****- Catholic Hotdogs

Rehashing An Old Stand-Up Routine

Microsoft is one of the largest companies in the world and has brought to the public many useful and successful products. However, there is one product that Microsoft brought to the market that did what no other Microsoft product has done before or since: completely fail. Starting this summer, Microsoft will re-launch this product by giving the customer exactly what they want. Ladies and gentlemen, Microsoft hotdogs.

Hotdogs are a staple of many American gatherings. From baseball games, to backyard barbeques, to family reunions, hotdogs are there, and now Microsoft will be there as well. Microsoft’s dedication to customer service shows in the way we have approached the re-launch of our hotdog line. Now, let me ask you, what is the one consistent complaint about hotdogs? Our market research tells us that the most consistent complaint is this:

Why do hotdogs come in packs of ten when hotdog buns come in packs of eight? Why? This situation makes no sense to the typical consumer, and it doesn’t make sense to the people at Microsoft. But who is going to take the bold step of remedying this situation? We will.

On April 19th, Microsoft will roll out our fresh new approach to hotdogs. We won’t be changing what the hotdog is. We will be changing how the hotdog is delivered to the consumer. We will be rolling out a change to the packaging our hotdogs come in. On April 19th, our hotdogs will be coming eight to a pack.

No more will customers have to buy five packages of buns and four packages of hotdogs to ensure they don’t buy more of either product. On April 19th customers will be able to buy one for one.

The way that Microsoft is approaching our hotdog line in not ground breaking, pioneering, or controversial. Microsoft is merely doing what we have always strives to do. Give the customer what they want. Thank you.

Dealing With The Vatican City Police Department

How to deal with a parking ticket.

The Good Way
A cop is busy writing up a ticket for a parking violation when the owner of the car shows up.
Car Owner- Oh man.
Police Officer- Is this your car sir?
C- Yes, yes it is officer.
P- Are you aware that the meter has run out for this car sir?
C- Yes. I was longer in there than I thought I was going to be. I thought I’d be able to catch it before it expired, but I didn’t.
P- Well, I’m writing you a ticket for illegal parking.
C- Yes, of course you are.
The officer finishes writing up the ticket and hands it to the car owner.
P- There you are sir.
C- Thank you officer.
P- Have a nice day sir.
C- You too.
The officer drives off as the car owner starts to put more money in to the meter.


The Bad Way
A cop is busy writing up a ticket for a parking violation when the owner of the car shows up.
Car Owner- Fuck!
Police Officer- Is this your car sir?
C- You damn right you fucking pig. What the fuck are you doing?
P- Are you aware that the meter for this car has run out?
C- Bullshit the fucking meter ran out! You’re writing me a bullshit ticket because of some fucking quota you have, you fat fucking pig.
P- No quotas exist sir.
C- Bullshit. Are you jealous of my expensive car? That’s it, isn’t it?
Car owner shoves police officer.
C- Isn’t it?
The police officer pulls out a canister of mace, points it at the car owner, and says-
P- Sir, if you don’t step back this instant, I will be forced to deploy this mace on you.
C- Come on? You don’t have the fucking balls to-
The police officer deploys the mace, hitting the car owner in the face. The car owner reacts to the mace by stumbling backward, tripping over his feet, falling to the ground, and saying-
C- Fuck! Ow, god damn, fuck! It’s in my eyes! You fucking bitch, it’s in my eyes! Fuck!
The police officer finishes writing up the ticket, placed the ticket on the car windshield, approached the car owner, and says-
P- Sir, if you don’t calm yourself down, I’ll be forced to arrest you for disorderly conduct. Do you understand sir?
The car owner stammers to his feet, spits on the officer’s shoes, and says-
C- Fuck you! Fuck! You!
The police officer attempts to arrest the car owner but he resists. The police officer calls in backup and deploys a taser to subdue the car owner. The car owner is eventually put into a police car and is hauled off to jail while his car is towed to the impound lot.


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