Sorry Thirteen Friends, Twelve Don't Matter To The Great Leader Of Trees

Friends Don't Matter

On August 5th, 2011, I made a goal to go from one thousand friends to two thousand friends on Facebook within a year. On December 20th, 2011, I accomplished this goal. One thousand friends in one hundred thirty-seven days, an average of 7.2 friends per day. Now, onward to three thousand.



Thirteen, Sorry, Twelve

This is one of those days that I'd love to bathe in digital goodness. I'd love to climb into my big soft chair and relax as I watch the wrestling I downloaded last night. I'd like to sit outside and drink coffee while I read manga I downloaded onto my iPad. I'd like to sit on a pillow, close my eyes, breate deeply, and listen to the various Amanda Palmer albums I've downloaded to my iPod.

Unfortunately, that can not be. I have to work. Work so that I can afford the digital things that I want to bathe in. Work isn't that bad. After all, through work i can afford the things that make my life so pleasurable.

Still, as I sit here with my earbuds in my ears, my iPad in front of me, typing this on my Droid, I wish I could stay like this. I wish I didn't know this had to end in thirteen minutes. Sorry, twelve



The Dear Leader Of The Great Empire

With the death of Kim Jong-Il, many have speculated about who the next leader of North Korea will be. Reports from the state media service of North Korea have stated that Kim Jong-Un will take over. However, like most things from this outlet, this report has been dismissed as propaganda meant to hide the identity of the true successor. This dismissal was given credence following the leaf of a US State Department cable on Tuesday. According to secret sources imbedded inside the North Korean government, much of the hierarchy in that government is quickly being replaced with officials from The Great Empire Of Activision.

At first news of this move was quickly discredited. However, a discovery on Wednesday lead to these reports being taken seriously. On Wednesday, an office building in Pohang that once held the South Korean Customer Service for Starcraft, a product of The Great Empire Of Activision, was found to be vacated. Among the few things left in the building were several flyers that read, "All Hail The New Great Leader BK". After looking into Burger King and British Knights, investigators started looking into possible connections to President of The Great Empire Of Activision Bobby Kotick.

A huge break in this matter came with the defection of Solanin Sakoshi. Mr. Sakoshi was found late Thursday night seeking asylum at the American Embassy in Seoul. Unlike most defectors who seek refuge from governments, Solanin Sakoshi was seeking asylum from "Activision Ui Widaehan Jegug" which roughly translates to "The Great Empire Of Activision". Among the possessions found among Mr. Sakoshi's belongings was a 422 page document detailing the planning and execution of a scheme to install Bobby Kotick as the President and Much Exhaulted And Great Leader Of The Beyond Super-Awesome Empire Of Koreavision.

When reached for comment, Mr. Kotick released the following statement:
"The reports that have been circulating about myself in recent days are beyond comical in nature. Not only am I not actively seeking the Presidency of the great communist haven that is The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea, such putrid lies are clearly creations of an American government seeking to paint The Great Empire Of Activision, a true economic power as well as a true cultural power, in a negative light. The American government's attempts to defame The Great Empire Of Activison serve only to add legitimacy to a presidency seen by many in the international community, as well as an increasing amount of people domestically, as a weak, spineless, illegitimate joke. To believe the stories circulating about The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea and The Great Empire Of Activision is to buy into a quickly diminishing farce. We here at The Great Empire Of Activision have great respect for The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea, and look forward to working hand in hand with them in the future. Quote the Kotick, nevermore."

Inquiries to the US State Department for reactions to this statement has so far gone unanswered. This publications is also currently working to get a statement in this matter from the North Korean government. However, our inside source in the international black market is currently celebrating the Christmas holiday. We hope to provide updates sometime after the holiday period, which should be around March.



