****- Heretical And Incendiary Complaints

King of Pricks

Last Sunday Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards and said something that garnered him much scorn and ridicule. I cannot provide an accurate account of what happened as I stopped watching the VMAs when I was twelve. Also at this event, Mr. West declared himself to be the new King of Pop. This nickname was quickly dismissed because one cannot bestow a nickname on themself, someone else must do it for them. In the days after his appearance on the VMAs, Kanye West set out to do just that.

The title of “King of Pop” in relation to Michael Jackson was popularized by Elizabeth Taylor when she presented him with the Soul Train Heritage Award in 1989. This is a moniker that stuck with Michael until his death. Believing this to be the only person who could rightly bestow such an honor, Kanye West visited Miss Taylor at her home on Monday before his appearance on The Jay Leno Show.

Kanye spent several hours begging and pleading with Miss Taylor to release a statement giving him the title of “King of Pop”, however the Hollywood icon refused. Her reasoning for this was twofold. One: Miss Taylor believes she no longer has the clout to bestow such an honor and suggested he seek out someone more current to do it. Two: She has no idea who Kanye West is.

In a final, desperate attempt, Mr. West threatened to put Miss Taylor in a wheelchair if she didn’t name him the “King of Pop”. Miss Taylor’s response was, “I have scoliosis. I’m already in a fucking wheelchair.”

Mr. West was visibly depressed by his failure to attain the moniker “King of Pop” on this attempt. However, he is comforted by the fact that he has the honor of going to bed every night with the person he feels is his soulmate, his eternal love, the one who he treasures above all others, himself. Meanwhile, in a statement, Academy Award winner Helen Mirren declared Jay-Z to be the King of Pop. Miss Mirren ended her statement with “Suck on THAT Kanye!”

The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust Review

The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust

My latest book, The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust, has been out for a few weeks now and has garnered little interest. Perhaps this is because a proper review has not been done for my book, The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust. Well, I asked R.C.O.A. reporter Robin Anderson if she would do a review for The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust and she agreed. So here now is Robin Anderson’s review of The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust.

A Review Of The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust by Robin Anderson
I have been asked to write a review of The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust. However, I feel I am unable to do so objectively as I have recently entered into a romantic relationship with the book’s author, Hunter Red. I do sincerely apologize to the people that I have disappointed and ask for their forgiveness. Thank you.

So there you have it, a review for my book The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust. In the interest of objectivity I didn’t read the review before adding it to the story, but I’m sure it was great and will drive many people to read The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust. Again, The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust.

Blender + EGM = Maxim

I’ve become aware that former subscribers to Blender magazine will be receiving issues of Maxim magazine to make up for unfulfilled issues in much the same way former subscribers to Electronic Gaming Monthly are. This is fitting because I’d rather take the issues of Maxim I’ve received and put them into a blender. By the way, a Maxim Milkshake is a great source of fiber.

I wanted to provide an adequate setup for this next picture, but fuck it, LOOKIE AT THE HOT CHICK!!!

Beatles Rock Band Complaints

As many of you are no doubt aware, on September 9, 2009, The Beatles Rock Band came out alongside a remastering of The Beatles music. Since its release most reviews have been positive with very few negatives being said about this game. The most significant complaint I’ve heard about this game is Bobby Blackwolf’s observation of the changing of the fret colors when superstar mode is enabled.

There is one significant complaint that I have about this game that I have not heard addressed anywhere. This is a complaint that is encountered even before a person plays the game, the cost. The Beatles Rock Band complete band setup costs two hundred and fifty dollars.

To any person who lives on a budget or any person living in this current economic climate, two hundred and fifty dollars is a lot to spend on anything. Two hundred and fifty dollars is what many people pay every month on their car loan. Factor in the fact that most video games cost sixty dollars and two hundred and fifty dollars for one game seems even more outrageous. For two hundred and fifty dollars I could buy four games that can provide me a more eclectic and satisfying experience than one music game ever could.

Yes, if you’re a big The Beatles fan or a fan of the Rock Band games you’ve already gotten the money together to buy the game. However you can say that about most anything. If a KoRn Rock Band game was coming out, I would buy it. If Amanda Palmer was in concert in a venue near me I would move heaven and earth to be there. However, not everyone holds my point of view about these acts, and not everyone is excited to the point of orgasm by The Beatles Rock Band. Perhaps the price will fall in the future and The Beatles Rock Band will be more appealing to me, but until then, I have no intention to buy this game.

The Sky Is Falling!!!

On September 12th, 2009, a series of rallies were held in locations across the United States. These rallies were held to protest President Obama and many of the policies that he has enacted, proposed, to enact, or are rumored to enact. Depending on who you ask, these rallies drew between five hundred to 98.456 million people.

One of the 9/12 rallies was held in Salt Lake City, Utah, not far from the offices of the Redertainment Corporation Of America. The following is one of the speeches that was given.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I felt something on my way over here today. I was listening to the radio and I heard about the various things that were being proposed in Washington, and I was struck with a thought. Socialism is coming. Socialism is coming and when it does it will mean the end of us all.

“So we need to go to Washington, to go the king that Barack HUSSEIN Obama wants to set himself up as, go to King HUSSEIN and tell him that socialism is coming and we want nothing to do with it. We need to tell King HUSSEIN that we want our country back and we will revolt against King HUSSEIN’S communist, fascist, socialist agenda!

“Ladies and gentlemen, socialism is coming but I’ll be damned if it happens under my watch.”

The crowd began to cheer as the woman giving the speech left the podium. Approaching the podium, event organizer Darren Raine said, “Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for Miss Chicken Little.”

1 comment:

Will said...

Good luck with the circulation of your book, I shall give it a gander and perhaps provide a subjective account via a blog review?