Sorry Thirteen Friends, Twelve Don't Matter To The Great Leader Of Trees

Friends Don't Matter

On August 5th, 2011, I made a goal to go from one thousand friends to two thousand friends on Facebook within a year. On December 20th, 2011, I accomplished this goal. One thousand friends in one hundred thirty-seven days, an average of 7.2 friends per day. Now, onward to three thousand.



Thirteen, Sorry, Twelve

This is one of those days that I'd love to bathe in digital goodness. I'd love to climb into my big soft chair and relax as I watch the wrestling I downloaded last night. I'd like to sit outside and drink coffee while I read manga I downloaded onto my iPad. I'd like to sit on a pillow, close my eyes, breate deeply, and listen to the various Amanda Palmer albums I've downloaded to my iPod.

Unfortunately, that can not be. I have to work. Work so that I can afford the digital things that I want to bathe in. Work isn't that bad. After all, through work i can afford the things that make my life so pleasurable.

Still, as I sit here with my earbuds in my ears, my iPad in front of me, typing this on my Droid, I wish I could stay like this. I wish I didn't know this had to end in thirteen minutes. Sorry, twelve



The Dear Leader Of The Great Empire

With the death of Kim Jong-Il, many have speculated about who the next leader of North Korea will be. Reports from the state media service of North Korea have stated that Kim Jong-Un will take over. However, like most things from this outlet, this report has been dismissed as propaganda meant to hide the identity of the true successor. This dismissal was given credence following the leaf of a US State Department cable on Tuesday. According to secret sources imbedded inside the North Korean government, much of the hierarchy in that government is quickly being replaced with officials from The Great Empire Of Activision.

At first news of this move was quickly discredited. However, a discovery on Wednesday lead to these reports being taken seriously. On Wednesday, an office building in Pohang that once held the South Korean Customer Service for Starcraft, a product of The Great Empire Of Activision, was found to be vacated. Among the few things left in the building were several flyers that read, "All Hail The New Great Leader BK". After looking into Burger King and British Knights, investigators started looking into possible connections to President of The Great Empire Of Activision Bobby Kotick.

A huge break in this matter came with the defection of Solanin Sakoshi. Mr. Sakoshi was found late Thursday night seeking asylum at the American Embassy in Seoul. Unlike most defectors who seek refuge from governments, Solanin Sakoshi was seeking asylum from "Activision Ui Widaehan Jegug" which roughly translates to "The Great Empire Of Activision". Among the possessions found among Mr. Sakoshi's belongings was a 422 page document detailing the planning and execution of a scheme to install Bobby Kotick as the President and Much Exhaulted And Great Leader Of The Beyond Super-Awesome Empire Of Koreavision.

When reached for comment, Mr. Kotick released the following statement:
"The reports that have been circulating about myself in recent days are beyond comical in nature. Not only am I not actively seeking the Presidency of the great communist haven that is The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea, such putrid lies are clearly creations of an American government seeking to paint The Great Empire Of Activision, a true economic power as well as a true cultural power, in a negative light. The American government's attempts to defame The Great Empire Of Activison serve only to add legitimacy to a presidency seen by many in the international community, as well as an increasing amount of people domestically, as a weak, spineless, illegitimate joke. To believe the stories circulating about The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea and The Great Empire Of Activision is to buy into a quickly diminishing farce. We here at The Great Empire Of Activision have great respect for The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea, and look forward to working hand in hand with them in the future. Quote the Kotick, nevermore."

Inquiries to the US State Department for reactions to this statement has so far gone unanswered. This publications is also currently working to get a statement in this matter from the North Korean government. However, our inside source in the international black market is currently celebrating the Christmas holiday. We hope to provide updates sometime after the holiday period, which should be around March.



Happy Sunday Keifer Sutherland

That Power That Comes With Reviewing And Interviewing

Red Review: Sims Social

Hunter Red is sitting in his house. Things of all kinds are piled up everywhere. There is very little room to move inside Hunter's house. Hunter is sitting in his big, comfy, oversized chair looking at the utter clutter.

