****- Resident Evil 5 Review

Part 1- Sheva

One of the classes I took in college was Fundamentals Of Business. One of the assignments I did for the class was a group project. I did this project with a person named Denis. I say I did this with Denis because when I turned it in, it was credited as being by Hunter and Denis.

Let me be clear, I did the group project. I did the research, the writing, word processing, printing, visual aids, everything. All Denis did was tell jokes and hit on the library assistant. Denis in no way helped with the project, and when I informed the instructor of this, his grade reflected it, as well it should have.

Ever since then I've had a severe problem with anyone I work with who does not pull their weight. Group projects, my job, yard work, podcasting, video games, whatever. This is why I hate Sheva.



How the fuck can this woman not know the difference between an enemy and my shoulder? Why the fuck does she wander off during a level and get herself blown the fuck up? Why does she hold strongly to a weak ass handgun when she's got a fucking boomstick at her disposal? Why the fuck does she waste badly needed health items? Why? Why? Why?

There are times when I was playing this game when I owuld start muttering the lyrics to this song.



If only Sheva had a brain.


Part 2- Story



As has been well documented, one of my favorite games is Metal Gear Solid 4. One of my favorite aspects of that game is the story. The story in MGS4 is smart, compelling and expertly crafted. The story in MGS4 stands as a testament to good narrative in video games.

The different levels in MGS4 help to pull off this narrative. These levels, while being in different locations, are similar in a way that meshes greatly with the story while not being repetitive. The levels in Metal Gear Solid 4 are so great, I would like to play them individually in the future.

The cohesiveness in the levels in Resident Evil 5 are as nearly opposite to the cohesiveness in the levels in MGS4 as they can be. You go from a worn down city to a lake with primitive villages surrounding it to a labyrinthine tomb to an advanced scientific laboratory to a state of the art oil tanker to an active volcano. The absurd variance in the locations of the levels in RE5 can only be tied together by way of an illogical and highly unbelievable story, which is exactly what Capcom has delivered. As a developing writer, the story in Resident Evil 5 has taught me an important lesson: What not to do.

The bottom line is if you want an example of good story telling in video games, look at Metal Gear Solid 4. If you want an example of abysmal story telling, look at Resident Evil 5.


Part 3- Enemies



In August of 2002, I began working for the United States Postal Service. One of the things that every USPS employee receives is free psychological care. This is a perk that I have utilized.

Among the first things we discussed was my long time fear of dogs. After several deep probing discussions, my doctor diagnosed me as suffering from cynophobia, the psychological term for fear of dogs. Despite medication and aversion therapy, I still suffer from this condition.

This fear has altered the way I perceive the enemies in Resident Evil 5. There are gigantic tentacled monsters, men carrying guns the size of a truck, canvas bag wearing psychopaths wielding chainsaws, and even a Kraken. To me, the emotional reaction I had to those enemies is nothing compared to how frightened I was every time I saw a dog in RE5. The following is something I actually said while playing RE5.

"Aaaaah! You god damn mother fucking bitch! Taste my boomstick! Blam! Blam! Blam! Had enough? Blam!"

The biggest waste of ammo I experienced in this game was me burying round after round into already dead canines. I have an appointment with my psychologist to discuss this on Monday.


Part 4- Quick Time Events

I hate quick time events. Press X to continue reading this review.



Now press B to proceed.



Press R1+L1 or I'll kill you!



Now punch this picture of Denis Leary or I'll really kill you!



Too late, you lose!



Just kidding, why would I subject you to that shit? Now press Я to continue.




Part 5- Multiplayer

Oh wait, I can't review multiplayer. This is not because it's good or bad, I simply didn't play it. I didn't even do the co-op main story experience that would have saved me from the empty headedness that is Sheva.

Why can't I review the multiplayer? I played Resident Evil 5 on the PS3, and trying to play games over PSN is like trying to verbally communicate with someone who is nearly deaf. Not impossible, but there are better ways to do it.

