Friends: The Best Eviscerators

} When I Heard at the Close of the Day

By Walt Whitman

When I heard at the close of the day how my name had been receiv'd

with plaudits in the capitol, still it was not a happy night for

me that follow'd,

And else when I carous'd, or when my plans were accomplish'd, still

I was not happy,

But the day when I rose at dawn from the bed of perfect health,

refresh'd, singing, inhaling the ripe breath of autumn,

When I saw the full moon in the west grow pale and disappear in the

morning light,

When I wander'd alone over the beach, and undressing bathed,

laughing with the cool waters, and saw the sun rise,

And when I thought how my dear friend my lover was on his way

coming, O then I was happy,

O then each breath tasted sweeter, and all that day my food

nourish'd me more, and the beautiful day pass'd well,

And the next came with equal joy, and with the next at evening came

my friend,

And that night while all was still I heard the waters roll slowly

continually up the shores,

I heard the hissing rustle of the liquid and sands as directed to me

whispering to congratulate me,

For the one I love most lay sleeping by me under the same cover in

the cool night,

In the stillness in the autumn moonbeams his face was inclined toward me,

And his arm lay lightly around my breast--and that night I was happy.

Friends: The Best Eviscerators



Hunter Red, pictured above, is sitting in his office looking at his computer. He's reading the comments are being made online to The Reunion, a series of blog posts that he just posted. Hunter is reading these comments to himself. No one knows why.

Hunter Red- "OMG. This is so funny." "This is so true and factual and real and, like, stuff." "First." "I have a reunion coming up. Maybe I should buy a kilt." "Non-Counterfeit Nike Products, CLICK HERE!!!" "Holland sounds so yummy! I just want to eat him up." "Jed is such a tragic character. Kudos to you for creating him." "Four Stars" "I just tweeted about this. AWESOME!"



Hunter Red sighs out of frustration and stares up at the ceiling of his office. When he does this, a sound is heard on Hunter's computer screen. It is a notification from Skype. Someone named "54r4|-|", pictured above, wants to talk to him. Hunter clicks on the notification to start the conversation.



54r4|-|: Hello Hunter.
Hunter Red: Hello.

Hunter's frustration is evident in his voice.

54r4|-|: What's wrong?
Hunter Red: I'm reading the comments to my latest blog post.
54r4|-|: Spammers?
Hunter Red: No. Well, not as much as normal, but that's not the problem.
54r4|-|: Flame war?
Hunter Red: No. If there was a flame war going on, I'd be having fun dicking around with these nerds.
54r4|-|: What is it then?

Hunter looks back down at his desk then looks at his computer screen.

Hunter Red: I don't know. I mean I like praise, I practically feed off it, but this just seems kind of hollow somehow.
54r4|-|: I have no idea what you mean.

Hunter groans, ends the Skype call, then gets up from his desk. Hunter Red is clearly frustrated. Hunter pulls out his phone, sends out a text, then leaves his office. Hunter goes down to Caloric, a small open air diner down the street from Hunter's office. Hunter is seated, orders a Heineken and a club sandwich. Hunter gets his beer and begins drinking it while he waits for his food. After finishing one beer, Hunter starts looking around at the nice scenery around the diner while he waits for another. He notices the breeze flowing through the trees, the leaves falling slowly toward Earth, and people outside enjoying the day. Then Hunter sees someone he recognizes.



Paul Jewetti, pictured above, an old, trusted friend of his. Hunter sees Paul and calls to him. Paul responds positively, goes over to the table Hunter's sitting at and takes a seat.

Paul Jewetti: Hey Hunter. Thanks for giving me a reason to get out of work.
Hunter Red: Does work suck?
Paul Jewetti: Is work ever good?
Hunter Red: Mine is, but I don't have to deal with people.
Paul Jewetti: Indeed. So, how are things?
Hunter Red: Things are good. You?
Paul Jewetti: Just splendid. Somebody got sick in the office, right on my desk. Just splendid.

The two continue talking and catching up like two old friends do. Then Hunter gets serious for a second.

