Hunter And Robin And A Beer Keg

Character Bio

Hunter Red, pictured left, is a nominally successful satirist, writer, and potential lunch winner living in Salt Lake City, Utah.  Mr. Red is a recovering alcoholic, although his recovery has been less than successful since he has stopped going to his prescribed therapy sessions, and has begun drinking again.  Hunter is has a mostly negative viewpoint of the world, is distrustful of all humans, and thoroughly enjoys cheesecake.

Robin Anderson, pictured left, is Hunter Red's most recent ex-girlfriend.  Hunter's relationship with Robin was complicated by the fact that she is not real.  Robin is a product of an alcohol fueled hallucination.  This was a hallucination that Hunter like to experience, due to Miss Anderson being the only real serious girlfriend Mr. Red has ever had.  Robin is intelligent, strong willed, and has a razor sharp wit.

Hunter Red And Robin And A Beer Keg

Hunter Red pulls up to his condo in Ruby, his big fucking SUV.  He pulls into his garage backward and quickly closes the garage door.  Out of the back of Ruby, Hunter pulls out a beer keg.  Hunter places the beer keg in an open spot on the floor of his garage, then begins to speak as if someone is listening.  No one is currently present in the garage as Hunter begins to speak.

Hunter Red-  Yes, here now, the light of the party on college campuses across the nation, your standard beer keg.  Sure, kegs are illegal here in the state of Utah, but the fuck I care.  Alcohol laws are made by old, fat, white, bigots who only want to control the population and line their pockets with gold.  Also, they are fat.

Hunter Red walks over to the toolchest he keeps in his garage, digs around for a little bit, then finds what he was looking for, the tap for a beer keg.  Hunter walks over, taps the keg, hooks up the nozzle to it, then says-

Hunter Red-  Well, let's begin.

The camera pans over to a clock on the wall of Hunter's garage.  In typical television fashion, the hands on the clock start to move quickly untill three hours and seventeen minutes have gone by.  After the timeshift, the camera pans back over to Hunter.  Mr. Red is sitting on the floor of his garage, next to the beer keg, with the nozzle in his mouth.  It is clear from the visual cues that Hunter has been spending the past three hours and seventeen minutes drinking directly from the beer keg.  Hunter removes the nozzle from his mouth and says-

Hunter Red-  Yeah!  Take that polimaticians.  I just drank beer from a beer keg that was full of beer from a beer keg because it was a keg that had beer in it because it was a beer keg.  (Loud belch)  Ha ha ha!  YEAH!!!

The camera pans away from Hunter to a door in the garage leading into the house.  The door is open and the room is brightly lit.  Through the door the sound of a pair of high heels can be heard clacking on a hard wood floor, making their way closer and closer to the door, the sound of which echoes throughout the entire house.  A figure walks into the door frame, a beautiful figure wearing high heels silhouetted by the intense light coming from the other room.  The camera follows the legs of the person, particularly the heels, clacking with every step, as the figure walks through the door frame, across the garage, over to where Hunter is sitting.  Hunter looks up at the figure, bleary-eyed and obviously drunk.

Hunter Red-  Hi.  I haven't seen you in a while.  You look voluminnomnoninous.

The camera shot changes to reveal who it is that Hunter is talking to.  The figure is Robin Anderson.  Robin looks down at Hunter with disappointment in her eyes.

Robin Anderson-  So, let me get this straight: You drove all the way up to Evanston, risked getting caught and prosecuted, just so you could get a giant container of beer.

There is an unapologetic tone to Hunter's face when he says-

Hunter Red-  Yep.

Robin Anderson-  Did you save any for me.

Hunter holds up the nozzle connected to the beer keg and presses the button on it.  A small stream of mostly beer foam trickles out of the nozzle.

Hunter Red-  Nope.

Robin maintains her disappointed look as she sit down next to Hunter on the floor of the garage.

Robin Anderson-  You don't look good.

Hunter Red-  Did I ever?

Robin Anderson-  Yes, you did.  You looked quite good when I was with you.

Hunter Red-  Not nearly as good as you look.

Robin Anderson-  Well, that goes without saying.  How have you been?

Hunter Red-  How have you been?

Robin Anderson-  Are you imitating me?

Hunter Red-  No.

Robin Anderson-  Are you sure, because you know how I've been.

Hunter Red-  No I don't.

Robin Anderson-  I'm an alcohol fueled hallucination.

Hunter Red-  That doesn't answer my question.

Robin Anderson-  I feel good, or bad.  I'm not sure.  Not being real kind of makes you question how you feel about things.

Hunter Red-  What do you mean not being real?

Hunter puts his hand on Robin's thigh.

Hunter Red-  You sure do feel real.

Robin Anderson-  Of course I feel real, this is your hallucination.

Hunter Red-  Yeah, but even when I wasn't drunk and somehow remembering hallucinating you, you felt real.

Robin Anderson-  Of course you thought my body felt real.

Hunter Red-  No, I mean the connection we had.  The way you would talk with me, laugh with me, converse with me, criticize me, all of the parts of a fully functioning relationship, it felt real.

Robin Anderson-  But it wasn't.

Hunter Red-  Yeah.

A look of incredible sadness comes over the face of Hunter.  Robin looks at Hunter and says-

Robin Anderson-  Hunter, you need to move on.

Hunter Red-  No.

Robin Anderson-  Hunter, you need to move on.

Hunter Red-  No.

Robin Anderson-  Hunter, you need to-

Hunter Red-(Angrily)  I heard you, I just don't want to.

Robin Anderson-  Why not?

Hunter tries to stand up, but fails, falling hard on the concrete floor he was just sitting on.

Robin Anderson-  I think you need help.

Hunter tries to stand up again, with the same result as he had the first time.

Robin Anderson-  I think you need help.

Hunter tries to stand up again, this time falling forward, landing hard on his shoulder and laying on his back on the cold concrete floor.  Robin stands up, looks over Hunter with a kind of caring look in her eyes.

Robin Anderson-  Hunter, you need help.  Hunter, you need to move on.  You need to clean yourself up, for real this time.  You need to do this, because you can't just spend your life obsessing over things that never were.  You need to start dealing with things that actually are.  This world is a wonderful place, and while I am not in it, many other things and people are.  Hunter.  Hunter, can you hear me?

Hunter is laying on his back on the cold concrete floor asleep.  Robin eyes are again filled with disappointment.

Robin Anderson-  (Sigh)  I hope somewhere in his deep subconscious he heard me.

Robin Anderson walks across the garage floor, back through the door frame, and closes it behind her.

END SCENE

 

In our most desperate hours, we often grasp on to one another.  For strength.  For stability.  For someone.  Someone so that in our hour of desperation we do not face that desperation alone.

Volume 11 by Hunter Red.  Serialization starting Tuesday at Redertainment.com

The Wedding Of Hunter Red And Robin Anderson

Gnasu Reception Hall- Evening

Friends, family, and random people from the internet are gathered in the main ballroom at the Gnasu Reception Hall. They have all gathered to celebrate the wedding of Hunter Red and Robin Anderson. However, the happy couple is not currently in the ballroom. Instead, Robin and Hunter are on the second floor of the reception hall on a balcony looking over the ballroom, watching the party that is being held for them.

Robin- Wow. This all looks great.
Hunter- Yeah. Last time a crowd this big gathered for me was right before I had this bucket of pig's blood dumped on me.
Robin- It's a real shame this was all a rouse to get people to care about your book.
Hunter- You know, we could get married tonight. We could drive down to Vegas, hit up some all night chapel, and spend the next day bumping married uglies.
Robin- We could. We won't but we could.

Robin and Hunter continue to look over the ballroom. They see their parents conversing and getting along. They see Liz spinning dope beats under the moniker DJ Elizabeth The Great. They even see Seifer Kinneas attempting to pick up girls that are way too young and way too sober to find him attractive.

Hunter- I guess we should go down there.
Robin- Yep, I guess we should.

Robin pats Hunter on the back, accidentally sending Hunter over the railing of the balcony, down to the floor below. Robin rushes downstairs to her lover as the crowd gathers to see if Hunter is all right. The camera sees the world as Hunter does, looking up at the white ceiling of the Gnasu Reception Hall and the florescent lights that hang therein. Robin, not wanting to injure him any further, stands over Hunter and says-

Robin- Hunter. HUNTER! Are you okay? Oh god, get some help. HUNTER!!!

As Hunter continues to look up at the ceiling of the room he's in, he blinks. When he does so, the light filling the room changes from the bright florescent lights to the dull natural light that usually fills Hunter's office at The Redertainment Corporation Of America. When Hunter blinks again, the ceiling changes from the white ceiling that is at the Gnasu Reception Hall to the red ceiling that is at Hunter's office. As Hunter continues to blink, all the people that were at the party to celebrate Hunter and Robin's wedding go away, one by one. Eventually the only person left in Hunter's field of vision is his love, Robin. Hunter, still hurt, picks himself up from what turns out to be the floor of his office.

Hunter- Ow. Fuck. What happened? My head feels like it's been hit with something.

Hunter turns around to where Robin is standing.

Hunter- Robin, what happened?
Robin- What do you think happened?
Hunter- We were pulling that fake wedding prank, as a way to get people to care about my new book, when I fell over a balcony onto a ballroom floor.
Robin- That didn't happen.
Hunter- What do you mean?

Robin starts to walk toward Hunter. She hold either side of his face and says-

Robin- How did we meet?
Hunter- What do you mean?
Robin- How did you, Hunter Red, meet me, Robin Anderson?

Hunter thinks for a second.

Hunter- I don't know. I don't know how we met.
Robin- Have we had sex?
Hunter- Yeah.
Robin- What was out first time like?
Hunter- Excuse me?
Robin- In detail, how did our first sexual experience go?

Hunter thinks for a second.

Hunter- I don't know.
Robin- Hunter, aren't those things that usually stick out in a person's mind? Aren't those the kinds of things that people remember, not just for a fleeting moment, but for a long time, even untill death?
Hunter- Unless one or both of the people are drunk when they happen.
Robin- But even then, don't they have at least a vague idea as to how it happened?
Hunter- Yeah.
Robin- Do you have a vague idea as to how it happened for us?

Hunter thinks for a second.

Hunter- No.
Robin- Hunter, I am not real. I am not a real person, I am not your real girlfriend, I am a creation of your imagination.

Hunter pulls away from Robin's grasp.

Hunter- No. No, that can't be true. You are real. You have to be. How can I be in love with someone who is not real.
Robin- You're a nerd. You've seen this kind of thing before.
Hunter- No, not in the way that nerds love Aeries, or Princess Amidala, or Scarlett Johansson. I have a deep, emotional attachment to you Robin. I love you in the purest, most romantic sense. I love you Robin.
Robin- Then kiss me.

Hunter is shocked by this request.

Hunter- Okay, I will.

Hunter walks over to where Robin is standing. He tries to place his hands on Robin face, like her hands did his, but Hunter's hands go right through Robin. Hunter attempts to touch Robin's shoulder only to have the same thing happen. Finally Hunter goes in for the kiss, but Hunter's head sails right through Robin's.

Hunter- No. No. This- this- this can't be. How- how-
Allison- Hunter.

Hunter turns to where his office door is. There he finds his mother, Allison, along with his father, Elvis, and his grandfather, Rodger.

Allison- Hunter.
Hunter- Mom. Dad. Grandpa. What are you doing here?
Allison- Liz called us. She found you lying of the floor of your office, passed out.
Hunter- But how did I get here?
Elvis- I venture this has something to do with it.

Elvis holds up an empty bottle of Grey Goose.

Hunter- Was I drunk last night?
Allison- As near as we can figure.
Rodger- In fact, as Liz has told us, you have been drunk nearly everyday at work for nearly a year now.
Hunter- Why can't I remember it?
Elvis- You were drunk. Being drunk tends to effect your memory.
Hunter- But why have I been drunk?
Elvis- Well, at about this time last year, you released The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust, and, outside of us, no one cared.
Hunter- Yeah.
Allison- Then you had that breakup with that Scarlet girl.
Hunter- Gwen?
Allison- Yeah.
Roger- Not only did Gwen cheat on you, but she lied to about it. People lying to you has always rubbed you the wrong way.
Hunter- So, all of that trauma caused a psychological break?
Elvis- No son. Instead of dealing with that trauma in a healthy and constructive manner, you drank. A lot.
Allison- I haven't seen this many empty bottles since I got really into recycling.

Hunter looks around the floor of his office and sees a great number of empty bottles of many different alcoholic brands.

Hunter- I guess I have been drinking a lot lately.
Rodger- Hunter, you need help.
Allison- First off, let's get you home. You smell like you haven't seen a shower in six months, much less taken one.

Elvis walks over to Hunter to support him as he walks.

Elvis- Come on son. I know of some people who can really help people like you.
Rodger- And don't worry about your job. You may have been drunk off your ass for a year, but you're the only productive employee we have.
Hunter- Hell, I might as well be the only employee at Redertainment.

The camera takes a view from behind Hunter's desk out the door to Hunter's office as Hunter, Elvis, Allison, and Rodger walk out of Hunter's office and out of the offices of The Redertainment Corporation Of America. Once the four principal players walk out of frame, the camera pans down to see what is on Hunter's desk. On it is a stack of stapled papers. The cover page of this stack reads "The Black Robin Christmas Carol by Hunter Red". Also on the desk is a spinning top that, although occasionally wobbling, does not fall.

END SCENE

Hell Message Aficionado

Marcus- Hell Oh Well Review

Hunter Red is sitting in his office at The Redertainment Corporation Of America. He is busily writing something at his desk, occasionally snickering as he does so. Hunter occasionally ponders as he writes, then gets back to creating and snickering. Finally, Hunter finishes what he's writing and says-

"End Scene. There it is. The most spectacular piece of satire I've ever written. It has all the perfect elements. Absurdity, fucked up shit, a Republican getting beaten like a pinata, this is it. This is as perfect as I can get."

The chime of Twitter being updated is heard coming from Hunter's computer.

"Oh look, Marcus has released a comedy CD on iTunes. I remember seeing the taping of his comedy special in May. That was a fucking awesome show. I think I'll buy his CD. I'll download it and listen to it now."

Roughly an hour and a half later, depending on internet speeds, Hunter finishes listening to Marcus' Hell Oh Well.

"Man. I feel suddenly inadequate."

Hunter then opens one of the drawers of his desk, pulls out a full bottle of vodka, puts it on his desk, and says-

"Oh vodka. It's a shame I won't be drinking you."

Hunter gets up form this desk, walks over to where his garbage can is, picks it up, walks over to the window, opens the window, and tosses the contents of his garbage can out the window. Hunter then places the garbage can in the center of his office, and grabs the vodka bottle and the satirical piece he just wrote off his desk. Hunter puts the satirical piece in the garbage can, empties the contents of the vodka bottle into the can, starts fishing around in his pockets, and produces a book of matches.

Hunter holds the matchbook aloft, marveling at the logo form the bar long since closed. Hunter goes through the process of striking a single match, sets the entire matchbook on fire, damn near burns himself, then drops the matchbook into the garbage can.

The garbage can erupts in flames. Awesome flames.

"Wow! That fire is cool. Not as cool as Marcus' CD, but still cool."

An alarm sounds and the sprinklers in Hunter's office go off, putting out the fire and soaking Hunter to the bone.

"That was not cool."


END SCENE

Marcus- Hell Oh Well: A-

Link to iTunes Page



My Mom, Porn Aficionado

Recently, driven by her appearance on ABC's Dancing With The Stars, rumors have been circulating about a sex tape starring actress Jennifer Grey. Stories about this sex tape paint it as a scandalous matter, the kind that fills every celebrity gossip rag in print today. However, I question whether or not this is a scandal. A Jennifer Grey sex tape has been in wide circulation for years. In fact, my mom owns a copy of this sex tape. It is one that she watches frequently, and is not ashamed to tell her family, friends, and random strangers, that she not only watches it, she likes it. I remember several occasions where I, as a child, was made by my mother to watch the Jennifer Grey sex tape. I did not like the Jennifer Grey sex tape then, and still don't today. My fiance has viewed the Jennifer Grey sex tape and, while she doesn't like it as much as my mother does, she does have a certain affinity for it. Maybe it's a girl thing.




Anita Apology

The following is a transcript of a telephone conversation held between the two men pictured above, PrideUtah founder Eric Ethington and LDS General Authority Boyd K. Packer. This conversation, held on Thursday October 21st, 2010, is in response to protests organized by Eric Ethington over Boyd K. Packer's controversial comments at the most recent LDS Church General Conference.

Ring Ring Ring

Eric- Hello?
Boyd- Hello, is this Eric Etherington?
Eric- Actually, it's Ethington.
Boyd- Ah, it's good to talk to you Mr. Etherington. This is Boyd Packer speaking. I'm calling you in reference to a story I read recently.
Eric- The one where I criticize you over the comments you made at General Conference?
Boyd- No, the story that broke on Wednesday involving Mrs. Thomas and Miss Hill.
Eric- The one where Virginia Thomas asked for an apology from Anita Hill for the sexual harassment allegations she levied against her husband, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.
Boyd- Exactly. Well, I'm calling you today to ask you to do something for me.
Eric- What is that?
Boyd- I would like you to apologize to me.
Eric- For what?
Boyd- For existing.

There is a short pause.

Eric- Excuse me?
Boyd- Did you not hear me clearly? I'm not quite used to these newfangled telephonic machines. Do I need to repeat myself?
Eric- No, no, I heard you, I just can't believe what I just heard.
Boyd- What do you mean?
Eric- You want me
Boyd- Yes.
Eric- Eric Ethington
Boyd- Etherington.
Eric- to apologize
Boyd- Yes.
Eric- to you
Boyd- Yes.
Eric- for existing?
Boyd- Yes.

There is a short pause.

Eric- Is this a joke?
Boyd- I don't follow.
Eric- This has got to be a joke. Not only is it absurd for you to be calling me, but it is completely absurd that you just asked me to apologize for existing.
Boyd- No, this isn't a joke. I am calling you to apologize to me for existing as a homosexual, non-faithful, liberal, with long hair.
Eric- No, this has got to be a joke.
Boyd- What makes you think this is a joke? Why would anyone pull a joke like this?
Eric- To fuck with me.

At this point the phone conversation abruptly ends.

END TRANSCRIPT



You're All Invited

Elvis and Allison Red And Denis and Marissa Anderson
are proud to announce the wedding of
Hunter Wallace Red and Robin Crystal Anderson
On November First, in the year of your Lord Two Thousand and Ten.
A private ceremony will be held with a public reception to follow at the Gnasu Reception Hall at 8583 South East Temple, Sandy, Utah at 7PM. All are invited to attend the reception and wish the happy couple a joyous and fruitful life together.
The couple is registered at The Blue Boutique.
Open Bar

Gloating: Not Funny

The Thing I Dread Most: Dinner With My Parents



Allison Red heard of a tradition held by other families that she wanted to emulate, the Sunday dinner. To that end, Allison obligated her only child, Hunter Red, to bring his fiance, Robin Anderson, to come over to the Red Family Household for dinner and conversation. Rounding out this family get-together was the patriarch of the Red family, Elvis Red. As this was a day that he did not work or did not have to drive, Elvis was drinking. The scene begins with Hunter and Robin arriving at the door with their contribution to the meal, Robin's homemade potato salad. Hunter knocks on the door and Allison answers.

