He lives in a relatively large apartment with his wife and three cats, Aoi, Miyabi, and Taeko. I had hoped to find Kusanagi in a better state than I had Yamada. I didn't.
I found Kusanagi at the Gabu Psychiatric Facility. He was not an employee at that facility. In talking with his doctor, Dr. Ando, he told me that Kusanagi was found by his wife sitting in his chair, rambling incoherently, and clutching an object. Dr. Ando said that Kusanagi was brought to the facility, evaluated, and was found to be in a state of rage inducing paranoia. The doctor said that the only thing that seemed to calm Kusanagi down was the object.
After speaking with Dr. Ando, I went to see the man I had been searching for. Kusanagi was in his bed, under heavy sedation with restraints keeping him in bed, still wide awake. Kusanagi's eyes were transfixed on the object that was sitting on the table next to him. This was the object that was presumably keeping Kusanagi in a well mannered state. This is a picture of the object.
Finally, I set out to find the last man on my list. Masaki Bajidu is an assembly line worker for Lanta Tablet Co LTD who lives alone in his small apartment with his collection of manga. When I started looking for him, Lanta Tablet Co LTD told me that he hadn't shown up for work in several days. Out of concern, I checked for him at the hospital and the psychiatric facility I had found Kusanagi in. He hadn't checked in at either of those places. The next place I checked was Masaki Bajidu's home.
I asked Bajidu's landlord if she had seem him recently. She told me that Bajidu hadn't been out of his apartment in a couple of days, but that she was still sure he was in his apartment. When I asked why, the landlord said because his TV was still on.
The landlord let me into Bajidu's apartment after I convinced her I was his long lost half cousin. Upon opening the door to the apartment the smell of hot, muggy death hit me. I mentally prepared myself for the worst. I stepped into Bajidu's apartment, tiptoed my way around the empty soda cans, fast food containers, discarded fruit peels, dishes covered with dried condiments and flies, and other assorted food related garbage, in the direction of the sound of the television. The television, and the lord boorish characters that were playing on it, served as a beacon to help me find the first place I thought Bajidu might be.
I got to the television and recognized what was playing on it. It was Futurama- Season 3- Episode 18- Anthology of Interest II, the episode where Bender, the robot, gets turned into a human then turns himself into a giant human who, in no short matter of time, dies. I turned off the television displaying the obese Bender then looked to the other side of the room where I saw a real life equivalent of the obese Bender.
I recoiled in horror at the sight of the obese man who had, in all probability, grown larger than the sofa he was sitting on. The man looked as if he hadn't moved in weeks. nor could if he wanted to. After catching my breath I asked the massive pile of flesh that sat before me, "Who are you?"
Slowly, as if the act of speaking had grown laborious, the mass said, "Please, no more."
Stepping closer to the mass, I said, "Are you Masaki Bajidu?"
"You know who I am, and the fate you and your masters have consigned me to."
"Please, Bajidu, I'm not here to hurt you. I'm a reporter, I'm investigating a story. Tell me, what happened?"
Bajidu, if in fact this was Bajidu, seemed to be unconvinced. "Have you no hear? Have you no soul? You subject me to torture, you subject me to eating, eating anything and everything you could imagine a person waiting. You subject me to this, then ask me to recount it?"
I was shocked by what Bajidu has said. "I'm sorry, I-"
"Fuck you." Bajidu attempted to lurch forward as if to attack me. "Fuck you. You go back to Kirby and tell him the truth. I didn't take those pictures. I did nothing!" Bajidu's declaration of innocence resonated throughout his tiny trash filled apartment.
As I walked away from Bajidu's apartment, I did so at a faster pace than normal. I maintained this pace as I gathered my things, went to the airport, and made my way home. I did this for the reason I will impart to you now: Don't mess with Nintendo. Do not anger Nintendo. Do not antagonize Nintendo. Do not even draw Nintendo's attention. If you do, they will find you. The will silence you. They will end you. Even if they have to go through several people to do so. Do NOT mess with Nintendo.
The Red Interview- Tom Tomorrow
On a raised, lighted platform, two figures, pictured below, sit on chairs in front of an full audience. There is a screen behind them displaying several images, none of which are of note at first.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Good evening, and welcome to The Red Interview. I am Julia Diana Bobbi. My guest tonight is Tom Tomorrow. Mr. Tomorrow is a cartoonist, responsible for This Modern World, appearing in ninety newspapers across the US and Canada, as well as the cover for Pearl Jam's Backspacer CD. Mr. Tomorrow, it's great to have you here.
Tom Tomorrow- Thank you for having me.
Julia Diana Bobbi- I wanted to ask you about this cartoon that you produced this week.
The screen behind Julia and Tom shows this cartoon:
Julia Diana Bobbi- Would it be right for me to assume that this was a response to the tragic shooting of Congresswoman Giffords, as well as the death of six people in that same shooting?
Tom Tomorrow- Well, it's more a response to the rhetoric that I heard come out of the media in the hours and days after that shooting, in particular the response from the right.
Julia Diana Bobbi- There are people who have criticized you for this cartoon.
Tom Tomorrow- Such as yourself?
Julia Diana Bobbi- No, I mean writer for The Redertainment Corporation Of America Hunter Red. He said, "I feel it is inappropriate for anyone to make any conclusions in response to this incident. We simply don't have enough information about the suspect in this case to draw such conclusions. I am suspicious of anyone who draws such conclusions at this point, particularly people in the media." How do you respond to such criticism?
Tom Tomorrow- I don't know how that relates to me.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, I didn't at first either, untill Hunter showed me this.
The screen behind Julia and Tom changes to this:
Julia Diana Bobbi- This cartoon, done in response to the 7/7 attacks in London, supersede political differences, and expresses a belief that is shared across the political spectrum. Wouldn't a similar message, in response to this and any other tragedy, be preferable to a partisan message?
Tom thinks for a minute.
Tom Tomorrow- I don't quite know how to respond to that. It's a feeling I, and many of my other colleagues, have in response to these events.
Julia Diana Bobbi- That is understandable. Well, that's all the time we have for The Red Interview. I am Julia Diana Bobbi. Goodnight.
END SCENE
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment