Aries (March 21-April 19)
After emerging from a high level dungeon, you will find yourself with low health. You will give a member of your party a dose of Phoenix Down and trust that he will know what to do with it. You will die. The person you trusted the Phoenix Down to will have no idea what you just gave him. You will remain dead.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
In an attempt to be like Faith from Mirror's Edge, you will attempt to jump from the roof of a building, catch a pole on an adjacent building, jump to a nearby pole, vault to the roof of the building, jump on a zip line and ride it to a soft landing on top of a building across town. You will succeed in doing all this. After doing this, you will absentmindedly walk off the edge of the building you just expended much effort to get to. You will die.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You will believe a turtle is throwing hammers at you. You will utterly obliterate the turtle and, shortly thereafter, get arrested and thrown in jail. In jail you will meet a skinhead named Dwayne. You will die.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Because your life sucks, you will attempt to hit the Reset button. There is no button to be found. You will then attempt to turn off the power. In order to do this, you will enter a high security nuclear power station. You will die.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
You will realize that you share an astrological sign with this annoying little ginger kid who thinks he writes a funny satirical blog. You will die.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Taking a cue from Ace Combat 6, you will steal a plane and start flying around aimlessly in the skies over a major metropolitan city. You will frighten people. They will call the authorities. A F-16 fighter jet will start trailing you. You will attempt to shoot down the F-16 with a missile, which you do not have. You will die.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
You enter a mansion that is rumored to be the home of Dracula armed only with your wits and a whip. Upon jumping the mansion's fence, you will find the grounds are patrolled by a dozen rottweilers. You will die.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
After a particularly aggravating session of gaming, you will take some time to relax. You will find a calm, peaceful and quiet park. You will sit cross legged in the grass. You will breath deeply. All of the anger, the stress, the tension, all of the negativity will leave your body. Your hear rate will go down. Liking the effects of this, you will continue this relaxation exercise. Your heart rate will continue to go down. Eventually, you will die.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
In an effort to save your master form a violent street gang, you will enter the sewers wherein you will encounter some giant mutant rats. With only a katana sword and the occasional pizza slice at your disposal, you will fight and survive the arduous challenge that is the sewers and climb out the other side. Upon seeing daylight at the other side, you will encounter a giant mechanized rolling machine. You will die.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You will take a job as a construction foreman. You will employ a unique construction style: dropping oblong pieces of material from great heights. One day, as you are standing on the ground, a strong breeze will catch one of the pieces. You will die.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Like a character form many 8-Bit video games, you will attempt to kill yourself by jumping into water. You do not die. You will then attempt to kill yourself by jumping into a pit. You do not die, but you are badly injured. You will attempt to heal yourself by eating a magic mushroom. You will die.
Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
You will anger two black men. One is Chris Rock. You will anger him by ripping off one of his comedy bits, which can be found on track seven of his "Bigger and Blacker" CD. The other is Derrick Hopkins. You will anger him by repeatedly saying the name of the game his working on "You will die". Chris and Derrick will team up to take retribution on you. You will die.
Please remember that all of these reading are meant for entertainment purposes only. If you take any of these astrological reading seriously, you will die.
DOJ Vs. USPS
Recently a controversial decision came down in the legal system in Sweden. A Swedish court levyed a heavy fine and jail time against Peter Sunde, Gottfrid Svartholm Warg, Fredrik Neij and Carl Lundstrom, owner/creators of the bittorent site The Pirate Bay. The court essentially ruled that because The Pirate Bay acted as a conduit between people who wanted to engage in activity that often breaks copyright laws, they themselves were guilty of breaking copyright laws. Based on the legal precedent that this sets, the US Department of Justice has decided to pursue a case against a shocking target, the United States Postal Service.
In December 2005, Brian Bolland, known online as Joker88, asked Steve Dillon, known as Preacher96, to send him a copy of Metallica's Master of Puppets CD. Rather than using the common method of copying the CD to his computer and sending it through e-mail, Mr. Dillon burned a copy of Master of Puppets to a CD, stuck some stamps on it, and mailed the burned CD to Mr. Bolland. Not long after this took place, the RIAA sued Dillon and Bolland for copyright infringement and reached an out of court settlement of $216,452,331.
After strong urging from RIAA head legal counsel Stanford Pliers, the Department of Justice decided to go after the United States Postal Service for acting as a conduit in this transaction, thereby breaking copyright laws, based on precedents established in The Pirate Bay case. Mr. Pliers released the following statement in reaction to this: "We got you mother fuckers by the balls now!"
Postmaster General John Potter had this to say, "Oh no. Oh please God no. First we're bleeding money. Then the reputation of our quality of service plummets. Not this. Where's my Magnum?"
Lead prosecutor in this case Flemming Rasmussen had this to say, "It is quite unfortunate that we have to take this action against a fellow government entity, but we all are duty bound to defend the law, no matter the consequences. Unless some action is taken by the Swedish courts that effect this clear legal precedent, we are prepared to go forward with this action as quickly as is the norm for DOJ, by February 2017."
In addition to this, other recently announced legal actions are expected to use the so called "Pirate Bay Precedent". This includes Canada Vs. Google for allowing people to search for child pornography, Mexico against Yahoo for allowing people to search for locations where they can witness pig/human copulation, and the State of Utah against Hotmail for allowing Redertainment to send a message to TheNintendoTheory telling him where he could score some potent weed.
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