On Thursday, international news channel Al Jazeera aired another Al Qaeda propaganda tape. This tape featured an up to that point unknown Al Qaeda lieutenant. The State Department has identified this man as Aijavahuj Johnson, a former US citizen who moved to Afghanistan after his conversion to Islam in 1995.
Aijavahuj Johnson attended the prestigious Wang Institute and was well on his way to earning a Bachelor's Degree in Customer Service before his conversion. His father, Richard Johnson, gave a statement to the press saying, "It's just such a disappointment. He's supposed to be big and strong by now, but look. I swear it's never happened to me before." Aijavahuj's mother Flacyd Johnson said, "I'm thinking about trading him in for another younger one. For a long time, I've felt the urge to welcome a new Johnson into my life."
The State Department estimates Aijavahuj Johnson's video was made in early 2008 and was filmed near Tora Bora. Tora Bora is known as a Taliban hotspot, a crucial part of the Opium Trade, and the center of the growing Afghan porn industry. The video is entirely in Arabic, so the translation is patchy at best. What is clear is that in the video, Aijavahuj Johnson criticizes America and their eager consumption of bananas, sausages, and submarine sandwiches.
Thanks to clues hidden in the video and other intelligence obtained, Aijavahuj Johnson is expected to be captured in the coming days. A high level Pentagon official said that the intelligence for Mr. Johnson's capture was obtained "using methods that are not torturous and are totally legal... in Myanmar." The entire Bush administration is said to be elated with this development.
Still President Bush has been heard repeatedly saying "Aijavahuj Johnson" and chuckling lightly.
Dick Cheney was heard to say, "Soon the framework will be in place, and I will take my rightful place as ruler of this empire. Now, if only I could eliminate that young kid. The force is strong in those big ears."
Condoleezza Rice said "Aijavahuj Johnson? That's sounds vaguely dirty to me for some reason."
This reporter reached out to the Democrats for a comment on this story, however a message left at the office of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reed remains unanswered.
Pronouncing Key: Aijavahuj : Ai-jav-a-huj
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