Happy Sunday Keifer Sutherland

Fuckton Of Venomous Heroes

Note: This was written on Monday, February 21st, before the trade on Wednesday.
Red Interview- Deron Williams

On a raised platform with two chairs on it, two people sit. Julia Diana Bobbi and Deron Williams, both pictured above, are set for the show.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Good evening, and welcome to Red Interview. I am Julia Diana Bobbi. With me today is Deron Williams. Deron is a two-time All-Star and a gold medal winner at the 2008 Summer Olympics. Mr. Williams, welcome to the show.
Deron Williams- Thanks for having me.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Mr. Williams, recently reports have it that you are very dissatisfied here in Utah. Rumors are that you forced out long time Utah Jazz coach, Jerry Sloan, and that you have said that, upon reaching free agency, that it is your intent to sign with the New York Knicks. Deron, I'd like to first ask you, are you dissatisfied with the Utah Jazz organization?
Deron Williams- No. The Jazz is one of the best run teams in the league. I am amazed at the way that they identify young and unknown talent, develop that talent, and continue to put on the court a consistently competitive team.
Julia Diana Bobbi- If you aren't dissatisfied with the organization, why are these rumors circulating, Deron?
Deron Williams- My dissatisfaction isn't with the Utah Jazz organization, it's with the state of Utah.
Julia Diana Bobbi- How do you mean?
Deron Williams- Look, most of the year, I love living and working in Utah. The people here are warm and inviting, some of the most generous people I've even come across. Most of the year, I feel absolutely welcome here. But, my feelings about the people of Utah change when the legislature is in session.
Julia Diana Bobbi- You mean the Utah State Legislature?
Deron Williams- That is correct. The kinds of things that I hear come out of the mouths of the politicians here is almost the exact opposite of that I hear from normal everyday people. The kind of venomous hatred is something I would think that people of Utah would abhor, but they don't. Not only does the public at large not call out these politicians for what they say, they continue to vote them into office. The people of Utah seem to be affirming, year after year, the unvarnished hatred that seems to spew out of these politicians mouths.
Julia Diana Bobbi- I hear what you are saying, but I cannot help but disagree. There are plenty of fine people working up at Utah's Capital Hill, and they do exceptional work for the people of Utah.
Deron Williams- Like what?
Julia Diana Bobbi- What do you mean?
Deron Williams- Like what? You said that these politicians do exceptional work. What are they doing, and who is doing this fine work?

Julia Diana Bobbi is flustered for a moment.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, nothing comes to mind instantly, but I'm sure that I can find something.
Deron Williams- I doubt it.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, that's all the time we have for the Red Interview. I'm Julia Diana Bobbi, reminding you not to eat gum that you find in a parking lot. Wait. Who wrote that? Hunter!

Julia Diana Bobbi storms off the stage as the scene ends.


END SCENE



Modern Day Profiteering

The recent turmoil in the Middle East has caused some people to ask how this will affect things at home in America. These people are selfish. However, some effects from the Middle East are starting to be felt. In the past week, gas prices have gone up twenty-five cents a gallon over the past month, and over the past year up forty-three cents a gallon. This increase in fuel prices is expected to have a ripple effect across the consumer economy, with prices in food, clothing, and toiletries expected to go up as the price of shipping these goods goes up. However, there is one consumer product who's price increase is truly unexpected in this economy. Video games. Specifically, video games put out by The Great Empire Of Activision.

In a statement released on Monday, The Great Empire Of Activision announced a twenty percent increase in the cost of all of it's products. This includes video games, video game accessories, merchandise, Tony Hawk branded cologne, and subscriptions to World Of Warcraft. The Great Empire Of Activison attributes this cost increase to the increased cost of developing games, manufacturing games, shipping games, and maintaining the servers necessary to play the any games it provides online services for. All of those increases, The Great Empire Of Activision says, can be attributed to the increased price in fuel.

When asked if this move was wise in this current economic climate, and with video games being seen by some as a luxury, President of The Great Empire Of Activision, Bobby Kotick, said:

"How dare you! You dare to question the decisions made by The Great Empire Of Activision? You cur! Do you not realize just who you are questioning? We are The Great Empire Of Activision, damn it, and we deserve your infinite respect and honor. So we are making a fuckton of money, and this move will result in us making a slightly larger fuckton of money, we don't care. The Great Empire Of Activision's stance on this is that all the money you have belongs to us, as everything in this world and worlds beyond rightfully does. Quote the Kotick, nevermore."

