In a recent interview in Rolling Stone magazine, manslut and alleged rock and roll star John Mayer said that he’s searching for “The Joshua Tree of vaginas.” John also said the following:
“I want to find a vagina where I could run. I want to find a vagina where I could hide. I want to tear down the vaginal walls that hold me inside. I want to take shelter form the poison rain where the vaginas have no name.”
Annoying Man Wanted Dead Or Alive
On Monday, January 25th, in the year of your lord 2010, the 2010 Utah State Legislature got underway. As is customary, at the start of the session, the President of the Utah State Senate addressed his fellow legislators about the various issues they would be facing. This year, for the first time in memory, there was background music accompanying this speech. The choice of background music was curious to say the least.
Utah State Senate President Michael G. Waddoups, pictured above, gave a rousing speech, including an analogy equating the journey of a seashell to the journey taken when deciding on a statewide governmental budget. You would think that a speech of this nature would be accompanied by a nautical theme, say Christopher Cross’s Sailing or Sea of Time from The Beatles’ “Yellow Submarine” album, but that was not the case. The song playing behind Waddoups’s annual legislative address was John Williams’s The Imperial March, composed for the 1979 science fiction film “Star Wars”.
When asked about the choice of music for his speech, Mr. Waddoups said, “I didn’t choose the music for my speech, this goofy looking red headed kid who interns for me did. It sounds good though, what is it?” When informed what the song was and the connotations that come with it, Mr. Waddoups punched the reporter asking the question in the face and called him, “An insolent knave.”
Salt Lake City Police are currently searching for this man, seen here about to engage in oral sex on a Utah Transit Authority TRAX train. He is charged with disruption of legislative business, general mischief, and atheism with intent to distribute. There is currently a $4.7 Million bounty on this person’s head. He is wanted dead or alive, preferable dead.
Demon’s Souls Review
When I was a young kid, in the times before I knew the world sucked, I wanted to play on this jungle gym at my elementary school. This piece of equipment looked like such a blast. There were monkey bars, slides, a captain’s wheel, all the things that hold endless fun for kids. There was just one catch. In order to play on this jungle gym, I had to get past Travis.
Travis was a bully. More specifically he was my bully. At times I felt that the only pleasure Travis got out of life was to rob my of any pleasure I might have. Travis patrolled the jungle gym area just waiting for the opportunity to prevent me from playing on that piece of equipment. Travis was really successful at doing this. No matter what direction I came from, how fast I approached, what tactics I used in my attempts, Travis repelled me each and every time. Well, not quite every time.
One day I decided to emulate my favorite cartoon at the time and try my hand at being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I didn’t have any weapons but I did know how to kick and punch, at least I thought I did. Travis easily repelled my attempt to enter the jungle gym by merely standing there and shoving me away. In my time of desperation, I did something I have never thought of before. I kicked Travis in the balls.
This action worked surprisingly well. Travis was instantly on the ground crying and I was sprinting toward the jungle gym. Awash in the feeling of complete triumph, I began to climb the rope ladder I had long before dreamed of scaling. This is when I first met Travis’s brother Thomas.
Thomas threw me off the jungle gym so fast I know I broke the sound barrier. This memory came back to me often as I played Demon’s Souls. I swear while I was playing this game I said, “Damn you Travis! Damn you Thomas! I just want to play on the mother fucking monkey bars!”
Demon’s Souls: C-
Flame Retardant Onions
Candles are a great way to create a sense of mood and atmosphere. However they really suck as a light source. I fear that if my girlfriend doesn’t come to our split-level cookie cutter love nest soon that she’ll be welcomed by utter darkness, save this overpriced, overly pungent cylinder of wax and wax byproducts. I was planning on the light from the bay window providing sufficient light for our romantic encounter. It’s too bad that the sun eventually sets over the horizon. Also that the window in question faces east.
Maybe the lasagna I made can be of some help here. I already burnt the damn thing to a crisp. Perhaps if I leave it in the oven and jacked up the temperature I’ll have a non-stick baking pan full of fire. I don’t know where I went wrong with it. I followed the directions exactly, except for the onions. I don’t like onions. I just don’t. Whatever I eat that has onions in it tastes only of onions to me. Maybe onions are a natural flame retardant. Maybe onions would have prevented me from overcooking the lasagna. That or I could have paid more attention to my cooking instead of spending the evening playing Mario while the focus of my romantic dinner slowly turned to inedible blackness. Either way, I messed up.
As I wait for my love, looking at the various things my girlfriend uses to decorate our cookie cutter love nest, I’m more and more regretting buying this banner that’s hanging over my head. I thought I’d be clever and convey the message in complete leet speek, but even I don’t know what it says at this point, and I wrote the damn thing. “|-|4PPY \/413|\|TI|\|35 I)4Y!!1!” What? Not only is the banner impossible to read to ninety-nine percent of the population, the darker it gets the more incomprehensible those letters, numbers, and symbols get.
I hear that annoying as hell cuckoo clock begin to chime. “Cock-a-doodle-do! Cock-a-doodle-do!” Twelve times it chimes. I know that isn’t right. I know the clock is running fast. I know I should get it fixed, but I haven’t the faintest idea where I could take that damn clock to get that done. It’s one of the many perils of buying things online. That and accidentally buying a cuckoo clock that sounds like Danny DeVito. Here’s a helpful hint: Do not buy anything from a seller named “xXALWAYSSUNNYFAN420Xx”.
Here’s Robin now. Hello sugarlumps. Yes, I waited up for you and attempted to make a romantic dinner for you. I failed but at least we have wine, Ritz crackers, and more wine. That’s romantic right?
What? Yes I did burn the lasagna. There’s something else burning? Oh. Oh damn. I thought it was bright in here. I guess those candles you bought at my mother’s candle party aren’t completely worthless. They set that failtastic romantic banner on fire. Perhaps next time I’ll slather it with onions. Those are flame retardant, right?
What’s that? Oh. I love you too Robin. Happy Valentine’s Day. How would you kindly use that fire extinguisher to put out my hair?
I Am Not Kidding About This
There are very few Republican ideals that I agree with. One of those few ideals is the concept of limited government. That government should have a limited role in our everyday lives, and that while vigilant oversight is needed in many aspects of modern life, we don’t need the government watching over our shoulder ensuring that we do what is right. Utah is a heavily Republican state, but apparently Utah politicians do not believe in the concept of limited government. An argument can be made that this is manifest on Utah’s Amendment 3, which defined marriage as between a man and a woman, however a stronger argument can be made about a proclamation proposed in the current session of the Utah State Legislature by state senator, Wayne Niederhauser
New "Declaration of the Family Resolution" surfaces on Utah's capitol Hill
Quoting from the story linked above:
“Niederhause told ABC 4, "I think its good to periodically remind the public that the family is an important institution in the fabric of society."
And Niederhausder's resolution does so using very emphatic language.
Here some excerpts:
"...the sovereignty...of Utah is built upon the family unit."
"…the family is the source of all that is of benefit to humankind."
and "…the family encompasses the workmanship of the Creator..."”
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