Happy? Thanksgiving

Hi. I'd like to take this opportunity in front of this worldwide audience to send a message directly to my family.

Dear Family,

It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that I will not be attending Thanksgiving dinner with you this year. You may think that this is due to me still being in rehab for alcoholism. It's not, which is something one of you would know if any of you bothered to visit me in rehab. I mean come on, it wasn't like I was staying in a facility out of state, I was in the Cirque Lodge! In Park City! Utah! Sure I can excuse you if you didn't visit on Sunday, as the road up the canyon was closed to most of the lame ass cars that you people own, but I was released from the Cirque Lodge on Saturday.

Anyway, the reason that I will not be attending Thanksgiving dinner with you, my family, this year is a very simple and not complicated one. I could have made it more complicated, but I doubt you morons would have understood it. I mean, complex thinking is as foreign of a concept to you as proper condom usage. The reason why I will not be attending Thanksgiving dinner with you, my family, this year is that I can not stand to be around you. Any of you. At all.

There are many reasons why I can not stand to be around you, my family. One of them is the lengthy political discussions I get into with you people. Wait, did I just refer to them as discussions? Sorry, I mean verbal fights. Verbal fights consisting of me saying that homosexuals should be treated equally in the eyes of the law, and you people hurling various forms of epitaphs at me for several hours. This continues long after I think the discussions is over. You know that response I get when I ask What's the score of the game? Yeah, people don't usually respond to that question like that.

Also, I generally have a low opinion of you, and I tend to rage out against people I have a low opinion of. I mean, I just spent nearly four hundred words insulting you people on the internet.

Lastly, I know the inevitable question that will arise during any discussion I have with any of you, my family, during dinner: Why aren't you married yet? Really? You're asking me that question? Why don't you direct that question toward Cherise? You know, Cherise, that cousin of mine who has five kids and is not married? Cerise, the woman you people got to watch over my house when I was in rehab, which now smells like stale Cherrios and puke? Cherise, who took her role as house sitter to mean that she could move into my house permanently rent free? Cherise, the girl who tried to throw my CDs away because she found my German Orchestral Death Metal and thought it was of the devil?

So anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to one and all. You have a good time with the people you care about. I'm going to try to find an alternative to getting shit faced, as doing so would set off my alcoholism. Hold on. Brandon! Stop drilling holes into my sexatorium! And who the fuck gave you that drill?