I have several friends who drink. recently, I was talking with these friends about St. Patrick's Day. Now you would think that, being St. Patrick's Day, they would love to go out drinking that night. In fact, they actively avoid drinking that night.
My drinking friends refer to St. Patrick's Day as "Amateur Drinking Night". On this night, people who don't regularly drink get plastered beyond all comprehension on alcohol that tastes like piss. Green beer sucks, green plastic bowler hats suck, people dressed up in green leprechaun gear sucks, the whole night just sucks. Also, if you're not lucky, somebody throws up on you, as opposed to most nights when you have to pay for that shit.
Not being a regular drinker, I would hear their pain, but not really sympathize as I have no real frame of reference to do so. Then I saw some of the pathetic jokes that were pulled around me on April Fools Day. As a satarists, I now feel my drinking friends pain about St. Patrick's day.
April 1st: Amateur Satirists Day
An Open Letter To WWE
Dear WWE,
I've been a loyal fan for well over a decade now. I've purchased your pay-per-views, video games, DVDs, and even action figures. I've been to several live events and every day wear a Hardy Boys pendant I bought at a show.
On Saturday morning, like every week, I sat down to watch Friday Night Smackdown. I expected to get a good wrestling show with some subtle promos for Wrestlemania 25. That is not what I got. If you guys wanted to do an infomercial for Wrestlemania 25, you probably could have gotten the Shamwow guy for cheap. Although you probably would have had to keep the divas away from his as he has a reputation for assaulting prostitutes.
NHL!
On Saturday, the Boston Bruins clinched the top spot in the NHL's Eastern Division. In other news, the NHL still exists!
DSi List
BEHOLD! THE GRAND SPECTACULAR LIST OF THINGS I PLAN TO DO WITH MY DSi!!!
#1- Take secret illicit up-skirt pics while riding the train.
#2- Play games. (Maybe)
BEHOLD! THE GRAND SPECTACULAR LIST OF THINGS I PLAN TO DO WITH MY DSi IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Final Fantasy: Taliban Edition
People have been wondering for generations why the country of Afghanistan is so hard to conquer and the people therein so resilient. The Russians failed to conquer Afghanistan, the US is experiencing much difficulty there, the last foreign leader to succeed there was Alexander the Great around 320 BC. The answer to this question may have finally been discovered. Last Tuesday, Marines raided a Taliban stronghold outside of Taluqan. In this stronghold was discovered a cache of items used by the Taliban in their battles with many various foreign powers. Among these itmes were assault rifles, explosives, crude biological weapons, and phoenix down. That's right, the Taliban has phoenix down.
For those not in the know, allow me to explain what phoenix down is. Phoenix down is a rare and expensive drug made from bird feathers that can, when delivered to someone who is deceased, bring that person back to life. Phoenix down was first discovered in 1987 in a field near Coneria. Phoenix down is abundant and heavily used in Midgar, Dalmasca, Ivalice, and Mt. Gagazet.
According to internal Pentagon documents, phoenix down rivals opium as a leading Afghan export. Many attempts to curb the production of phoenix down have failed as the price of phoenix down has been skyrocketing to nearly $2,500 for one dose. The Pentagon also credits phoenix down as, "The only thing keeping Osama bin Laden alive."
The current whereabouts of the confiscated phoenix down is unknown. Reports have it in the possession of a deliveryman who is en route to a well connected figure who may need the phoenix down very soon. This deliveryman has only been identified as "Scooter".
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