When asked is this stance was wise given that the same stance is held by Chevron, BP, Shell, ExxonMobil, Koch Industries, and nearly every other oil company in America, Mr. Kotick's response was, "Don't make me go Libya on your ass. Quote the Kotick, nevermore."

Consumer response to this move has been mixed. DarkElf43345 said, "I don't want to pay the extra money, but I can't help it. I need the WoW. I can't live without it." JudyOffspring54356 said, "Well, I guess I'll have to reach deeper into my pocket to buy the next Guitar Hero game. Wait. THEY DID WHAT!!!" Finally, CognacAficionado was heard to say, "I can not possibly see how this will affect a rich, sophisticated man such as myself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play a game of such refinement, that it is only worthy of people such as myself. I'm off to play King's Quest."



We Don't Need Another Guitar Hero (Limitless)

Ever since the announcement of the cancellation of the Guitar Hero franchise by The Great Empire Of Activision, the reason for doing so was well known. However, what was not know was in what way was this announcement made internally. Through connections and light bribery, this publication has been able to obtain that internal memo. The memo was penned by President of The Great Empire Of Activision, Bobby Kotick.

OUT OF THE RUINS, OUT FROM THE WRECKAGE, WE CAN`T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE THIS TIME. WE ARE THE CREATORS OF THIS GENERATION. WE ARE THE ONES WHO WON'T BE LEFT BEHIND. I AM THE MAN WHO WILL ENACT THE CHANGE. I DO NOT EVER FEAR THAT WE WILL NOT REMAIN.

WE DON`T NEED ANOTHER GUITAR HERO. WE DON'T NEED TO CONTINUE THIS GAME. ALL I WANT IS PROFITS BEYOND LIMITLESS.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR GAMES WE CAN EXPLOIT. THERE`S GOTTA BE SOMETHING PROFITABLE OUT THERE. ORIGINALITY, THE END IS COMING. ALL THAT IS LEFT WILL BE OURS TO TAKE. AND I AM THE MAN WHO WILL ENACT THE CHANGE. I DO NOT EVER FEAR THAT WE WILL STILL REMAIN.

ALL THE SUITS SAY WE DON`T NEED ANOTHER GUITAR HERO. WE DON'T NEED TO CONTINUE THIS GAME. ALL I WANT IS PROFITS BEYOND LIMITLESS.

WE WILL SURELY DO THAT. WE WILL LEAVE A LOTTA CASH. THE EMPIRE WILL SHINE LIKE A LIGHT IN THE CURRENT DARKNESS. GIVE IT ALL OR NOTHING!

WE DON`T NEED ANOTHER GUITAR HERO. WE DON'T NEED TO CONTINUE THIS GAME. ALL I WANT IS PROFITS BEYOND LIMITLESS.

Crackdown On Flamewars

Crackdown 2 Review

Full Disclosure: My copy of Crackdown 2 came courtesy of a code given to me by Billy O'Keefe.

On my way home from work I pass many things. Gas station, Burger King, McDonald's, gas station, Wendy's, Chick-Fil-A, gas station, Chinese buffet, track housing, gas station, tire store, Wal-mart, gas station, tire store, Wal-Mart, gas station, strip club, Burger King, gas station, grocery store that has a gas station out front, gas station, and so on, and so on, and gas station.

Among the last things I pass on my way home is a gas station, and a neighbor of mine who is a horse farmer. Ron is a nice guy, always puts in a hard days work, and instills these principles in his children, 24, 17, 15, 9, 8, 4, 3, and 1. On the fence of Ron's farm is a sign that reads "Free Manure."

Now by manure Ron means horseshit. As a horse farmer, Ron as an abundant and ever growing supply of fresh, high quality, and potent "manure". Ron could sell this "manure" to people and make quite a good amount of money, especially if he sells it to liberal yuppies who are more rich than smart, but Ron doesn't do that. Ron gives "manure" away for free because that's the way his daddy did it, and his daddy before him, and his daddy who ran a gas station.

