In the port known as Network, controlled by the high and mighty Fascist Control Corporation, there are four big ships. Sure there are little ships that dart in and out of the port known as Network, but those ships rarely matter. These four ships are The Tiffany, The Mickey, The Bart, and The Fraiser. What follows is the story of The Fraiser and its captain, known only as Captain Jeff.
Our story begins in the office of Captain Jeff on board The Fraiser. Captain Jeff is contemplating some hard decisions when his assistant, Liz, enters his office.
Liz- Captain Jeff, the owner of The Fraiser is here to see you.
Captain Jeff- Good, let him in.
The owner of The Fraiser, Gary Edwards, enters Captain Jeff’s office.
Gary Edwards- Captain Jeff.
CJ- Mr. Edwards, a pleasure to see you sir.
GE- Well, this isn’t a pleasure visit Jeffery.
CJ- Okay, what is this about?
GE- I’ve sold The Fraiser.
There is a short pause.
CJ- You’ve sold The Fraiser?
GE- Yes.
CJ- May I ask to whom?
GE- Commandant Castman.
CJ- Oh. I hear he’s good.
GE- He is.
CJ- And he knows how to pilot his own ship.
GE- He does. Well, I’m getting out of here. Good luck.
Gary Edwards sprints out of Captain Jeff’s office and off The Fraiser. Liz reenters Captain Jeff’s office and says-
Liz- Sir, is there anything I can do for you?
Captain Jeff is visibly shaken at the news that The Fraiser has been sold. He collects himself and says-
CJ- Can you get Nick and Jay to come to my office?
Liz- Yes sir.
Liz leaves Captain Jeff’s office, leaving him alone. Then another person enters.
Nick- Captain Jeff, you called for me sir?
CJ- Nick, you’re in charge of one of the sections of the ship’s prime sections, right. The sections where everybody hangs out?
N- Yes I am sir.
CJ- And you will do anything I ask?
N- Yes sir.
Captain Jeff starts fishing around under his desk. Captain Jeff pulls out a red metal container with the word “GAS” painted on it. Captain Jeff throws the container to Nick and says-
CJ- Here’s a can of gasoline. Open it up and start pouring it out on the prime sections of the ship.
N- But isn’t spreading gasoline around a ship a bad idea?
Captain Jeff reaches into his desk drawer, pulls out a pistol, and points it at Nick.
CJ- Yes, but not doing what I say is also a bad idea. At least, for you it is.
Nick leaves Captain Jeff’s office, gas can in hand. Liz enters Captain Jeff’s office and says-
Liz- Jay is here to see you.
Jay enters Captain Jeff’s office. Liz remains in Captain Jeff’s office.
Jay- Yes sir, you wanted to see me sir.
Captain Jeff fishes under his desk, pulls out another gas can, throws it to Jay, and says-
CJ- Take this and start pouring out the contents onto our late night crewman party stage.
J- Yes sir, Captain Jeff sir.
Jay goes to leave but Liz stops him.
Liz- Wait a minute. Sir, I think that’s a bad idea. The crewmen really enjoy the late night crewman party stage. It’s been a tradition nearly as long as The Fraiser has been commissioned and it would be a real tragedy to lose it.
CJ- And?
Liz- And that red headed kid, The Barbarian, is currently performing on that stage.
A smile comes across Captain Jeff’s face.
CJ- Hey Jay.
J- Yes sir, boss sir.
Captain Jeff fishes under his desk, pulls out another gas can, and throws it to Jay.
CJ- Pour that one exclusively on that unworthy ginger fuck, will ya.
J- Will do sir.
Jay darts off to do what Captain Jeff directed him to. Captain Jeff starts digging around in one of the boxes on his desk. He pulls out of this box a cigar and a lighter. As Captain Jeff walks out of his office, Liz says to him-
Liz- Captain Jeff, are you sure you know what you’re doing?
CJ- Liz, I know exactly what I’m doing.
Captain Jeff walks out of to the deck of The Fraiser, approaches the side facing the port, and just stares out into space. Nick is seen pouring the gasoline on the prime parts of the ship and Jay is seen joyfully pouring the gasoline over the head of The Barbarian. As Captain Jeff continues to stare out into space, a guy is seen in the port running toward The Fraiser. They guy stays off ship and begins to yell at Captain Jeff.
