A long held rumor has it that the next Tony Hawk game will feature a new skateboard peripheral. Many gamers reacted negatively to this rumor, but one segment of the gaming public may have a legitimate gripe. Today a formal protest to this peripheral was made known to the public. Tony Hawk has angered people in wheelchairs.
The American Wheelchair Bound Advocacy Group (AWBAG) has made known their objections to this proposed peripheral. AWBAG spokesman Jimmy Vulmer released the following statement. "A segment of the population of people who play video games is also wheelchair bound. If this peripheral is as integrated to the game as we are being led to believe, how are the wheelchair bound supposed to play it?"
In response Activision Blizzard CEO Robert Kotick said, "Oh shit. We hadn't thought of that. Fuck."
A release date for the Tony Hawk Adrenaline has yet to be announced, but expect a protest to occur on the same day. That is, unless, there is a flight of stairs in the way.
Lara Croft Model Shot By Pathetic Douche
Today, tragedy nearly befell the gaming world with the attempted assassination of Lara Croft. A crazed gunman, identified only as DSMaster25, fired five shots at Lara Croft model Alison Carroll while she was being ogled at by gaming journalists attempting to interview her.
Doug Stanhope, a writer for Larastits.com and witness to the attack, said, "I was lobbing her complex softball questions for the purpose of seeing Lara's chest go up and down, when all of a sudden I heard several shots ring out. I didn't see the assailant, as he was not either of Miss Croft's breasts, but I hope that guy burns in hell. This was my one chance to gizz in my pants in front of the real Lara, instead of a picture of her."
Stranger then Mr. Stanhope's account of the incident, is what DSMaster25 was reportedly saying during the incident. DSMaster25 is reported to have said, "I love you Seth Green." Why DSMaster25 said this is still a mystery. When informed of this, Mr. Green said, "Can you tell me how Miss Carroll's body was deformed? I want to make a sketch of this for Robot Chicken."
Eidos Interactive's CEO Phil Rogers just released a statement about this incident. "First of all, Miss Carroll is fine. She is in stable condition and expected to make a full recovery. Secondly, Lara Croft is fine. As Miss Croft is a fictional character, any attack on a person dressed like her will in no way actually affect her. The video games we put Lara in do more to kill her than anything the gaming public can do. By the way, is that on?"
While Mr. Rogers's statement is mostly accurate, one part of his statement is false, namely Miss Carroll's current physical state. While she will be making a complete medical recovery, the part of her body that bore the brunt of the attack is said to be in critical condition. Much effort will be made to save Allison Carroll's breasts, but doctors can only do so much.
Grand Theft Big Wheel: Monkey Bar Wars
The release of Grand Theft Auto IV: The Lost and Damned saw an uproar over the full frontal male nudity contained therein. While most groups are blasting Rockstar over this game, one group is blasting them over another project they're working on. The Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC) is criticizing Rockstar over an upcoming kids game.
Rockstar has been looking for some time to expand it's appeal and thereby increase it's market share and total revenues. To that end, Rockstar commissioned the development of Barnyard Adventures. In the game you take care of various barnyard animals in the hopes of winning first place ribbons at the State Fair. That apparently is where Rockstar ran afoul of the FVGAC, again.
FVGAC spokesman Ned Flanders said in a statement, "This game's blatant portrayal of cocks is simply disgusting. There are white cocks, black cocks, red cocks, even yellow cocks. There are cocks of all sizes in this game. Tall to short, skinny to fat, all kinds of cocks are represented here. It's sickening that this game is being made for children."
When asked about Mr. Flanders's comments, Rockstar Vice President Dan Houser said, "You have to be kidding me. You do realize that he's referring to the portion of the game where you take care of chickens, right? Male chickens who we always, always, refer to as "roosters", not "cocks". The FVGAC has gone into the realm of the absurd on this one."
In response to the response, Mr. Flanders said, "That guy is lying to you. Rockstar is wholly corrupt, you just have to see them through the righteous lens that is conservatism." When asked if that lens causes the world to be distorted in a way that makes nearly everything appear to be corrupt, Ned Flanders punched me in the face.
Rockstar's Barnyard Adventures is expected to be released on the Wii and DS in time for the start of school in the fall.
The Hawk by Hunter Red
Seriously people, read my book. My fragile ego is in desperate need of someone to tell me I'm good. My mom thinks it's good!
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