One day I took Ron up on his offer of free "manure" and took a bag full of rich smelly goodness home to spread on my lawn. Sure I have no good sense as to what to do with "manure" and how to effectively spread "manure" on my lawn, but it was free and in abundant supply. So, as I was spreading "manure" onto the various brown patches in my lawn and on the window sills of the high school I graduated from, I got to thinking: Does this "manure" being free make it good? Does a product being free make a product good? The answer in this case was no. Horseshit is horseshit. Whether you call it "manure", horseshit, or vandalism, being free does not make horseshit any better than the "manure" you can get at your local garden supply store. This is a statement you can make about most any product. From laptops, to Coca-Cola, to bullshit, being free does not make a product better.

One product that bucks this trend is Crackdown 2. I'll admit, I played the demo for the original Crackdown and nothing else. I was not motivated to buy Crackdown 2 mostly because I had heard it was a lot like the first game, which didn't impress me, and I'm broke and lack the capacity to pirate games. However, on the Sunday before it launched, I received a code to download Crackdown 2 over Live for free. So I took advantage of this opportunity to receive a game that I would have otherwise not bought, and am grateful that I did so. Crackdown 2 is a fun little game. You can spend hours traversing around in this city, collecting agility orbs and beating up zombies without ever addressing the main driving point of this game. Sure the story is a little weak, but the point of the game isn't really to tell a story. It's to provide the gamer with an environment that they and their friends can tear to pieces without having to deal with the normal things in life, like the fact that there's an absurd amount of gas stations near their home.

Saying that dollar for dollar this is the best game I own would be a disingenuous thing to say seeing as I didn't pay for it. What I can say is that if I hand't gotten this game for free I very well might have paid for it.

Crackdown 2: B



Real Live Flame Warz!!!

This is Norbel Brown. He is a graphic designer and part time explosives expert living with his wife and various kids. On Thursday, Mr. Brown went live on Justin.tv to announce that, rather than staying with Activision, the company he had spent seven years working for, he would be going to work with South Beach Games. Norbel said this decision was driven by his desire to be in a situation where he could create many great gaming experiences and win several of the industry's highest awards over the next couple of years.

This news angered Activison's CEO Bobby Kotick. Mr. Kotick even went as far as posting a letter on Activision's official website denouncing Norbel Brown. This statement contained so many inflammatory and insulting remarks that news organizations had to check with Activision to make sure that this letter was real. The letter reads as follows.

Today we have learned something about Norbel Brown. We learned what kind of a man Norbel is. We learned how much Norbel treasures the concepts of loyalty and respect that he instills in the children he works with. We also learned today how much of a total bitch Norbel Brown is. What kind of a narcissistic ass makes a public spectacle of a decision such as this? What kind of an attention whore would even contemplate drawing unnecessary attention to themselves is a manner such as this? What does this say about the kind of man that we held up as a shining example to the gaming community and the children of this country?

Well, we here at The Great Empire Of Activison will not stand for such acts. Furthermore, WE HERE AT THE GREAT EMPIRE OF ACTIVISON WILL WORK TO CREATE GAMES THAT WILL CRUSH THE PITIFUL OFFERINGS BROUGHT TO THE MARKET BY NORBEL BROWN, AND WE WILL PREVAIL OVER SOUTH BEACH GAMES, AND WILL OWN THEIR ASSES IN THE MARKET. Also, WE WILL WIN THE SAME AWARDS THAT NORBEL BROWN WANTS TO WIN, BUT WE WILL WIN THEM SOONER! AND WE WILL WIN MORE OF THEM! SO THERE!

Quote the Kotick, nevermore!

No comments have been made by Activison refuting the comments put online by Bobby Kotick on Thursday night, but that is probably because all of Activision's employees are afraid Mr. Kotick will rage out on them and attack them with a flaming basketball jersey.

****- The Cult Of Tony Hawk Versus Phaetons

Red Has Found Religion… Again

In the past, I have asserted my atheistic beliefs when many different arguments arose. These include the existence of ghosts, the source of luck, and the sexual orientation of mountain goats. However, as of April 14th, I can assert my atheistic beliefs no longer. This is because I no longer hold those beliefs. I have discovered a new faith, one which I wholeheartedly believe in. What is this faith? I’ll deal with that question later, but first the reason for my epiphany.