Guy- Hey! What are you doing?
CJ- Who are you?
Guy- Commandant Castman.
CJ- Oh. Well, Mister Castman, I’m burning down your ship.
Commandant Castman- Why?
CJ- I’m out of a job one you take over, so fuck it.
Captain Jeff sparks his lighter, lights his cigar, and holds out the still light lighter for Commandant Castman to see.
CC- No, you can’t burn down my ship.
CJ- Watch me.
Captain Jeff drops the lighter on The Fraiser and the ship erupts in flames. All of the sailors on The Fraiser, except for Jay, begins to evacuate The Fraiser, fearing for their very existence. The last image seen is Captain Jeff smoking his cigar as the ship he is tasked to take care of slowly sinks into the sea. The last thing Captain Jeff says is-
CJ- I think I did a really good job being captain of The Fraiser.
Showing posts with label Jeffery Zucker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jeffery Zucker. Show all posts
****- How To Offend People And Get Sued
**** Kite
A man and his son are in a park flying kites on a breezy day. Father and son are having a good time, especially the father because he’s away from the mother. The son looks up into the sky at the many kites in the sky and focuses on one in particular.
Son- Dad?
Father- Yes son.
Son- What is that kite?
The son points to one kite. The father looks at the kite and is visibly disgusted by it. The father hands the son the end of the kite string and says-
Father- Son, hold on to this for me. I’ll be right back.
The father follows the kite string of the kite in question back to the person flying it. The father walks over to the person flying the kite in order to talk to him.
Father- Excuse me?
Hunter Red- Yes?
F- I want to ask you about your kite.
H- I know, isn’t it lovely. It’s quite a nice day for flying a kite, wouldn’t you agree?
F- Are you sure the kite that you’re flying is appropriate?
H- What do you mean?
F- I mean, I look at your flag and that’s just obscene. I don’t want my son looking at that.
H- I doubt he knows what that even means. I didn’t know what that meant until a couple of years ago.
F- Well, I’d prefer that you not fly that kite.
H- You’re not my father, you son’s over there getting all tangled up in the kite string.
The son is all tangled up in the kite string. The father darts over to tend to his son as Hunter continues to fly his kite. The camera is behind Hunter and slowly pans up to show Hunter kite. It’s a simple black flag with white letters on it spelling out the word “CLIT”.
THE END
Quiz Show #2
Jeff Zucker
On a darkened stage, illuminated only by the flashing lights on a raised platform, two figures are seen sitting. Then an overblown light display and bad instrumental music is triggered ending with the two men being seen on the raised platform. As evidenced by the overblown light display and bad instrumental music, this is a game show.
Hunter- Hello and welcome once again to the 987.4 Million Dollar Question. I am your host Hunter Red. We’ll meet our contestant in a moment, but first, here’s a word from out sponsor.
H- And we’re back to the 987.4 Million Dollar Question. Our contestant is Jeffery Zucker. Mr. Zucker is the president and CEO of NBC Universal, his hobbies include beekeeping and phrenology. Jeffery, it’s a pleasure to have you.
Jeffery Zucker- Hello, I hate you.
H- Okay. Before we move on with the game, Robin, tell us who is supplying the prize for us tonight.
Robin- (Off camera) The Transportation Safety Administration, because I sued the pants off the guy who groped me.
H- Really? You got that much that quickly from the government.
R- I threatened to go public.
H- But I wrote about it on my blog.
R- No one reads your blog dear.
H- Okay. Well Mr. Zucker, 987.4 Million Dollars is a lot of money, what do you plan to do with that if you win?
Jeffery Zucker- I plan to buy Conan O’Brien out of his contract.
H- Really? Any particular reason why?
J- Because I have grown weary of fucking around with that unworthy ginger pest and I want to be rid of him, like I want to be rid of all gingers, including yourself Hunter. By the way, your shirt looks horrid. Who dressed you, a blind ginger moron?
H- Actually, my girlfriend bought me this shirt.
J- Then she must be a complete whore.
Robin walks on camera and slaps Jeffery Zucker.
H- Thank you. Jeffery, now that we’ve met you, we’re nearly ready to start the game, but first I must go over the rules.
