3D Realms, the studio behind Duke Nukem, has gone out of business. Sources inside 3D Realms has yet to confirm this, but we expect confirmation within the next few days.
Abstinence Only Sex-Ed Works*
After she was reveled to be the spokesperson for the Candie's Foundation, Bristol Palin was criticized for the message that she was espousing. Most of this criticism was centered around the fact that Miss Palin, a single mother brought up to believe in abstinence, was telling people that abstinence only sex-ed works. I'd like to put this controversy to rest right now. I believe that abstinence only sexual education works, in certain situations.
If you are a goofy looking, lower middle class, socially inept nerd, like the person pictured here:
abstinence only sexual education works.
However, if you are an attractive, outgoing, popular person with rich parents, like the person pictured here:
abstinence only sexual education does not work. This is because, unlike the person in the first example, people find this kind of person to be desirable. People actually want to have romantic relations with the kind of person in the second example, as opposed to being repulsed by the person in the first.
Most people who practice abstinence either have a lot of self will or do not follow that lifestyle willingly. Many of the people who practice abstinence have it thrust upon them by how frustratingly undesirable they are. These people also hate it when people who no nothing about having abstinence thrust upon them speak of the wonders of abstinence. It's like a white man talking about how horrible racism is.
The Redertainment Corporation of America encourages all people over the age of eighteen to experience the joys of sexual relations, NOW!
3D Realms Is Not Dead
A source inside 3D Realms has denied reports that the developer behind Duke Nukem has closed. A definitive statement to this effect is expected to come shortly.
A Brief Interlude
And now it's time for a brief musical break. Enjoy!
Props to Jaggz for that.
3D Realms Is Dead!
Despite recent reports to the contrary, an unconfirmed and anonymous source has stated that 3D Realms, the developer behind Duke Nukem and only Duke Nukem, has closed it's doors. A more extensive statement is expected to come soon.
NASA Transcript 5/17/09
On Sunday a stuck bolt nearly derailed repairs to the Hubble Space Telescope. It took brute strength from Mission Specialist Mike Massimino to release the bolt and move on in this critical project. Here now is the transcript of the exchange between Mision Control (ME) and Mr. Massimino (M) about this issue.
Massimino- Mission Control, this is Massimino, come in Mission Control.
Mission Control- This is Mission Control, Massimino.
M- Mission Control, I've encountered an issue regarding the repair of Hubble.
MC- Oh, is that what you're up there for?
M- Quit joking around, I'm being serious Mission Control.
MC- Massimino, Mission Control requesting details on the issue you've encountered.
M- There's a bolt.
MC- There are many bolts.
M- Confirmed, however this bolt is in a special state Mission Control.
MC- Mission Control requesting details of the bolt in question.
M- Mission Control, the damn bolt is stuck.
A Short Pause
MC- Massimino, repeat last transmission regarding the details of the bolt in question.
M- What, you didn't hear me the first time? The god damn bolt is stuck.
MC- Confirmed stuck bolt Massimino.
M- Mission Control, please advise on ways to rectify this problem.
MC- I don't think stick the bolt up your ass will help.
M- Massimino to Mission Control, will you kindly stop fucking around and advise me how to fix this god damn motherfucking problem!
MC- Mission Control to Massimino, did you try using a different tool?
M- You think I'd be calling you if I hadn't already tried that?
MC- Massimino, Mission Control advises the use of WD-40 to aid in this issue.
A Short Pause
MC- Missimino, can you confirm the receipt of your last transmission?
M- Mission Control, you dumb fucks didn't send us up with any WD-40, you idiots! Also, how is a compound that freezes in fucking space supposed to be of any help with this problem, you needle dicked assholes!
MC- Massimino, Mission Control acknowledges the impracticability of out last suggestion.
M- No fucking shit.
A Short Pause
M- Mission Control, what's your next bright idea, huh?
MC- Massimino, Mission Control advises that, given your reaction to out last idea, you probably won't like our current idea.
M- Well lay it on me numbsculls.
MC- Massimino, Mission Control advises that you give the bolt a good yank.
A Short Pause
MC- Massimino, can you confirm the receipt of our last transmission?
M- I've been yanking on this thing for half a fucking hour and-
MC- Hey, that's what your Mom said last night.
M- Mission Control, could you kindly pull your head out of your ass and provide me with a strategy that has half a fucking chance of fucking working!
MC- Mission Control to Massimino, be advised that if we had any better ideas-
M- You wouldn't have sent us up here on a dangerous mission with our only emergency option being a shuttle that's three days away.
MC- Mission Control to Massimino, get your narrow ass over there and yank on the damn bolt again.
M- Massimino to Mission Control, I'll try your dumbass idea.
Massimino again tries to release the stuck bolt. This time-
M- Massimino to Mission Control, I have an update on the status of the stuck bolt.
MC- Mission Control to Massimino, go forward with update.
M- I tried the strategy you advised to undertake.
MC- Mission Control to Massimino, and?
M- The bolt has now been released.
MC- See, our idea wasn't so bad, was it?
M- Massimino to Mission Control, go fuck yourselves.
MC- Mission Control to Massimino, confirmed fucking ourselves as we fuck your mother tonight.
M- Moving on to the next task.
THE END
Gamers Fall Into 3D Realms's Trap
Multiple reports have gone back and forth as to the fate of Duke Nukem developer 3D Realms. Insider sources, anonymous whistle blowers, industry pundits, and other persons have speculated reasons, motives, and the truth behind these reports. I believe this was exactly the point.
For a long time Duke Nukem and 3D Realms were essentially dead. We heard nothing from either of these cherished entities and both slipped into nostalgic memory. Then the most recent Duke Nukem Forever trailer was released. Criticism was abound about this game, the developers, and the franchise in general, but people were talking. Would it be a leap to say, rather than quell the criticism, 3D Realms set forth with a strategy to make talk about them now exponentially? I think not.
3D Realms: The studio that plays us all for suckers.
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1 comment:
Hoping for a 'Phoenix From the Ashes' scenario with this, myself.
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