Allison- Hunter! Robin!
Robin- Hello Allison.
Hunter- Hello Mother.
Allison- Hunter, how many times have I asked you not to call me Mother?
Hunter- Many times, which is why I continue to do it.
Robin- I hope it's okay that I brought potato salad.
Elvis(In the other room)- Did I hear that right?

A look of dread comes over Allison and Hunter.

Robin- What's wrong?
Elvis(In the other room)- Did I hear that someone's brought counterfeit potato salad?

Robin looks at Hunter and Allison oddly.

Robin- What does he mean?
Allison- Come on in, dinner's nearly ready.

Hunter and Robin enter the Red Family Household. Robin goes with Allison to the kitchen to put the potato salad in the fridge while Hunter goes down to the den with Elvis, who is watching TV.

Hunter- Hey dad.
Elvis- (Elvis makes a noise that sounds like a cross between a chicken clucking and a dog barking.)
Hunter- I see you're enjoying the Ironman 2.
Elvis- Yes. I know it's not in high definition Blu-ray.
Hunter- Yep.
Elvis- I just don't see the difference between this and DVD.
Hunter- Really, because I remember showing you Torchwood: Children Of Earth. That just looks-
Elvis- What's that?
Hunter- What?
Elvis- That thing you just mentioned, Torching Children?
Hunter- No, Torchwood. It's a British television series.
Elvis- Look, as far as I'm concerned, British TV starts and ends with Monty Python, and that isn't worth putting out on Blu-ray.
Hunter- So, I take it Fawlty Towers doesn't exist?
Elvis- What?
Hunter- Fawlty Towers.
Elvis- Aw, you can stop that conspiracy talk right now.
Hunter- What?
Elvis- It doesn't matter how well a tower is made, if a guy runs a plane into it, it'll collapse.
Hunter- What are you talking about?
Elvis- You and your Twin Towers planted explosion faulty tower bullshit.

Hunter sighs in exasperation.

Hunter- Fawlty Towers is a series starring John Cleese where he runs a hotel.

Elvis looks at Hunter blankly.

Elvis- Allison! You need help with dinner?
Allison(In the kitchen)- No, Robin and I have things handled.
Elvis- Hunter, go see if your mom needs help with dinner.
Allison(In the kitchen)- I don't need his help.
Elvis- Hunter, go see if your mom needs help with dinner.

Hunter leaves the den for the kitchen. In the kitchen, Allison is busy making gravy for dinner, roast with rice, salad, and potato salad, while Robin is fiddling with Allison's new laptop.

Allison- What I don't understand is why Hunter is so endeared with Firefox. It seems to be just as fast as Internet Explorer.
Robin- I think he just likes sticking it to the man.
Hunter- And the woman.
Elvis(In the den)- Allison!
Allison- Yes dear.
Elvis(In the den)- Why don't you have Huner chop up some vegetables?
Allison- We're not having vegetables with dinner. We're having roast with rice, salad, and potato salad.
Elvis(In the den)- And vegetables! Vegetables instead of counterfeit potato salad.
Robin(To Hunter)- Why is he saying my potato salad is counterfeit?
Hunter- I have no idea.
Allison- Dinner should be ready in about ten minutes. Hunter, could you start setting the table?
Hunter- Of course.

Hunter starts gathering the plates and silverware as Robin finishes up with Allison's laptop.

Robin- Well, there you are, you should be maintaining your Farmville farm at peak efficiency.
Allison- Great, maybe now I can beat Liz.
Elvis(In the den)- I don't hear veggie cutting.
Robin- How would he hear that?

Allison sticks her head in the freezer.

Allison- Oh damn, we're out of ice. Hunter, would you run down to the store and het some ice?
Hunter- Sure.

Hunter starts making his way to the door.

Robin- We need ice?
Hunter- Robin, would you like to come with me?

Robin doesn't quite know what to make of this.

Robin- Sure.

Robin gets up to leave with Hunter.

Elvis(In the den)- Ice is not veggies, you can't cut ice.

Hunter and Robin walk out the front door, closing it behind them. As they make their way out to the car, Robin says-

Robin- What your dad just said didn't make sense.
Hunter- No, it did not.
Robin- And that conversation you two had, I remember you showing him Torchwood on Blu-ray.
Hunter- He doesn't.
Robin- That seems strange.

Hunter stops and looks directly at Robin.

Hunter- Robin, if I ever get like that, I want you to shoot me.

Robin doesn't quite know what to make of this. Hesitantly, she says-

Robin- Okay. Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.
Hunter- Not if I have anything to do about it.

Hunter and Robin get in their car to go off to the store.

END SCENE



And Now Something To Gloat About

As you have been annoyingly told many times, I am getting married on November 1st. Recently, my fiance, Robin, had some glamour shots taken of her. I'd show them to you, but they are incredibly racy. Also, the photographer doesn't want me posting them on this blog. However, rest assured, if I posted them here, you would be intensly jealous. Damn.