J- Must you, you defective swine.
H- Yes. I will give you one question. In order to win the prize, you must answer this question correctly.
J- Just one question?
H- Yes.
J- That seems like an easy game. Did you create it?
H- Yes.
J- It shows.
H- Fuck you. Now to begin the 987.4 Million Dollar Question!
The overblown light display is triggered, leaving Hunter and Jeffery sitting on the platform under a spotlight.
H- Jeffery, which of these is a good idea: A: Eating a complete balanced diet, filled with whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, and conservative amounts of meat and fats. Or B: Slamming your penis in a car door.
Jeffery Zucker thinks about this question for a second.
J- Just to clarify, you said FRESH fruits and vegetables?
H- Yes.
J- And you said YOUR penis?
H- Yes.
J- As in your short, stubby, syphilitic ginger penis?
H- No, that’s “your” penis as in you, Jeffery Zucker, your penis.
Jeffery Zucker thinks about the question again.
J- I’m going to go with B.
A sound signifying a wrong answer is played.
H- No, I’m sorry. We were looking for A: Eating a complete balanced diet, filled with whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, and-
J- I call bullshit you waste of genetic material.
H- Why?
J- Both answers are correct!
H- No, the answer is A.
J- I believe B is also a good idea. I want my prize.
H- No, you lost.
J- Why? Explain to me why slamming your penis in a car door is a bad idea? Explain it to me with your inferior ginger brain.
Hunter takes a deep breath and says-
H- The male sexual organ, while a resilient piece of anatomy, is fragile. Slamming your penis into any hard surface, be it a rock, a heavy book, or a clear glass coffee table, could result in an injury to the penis. Also usually cars rest in public locations. Therefore slamming your penis in a car door would, more often than not, involve you exposing yourself in a public setting, which is a felony in many jurisdictions.
Jeffery Zucker takes a minute to digest what Hunter said, and says-
J- You know what, fuck you! I didn’t want your ginger money anyways. It’s probably infected with your ginger AIDS.
Jeffery Zucker storms off the stage.
H- Well, that’s the end of the game. I appreciate Jeffery Zucker for being here, and if security would rough him up on the way out, I’d appreciate that as well.
Robin- (Off camera) I have a bat you can use.
H- That’s all the time we have for the 987.4 Million Dollar Question. I am Hunter Red, reminding you that if your piss of one of us, we’ll all come for you. See you next time.
The overblown light display and bad instrumental music is triggered as the credits roll over the screen. As the overblown light display continues, Hunter is seen going into a full blown seizure. Robin is seen attending to Hunter as the scene ends.
THE END
A man and his son are in a park flying kites on a breezy day. Father and son are having a good time, especially the father because he’s away from the mother. The son looks up into the sky at the many kites in the sky and focuses on one in particular.
Son- Dad?
Father- Yes son.
Son- What is that kite?
The son points to one kite. The father looks at the kite and is visibly disgusted by it. The father hands the son the end of the kite string and says-
Father- Son, hold on to this for me. I’ll be right back.
The father follows the kite string of the kite in question back to the person flying it. The father walks over to the person flying the kite in order to talk to him.
Father- Excuse me?
Hunter Red- Yes?
F- I want to ask you about your kite.
H- I know, isn’t it lovely. It’s quite a nice day for flying a kite, wouldn’t you agree?
F- Are you sure the kite that you’re flying is appropriate?
H- What do you mean?
F- I mean, I look at your flag and that’s just obscene. I don’t want my son looking at that.
H- I doubt he knows what that even means. I didn’t know what that meant until a couple of years ago.
F- Well, I’d prefer that you not fly that kite.
H- You’re not my father, you son’s over there getting all tangled up in the kite string.
The son is all tangled up in the kite string. The father darts over to tend to his son as Hunter continues to fly his kite. The camera is behind Hunter and slowly pans up to show Hunter kite. It’s a simple black flag with white letters on it spelling out the word “CLIT”.
THE END
Quiz Show #2
Jeff Zucker
On a darkened stage, illuminated only by the flashing lights on a raised platform, two figures are seen sitting. Then an overblown light display and bad instrumental music is triggered ending with the two men being seen on the raised platform. As evidenced by the overblown light display and bad instrumental music, this is a game show.