Hunter Red: So, I wrote something a while back that I put up on my blog.
Paul Jewetti: The Reunion?
Hunter Red: Yes.
Paul Jewetti: I read it.
Hunter Red: You read all of it.
Paul Jewetti: Yes, all five parts of it. How much work did you put into it?
Hunter Red: I don't consider writing work.
Paul Jewetti: Oh, that's right.
Hunter Red: So, what did you think of it?

Paul hesitates for a moment. Hunter notices this hesitation.

Hunter Red: What?

More hesitation.

Hunter Red: Did you think it was good?

More hesitation.

Hunter Red: Did you think it was bad?

Paul's face starts to turn sour.

Hunter Red: Well, tell me.

Paul takes a deep breath, then begins.

Paul Jewetti: First of all, Jed Harbor, the main character of The Reunion, is that you?
Hunter Red: What do you mean?
Paul Jewetti: Come on.
Hunter Red: Is it that obvious?
Paul Jewetti: Hunter, every character you write is a version of yourself. That, or an amplified version of someone who tormented you in school.
Hunter Red: Okay.
Paul Jewetti: Also, Holland Wheatear, what kind of a name is that?
Hunter Red: What do you-
Paul Jewetti: Don't ask me that again. Where did you pull that name "Wheatear" out of. Also, HOLLAND IS NOT A MAN'S NAME.
Hunter Red: Holland is the name of the man who sold me my cell phone. Wheatear is a kind of bird, just like how Hato, from Volume 11, is dove in Japanese, and Sparrow, from Exhibition At Alexandria, is a fucking sparrow.
Paul Jewetti: Oh, but still, the name is very weird.
Hunter Red: I named a guy "Harbor". How is that not weird?
Paul Jewetti: I'm asking the questions here. Third, are the people in The Reunion supposed to be gay or just nerds?
Hunter Red: You mean Jed and Holland?
Paul Jewetti: Yes, because I certainly don't mean Cambra and Husbandguy. By the way, Husbandguy? Really?
Hunter Red: What? It was funny.
Paul Jewetti: Yes, it was funny, but you can't make the name of your character a joke.
Hunter Red: He's a minor character, his name isn't really essential, and why not?
Paul Jewetti: We're getting away from the point. Jed and Holland, gay or nerds?

Hunter thinks for a moment.

Hunter Red: They are nerds who happen to be gay. Besides, I'm trying to portray characters as they actually are, let people actually be, one of the things that Judith Butler tries to get people to do.
Paul Jewetti: Don't drop names like you actually know what the fuck they are talking about.

Hunter is visibly jarred by this criticism.

Hunter Red: Okay. Anyway, the point of The Reunion isn't that these charters are gay, it's that these characters are trying to reconnect. One just does it on a level the other wasn't expecting.

Paul has this disbelieving look on his face.

Paul Jewetti: Bullshit. I think you are just venting about things that are going on, or have gone on, in your life. You probably have a class reunion coming up, right?
Hunter Red: Yep.
Paul Jewetti: That you are anxious about going to, right?
Hunter Red: I'm not going to my high school reunion. I'm going to Vegas that weekend.
Paul Jewetti: But I bet you could go to your high school reunion if you gave a damn, right?
Hunter Red: Right.
Paul Jewetti: And that part where you have that chat with The Bishop about your romantic life, that actually happened, right?
Hunter Red: Not exactly in that way.
Paul Jewetti: But I bet it happened in some sort of way like that. Not only that, you are probably thinking about expanding that one, little section of The Reunion into another whole series of bits that you plan to put up the next time you go off to Vegas, right?
Hunter Red: I have a trip planned out next year to see Conan in LA. What you described is what I was planning on doing.
Paul Jewetti: I knew it! You are so damn predictable, Hunter. So god damn predictable.

Paul gets up and leaves. Hunter, with this mournful look in his eyes, watches him as he walks down the street untill he is out of sight. The waitress at Caloric brings Hunter another beer and his order. As Hunter starts to drink his second beer, he says to himself-

Hunter Red: Paul didn't even touch upon Jed seeking a romantic relationship with his old friend from high school, and the obvious connection between Holland and himself.

THE END