Hunter Red- Man, my place is crammed. There's hardly any room to breathe in here, much less room. How am I supposed to attract a woman with a place this cluttered? I need more space.

Hunter Red pulls out his iPad and starts fiddling around with it.

Hunter Red- Hmmm. A ten by ten living space for twenty-four thousand simoleons. Kind of expensive, but I think I can just about afford it.

Hunter Red presses an icon on his iPad.

Hunter Red- Maneuver it over to this side, flip it add a door, and I'm done.

Hunter Red sets down his iPad. Suddenly, on one of the walls, a door appears. Hunter looks at the door and says-

Hunter Red- Kind of a simplistic design, but it'll do.

Hunter Red steps through the door and find a new, clean, clear, perfectly white room attached to his house. Hunter looks around the room and says-

Hunter Red- Great! Now to fill it with things.

Hunter Red picks up his iPad and starts fiddling with it again. Suddenly things start flying into Hunter's new room from all directions. There's a new TV, piano, drawing easel, sandwich press, hottub, king size bed, ice sculpture, all sorts of other things. So many things fly into Hunter's now formerly clean and clear room that now the new room is just as cluttered as the old room. Hunter looks around this newly cluttered room and says-

Hunter Red- Looks like I need more space, but I don't have the cash to do it.

Hunter Red look at his laptop and says-

Hunter Red- Looks like it's time to get to work. Too bad. I meant to woo-hoo this random girl from France today.

Hunter Red sits down at his laptop and starts Writing Blog Posts for one simoleon a piece untill the scene ends.


Sim Social: A-







The Red Interview- Hideo Kojima

It is just before the show is to begin and Julia Diana Bobbi look absolutely frantic.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

Liz is backstage and comes over to talk to Julia.

Liz- Julia, what's going on?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Liz, I don't- I mean- Oh Christ!
Liz- Julia, calm down. Take a deep breath and tell me what's going on.

Julia takes several deep breaths and begins to calm down.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Sorry. I'm a bit frazzled.
Liz- What's going on?
Julia Diana Bobbi- I'm not prepared for this interview I'm about to do.
Liz- The Red Interview with Hideo Kojima?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Yes. I've been going around town preparing for Christmas, and it just slipped my mind.
Liz- Okay. Can we call it off?
Julia Diana Bobbi- No. There's a full crowd, Mr. Kojima is here, I can't call it off.
Liz- Relax.

Liz starts to look around the backstage area. She sees something on a table that causes her eyes to light up. It is the latest edition of Rolling Stone.

Liz picks it up and flips through it finds an interview with Bob Seger. Liz hand the interview to Julia.

Liz- Here, use this.
Julia Diana Bobbi- What, this interview?
Liz- Yes. Repurpose the questions from this interview for the interview tonight.
Julia Diana Bobbi- But what if the questions don't fit?
Liz- A good interviewer can make anything look. Now, go!

Liz pushes Julia out onto the stage. The crowd in the theater erupts in applause at the sight of her. Julia takes a seat on an elevated platform and begins the show.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Good evening, and welcome to The Red Interview. Tonight, we have an iconic force in entertainment. Please welcome Hideo Kojima.

Hideo Kojima walks out on the stage and joins Julia on the elevated platform.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Mr. Kojima, it is so nice to have you here.
Hideo Kojima- The pleasure is all mine.
Julia Diana Bobbi- You've been in the country for some time promoting your latest work. What are your best memories from this tour so far?
Hideo Kojima- Well, a clear highlight for me is my appearance on the Spike Video Game Awards. That appearance didn't go quite as smoothly as I would have liked, but it was great to interact with the fans and see their reaction to my latest project.

Julia starts fumbling around with the magazine in her hands.

Julia Diana Bobbi- What amazes you about Springsteen?
Hideo Kojima- Excuse me?
Julia Diana Bobbi- You know, Bruce Springsteen?
Hideo Kojima- The Boss.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Yes.
Hideo Kojima- One of the things that amazes me the most about Bruce Springsteen is his longevity in music business. It is one of my sincere hopes to have the longtime impact that an artist like The Boss has had in my particular line of work.

