At recent events, such as GDC, Treasure Hunter Day at the British Museum, and the annual Redertainment Easter Bash, Alison Carroll, the model who portrays Lara Croft, has been spotted wearing a gold band on her left hand. This is traditionally a sign that someone is married.
When asked about this, Miss Carroll said, "I was tired of people endlessly hitting on me at events. This serves as an outward expression that I'm not available." When it was pointed out to her that most nerds lack social graces, and the romantic advances would probably continue unabated, Miss Carroll was heard to say, "Shit!"
Cynophobia Rears It's Cure Laid Head
One of the things I plan to do this summer is take a long vacation. I plan to go to many places, see many things, and get rejected by a ton of women.
One of the places I was planning to go was the White House. I was going to take the tour, take lots of pics, and generally enjoy myself. Those plans were officially dashed on Tuesday. Why? One word: Bo.
Cute yet frightening. Much like children.
A Day In The Offices Of The Redertainment Corporation Of America
Hunter Red, pictured above, is sitting in his office, hard at work on the next Four Stars Blog, when his secretary, Liz, enters to give him a message.
Liz- Mr Red.
Hunter Red- Yes.
L- There's a Jack Thompson on the phone for you.
R- Why is he calling me? Is he upset about something I wrote?
L- No, he wants to talk about the situation between himself and Mike Waddoups.
R- What line is he on?
L- Two.
R- Thank you.
Liz leaves as Hunter picks up the phone.
R- Hello.
Thompson- Is this Hunter Red?
R- Speaking.
T- I want to talk to you about the outrageous situation that's developed between myself and Mike Waddoups.
R- Okay, I'm listening.
T- I thought I had this support. He helped me craft the legislation, rallied support for it, even voted for it. But when one thing goes wrong, like that heathen governor vetoing the bill, he bails. Has he always been this flaky?
R- You think maybe you did something to aggravate him?
T- Like what?
R- Mike Waddoups is a Mormon.
T- So?
R- And the Mormon Church frowns on pornography.
T- And?
R- Because Mike Waddoups is a Mormon, and the Mormon Church frowns on pornography, it is reasonable to say that Waddoups frowns on pornography and would therefore not appreciate someone sending it to him over and over and over.
There is a short pause, then Jack says-
T- Did you see the pornographic image, because I can send it to you.
R- No, I don't need you to send me anything.
Hunter's computer chimes.
T- You get that thing I sent ya?
Hunter goes over to his computer and opens a message.
R- Yeah, I see it.
T- Does it offend you like it offends me?
R- No, not really.
There is a short pause, then Jack says-
T- Are you sure you saw it, cause I can fax it to ya.
R- Do we even have fax machines in this office?
A machine in Hunter's office begins to hum and wirr. Hunter then hears several more machines start to turn on similarly.
T- I didn't know which fax number was yours, so I sent it to all the numbers in your office.
The machine in Hunter's office spits out a piece of paper. Hunter picks up the paper then says-
R- Oh no.
L- What the hell?
Thomas Anderson- Why am I receiving this? Who sent this through the Matrix?
Seifer Kinneas- Score! Free porn!
T- Ya get that thing I sent ya?
R- Yeah, several people in my office did.
SK- Finally, something to replace Penthouse.
T- Does it offend you like it does me?
R- No, in fact, I'm offended that you re-sent this to me.
SK- Hey Liz, you wanna try what's in this picture?
T- Are you sure you saw it, cause there's another way I can deliver it to ya.
R- How else are you going to deliver the image to me?
As Hunter finished that sentence, the window in his office broke.
R- What the hell?
Hunter gets up to look at the shattered glass and finds a rock among the glass. Hunter goes to the window and looks out to see Jack standing on top of a panel wan.
R- What the fuck are you doing?
T- Look!
Jack points down at the panel van. On the side of the panel van, in full color and detail, is the picture in question.
T- Ya get that thing I sent ya?
R- Jack, it might be illegal to send pornographic images repeatedly to a public official. It could be illegal to fax pornographic images to an entire office. However, it IS illegal to have a pornographic image plastered on the side of a panel van parked out in public view.
T- So you agree it's a pornographic image!
R- No, Jack, NO!
T- You said it, you agree with me! Hunter agrees with me, he thinks GTA should be banned.
Jack starts to parade around and repeat his last sentence as Hunter fruitlessly pleads for him to stop. This continues until, all of a sudden, a dart is shot into Jack's neck. Jack falls off the panel van and lands with a thud on the sidewalk. Hunter is puzzled by this event. Looking out the window, he leans forward and looks directly down to see Bill Allred with a dart gun in his hand.
Bill- Hey Hunter.
R- Hey Bill.
B- I was wondering if you could do something for me.
R- Sure, what?
B- Can you work in a plug for Delightful Water Universe into your blog post this week?
R- Sure, I'll try.
B- Thanks.
R- No problem.
Hunter pulls his head from his window and sits back at his desk. Hunter studies the picture Jack sent him for a moment and says-
R- Anyone who'd get their rocks off to that is one pathetic puppy.
Hunter deletes the image and gets back to work.
THE END
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