The Church of Scientology teaches us that the source of all religious belief is Phaetons. Phaetons are enemies of the merciless dictator Xenu who were frozen, dropped into volcanoes on Earth, and exploded into minute particles that infect the minds of the humans on Earth. Not all Phaetons were released in the initial explosions. In fact, Phaetons are released every time a volcano erupts, allowing more Phaetons to infect the minds of humans, new religious beliefs emerge. This explains the emergence of The Church Of Latter Day Saints, Lutherans, Protestantism, and The Cult Of Palin.

On April 14th, Mt. Eyjafjallajökull began erupting, releasing huge plumes of volcano ash over the continent of Europe and a small amount of Phaetons worldwide. This resulted in many persons who previously uninfected to become infected with Phaetons. One of them is me. I have accepted a new religion into my life, the Davidcan faith. What is Davidcanism? Glad you asked.

This is David Vaughn Wolf. David is God’s chosen emissary on Earth. David is the one true prophet and he loves us all and aspired to be with us all. David has bestowed upon me the honor of telling the world of his glory, and I am more than willing to do so.

David has bestowed upon me many gifts, and not just the gift of his seed. It was David who said unto me, “Go get me a beer, ginger.” Verily I did get David that beer, and that beer was good, so the great prophet David said unto me. David had done many great things in this world. David is the one who cured cancer. David is the one who discovered Delaware. David is the one who created the Swiffer. Finally, David is the one who has won the World Wrestling Entertainment Title an unprecedented twenty-five times.

David Vaughn Wolf’s glory and majesty is unquestionable, and yet people persist is questioning the unquestionable. Such questioning of the unquestionable glory and majesty of the one unquestionable true prophet David Vaughn Wolf ceases upon meeting the one unquestionable true prophet, like I have unquestionable have. Soon a mechanism will be established for you to question the one unquestionable true prophet, just as soon as we pay the guy who’s making our website.

Soon all people will be able to bathe in the glory that is David Vaughn Wolf just as I have, and also bathe in his seed. For it is not until David truly becomes a part of your very being that you truly feels what it’s like to be whole, to be fulfilled, and to have wholly fulfillment.

David be with you.



Red Joins Another Cult

So I bought an iPad on Thursday. I'm going to try out type out my blog for next week on my iPad and see if it'll work well. Who knows, I might start working Project Carole on my new toy. That or watch the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy on it.




TGAPBTGEA?

This week some massive banking revenue amounts were revealed. Goldman Sachs was revealed to have made $3.46 Billion in just the first quarter of 2010 alone. Wells Fargo was revealed to have made $2.5 Billion in the first quarter of 2010. There has been much knashing, wailing, bitching, and moaning about this news. One person said of this story, "They made that much money? How can we get a piece of that action?". That person was the President of Activision, Bobby Kotick.

In the wake of the news involving Goldman Sachs and Wells Fargo, The Great Empire Of Activision has been positioning itself to enter the banking industry. The legality of such a move is in question, but The Great Empire Of Activision is an American corporation, and laws are an irrelevant concept to American corporations. In a secret memo unearthed by the people at Unearthingsecretmemos.com, Bobby Kotick is quoted as saying, "The massive revenues of Goldman Sachs and Wells Fargo are an affront to The Great Empire Of Activision. Such an affront must be stopped and The Great Empire Of Activisionis the only entity in a position to do so in an expedient fashion. The Great Empire Of Activision will crush Goldman Sachs and Wells Fargo with great vengeance and furious anger! Quote the Koteck, nevermore!"

The Great and All Powerful Bank of The Great Empire Of Activision is expected to be formally established in the first quarter of 2012, in time with the release of Starcraft 2. This bank is expected to offer direct deposit, check cards with your WoW character on them,the ability to buy Guitar Hero tracks with money from your checking account, and home forecloseures performed by Tony Hawk.