Julia against starts fumbling around with the magazine.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Um, in addition to TV shows and online, your work is also talked about on the radio. When was the first time you heard your work talked about on the radio?
Hideo Kojima- Radio? They still have that?

Julia against starts fumbling around with the magazine.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Do you remember where you were when you first heard "Night Moves"?
Hideo Kojima- Night Moves? Is that a real thing?
Julia Diana Bobbi- I believe so.
Hideo Kojima- I thought that was just a thing from Children's Hospital.

Julia against starts fumbling around with the magazine.

Julia Diana Bobbi- I once heard John Fogerty say that he wrote songs while staring at a blank wall. Do you have any secret techniques?
Hideo Kojima- Not really. I do like reading in depth history books and drawing inspiration from the political intrigues of the past, but any people do that. I could say that I write my video games high, but I don't do that and many people do that anyway.

Julia against starts fumbling around with the magazine.

Julia Diana Bobbi- When will we get to see you again?
Hideo Kojima- I can't really talk about that, but let's just say I am formulating plans for E3.

Julia against starts fumbling around with the magazine.

Julia Diana Bobbi- You look like you've lost weight recently.
Hideo Kojima- I do?

Julia against starts fumbling around with the magazine.

Julia Diana Bobbi- So when will you pass out tonight?
Hideo Kojima- I don't pass out much anymore. I used to back when I was first programming games. That resulted in a lot of good work coming out but also resulted in me becoming really unhealthy. In recent years, I've gotten better about time management. Some would argue that has resulted in my work not living up to my previous standard, but those people can blow me.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Okay, well that is all for The Red Interview for tonight. I'd like to thank my guest, Hideo Kojima, as well as the studio audience and you the viewer for watching. Goodnight.

The stage goes dark as Julia hurriedly rushes off, leaving Hideo Kojima to sit on the raised platform in complete darkness.


END SCENE

Animation Avoidance

VGA Haterade

On the night of Saturday, December 10th, 2011, the Spike Video Game Awards were held. I was one of the fortunate people to have a totally valid and indisputable excuse for not watching the VGAs live. I was at work. This gave me the opportunity to see the reaction of many of my fellow gamers to this award show via Twitter. Based on the what I gathered from the people I follow on Twitter, the general reaction was, to put it simply...



The general reaction of the video game playing public was negative. This was not unexpected. Every year the general reaction to the VGAs is negative. One could attribute this reaction to the general sense of displeasure felt by the video game playing public to everything at every time at every place, however assuming that would be too simplistic and doesn't speak to the real problem with the VGAs. In my humble opinion, the problem with the Spike Video Game Awards is not exclusive to just that award show. It has been my experience that all award shows that air on any cable network owned by Viacom sucks. Here are some examples.

What do you remember happening at the MTV Music awards over the past couple of years? You probably answered Lady Gaga's meat dress, Beyonce's faux baby bump, and Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift. You don't know who won, who was nominated, or who performed, you just remember meat dresses, baby bumps, and Kanye.

What do you remember happening at the MTV Movie Awards outside of "Twilight eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Your answer was, in all likelihood, nothing.

Do any of you recognize the logos above? Did any of you watch the award shows attributed to those logos? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Outside of the hosts at Spooky Hour Horror Hour, has anyone ever watched the Spike Scream Awards?

The problem with the Spike Video Game Awards is a systemic one. All of the award shows on any Viacom owned cable network is seen as lame, unwatchable, and devoid of value by most of the general public, as well as the people who are the most ardent fans of whatever media platform is receiving awards at that particular award show. Also, why the fuck did Zachary Levi host the VGAs?







Vacant Tires Of Avoidance

When I was a kid my family moves a lot. It was the nature of being in the military, frequent moves to whichever strange new place my dad happened to be stationed at the time. When I was eleven this process ended, but the ending of that process involved one final move. This move was to a place that I had heard was home but was not very familiar with. Utah.

Sure, I had family in Utah that greeted me warmly, but outside of my family, very few people wanted much to do with us. This was especially pronounced at school. The kids at school either wanted nothing to do with me, or were openly hostile to me for reasons I still do not understand. Perhaps part of the reason I don't understand it now is at the time I didn't want to deal with the situation. I just wanted to go away. I just wanted to hide.