Remember when EA had a pissing match with Microsoft over not being able to host their own servers so they pulled out of Live? Publishers should take a similar stance with Sony over PSN. Improve or we walk.


Part 6- The Final Part... Unless I Write Another

Based on everything that proceeded this, you would thing that I would be entirely negative about Resident Evil 5. That is not the case. If this game did not have anything positive about it, I would not have finished it. After all, I'm not getting paid for this shit, I play games for leisure, and I don't want to spend my leisure time doing things I hate.

There are several good things about RE5. In my time playing it, the game never crashed on me. I never got stuck in a level with no means to escape. Also, the game was challenging without being infuriatingly frustrating. It was frustrating at times, but that was until I took a deep breath, calmed down, and figured out that I was stupidly bull rushing into things.

However, this game has clear and evident problems. One of them is Sheva, who's stupidity persists from the first level to the final battle. Sheva is of minuscule help in RE5 and serves mostly as a mobile way of carrying nine extra item slots. I preferred the attache case in Resident Evil 4. Yes, I had to pause every time I switched weapons, but at least I gained a higher capacity as the game went on.

The story in RE5 is weak and poorly delivered. I know that not a lot of games have great stories, but that's not an excuse. Just because no one else is doing the job well is not an excuse to do job poorly. In fact, it serves as an opportunity to do the job excellently.

Overall, Resident Evil 5 isn't bad, it's just not that good. RE5 is about average to fractionally below average. However, this game would be greatly improved if only Sheva had a brain.

Resident Evil 5: C-

****- Lara's Dog Breaks A Window

Lara Croft's Not Available!



At recent events, such as GDC, Treasure Hunter Day at the British Museum, and the annual Redertainment Easter Bash, Alison Carroll, the model who portrays Lara Croft, has been spotted wearing a gold band on her left hand. This is traditionally a sign that someone is married.

When asked about this, Miss Carroll said, "I was tired of people endlessly hitting on me at events. This serves as an outward expression that I'm not available." When it was pointed out to her that most nerds lack social graces, and the romantic advances would probably continue unabated, Miss Carroll was heard to say, "Shit!"


Cynophobia Rears It's Cure Laid Head

One of the things I plan to do this summer is take a long vacation. I plan to go to many places, see many things, and get rejected by a ton of women.

One of the places I was planning to go was the White House. I was going to take the tour, take lots of pics, and generally enjoy myself. Those plans were officially dashed on Tuesday. Why? One word: Bo.



Cute yet frightening. Much like children.


A Day In The Offices Of The Redertainment Corporation Of America



Hunter Red, pictured above, is sitting in his office, hard at work on the next Four Stars Blog, when his secretary, Liz, enters to give him a message.

Liz- Mr Red.
Hunter Red- Yes.
L- There's a Jack Thompson on the phone for you.
R- Why is he calling me? Is he upset about something I wrote?
L- No, he wants to talk about the situation between himself and Mike Waddoups.
R- What line is he on?
L- Two.
R- Thank you.
Liz leaves as Hunter picks up the phone.
R- Hello.
Thompson- Is this Hunter Red?
R- Speaking.
T- I want to talk to you about the outrageous situation that's developed between myself and Mike Waddoups.
R- Okay, I'm listening.
T- I thought I had this support. He helped me craft the legislation, rallied support for it, even voted for it. But when one thing goes wrong, like that heathen governor vetoing the bill, he bails. Has he always been this flaky?
R- You think maybe you did something to aggravate him?
T- Like what?
R- Mike Waddoups is a Mormon.
T- So?
R- And the Mormon Church frowns on pornography.
T- And?
R- Because Mike Waddoups is a Mormon, and the Mormon Church frowns on pornography, it is reasonable to say that Waddoups frowns on pornography and would therefore not appreciate someone sending it to him over and over and over.
There is a short pause, then Jack says-
T- Did you see the pornographic image, because I can send it to you.
R- No, I don't need you to send me anything.
Hunter's computer chimes.
T- You get that thing I sent ya?
Hunter goes over to his computer and opens a message.
R- Yeah, I see it.
T- Does it offend you like it offends me?
R- No, not really.
There is a short pause, then Jack says-
T- Are you sure you saw it, cause I can fax it to ya.
R- Do we even have fax machines in this office?
A machine in Hunter's office begins to hum and wirr. Hunter then hears several more machines start to turn on similarly.
T- I didn't know which fax number was yours, so I sent it to all the numbers in your office.
The machine in Hunter's office spits out a piece of paper. Hunter picks up the paper then says-
R- Oh no.
L- What the hell?
Thomas Anderson- Why am I receiving this? Who sent this through the Matrix?
Seifer Kinneas- Score! Free porn!
T- Ya get that thing I sent ya?
R- Yeah, several people in my office did.
SK- Finally, something to replace Penthouse.
T- Does it offend you like it does me?
R- No, in fact, I'm offended that you re-sent this to me.
SK- Hey Liz, you wanna try what's in this picture?
T- Are you sure you saw it, cause there's another way I can deliver it to ya.
R- How else are you going to deliver the image to me?
As Hunter finished that sentence, the window in his office broke.
R- What the hell?
Hunter gets up to look at the shattered glass and finds a rock among the glass. Hunter goes to the window and looks out to see Jack standing on top of a panel wan.
R- What the fuck are you doing?
T- Look!
Jack points down at the panel van. On the side of the panel van, in full color and detail, is the picture in question.
T- Ya get that thing I sent ya?
R- Jack, it might be illegal to send pornographic images repeatedly to a public official. It could be illegal to fax pornographic images to an entire office. However, it IS illegal to have a pornographic image plastered on the side of a panel van parked out in public view.
T- So you agree it's a pornographic image!
R- No, Jack, NO!
T- You said it, you agree with me! Hunter agrees with me, he thinks GTA should be banned.
Jack starts to parade around and repeat his last sentence as Hunter fruitlessly pleads for him to stop. This continues until, all of a sudden, a dart is shot into Jack's neck. Jack falls off the panel van and lands with a thud on the sidewalk. Hunter is puzzled by this event. Looking out the window, he leans forward and looks directly down to see Bill Allred with a dart gun in his hand.
Bill- Hey Hunter.
R- Hey Bill.
B- I was wondering if you could do something for me.
R- Sure, what?
B- Can you work in a plug for Delightful Water Universe into your blog post this week?
R- Sure, I'll try.
B- Thanks.
R- No problem.
Hunter pulls his head from his window and sits back at his desk. Hunter studies the picture Jack sent him for a moment and says-
R- Anyone who'd get their rocks off to that is one pathetic puppy.
Hunter deletes the image and gets back to work.
THE END

****- Red Interviews Donkey

PSNFU!

I had full intentions of writing a review of Resident Evil 5 for this week's post. However, I was unable to finish the game in time and am unable to review it. I am prepared to review something else, inspired by the fact that I own RE5 on PS3.



I knew this guy in junior high named Ronald. Ronald was bizarre. Let me be clear, I am weird, and there is nothing wrong with that. Ronald was bizarre, meaning that he was beyond weird to the point where there was something wrong with him. Ronald owned a donkey. This is not why Ronald was weird, it was just his pet.



Ronald lived down the street from an elementary school. Every time a ball rolled down the street and settled in his yard, rather than giving it back, Ronald gave the ball to his donkey to play with. Over the years, Ronald's donkey collected a number of balls. Baseballs, basketballs, footballs, four square balls, all sorts of balls for all sorts of activities.



Like most bizarre people, Ronald had a bizarre friend, named Nancy. What made Nancy bizarre? She liked to suck on things, lots of things. Her fingers, pencils, remote controls, dry wall, all sorts of things. One of the things Nancy liked to suck on was Ronald's donkey's toy balls. It could be very easily said that Nancy liked to suck donkey balls.



Apparently PSN also likes to suck donkey balls. What does PSN do well? Nothing!
Auto Sign In: Doesn't work
Friends List: Unimaginative and boring
Playstation Store: Redertainment.com has a better, easy to navigate interface, and I paid shit for it!
Downloading things: If I didn't have to babysit the thing as it downloads, I might download more, but NO! I either have to sit and watch it or trigger it to download, have it remain on, and hope nothing breaks. I have a fucking job, I don't need to be worrying about my console while I'm listening to people bitch about how theirs broke!
Home: Home can be described as most resembling the intake valve of an industrial size air compressor. You can't blame it for doing what it does. It sucks, and seems fucking designed to do only that!


Now I know what you're going to say. "But Hunter, PSN is free, you have to pay $50 a year for Live." True, and I pay for Live. In fact, I willingly for for Live as I see it as a good use of my money. I would never willingly pay for the shit that is PSN. If I wanted to pay for shit, I've got an uncle who's a horse farmer who could get me high quality shit for a cheap fucking price! Why would I give my fucking money for low quality shit?

PSN: F


The Red Interview- Timothy Geithner



Hello, this is The Red Interview and I am your host Hunter Red.
(Applause begins)
Stop it!
(Applause stops)
My guest tonight is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Mr. Geithner, welcome.

G- Let me just say thank you for having me.
R- Thank you for being here. We're here today to discuss the current economic crisis and it's effect on the video game industry. Mr. Geithner-
G- Let me just say yes.
R- A number of different video game companies have hit hard times. Among these are the prominent sale and later bankruptcy of Midway. To date, none of these companies have even been rumored to receive any substantive assistance from the federal government. Do you expect these companies to have a bright future, and if so, how?
G- Let me just say that with the moves the Treasury has made in recent weeks, we expect many companies to have a substantive increase in profits, and video game companies are among them. Let me just say that the video game industry has been driven by consumer spending, and as consumers take home income increases, the amount they can spend on many things, including video games, will increase.
R- But the consumer may not necessarily spend that increased take home salary. One of the driving forces in this economic downturn was an excess of credit and a lack of savings. What's to stop consumers from retracting their non-budgeted salary from the marketplace, and instead put it away for the next rainy day?
G- Let me just say-
R- (Hunter motions off camera) No, no, no, stop, stop tape. Mister Geithner, I saw your interview on Face The Nation on Sunday, April 5th-
G- Let me just say I'm glad to hear that. Let me just say for a person your age to be-
R- There! Right there! That is why I stopped tape. Throughout your interview on Face The Nation, and in the early part of this interview, you kept on repeating the phrase "Let me just say."
G- Let me just say what is wrong with that?
R- It's a vocal crutch. People use vocal crutches like "You Know" and "Like" when they are unsre as to what they are saying.
G- Let me just say that I have full confidence in what I am saying.
R- Then why don't you stop saying "Let me just say"?
G- Let me just say that I don't feel particularity motivated to.
Hunter reaches under the table and pulls out a gun which he places on the table.
G- Let me just say what is that?
R- It's a pellet gun. It hurts like hell but does no real damage. Mr. Geithner, if you say "Let me just say" one more time, I am going to shoot you in the face with a pellet gun.
Mr. Geithner dramatically looks at the gun, then Hunter, then the gun, then Hunter, then a baby seal, then the gun.
G- Let me just say-
Hunter shoots Mr. Geithner in the face with a pellet gun.
G- Let me just say ow! Let me just say ow! Let me just say you mother fucking son of a bitch!
R- Hey tax cheat!
Hunter trains the pellet gun on Mr. Geithner.
R- Is this proper motivation for you to not say "Let me just say"?
Mr. Geithner again dramatically looks at Hunter. He looks at him for a long time, then says-
G- Let me just say yes.
Hunter shoots Mr. Geithner in the face with a pellet gun, again.
G- Let me just say ow!
R- Yeah! You didn't think I'd do it again, did ya!
G- Let me just say fuck this! Let me just say I am fucking out of here.
Mr. Geithner gets up and storms out.
R- It's better than the treatment you'd get at Fox News!