Hunter- Hello and welcome once again to the 987.4 Million Dollar Question. I am your host Hunter Red. We’ll meet our contestant in a moment, but first, here’s a word from out sponsor.
H- And we’re back to the 987.4 Million Dollar Question. Our contestant is Jeffery Zucker. Mr. Zucker is the president and CEO of NBC Universal, his hobbies include beekeeping and phrenology. Jeffery, it’s a pleasure to have you.
Jeffery Zucker- Hello, I hate you.
H- Okay. Before we move on with the game, Robin, tell us who is supplying the prize for us tonight.
Robin- (Off camera) The Transportation Safety Administration, because I sued the pants off the guy who groped me.
H- Really? You got that much that quickly from the government.
R- I threatened to go public.
H- But I wrote about it on my blog.
R- No one reads your blog dear.
H- Okay. Well Mr. Zucker, 987.4 Million Dollars is a lot of money, what do you plan to do with that if you win?
Jeffery Zucker- I plan to buy Conan O’Brien out of his contract.
H- Really? Any particular reason why?
J- Because I have grown weary of fucking around with that unworthy ginger pest and I want to be rid of him, like I want to be rid of all gingers, including yourself Hunter. By the way, your shirt looks horrid. Who dressed you, a blind ginger moron?
H- Actually, my girlfriend bought me this shirt.
J- Then she must be a complete whore.
Robin walks on camera and slaps Jeffery Zucker.
H- Thank you. Jeffery, now that we’ve met you, we’re nearly ready to start the game, but first I must go over the rules.
J- Must you, you defective swine.
H- Yes. I will give you one question. In order to win the prize, you must answer this question correctly.
J- Just one question?
H- Yes.
J- That seems like an easy game. Did you create it?
H- Yes.
J- It shows.
H- Fuck you. Now to begin the 987.4 Million Dollar Question!
The overblown light display is triggered, leaving Hunter and Jeffery sitting on the platform under a spotlight.
H- Jeffery, which of these is a good idea: A: Eating a complete balanced diet, filled with whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, and conservative amounts of meat and fats. Or B: Slamming your penis in a car door.
Jeffery Zucker thinks about this question for a second.
J- Just to clarify, you said FRESH fruits and vegetables?
H- Yes.
J- And you said YOUR penis?
H- Yes.
J- As in your short, stubby, syphilitic ginger penis?
H- No, that’s “your” penis as in you, Jeffery Zucker, your penis.
Jeffery Zucker thinks about the question again.
J- I’m going to go with B.
A sound signifying a wrong answer is played.
H- No, I’m sorry. We were looking for A: Eating a complete balanced diet, filled with whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, and-
J- I call bullshit you waste of genetic material.
H- Why?
J- Both answers are correct!
H- No, the answer is A.
J- I believe B is also a good idea. I want my prize.
H- No, you lost.
J- Why? Explain to me why slamming your penis in a car door is a bad idea? Explain it to me with your inferior ginger brain.
Hunter takes a deep breath and says-
H- The male sexual organ, while a resilient piece of anatomy, is fragile. Slamming your penis into any hard surface, be it a rock, a heavy book, or a clear glass coffee table, could result in an injury to the penis. Also usually cars rest in public locations. Therefore slamming your penis in a car door would, more often than not, involve you exposing yourself in a public setting, which is a felony in many jurisdictions.
Jeffery Zucker takes a minute to digest what Hunter said, and says-
J- You know what, fuck you! I didn’t want your ginger money anyways. It’s probably infected with your ginger AIDS.
Jeffery Zucker storms off the stage.
H- Well, that’s the end of the game. I appreciate Jeffery Zucker for being here, and if security would rough him up on the way out, I’d appreciate that as well.
Robin- (Off camera) I have a bat you can use.
H- That’s all the time we have for the 987.4 Million Dollar Question. I am Hunter Red, reminding you that if your piss of one of us, we’ll all come for you. See you next time.
The overblown light display and bad instrumental music is triggered as the credits roll over the screen. As the overblown light display continues, Hunter is seen going into a full blown seizure. Robin is seen attending to Hunter as the scene ends.
THE END
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