In the port known as Network, controlled by the high and mighty Fascist Control Corporation, there are four big ships. Sure there are little ships that dart in and out of the port known as Network, but those ships rarely matter. These four ships are The Tiffany, The Mickey, The Bart, and The Fraiser. What follows is the story of The Fraiser and its captain, known only as Captain Jeff.
Our story begins in the office of Captain Jeff on board The Fraiser. Captain Jeff is contemplating some hard decisions when his assistant, Liz, enters his office.
Liz- Captain Jeff, the owner of The Fraiser is here to see you.
Captain Jeff- Good, let him in.
The owner of The Fraiser, Gary Edwards, enters Captain Jeff’s office.
Gary Edwards- Captain Jeff.
CJ- Mr. Edwards, a pleasure to see you sir.
GE- Well, this isn’t a pleasure visit Jeffery.
CJ- Okay, what is this about?
GE- I’ve sold The Fraiser.
There is a short pause.
CJ- You’ve sold The Fraiser?
GE- Yes.
CJ- May I ask to whom?
GE- Commandant Castman.
CJ- Oh. I hear he’s good.
GE- He is.
CJ- And he knows how to pilot his own ship.
GE- He does. Well, I’m getting out of here. Good luck.
Gary Edwards sprints out of Captain Jeff’s office and off The Fraiser. Liz reenters Captain Jeff’s office and says-
Liz- Sir, is there anything I can do for you?
Captain Jeff is visibly shaken at the news that The Fraiser has been sold. He collects himself and says-
CJ- Can you get Nick and Jay to come to my office?
Liz- Yes sir.
Liz leaves Captain Jeff’s office, leaving him alone. Then another person enters.
Nick- Captain Jeff, you called for me sir?
CJ- Nick, you’re in charge of one of the sections of the ship’s prime sections, right. The sections where everybody hangs out?
N- Yes I am sir.
CJ- And you will do anything I ask?
N- Yes sir.
Captain Jeff starts fishing around under his desk. Captain Jeff pulls out a red metal container with the word “GAS” painted on it. Captain Jeff throws the container to Nick and says-
CJ- Here’s a can of gasoline. Open it up and start pouring it out on the prime sections of the ship.
N- But isn’t spreading gasoline around a ship a bad idea?
Captain Jeff reaches into his desk drawer, pulls out a pistol, and points it at Nick.
CJ- Yes, but not doing what I say is also a bad idea. At least, for you it is.
Nick leaves Captain Jeff’s office, gas can in hand. Liz enters Captain Jeff’s office and says-
Liz- Jay is here to see you.
Jay enters Captain Jeff’s office. Liz remains in Captain Jeff’s office.
Jay- Yes sir, you wanted to see me sir.
Captain Jeff fishes under his desk, pulls out another gas can, throws it to Jay, and says-
CJ- Take this and start pouring out the contents onto our late night crewman party stage.
J- Yes sir, Captain Jeff sir.
Jay goes to leave but Liz stops him.
Liz- Wait a minute. Sir, I think that’s a bad idea. The crewmen really enjoy the late night crewman party stage. It’s been a tradition nearly as long as The Fraiser has been commissioned and it would be a real tragedy to lose it.
CJ- And?
Liz- And that red headed kid, The Barbarian, is currently performing on that stage.
A smile comes across Captain Jeff’s face.
CJ- Hey Jay.
J- Yes sir, boss sir.
Captain Jeff fishes under his desk, pulls out another gas can, and throws it to Jay.
CJ- Pour that one exclusively on that unworthy ginger fuck, will ya.
J- Will do sir.
Jay darts off to do what Captain Jeff directed him to. Captain Jeff starts digging around in one of the boxes on his desk. He pulls out of this box a cigar and a lighter. As Captain Jeff walks out of his office, Liz says to him-
Liz- Captain Jeff, are you sure you know what you’re doing?
CJ- Liz, I know exactly what I’m doing.
Captain Jeff walks out of to the deck of The Fraiser, approaches the side facing the port, and just stares out into space. Nick is seen pouring the gasoline on the prime parts of the ship and Jay is seen joyfully pouring the gasoline over the head of The Barbarian. As Captain Jeff continues to stare out into space, a guy is seen in the port running toward The Fraiser. They guy stays off ship and begins to yell at Captain Jeff.
Guy- Hey! What are you doing?
CJ- Who are you?
Guy- Commandant Castman.
CJ- Oh. Well, Mister Castman, I’m burning down your ship.
Commandant Castman- Why?
CJ- I’m out of a job one you take over, so fuck it.
Captain Jeff sparks his lighter, lights his cigar, and holds out the still light lighter for Commandant Castman to see.
CC- No, you can’t burn down my ship.
CJ- Watch me.
Captain Jeff drops the lighter on The Fraiser and the ship erupts in flames. All of the sailors on The Fraiser, except for Jay, begins to evacuate The Fraiser, fearing for their very existence. The last image seen is Captain Jeff smoking his cigar as the ship he is tasked to take care of slowly sinks into the sea. The last thing Captain Jeff says is-
CJ- I think I did a really good job being captain of The Fraiser.
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