Sorry Thirteen Friends, Twelve Don't Matter To The Great Leader Of Trees

Friends Don't Matter

On August 5th, 2011, I made a goal to go from one thousand friends to two thousand friends on Facebook within a year. On December 20th, 2011, I accomplished this goal. One thousand friends in one hundred thirty-seven days, an average of 7.2 friends per day. Now, onward to three thousand.

Thirteen, Sorry, Twelve

This is one of those days that I'd love to bathe in digital goodness. I'd love to climb into my big soft chair and relax as I watch the wrestling I downloaded last night. I'd like to sit outside and drink coffee while I read manga I downloaded onto my iPad. I'd like to sit on a pillow, close my eyes, breate deeply, and listen to the various Amanda Palmer albums I've downloaded to my iPod.

Unfortunately, that can not be. I have to work. Work so that I can afford the digital things that I want to bathe in. Work isn't that bad. After all, through work i can afford the things that make my life so pleasurable.

Still, as I sit here with my earbuds in my ears, my iPad in front of me, typing this on my Droid, I wish I could stay like this. I wish I didn't know this had to end in thirteen minutes. Sorry, twelve

The Dear Leader Of The Great Empire

With the death of Kim Jong-Il, many have speculated about who the next leader of North Korea will be. Reports from the state media service of North Korea have stated that Kim Jong-Un will take over. However, like most things from this outlet, this report has been dismissed as propaganda meant to hide the identity of the true successor. This dismissal was given credence following the leaf of a US State Department cable on Tuesday. According to secret sources imbedded inside the North Korean government, much of the hierarchy in that government is quickly being replaced with officials from The Great Empire Of Activision.

At first news of this move was quickly discredited. However, a discovery on Wednesday lead to these reports being taken seriously. On Wednesday, an office building in Pohang that once held the South Korean Customer Service for Starcraft, a product of The Great Empire Of Activision, was found to be vacated. Among the few things left in the building were several flyers that read, "All Hail The New Great Leader BK". After looking into Burger King and British Knights, investigators started looking into possible connections to President of The Great Empire Of Activision Bobby Kotick.

A huge break in this matter came with the defection of Solanin Sakoshi. Mr. Sakoshi was found late Thursday night seeking asylum at the American Embassy in Seoul. Unlike most defectors who seek refuge from governments, Solanin Sakoshi was seeking asylum from "Activision Ui Widaehan Jegug" which roughly translates to "The Great Empire Of Activision". Among the possessions found among Mr. Sakoshi's belongings was a 422 page document detailing the planning and execution of a scheme to install Bobby Kotick as the President and Much Exhaulted And Great Leader Of The Beyond Super-Awesome Empire Of Koreavision.

When reached for comment, Mr. Kotick released the following statement:
"The reports that have been circulating about myself in recent days are beyond comical in nature. Not only am I not actively seeking the Presidency of the great communist haven that is The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea, such putrid lies are clearly creations of an American government seeking to paint The Great Empire Of Activision, a true economic power as well as a true cultural power, in a negative light. The American government's attempts to defame The Great Empire Of Activison serve only to add legitimacy to a presidency seen by many in the international community, as well as an increasing amount of people domestically, as a weak, spineless, illegitimate joke. To believe the stories circulating about The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea and The Great Empire Of Activision is to buy into a quickly diminishing farce. We here at The Great Empire Of Activision have great respect for The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea, and look forward to working hand in hand with them in the future. Quote the Kotick, nevermore."

Inquiries to the US State Department for reactions to this statement has so far gone unanswered. This publications is also currently working to get a statement in this matter from the North Korean government. However, our inside source in the international black market is currently celebrating the Christmas holiday. We hope to provide updates sometime after the holiday period, which should be around March.

Happy Sunday Keifer Sutherland

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