****-Shocking Unveilings For Rocktober Brides

Project NATALIE?

Among the things revealed at Monday's Microsoft E3 Press Conference was Project NATAL. Project NATAL promises a gaming experience where you are the controller, literally. Project NATAL looks to be very impressive and there has been much speculation as to how exactly this technology will be utilized. Because having a shiny new thing is great but if you don't utilize it properly it will go to waste.

One rumor having to do with Project NATAL has to do with a well known Hollywood actress. When the Microsoft Press Conference was broadcasted on G4 live closed captioning was provided. When Project NATAL was unveiled the closed captioning misspelled the project name as "Project Natalie". If that was an isolated incident it would have been written off as a mistake, but this misspelling continued throughout the rest of the presentation. This has led to speculation among the deaf community that Project NATAL will launch with a game or an application that will feature Natalie Portman.

I tried to talk to one of the main propagators of these rumors, Professor of History at Gallaudet University David Penna. However when I tried to talk to him, he started flashing gang signs and I punched him in the face. West Side!

I reached Miss Portman for a statement abut the rumors involving her. "These rumors are entirely false. I am not involved in any video game projects at present time. Also, for the last time, I will not go out with you."

Miss Portman's statement seems to close the deal on this rumor, but the future of Project NATAL is a large and unknown entity. Perhaps in the future there will be a game where you can interact with many Hollywood stars in the way that you interacted with Lionhead's Mylo. That would be sweet and I'm sure that, given Lionhead's track record, the first would be good, the second would be awesome.

Bride Saught

On Thursday, David Carradine was found dead in Bangkok. Beatrix Kiddo is currently being searched for by police for questioning.

The Hawk by Hunter Red Version 1.1
The Hawk PDF
So last week I posted a PDF version of The Hawk for people to download for free. Hopefully this will silence all those people who were whining about having to download a Word document. If you still have problems obtaining The Hawk, contact me and I'll give you explicit directions on where you should go. A bit of warning, before following through on the instructions make sure to dress for extremely warm temperatures. EXTREMELY warm.

By the way, I'll be doing a book signing on Sunday. The signing will take place at The Pie restaurant near the main campus of the University of Utah in Salt Lake City, Utah at approximately noon. This signing is contingent on whether or not I actually show up, and if you bother me while I'm eating I ain't signing nothin' for you. The location of this signing may change to The Pier 49 Pizza on State Street near the Best Buy, the Chili's down the street from my house, or my kitchen if I decide to eat in. Hope to see you there... except for the last one.


On Friday I tried to play Little big Planet. I wanted to fully experience this game, including the downloadable levels. In order to do this, I had to deal with PSN. The utter incompetence that is PSN prevented me from experiencing the creative levels of my fellow gamers. I wasn't even able to connect to download the update! PSN fails!

Brutal Legend Comes Out... When?

One of the fuckton of games showcased at this year's E3 Convention is Tim Schafer's lastest game, Brutal Legend. In an interview on G4, Mr. Schafer said that the release date for Brutal Legend is set for "Rocktober 13th".

This concept of "Rocktober" intrigued me. I had never heard of this "Rocktober" and was intended as to how this fit into the modern Gregorian calendar. So I Googled "Rocktober" and received the suggestion of "Did you mean October", to which I replied, "No, if I meant October, I would have said October. I want to know about Rocktober!? Because Google lacks voice recognition, I was unable to get a response.

I scoured the internet in search for this mythological "Rocktober" to no success. the closest thing I found was an ad for a Chevy dealership that recently was forced out of business. Apparently "Rocktober" is a concept that is unknown to this world, much like a good design for the Playstation Portable.

A spokesman for Double Fine Studios, the creator of Brutal Legend, said about this topic, "You don't know what Rocktober is? I guess you're not metal enough." This might be true as I am a human and not a mechasapien.

When reached for comment about this issue, Jack Black, who provides the voice of Eddie Riggs for Brutal Legend, said to me, "You wanna get high?"

As of this writing, I have yet to find a firm, verifiable release date for the hotly anticipated Brutal Legend. This is after persistent and belligerent calls to my local Game Stop asking, "What the fuck is Rocktober!" This was followed shortly by a visit from Chelsea, an officer with the West Valley City Police Department. A young brunette female with a police baton. I think I'm in love.

Xbox 360 Shock Controller Confirmed!

At Microsoft's E3 Press Conference on Monday a new game was announced that set the gaming world ablaze. Hideo Kojima walked on stage during Microsoft's conference to announce Metal Gear Solid: Rising

Among the images seen during the announcement were the words "Lightning Bolt Action" connected to MGS:R. No details were given at the press conference as to what this meant. After hitting up my contacts, I was given exclusive access to the meaning behind "Lightning Bolt Action". However, in order to make this info public, I agreed to keep my source anonymous.

As was the cast with Metal Gear Solid 4 on the PS3, a new controller will launch for the Xbox 360 just before the launch of Metal Gear Solid: Rising. this new controller has been dubbed "The 360 Shock Controller". What makes this controller different is the way manual user feedback is handled. Instead of rumble technology, which is so last gen, the user will feel the game as they play it by way of minor electrical currents being fed into the user hands. yes, the 360 Shock Controller will literally shock you.

It is unknown what kind of technical and legal hurdles will have to be overcome before the 360 Shock Controller will make it's way to market, but this sure is an intriguing development in the realm of user feedback. It should, at the very least, serve as a deterrent for me playing games with the controller on my crotch.

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