Frighten
The Corporations!!!
On
Monday, a story broke that a person that had bought Mass Effect 3 and played
through to it's much discussed ending filed a complaint against Electronic Arts
with the Federal Trade Commission. This development has caused further
discussion about the role of gamers as consumers and whether they have a right
to complain about the endings of games.
Personally, I think that gamers are totally within their rights to
complain about the endings of media properties in this manner. Sure we could complain about banks being
stingy with credit, politicians passing laws that do not solve the underlying
problems of our society, and religious figures having an undue influence over
the political process, but this is something that we can actually do something
about. When media companies hear the
cries of their consumers, they act. Banks, politicians, and the
clergy could give a rat's ass about what anyone else thinks.
This
stance about filing complaints about the ending of media properties has lead me
to file a formal complaint with the Federal Trade Commission over the
following:
The
ending of the series finale of The Sopranos.
Cut this to black!
The
ending of the series finale of Seinfeld.
Send this to jail!
The
ending of the series finale of Lost.
Limbo this!
The
ending of the series finale of Newhart.
Wake up in bed with this!
The
ending of the series finale of St. Elsewhere.
Stare into a snowglobe with this world in it!
The
ending of the play Romeo and Juliet.
Commit suicide in eachother's arms with this!
The
ending of the trilogy of Lord Of The Rings movies. Make me fall asleep to this!
The
ending of the book The Hawk. Walk away
from this!
The
ending of the movie The Crying Game.
Drop your pants and reveal you have this!
The
ending of Brett Favre's career. End your
career in Minnesota with this!
The
ending of the original version of the
NHL franchise the Winnipeg Jets.
Move to Phoenix with this!
The
ending of the arcade game Pacman. Go all
glitchy with this!
The
ending of my dinner from Wednesday night.
Julienne this with roast beef and rice!
Your
Profits Look Like Tyrion Lannister Compared To Mine!
On Thursday,
a story broke about the profits GameStop earned in the past year. GameStop's total global sales reached $9.55
billion for the fiscal year 2011, a "modest increase" from the same
period last year, in which the company reported "all-time high"
revenues of $9.47 billion. This story,
and the description of profits of this size as being "modest", has
earned a round of mocking from the gaming public being delivered toward
GameStop, the likes of which had not been seen against this retailer since
Wednesday. Apart from the derision
delivered to GameStop, this story evoked a unique response from one of the
biggest corporations in the world. This
response was not from Best Buy, Toys R Us, or one of the other video game
retailers that compete against GameStop.
This response was delivered by Exxon.
Exxon
CEO, Rex Tillerson, distributed the following statement to news organizations
on Thursday:
"On
Thursday, we caught wind of the modest profits that GameStop has seen in the
previous year. While an increase of
$339.9 million over the past year is nice, we at Exxon ask that GameStop get
that weak shit out of here. $339.9
million? In a year? HA! We
made $339.9 million yesterday! Are you
fucking kidding me? You think total
profits of $9.55 billion is an achievement?
That's just a start for us.
That's just weak sauce for us! Do
you know how much money we have in our banks just waiting for us to spend
it? $57,394,758,397,679,309,854.01 Yeah!
How do you like me now! You didn't
think that much money existed in the world, did ya! Well it does, bitch! We not only have more money than God, we
bought God three years ago! Exxon is
your God now, bitch! You betta
recognize! So before you think that
$339.9 million is an achievement, just remember, Exxon made that much money in
the time it took you to read this statement.
Bitch!"
In
response to this statement, GameStop CEO J. Paul Raines was found sitting in
his shower crying.
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