Black Hand-Sized Plastic Cylinders

GameStop Sells Sex Toys?


Robin and Hunter are sitting in Robin's office. Robin is writing up a review of Miss March and Hunter is level grinding in Final Fantasy XIII. Robin's intern Eric rolls in on his wheelchair with several packages on his lap.

Eric- Miss Anderson, I have your mail.
Robin- Thank you Eric.
Eric- Do you have anything else for me to do?
Robin- I don't know. Hunter, what did you do with your intern?
Hunter- Spencer? I abused that little shit.
Robin- Yeah, but I can't abuse a guy in a wheelchair.
Eric- Why not? My girlfriend does it all the time.

There is a short pause.

Robin- Eric, go ask Liz how her kids are.
Hunter- Honey, there's a difference between abuse and torture.

Eric puts Robin's mail on her desk and rolls out of Robin's office. Robin looks over her mail and sees a cardboard box amongst her haul. Robin opens her package and pulls out the contents, two black plastic objects slightly longer than her hands.

Hunter- What is that?
Robin- I don't know.
Hunter- You know what that looks like?
Robin- A dilldo, but why would anyone send me a dilldo at work?
Hunter- Perhaps it's an early wedding present. We are registered at The Blue Boutique.
Robin- True.
Hunter- Why are we registered at an adult novelty boutique anyway?
Robin- I wanted to torture your more religious relatives by making them go into a sex shop.

The two laugh. Robin looks deeper into her package and finds some pieces of paper.

Robin- Oh, wait, this isn't a dilldo.
Hunter- What is it?
Robin- It's the PS3 Move. Someone sent me the PS3 Move to review.
Hunter- Okay. Did they send you a game?

Robin looks at her package again, picks it up, dumps it out, and says-

Robin- No.
Hunter- So how are you supposed to review a controller without games that require the controller to play?

Robin looks at Hunter amorously.

Robin- Is there a way to activate the Move's rumble feature outside of gameplay?

END SCENE



This Is A Real Thing





Hunter Red For Peter Corroon For Governor Of Utah





I Openly Insult States I've Never Been In

This week nine states came out on the side of the video game industry in the upcoming appeal of California's video game legislation, Assembly Bills 1792 & 1793. These states include Boringland, Ultraboringland, Irrelevant Country, Raingrunge, The Political Sex Capital of North America, and Mormonville.



?



I don't know how to react to this clip, other than to say John Hamm is the sexiest man alive.

Hurray For Optimism

Improved Versions

After I finished The Black Robin Christmas Carol, I set about putting my other two books in a state I felt comfortable with putting into the market. The first one I worked on was The Hawk. I found an embarrassing amount of problems with it. Seriously, to the few of you that did read The Hawk, I sincerely apologize. After adding about three thousand words and thoroughly beating myself up about it, The Hawk is now in a state that I feel comfortable trying to see if I can sell it.

As far as The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust, I'm done. I think there might be some problems with it, but I'm done proofreading for a while. Now I have three books for people to ignore. Hurray for optimism. :)

The Hawk: Word Version PDF Version
The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust: Word Version PDF Version
The Black Robin Christmas Carol: Coming November 1st.



The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Review

I have been assigned to write a review for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. However, as I have a thing for goth chicks, I feel I can not objectively review this movie. Therefore, I have passed off this responsibility to my fiance, Robin Anderson. I just hope she doesn't read the part about me having a thing for goth chicks, because she objects to the use of the word "chick".

I just read the opening bit of this piece. Chick. Really? You're using that word? You know much I object to women being objectified like that! Yet you do so anyway. Sometimes, I just don't believe you.

Look, I'm sorry. It's just, that's the first impression I got from the central character of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Lisbeth Salamander looks like the prototypical goth chick that is seen in many shallow teen dramas nowadays. The black hair over the face, the multiple piercing in the ears, the dog collar, these are the kind of things I see walking out of Hot Topic everyday.

What are you doing hanging out in front of the Hot Topic? What, am I not good enough for you?

No, you are plenty for me. I don't even know where that comment came from. I was just milling about in front of the Hot Topic so that I wouldn't be milling about in front of the Victoria's Secret, waiting for you to come out with one of those free panties you can get if you get on Victoria's Secret's mailing list. And I can't be seen milling about in front of the Victoria's Secret or people will think I'm some sort of pervert.

You got a point there. Okay then, I'll do the review for you.

I love IKEA. I love just taking the long drive necessary to get out to that glorious blue box, going inside, and walking around in the prefabricated awesomeness for hours and hours and hours. Sure I can't pronounce any of the things that are in IKEA, but that is so overrated. Plus, I can easily assemble anything I buy. I just ask Hunter to do it.

Wait a minute, you object to me using the term "chick", but are okay with perpetuating the stereotype that women need men to construct things?

It's a joke. You tell off colour jokes all the time.

Yeah, but I generally put such jokes in an absurd or satirical context. What is the context of that comment?