On the playground at the first elementary school I went to in Utah was a pile of tires. A pile of tires organized and constructed in a way so that kids could climb and jump and play on them. This was not a particularly popular piece of playground equipment because it was a pile of tires. During most recess periods, the pile of tires would sit vacant. This vacancy is what made these tires appealing to me.

Some days, when the kids were being especially hostile to me and the weather was not hostile, I would hide in the pile of tires. I would find a place on the inside part of one of the tires where no one could see me but I could still hear the recess bell. There were days where this strategy would work and I could successfully hide. However there were also days where this strategy would not work. This wouldn't work, not because the kids would find me, because the adults would find me. The adults would find me, not ask me why I was hiding in the pile of tires, and shove me back into a situation that was making me miserable. This situation continued to make me miserable untill the day when I was, at long last, rid of those kids.

Now, in the days when I am an adult but the kids that once surrounded me are still kids, I undertake a similar strategy of avoidance. The main difference between then and now is my choice of tire.








I'm going to put this on my blog because I can't find any way else to do it online. If any of you know a Tyson Lowe who lives in Utah, tell him to contact me. I'm tired of dealing with the situation that Tyson has gotten me into anymore.

Red Review: Super Mario 3D Land

Red Review: Super Mario 3D Land

Most people go on vacations to relax, have some fun, and enjoying living life with their friends and their family. I don't take vacations. I take adventures. For the past couple of years I've sought out and conquered the tallest, most dangerous, hardest to climb mountains in the world. It doesn't matter to me how much it costs, or how much time it will take me, if I see or hear about an infamous mountain, I will seek to conquer it.

Such is the case with my latest goal: Scaling Scott's Mountain 3. Scott's Mountain 3 has been deemed by Crazy Climber Magazine, "The most technically difficult mountain to climb in the southern hemisphere." In the forty years since the Dolorian government opened Scott's Mountain 3 to tourists, nineteen people have died trying to scale this mountain, including three people named Scott.

Once I caught wind of this natural taunt to the sport of climbing, I knew I what I had to do. I had to show this affront from God just who the real man was and flip this thing off as I was doing so. So I began training. I boned up on my fingertip climbing technique, my high altitude endurance, and my ability to turn snow into clean water that I can make ramen noodles out of in preparation for my feat.

Finally, the day came. The day when I would begin my planned eight day ascent, not only of the mountain, but also into the parthenon where the greatest men who ever existed dwells. I would conquer this mountain with only my pack, my iPod, and my handy guide Apa Sherpa by my side. The first couple of days on the mountain were relatively easy. There were very few real challenges, aside from some turtles and some persistant bumble bees. The challenge began to pick up on the fourth day. Nothing that I, as a supremely skilled climber, couldn't handle, but I could see that Apa was beginning to struggle. This is when I decided to give Apa a rest. By that I mean I forced him to drink several dozen Red Bulls.

The fifth day brought the first real challenge that I sincerely thought I could not handle. That is when I remembered something my father told me. He said, "No challenge is too big, unless you are a giant pussy." With those words I soldered on.

The sixth day was easy compared to the two days before that, however this day seemed really arduous to me. Perhaps it was because that was the first day Apa and I were forced to scavenge for food. Perhaps it was because that was the first day that I had to resort to drinking purified urine. I believe the reason that the sixth day was to difficult was that the day before Apa had broken his foot, but I insisted that he continue on in my conquest. I remember the inspirational words that drove him and I forward. "Look, Apa, just because I broke your foot last night while I was drunk is not a reason to turn back! Now, stick that bone back inside your body, and mush!"

The seventh day was kind of easy, although I don't really remember it. This is mostly due to the mushrooms I found that day. How am I supposed to know what mushrooms are for eating and which mushrooms are for getting high? That what I have Apa for, and he told me, "Sure, eat those mushrooms. There's no way those mushrooms can get you high, honest."

At the end of the eighth day, the summit was in sight. For the first time in several days, I was happy for a reason that was not connected to being in an intoxicated state. Slowly we reached the summit. Inch by inch, yard by yard, foot by broken foot, untill finally I reached the top. Apa reached the top as well, but who gives a fuck about him, I had reached the summit.

