MGS 4: Second Impressions

I usually do my laundry once a month. It's not because I'm lazy, I have a ton on clothes and I live alone. When I do have to do my laundry it takes all weekend, which prevents me from running to the store and buying some weak ass Utah porn. However, last weekend I got sick. I knew I was sick when I pulled over to the side of the road to throw up. This caused me to postpone my monthly laundry weekend, as well as add some bed linens to the chore.

However, I needed clothes, desperately. I was reduced to wearing the panties my friend got me when she thought I was gay. I didn't like the insinuation that I cross dress, but I did like the fit. I figured that i could do my laundry throughout the week, during the time I had set aside for playing Metal Gear Solid 4: Obscenely Long Subtitle. I usually don't like doing two things at once, but I figured it was time to live up to my New Year's Resolution of being less lazy.

I had just finished the second act of MGS4:OLS and paused the cinema just at the beginning to start another load. After starting the dryer, loading the washer, adjusting the temperature, adding fabric softener, and folding what I has just dried, I sat down and restarted the cinema. I could still hear the hum of the washer as characters were going on about things that would spoil the plot of the game. Then a peculiar thing happened, the hum stopped. The washer had stopped and I needed to start another load. So, I paused the cinema and-

That's right, cinemas in Metal Gear Solid 4: Tactical Espionage Action: Guns Of The Patriots lasts longer that it takes to do a load of laundry. Somehow, I'm not surprised.

MGS 4 First Impressions

There's an activity that is still (barely) legal that I engage in on rare ocassions. I engage in this activity after concerts, sporting events, mixers, or even when I just need to relax. Sometimes this activity involves other people. Yes, ladies, gentlemen, and everybody else, I engage in the highly taboo act of smoking.


Now, I don't smoke marijuana. It's not because I think it's wrong, I live in Utah and I don't know where to find a hookup. No, I smoke a plant that is more destructive, addictive, and pointless, tobacco. I hit up my local smoke shop, find a cigar that looks the most like a black man's penis, pay the hippie behind the counter, and go along my merry way. I know most people think it's wrong, but if I followed along with what everybody thought was right, I'd be aggressively searching for some Mary Jane to make myself happy.


Before I started playing Metal Gear Solid 4: Obscenely Long Subtitle the last time I has smoked was June 16th after I attended Monday Night Raw. I nearly got in three accidents, spilled ash on myself, and burned myself with my butane lighter. It was almost worth it. The next time I had planned was on September 3rd, after I communed with my lord and savior. That was until last Monday, when I started playing MGS 4:OLS. I cleared out my whole afternoon, got my popcorn, Coke, and settled in for the long ass install, followed by a long ass opening cinema. However what I got was a surprisingly short install. It took only eight minutes, not the length of a episode of Coupling as I had been lead to believe. So I was treated to, not a recap or behind the scenes video, instead to eight minutes of Old Snake smoking.

Now I smoke two packs a day and have this growing black thing in the back of my thought. Damn you Old Snake.

Fable 2 AO?

In the wake of the organization Mothers Against Drunk Driving calling for Grand Theft Auto 4 being re-rated AO another lesser known organization has been making waves in the gaming industry. The American Association Of Cynophobia has called for the yet to be released game Fable 2 to be rated AO with the rating descriptor "Intimidating Animals".

The AAOC is calling for this rating because of the "persistent possibility of possible canine assault" because of the dog that follows your character throughout the game experience. AAOC President Stephen King said, "Dogs are crazy animals. They can go nuts at any time. Look out behind you!" When it was revealed the thing he was warning me about was a kid imitating a dog, Stephen said, "Stay here. I'll get my gun."

The AAOC's actions may have been spurred by long time member Hunter Red. Upon first viewing of the Fable 2 videos from GDC, Mr. Red's comments were "OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!! There's a fucking dog on the screen! Look out!" When told to shut up, Hunter responded, "Fine! When a virtual dog is ravaging my real life corpse, you can explain to people why you didn't take me seriously!"

It in unknown what Lionhead Studios' response will be, however an achievement has been leaked for the game. The achievement is called "Entirely Avoided Being Cujoed".

The War on Haloism

On November 15, 2001, combat operations began in the conflict known as "The War on Haloism". In the initial push, over five million soldiers fought valiantly and successfully for their general, Gen. Jacob Keyes, and President Harold Ryan.


On May 1, 2003, President Ryan declared that "Major combat operations were over. Hurray!" Boy was he wrong. In fact, it was the beginning of the conflict that would define Ryan's Presidency.


After years of being held apart by the fanatical dictators Robin Atkin Downes, Hamilton Camp, and Michael Wincott, the long standing conflict between the two most prominent ethnic groups, The Reds and The Blues, erupted in levels unforeseen by the Ryan Administration. This conflict has pitted brother against brother, sister against sister, and n00bs against the p0wned. Despite the efforts of great military minds like Joel Goldsmith, Gabe Newell, and Gary Dale, this conflict still rages on, claiming the lives of an estimated 14.2 million fanboys.


To help lessen the violence, top UNSC officials have instituted a number of strategies to keep troop levels high. This includes lowering entry standards, offering better benefits, and a controversial practice known as "stop loss". This practice has fueled protests against The War on Haloism, the Ryan Administration, and the so called "Microsoft Agenda".


One veteran of The War on Haloism, who only wants to be indentified as "John 117", described his USNC service to me. "I thought after the first go around I'd be done. However, because of the so called "phenomenal success" I had the first time, I was put back in the field a second time. The conflict was different the second time around, but not necessarily better. By the end of my second tour I was left in a lurch. I didn't know who I was or what my future held for me. I did know one thing, a third tour was inevitable. On September 25, 2007, I shipped out for my third tour. The third tour was much better. I don't know if it was because of the injection of more soldiers, or the new tools available to me, but the fight was, at least for me, a more pleasurable experience. I keep on hearing rumors that I'll be called on again to serve a fourth tour. As great as my experience was the third time, a fourth tour might be a bit much. I've lost a lot of friends along the way, but, all in all, I think i've grown as a person out there. I just hope when this all ends, my girlfriend Cortana is just as hot as I remember her.


It is unknown just how The War on Haloism will play out. Even as the Red Vs. Blue conflict continues to rage on in perpetuity, the Ryan Administration is ramping up it's rhetoric for a new war. Although this was seems to have nothing to do with the original conflict, the Ryan Administration is, none the less, referring to this new conflict as "Halo Wars".