Hmmmm. You got a point there. Okay, we should probably wrap this thing up, it's getting rather long.

Yeah, and with the pictures, this thing should easily meet Seifer's requirement for length.

I bet Robin doesn't have a requirement for length.

Do I have to hit you with a croquet mallet, again?

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: B-



Billy Mitchell: Lion Tamer

On August 9, 2010, reports surfaced that Billy Mitchell, pictured above, had retaken the world record for Donkey Kong. Billy's referee verified score of 1,062,800 bests Hank Chien's previous record of 1,061,700. Upon achieving this feat, Mr. Mitchell was quoted as saying, "Some say I'm being cocky. Some say I'm being lazy. I say, I'm being Billy Mitchell." This was not Mr. Mitchell's complete statement. The following is the complete transcript of what Billy Mitchell said after retaking the Donkey Kong world record.

Why do I insist on retaking the Donkey Kong world record from people such as Steve Wiebe and Hank Chien. Well they have boring personalities for one. You want me to continue? How about saving us from that face that looks like you got flattened by a frying pan. Or your monotonous, robotic, Mr. Awesome voice. Or how 'bout I save us from your child-bearing hips, your super cuts hairstyle, your subscription to Blue Ball magazine? But most importantly, Hank Chien, I'm here to save us, from you. Because the first chance I get I'm gonna take that Donkey Kong world record from you, and I'm gonna put it 'round this gorgeous waist, and when I do, Donkey Kong, Twin Galaxies, video gaming entertainment, entertainment entertainment, the state of Florida, the country of the United States, the Western Hemisphere, the planet Earth, the heavens above, the galaxies, the crab nebula, the Universe its self... will never, never, never, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever, be the same, again! I called Steve Wiebe and said to him, "Some say I'm being cocky. Some say I'm being lazy. I say, I'm being Billy Mitchell." A week later he hand't returned my call, and at first I thought 'I haven't heard from this man all week. At first I thought it was because it was a spineless, cowardly, jellyfish, but then I realized that he's just... too stupid to understand the concept of records. He has the IQ of a kumquat, and I think I used too big words, I spoke too quickly, Steve got lost in the shuffle! So I'm going to say this very slowly. Some say I'm being cocky. Some say I'm being cocky. Some say I'm being lazy. I say, I'm being Billy Mitchell. I am the best in the world at what I do.

When reached for comment on this story, Hank Chien congratulated Billy Mitchell on attaining the Donkey Kong world record, while Steve Wiebe said, "WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP CALLING MY DAMN HOUSE!!!"



Observations On A Morning In Pocatello

There are time I like to look out at what's around.
The gentle swaying of the trees,
The cars zipping by,
The birds drifting from rooftop to rooftop.
Then I see a dog and my cynophobia kicks in so I do inside.

Why I Went To Portland Last Week

Last week I went to Portland, Oregon. Why? The following scene may explain.

The In-Laws Find Out


Robin Anderson is sitting in her office, typing up her latest article about the Utah pornography scene, when Liz calls to her from the general office area.

Liz- Robin, your father is on line one.
Robin- Okay, thank you.

Robin picks up the phone. Robin's father, Denis, come into the camera shot in a split screen.

Robin- Hello daddy.
Denis- Robin, did something big happen to you recently?
Robin- I don't think so, why?
Denis- Something big, that will alter your whole life, that will inextricably bond you to someone else, something like that?
Robin- I don't think so.
Denis- Robin, I read your boyfriend's blog post.

Robin gets a weird look on her face.

Robin- Might I ask why?
Denis- I wanted to get to know this boy that you're dating.
Robin- I don't believe you, but okay.
Denis- I turned on my computer last Monday and see that your boyfriend has posted a new blog post.
Robin- He usually does that.
Denis- And I read a blog post called "TOTALLY SUBTLE WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT CONTAINED HERE!!!"
Robin- Yeah, I read that as well.
Denis- Is there a reason that you haven't told me you're getting married?

Robin gets this stunned look on her face.

Robin- I didn't tell you that?
Denis- Nope. Also, I haven't met this guy that you are marrying yet.
Robin- Oh. (To Hunter in his office) Hunter, could you pick up Line 1?

Hunter picks up the phone and comes into the camera shot, making it a three way split with Denis in the center.

Hunter- Hello.
Robin- Hunter, this is my dad. Dad, this is Hunter.

Hunter begins waving at Denis.

Hunter- Hello future-daddy. I'm waving at you right now but you can't see it.

Denis facepalms.

Denis- This is the guy you're marrying.
Robin- Yes, isn't he cute?
Hunter- Yes I am.

Hunter stops waving and Denis stops facepalming.

Denis- Robin, I want to actually meet this guy.
Hunter- Okay, how's this weekend?
Robin- Don't you have plans this weekend?
Hunter- Not really, unless you count playing Battlefield Bad Company 2 as a plan. Besides, I have that big fucking SUV that I've never gone on a long trip with.
Denis- You have a big fucking SUV?
Hunter- Yes.
Denis- I think I like this guy.