Whenever I reach the summit of a mountain, I close my eyes, to mentally prepare myself for looking back at the subject of my conquest. I take in all the sounds, smells, and feelings that I can experience before I see the beauty and majesty that I have just made my bitch. I followed the same routine upon reaching the summit of Scott's Mountain 3. After drinking in the subject of my conquest, opened my eyes and spun around on the summit. As I did so, I saw something that truly amazed me. I saw something that I had never seen before in all of my years of mountain climbing. Wanting to know more about this sight, I made an inquiry to my guide, Apa.

"Apa."

He didn't respond at first.

"Apa."

Again, no response. This is when I aroused Apa attention the only way I knew how, by hitting him.

"Apa!"

"What?"

Apa was noticeably annoyed. His indigence will later be reflected in his reduced salary.

"Apa, what the hell is that?"

I gestured toward the amazing sight with the hand I had used to strike Apa.

"What do you mean, Sir?"

"What do I mean? What the fuck do you think I mean?"

"Can we go down now? I think my foot is getting infected."

"I thought this was the summit."

"It is the summit."

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Then what the hell is that!"

I walked over in the direction of the amazing sight, thinking that Apa was unsure as to what I was referring to. Apa gave me this look like he didn't understand what I meant. I responded to this by picking up a piece of the amazing sight and throwing it at Apa's face.

"Sir, please don't throw dirt in my face again."

"What did I just throw at you?"

"Dirt, sir."

"Dirt from what?"

"Dirt from the mountain."

"What part of the mountain did I get the dirt from?"

"The part of the mountain that's connected to the ground?"

I didn't take Apa's attempt at comedy well.

"Apa, I took the dirt that I just threw at you from a part of the mountain that rises above where you told me the summit is."

"Yes."

The matter of fact way Apa said this aggravated me.

"What the fuck!"

"Sir, language."

"We've been working eight days to get to the top of Scott's Mountain 3, now we're on it, and now I find out we have more mountain to climb to get to the summit."

"You're on the summit."

I was not pleased with Apa's response, so I threw more of the mountain at him.

"What the fuck don't you understand about I'm not at the top of the mountain."

"Right, you're on the summit."

"The summit is on top of the mountain!"

"Not necessarily. The summit of the mountain can be any place on the mountain, although it is most commonly at the top. Summits of mountains can be placed at the point that is hardest to get to, not commonly reached, or is the most beautiful."

Standing there listening to Apa give this thorough explanation of the definition of "summit" made me all the more want to throw something at him.

"Apa, I want to reach the top of this mountain."

"Why, sir?"

"Don't ask me why, there is no good reason why I climb mountains."

That's not exactly true, but admitting to the true reason why I climb mountains would lead to me admitting to things that might arouse police attention.

"Apa, how much longer do we have to climb to get to the top of Scott's Mountain 3?"

"Eight days."

"So we're only half-way up the mountain?"

"Yes."

"Why is the summit placed half-way up the mountain?"

"I asked that of one of the villagers at the bottom of the mountain. He told me that the summit is placed where it is because it is a challenge but a challenge that even the weakest of infants can attain."

I didn't say anything no Apa in response to what he said. With a chill in my eyes and no expression on my face, I calmly walked toward Apa, placed my hand on his chest, and pushed him. Apa tried fervently to stop what I had done to him, but clearly my will was stronger than his. As the crunching and screaming joined with the natural sounds of the mountain, I could only look and smile.

Turning back to the amazing sight that was the rest of Scott's Mountain 3, I felt an almost instinctual urge bubble up from inside me. Conquering this mountain was not just something my mind wanted to do, it was something my body felt a drive within itself to do.

It's been six days since I shoved Apa down Scott's Mountain 3. I can see the top of the mountain, the true summit. I can also see the great immediate challenges that lie in front of me. There is a part of me that wants to go back and check on my former guide. However, there is another part of me that remembers that if Apa truly has expired that I am not obligated to pay him.

Super Marion 3D Land: B+