When I was a kid, cellphones were used to make calls. I know, weird huh? Today, cellphones can play games, run apps, update the Twitbook, and, on occasion, make phone calls. Now with the iPhone 4, you can't even make calls! They say it's an antenna problem, but come on. How can they call it an "iPhone" if it can't make phone calls! So this week, on Handynerd Corner, I'm going to show you how to fix your iPhone's antenna problem.
Now, I could just wrap the whole thing in the handynerd's secret weapon, duct tape, but that would be too easy of a solution. I mean if that solution could work, someone would have come up with it already. Now, Apple tells you the solution is to buy a bumper from them, but you know what, NO! I'm not giving you more money to fix a problem that you caused and you should fix anyway! Besides, all this bumper is just a circular piece is rubber that goes around the outside of the iPhone, and I know where to get a circular piece of rubber. My wallet.
This, nerds and lurkers, is a "condom". A condom is a latex, polyurethane, or lambskin device used to prevent the sharing of various fluids when engaging in sexual intercourse. Intercourse is that thing you spend hours watching people do online. Now, all I have to do is roll out the condom, remove the phallic shaped portion, and place the outside ring of the condom on the outside of the iPhone 4. Now to take the condom out of the package.
Hunter tears open the condom package, looks inside, then pours out a pile of dust from the package.
Okay, looks like I need to get my own condom, since the one my Dad gave me seems to have expired several years ago. So, we're going to go on with the show, while I go to the place where condoms are sold. I think I'm going to have to Google "Where can I buy condoms?" to find out where to buy them.
Red Bliss
The new KoRn CD is out. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Handynerd Corner: 2
Okay, so I went down to one of the 2874 gas stations I have within a five minute drive of me and picked up a pack of condoms, as well as some Funyuns and a bottle of Coke.
Hunter takes the condom out of the package and finds that there's actually a condom in there.
Okay, now to just remove the phallic portion of the condom from the ring.
Hunter has removed all but the outside ring from the condom.
Now, I'm just going to slip the condom on the iPhone.
Hunter tries to put the condom on the iPhone and fails.
Okay, now to just-
Hunter tries again, gets the condom on one corner and fails.
Okay, now-
Hunter gets the condom on three corners of the iPhone then fails.
Okay, this appears to be harder then it appears. Maybe I need to find something bigger.
Hunter thinks for a second.
I could get those jumbo condoms, but no one would actually believe I can fill one of those. Wait! I'll be back
Bobby And Chris
Bobby Kotick is sitting in his office at the headquarters of The Great Empire Of Activision. He's sitting behind his desk, thinking.
Bobby- We implemented this Real ID system, which displays the real names of our users in our games, and now people are complaining about it. They're saying it could lead to widespread abuses, stalking, and vigilantism. How can we silence these people?
Bobby's face lights up as he's just had an idea. He picks up the phone on his desk and dials.
Bobby- Hello Patricia?
Patricia- Yes Bobby?
Bobby- You know that list we have of the people who have complained about out Real ID system?
Patricia- Yeah.
Bobby- Is there a way we could "accidentally" release that list to the public?
There is a short pause.
Patricia- Why would we do that?
An evil look comes over Bobby Kotick's face.
Bobby- To silence those who oppose us.
There is a short pause.
Patricia- Okay, I'll get right on that.
Bobby- Thanks.
Bobby looks at the camera and maintains the evil look on his face through the fade.
Chris Buttars is sitting in his office at his office at his home in West Jordan, Utah. He's sitting behind his desk thinking.
Chris- We're currently crafting a law that would closely resemble the Immigration Law that was just passed in Arizona, and now people are complaining about it. They're saying it could lead to widespread abuses, stalking, and vigilantism. How can we silence these people?
Chris's face lights up as he's just had an idea. He picks up the phone on his desk and dials.
Chris- Hello Stephen?
Stephen- Yes Chris?
Chris- You know that list the state of Utah has of all the known illegal immigrants that live in the state?
Stephen- Yeah.
Chris- Is there a way we could "accidentally" release that list to the public?
There is a short pause.
Stephen- Why would we do that?
An evil look comes over Chris's face.
Chris- To silence those who oppose us.
There is a short pause.
Stephen- Okay, I'll get right on that.
Chris- Thanks.
Chris looks at the camera and maintains the evil look on his face through the fade.
END SCENE
Handynerd Corner: 3
So, I just got back from the doctors office, where I let a man shove his hand up my ass, and this time not recreationally. I did this for two reasons. One: I'm getting older, and as men get older they need to have a man shove his hand up their ass for a reason that escapes me. Two: I needed to steal some latex gloves, and what better way to steal latex gloves than to spend three hours in a waiting room, pay a $50 co-pay, then have an older man violate you. Okay, now I have to separate the hand portion of this glove from the ring portion, which is something I wish the doctor had done before he performed his "exam".
So, I've removed the ring portion of the glove from the hand portion, and now to slip the ring portion over the outside of the iPhone.
Hunter tries to put the ring on the iPhone and fails.
Wait, let's try this again.
Hunter tries to put the ring on the iPhone, get the ring on three corners of the iPhone and fails. Hunter then throws the ring away.
Okay, so apparently this isn't going to work. What else can I do?
Hunter thinks for a second.
I guess I could try the handynerd's secret weapon, duct tape, like I do with ever other project I do, but that is such a basic solution, someone else would have come up with it before me.
Hunter appears on screen with an iPhone covered from top to bottom with duct tape.
So apparently covering the whole damn thing with duct tape does work to solve the antenna problem, and makes for a relatively inexpensive case. Well, that's it for the Handynerd portion of the show, and remember: If a woman is repulsed by your nerdiness, she can at least find you handy. Now to test it out.
Hunter places a phone call.
Hello? Yes, it's me. I'm testing out my iPhone fix. Okay, later.
Hunter hangs up the phone.
Red Is Annoyingly Blissful
THE NEW KORN CD IS OUT! I'M NEARLY BURSTING WITH HOW HAPPY I AM! WAIT, OH SHIT!
Red explodes.
Also, The Black Robin Christmas Carol, November 1st, assuming we can gather all the pieces of Hunter Red back together.
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