On April 11, 2011, it was announced that Bernardo Bertolucci would be receiving an honorary Palme d'Or award at the Cannes Film Festival's opening ceremony. Bernardo Bertolucci (born March 16, 1940) is an Italian film director and screenwriter, whose films include The Conformist, Last Tango in Paris, The Last Emperor and The Dreamers. However, due to an error in the mail delivery process, the notice that was sent out to Bertolucci about his award was instead sent to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.
Rather than admit the error, the organizers of the Cannes Film Festival chose to go forward with giving an award for great contributions in the art of cinema to a guy who's only contribution to cinema is several pornographic videos that have the effect of inducing vomiting. The following is the statement put out about this award.
Silvio Berlusconi to receive Palme d'Or honour
An honorary Palme d'Or award is to be presented at the Cannes Film Festival's opening ceremony from this year onwards, organizers have announced.
The inaugural award will go to world leader Silvio Berlusconi, known for his tireless work in "Bungo Bungo Party 7", "Last Tango In Uranus", and "I Am Silvio Berlusconi And I Am Having Sex".
President Gilles Jacob said the quality of the Italian's work made him "the most ironic recipient of the award".
The award has previously been presented on an ad hoc basis to directors such as Woody Allen and Clint Eastwood.
Festival organizers said the award would go each year to "a person" who had never won Cannes' top award, the Palme d'Or.
Berlusconi, they continued, had directed "many pieces of Italian pornography that redefine what it means to have sex on film".
"His contributions to political discord is only surpassed by the massive amounts of spunk he has left in the orifices of many beautiful women he would never have had a shot at if he was not rich and powerful" the statement went on.
The 74-year-old's films are currently being celebrated by people who have poor tastes in pornography.
Mr Jacob praised the "uniqueness" of Berlusconi's films and "the strength the American pharmaceutical industry".
This year's festival will begin on 11 May with a screening of Berlusconi's latest film, "How I Banged A Girl Who Is Totally NOT Underage".
Why Monkeys Don't Drive Cars
Candice and Kevin are driving on the highway. They are in a car when Kevin, who is driving, changes lanes right in front of a semi-trailer.
Candice- Hey hon.
Kevin- Yes dear?
Candice- I think you just cut off that semi.
Kevin- Oh. Did I?
Candice- Yeah.
Kevin- That probably wasn't safe was it?
Candice- No. You think the driver of that semi is upset?
Kevin adjusts his rear view mirror so that he can see who is driving the semi behind him.
Kevin- That semi is being driven by a monkey. What the fuck do I care what a monkey thinks.
Kevin is not making a racist remark, the semi behind him is being driven by a real money. Specifically a Spider monkey of the genus Ateles pictured below.
Kevin and Candice continue driving along, not caring about the monkey driving the semi behind them, untill a wet thump is heard hitting their car.
Candice- Honey, what was that?
Kevin- What was what.
Candice looks around the car and identifies what the wet thump was.
Candice- I think some poo just hit our car.
Kevin- Oh.
Candice- I think that monkey we cut off just flug it's poo at us.
Kevin- Oh.
Candice- Aren't you going to do anything about it.
Kevin- Ugh. Okay, okay, okay. Hand me the bottle of trucker pee.
END SCENE
The Red Interview- Reggie Fils-Amie
This week, the long running rumor of a successor to Nintendo's highly successful Wii began to pick up steam. Multiple outlets picked up the story of a so called "Wii 2" being announced sometime between now and Electronic Entertainment Expo. Through the connections we have in the seedy underground world of Hello Kitty, The Redertainment Corporation Of America has been granted the first interview with Nintendo Of America President Reggie Fils-Aime regarding Nintendo's next console.
Hunter Red- Mr. Fils-Aime, thank you for talking with me today.
Reggie Fils-Aime- Please, call me Reggie.
Hunter Red- Reggie, this week, several reports sprung up from anonymous sources that Nintendo is readying the announcement of it's next entry into the home console market. Do you have a comment on these reports?
Reggie Fils-Aime- Well, you always have to be weary when it comes to stories based on anonymous sources. For all you know, this could all be the work of an internet prankster.
Hunter Red- So, do you refute the claims made in these articles?
Reggie Fils-Aime- Not entirely. Obviously I can't go into detail as to Nintendo's plans for the future, but there is one aspect of this story that I can comment on.
Hunter Red- What is that?
Reggie Fils-Aime- The name. The name of our new console. Now, I can't go into specifics about the name of your next console, but I can say that I am amazed at the lack of creativity in the rumored names. We at Nintendo pride ourselves in the creativity we bring into every aspect of our product, including the names. The names I've been hearing bandied about, Wii 2, Super Wii, Mega Wii, Wii Wii, do not reflect that creativity.
Hunter Red- What are your suggestions?
Reggie Fils-Aime- Excuse me?
Hunter Red- What are your suggestions for names for Nintendo's next console?
Reggie Fils-Aime- First of all, don't take this as any kind of confirmation, but the names I would suggest for a console include Void, Emit, Evacuate, and Exudate.
Hunter Red- Really?
Reggie Fils-Aime- Yes.
Hunter Red- Those are the names you would suggest?
Reggie Fils-Aime- Yes.
Hunter Red- You know what those words are synonyms for, don't you?
Reggie Fils-Aime- No, what?
Hunter Red- Deficate.
Reggie Fils-Aime- Excuse me?
Hunter Red- The expulsion of solid waste.
Reggie Fils-Aime- Shit.
THE END
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment