****- Resident Evil 5 Review

Part 1- Sheva

One of the classes I took in college was Fundamentals Of Business. One of the assignments I did for the class was a group project. I did this project with a person named Denis. I say I did this with Denis because when I turned it in, it was credited as being by Hunter and Denis.

Let me be clear, I did the group project. I did the research, the writing, word processing, printing, visual aids, everything. All Denis did was tell jokes and hit on the library assistant. Denis in no way helped with the project, and when I informed the instructor of this, his grade reflected it, as well it should have.

Ever since then I've had a severe problem with anyone I work with who does not pull their weight. Group projects, my job, yard work, podcasting, video games, whatever. This is why I hate Sheva.



How the fuck can this woman not know the difference between an enemy and my shoulder? Why the fuck does she wander off during a level and get herself blown the fuck up? Why does she hold strongly to a weak ass handgun when she's got a fucking boomstick at her disposal? Why the fuck does she waste badly needed health items? Why? Why? Why?

There are times when I was playing this game when I owuld start muttering the lyrics to this song.



If only Sheva had a brain.


Part 2- Story



As has been well documented, one of my favorite games is Metal Gear Solid 4. One of my favorite aspects of that game is the story. The story in MGS4 is smart, compelling and expertly crafted. The story in MGS4 stands as a testament to good narrative in video games.

The different levels in MGS4 help to pull off this narrative. These levels, while being in different locations, are similar in a way that meshes greatly with the story while not being repetitive. The levels in Metal Gear Solid 4 are so great, I would like to play them individually in the future.

The cohesiveness in the levels in Resident Evil 5 are as nearly opposite to the cohesiveness in the levels in MGS4 as they can be. You go from a worn down city to a lake with primitive villages surrounding it to a labyrinthine tomb to an advanced scientific laboratory to a state of the art oil tanker to an active volcano. The absurd variance in the locations of the levels in RE5 can only be tied together by way of an illogical and highly unbelievable story, which is exactly what Capcom has delivered. As a developing writer, the story in Resident Evil 5 has taught me an important lesson: What not to do.

The bottom line is if you want an example of good story telling in video games, look at Metal Gear Solid 4. If you want an example of abysmal story telling, look at Resident Evil 5.


Part 3- Enemies



In August of 2002, I began working for the United States Postal Service. One of the things that every USPS employee receives is free psychological care. This is a perk that I have utilized.

Among the first things we discussed was my long time fear of dogs. After several deep probing discussions, my doctor diagnosed me as suffering from cynophobia, the psychological term for fear of dogs. Despite medication and aversion therapy, I still suffer from this condition.

This fear has altered the way I perceive the enemies in Resident Evil 5. There are gigantic tentacled monsters, men carrying guns the size of a truck, canvas bag wearing psychopaths wielding chainsaws, and even a Kraken. To me, the emotional reaction I had to those enemies is nothing compared to how frightened I was every time I saw a dog in RE5. The following is something I actually said while playing RE5.

"Aaaaah! You god damn mother fucking bitch! Taste my boomstick! Blam! Blam! Blam! Had enough? Blam!"

The biggest waste of ammo I experienced in this game was me burying round after round into already dead canines. I have an appointment with my psychologist to discuss this on Monday.


Part 4- Quick Time Events

I hate quick time events. Press X to continue reading this review.



Now press B to proceed.



Press R1+L1 or I'll kill you!



Now punch this picture of Denis Leary or I'll really kill you!



Too late, you lose!



Just kidding, why would I subject you to that shit? Now press Я to continue.




Part 5- Multiplayer

Oh wait, I can't review multiplayer. This is not because it's good or bad, I simply didn't play it. I didn't even do the co-op main story experience that would have saved me from the empty headedness that is Sheva.

Why can't I review the multiplayer? I played Resident Evil 5 on the PS3, and trying to play games over PSN is like trying to verbally communicate with someone who is nearly deaf. Not impossible, but there are better ways to do it.

Remember when EA had a pissing match with Microsoft over not being able to host their own servers so they pulled out of Live? Publishers should take a similar stance with Sony over PSN. Improve or we walk.


Part 6- The Final Part... Unless I Write Another

Based on everything that proceeded this, you would thing that I would be entirely negative about Resident Evil 5. That is not the case. If this game did not have anything positive about it, I would not have finished it. After all, I'm not getting paid for this shit, I play games for leisure, and I don't want to spend my leisure time doing things I hate.

There are several good things about RE5. In my time playing it, the game never crashed on me. I never got stuck in a level with no means to escape. Also, the game was challenging without being infuriatingly frustrating. It was frustrating at times, but that was until I took a deep breath, calmed down, and figured out that I was stupidly bull rushing into things.

However, this game has clear and evident problems. One of them is Sheva, who's stupidity persists from the first level to the final battle. Sheva is of minuscule help in RE5 and serves mostly as a mobile way of carrying nine extra item slots. I preferred the attache case in Resident Evil 4. Yes, I had to pause every time I switched weapons, but at least I gained a higher capacity as the game went on.

The story in RE5 is weak and poorly delivered. I know that not a lot of games have great stories, but that's not an excuse. Just because no one else is doing the job well is not an excuse to do job poorly. In fact, it serves as an opportunity to do the job excellently.

Overall, Resident Evil 5 isn't bad, it's just not that good. RE5 is about average to fractionally below average. However, this game would be greatly improved if only Sheva had a brain.

Resident Evil 5: C-