Well, that's all for this edition of The Red Interview. I'd like to thank Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, and our sponsor Little Jimmy Pellet Guns. Remember, if it's says Little Jimmy, it's gonna hurt like hell. I'm Hunter Red, reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your dog or cat donated to that satanic cult. Night y'all!

****-Dissapointing Yet Practically Shocking Upskirt Taliban Pics

Green Beer = Practical Jokes



I have several friends who drink. recently, I was talking with these friends about St. Patrick's Day. Now you would think that, being St. Patrick's Day, they would love to go out drinking that night. In fact, they actively avoid drinking that night.

My drinking friends refer to St. Patrick's Day as "Amateur Drinking Night". On this night, people who don't regularly drink get plastered beyond all comprehension on alcohol that tastes like piss. Green beer sucks, green plastic bowler hats suck, people dressed up in green leprechaun gear sucks, the whole night just sucks. Also, if you're not lucky, somebody throws up on you, as opposed to most nights when you have to pay for that shit.



Not being a regular drinker, I would hear their pain, but not really sympathize as I have no real frame of reference to do so. Then I saw some of the pathetic jokes that were pulled around me on April Fools Day. As a satarists, I now feel my drinking friends pain about St. Patrick's day.



April 1st: Amateur Satirists Day


An Open Letter To WWE



Dear WWE,

I've been a loyal fan for well over a decade now. I've purchased your pay-per-views, video games, DVDs, and even action figures. I've been to several live events and every day wear a Hardy Boys pendant I bought at a show.

On Saturday morning, like every week, I sat down to watch Friday Night Smackdown. I expected to get a good wrestling show with some subtle promos for Wrestlemania 25. That is not what I got. If you guys wanted to do an infomercial for Wrestlemania 25, you probably could have gotten the Shamwow guy for cheap. Although you probably would have had to keep the divas away from his as he has a reputation for assaulting prostitutes.




NHL!



On Saturday, the Boston Bruins clinched the top spot in the NHL's Eastern Division. In other news, the NHL still exists!




DSi List



BEHOLD! THE GRAND SPECTACULAR LIST OF THINGS I PLAN TO DO WITH MY DSi!!!

#1- Take secret illicit up-skirt pics while riding the train.
#2- Play games. (Maybe)

BEHOLD! THE GRAND SPECTACULAR LIST OF THINGS I PLAN TO DO WITH MY DSi IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Final Fantasy: Taliban Edition



People have been wondering for generations why the country of Afghanistan is so hard to conquer and the people therein so resilient. The Russians failed to conquer Afghanistan, the US is experiencing much difficulty there, the last foreign leader to succeed there was Alexander the Great around 320 BC. The answer to this question may have finally been discovered. Last Tuesday, Marines raided a Taliban stronghold outside of Taluqan. In this stronghold was discovered a cache of items used by the Taliban in their battles with many various foreign powers. Among these itmes were assault rifles, explosives, crude biological weapons, and phoenix down. That's right, the Taliban has phoenix down.



For those not in the know, allow me to explain what phoenix down is. Phoenix down is a rare and expensive drug made from bird feathers that can, when delivered to someone who is deceased, bring that person back to life. Phoenix down was first discovered in 1987 in a field near Coneria. Phoenix down is abundant and heavily used in Midgar, Dalmasca, Ivalice, and Mt. Gagazet.

According to internal Pentagon documents, phoenix down rivals opium as a leading Afghan export. Many attempts to curb the production of phoenix down have failed as the price of phoenix down has been skyrocketing to nearly $2,500 for one dose. The Pentagon also credits phoenix down as, "The only thing keeping Osama bin Laden alive."

The current whereabouts of the confiscated phoenix down is unknown. Reports have it in the possession of a deliveryman who is en route to a well connected figure who may need the phoenix down very soon. This deliveryman has only been identified as "Scooter".