The three on the phone call begin to smile.

Denis- Okay, I'm going to go now, talk to you later dear.
Hunter and Robin- Okay, I love you daddy.

The three in the phone call hang up but the three way camera shot split remains.

Robin- (To Hunter in his office) I think my dad likes you.
Hunter- (To Robin in her office) I think we need an intercom system.
Denis- (Looking directly down) Okay Marissa, you can stop doing that now, I don't think anything's going to come from it.

Hunter and Robin look toward Denis in the three way camera shot.

Hunter and Robin- WHAT?

END SCENE



The Red Interview- The American Minors Association


Hunter Red is sitting on a raised platform with two chairs on it.

Good evening, and welcome to The Red Interview. I am Hunter Red. Recently, California appealed the ruling handed down striking down it's controversial law, Assembly Bill 1179, which would have made the sale of violent video games to children illegal. Many various groups have come made statements about this bill, but we have yet to hear from the one group this law most directly impacts, children. So, we searched online for a group of people who represent the interest of children. After wading through the mountain of child pornography groups out there, we came upon one group fit the mold. The American Minors Association is the first national union for minors in the United States. AMA President Thomas Lloyd is here tonight to talk with us. Ladies and gentlemen, Thomas Lloyd.

Thomas LLoyd comes out to the stage and sits in the chair next to Hunter.

Hunter- Mr. Lloyd, thank you for coming here today.
Thomas- I'm grateful to be here, however I think you are confused.
Hunter- What, am I mispronouncing your name.
Thomas- No, I represent the American Miners Association.
Hunter- Exactly, the American Minors Association.
Thomas- No, Miners, as in the people who mine for coal.
Hunter- They still have kids digging for coal!
Thomas- No! I do not represent kids. I represent miners.
Hunter- What's the difference?
Thomas- Miners are adults.
Hunter- No, minors are kids, hence the reason I can treat kids like second class citizens.
Thomas- No, you can't treat kids, or anyone for that matter, like second class citizens.
Hunter- Why not? Why can't minors in our society have the same rights and abilities as women and gay people?
Thomas- Those people have equal rights as well.
Hunter- Sure, that's what we tell them.
Thomas- All people should be treated equally under the law, whether they be gay, straight, black, white, male, female, minors, or miners, or whatever they are.
Hunter- Exactly, although I do wonder why you said minors twice.
Thomas- I was referring to two difference groups of people.
Hunter- No, you referred to seven different groups of people, you just accidentally said one of them twice.

Thomas gets up out of his chair, grabs Hunter by his collar and says-

Thomas- Look you ginger asshole, get this through your thick scull. I represent miners.
Hunter- Yes, which is why we wanted you on the show, to talk about the California law that affects the rights of minors.
Thomas- NO! You want to talk about minors! I want to talk about miners!
Hunter- Are you saying worlds multiple times to make you sound insane, because if you are, that is a very believable tactic.
Thomas- Fuck this.

Thomas Lloyd walks off the stage. Hunter turns to the camera and says-

Well, that's all the time we have for The Red Interview. I'd like to thank my guest Thomas Lloyd, and invite him to come back on the show once he is properly medicated. I am Hunter Red, reminding you that if a kid asks you to buy a video game for him, tell him no and point him to the guy who buys beer for kids. Thanks for watching.



(Insert Sexual Pun Here)



Hotel Room-Portland, Oregon-Morning

Robin Anderson wakes up, probably woken up by Hunter Red watching Archer on Netflix on his laptop. Robin stretches for a bit and says-

Robin- How long have you been up?
Hunter- Technically I never went to sleep.
Robin- Oh. Did my fantastic sexual prowess keep you up all night long?
Hunter- I'm the one that's supposed to say that. My sexual prowess is supposed to keep you up all night. Or asleep shortly thereafter. I don't know, I'm not up to date on my male sexual norms.

Robin starts to get up from bed and asks-

Robin- Did you already take a shower?
Hunter- Showered, breakfast, and an additional third thing.
Robin- Did you use the shampoo?
Hunter- Yeah. There was a remarkably large amount of it in that small container. The conditioner, not so much, but the shampoo most definitely.
Robin- Damn. How am I supposed to wash my hair now? My hair is going to look thrashed all day.

Hunter reaches under the desk where his laptop is resting and pulls out a bag with two large bottles of shampoo and conditioner in it.

Robin- Where did you find the time to buy that?
Hunter- I was up all night. After I watched The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo I ran down to Walgreen's and got you these things.

Robin walks over to Hunter, naked, kisses him, and takes the bag from him.

Robin- You always know what I want.
Hunter- That's what you said as you were drifting off to sleep last night.

Robin walks into the bathroom to take a shower.

Robin- By the way, would you find my black lacy thong for me?
Hunter- You always know what I want.

END SCENE



Hunter, Robin, Hunter, and Hunter

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