Making The Handicapped Feel Bad While Stealthly Swearing

The Red Interview- Tony Hayward

Hunter Red and Tony Hayward are sitting in chairs on a stage in front of a live audience.

Good evening and welcome to The Red Interview. I am your host Hunter Red. With me tonight is Tony Hayward. Mr. Hayward is the current CEO of BP and was the public face of his company immediately after Deep Water Horizon explosion and the subsequent oil disaster. Mr Hayward-

The audience immediately erupts in loud boos. Hunter tries to speak over the audience.

Mister Hayward, it is very nice to-

The boos from the audience gets louder. The audience even starts to throw small trash and coins onto the stage. Hunter, again, tries to speak over the audience.

Mister Hayward-

The boos get even louder. Tony Hayward gets up out of his chair, looks at the audience, and says-

Will you gutter swine shut the fuck up!

The audience is shocked into silence. For a moment. When the audience begins to boo again, the begin to throw larger pieces of trash and even more coins, nailing Mr. Hayward squarely in the head. Over the din of the audience, Hunter tries to finish the show.

Well, that's all for The Red Interview tonight. I'm getting the fuck out of here.



Splinter Cell: Conviction Review

Among the games that I have played in the current generation of video games,two of favorites are Metal Gear Solid 4 and Assassin's Creed 2. These are two games that can be categorized as among the elites in the stealth action genre.

Among my favorite things about Metal Gear Solid 4 is the fact that you really don't have to kill anyone. You can spend the entire game crawling along, slowly and methodically tackling every level, boss, and enemy without killing a single person. It's very hard to do so, but accomplishing this is a true testament of your skill.

My favorite part of Assassin's Creed 2 is the free running elements. You can climb, swing, run, stalk, jump, and perch on nearly every part of every building in that game. I found it truly liberating to be able to put Enzio on nearly part of a game level if I just put the effort into it.

The ability to not kill anyone and the ability to go anywhere is something I hoped would be recreated in Splinter Cell: Conviction. It wasn't. Not at all. Throughout most of Splinter Cell: Conviction I had to kill at least one person to progress in a level, and in some cases I had to kill everyone. It's not that I hate violence, I hate unnecessary violence. The level design was even more disappointing. Being able to take cover is nice, if only I could take cover on top of a building. Being able to see all my enemies with sonar is nice, being able to see them all with my naked eye is better.

Splinter Cell: Conviction is a good enough game, the best that I've played of the series, but I was expecting something more. I wanted a stealth game with action undertones. What I got was an action game with stealth undertones.

Splinter Cell: Conviction: C+



Dance Masters First Impressions

Robin Anderson is sitting at Hunter Red's desk in his office watching Hunter play a new video game. It's Dance Masters, a game utilizing Microsoft's Kinect that forces gamers to get up off the couch and perform dance moves to advance in the game. Hunter is playing the game, performing the prerequisite dance moves, when the level he's playing ends and he takes a rest. Robin starts applauding and says-

Robin- Very nice my good man.
Hunter- (Nearly out of breath) You think so?
Robin- Absolutely. What woman doesn't like to see her man bust a move on a totally not real dance floor?
Hunter- (Slightly less out of breath) Well, it's good to know I impress you. Plus, I've lost like thirty pounds playing this game, so there's a double benefit.
Robin- You know who'd probably like this game? My intern Eric. (Out to the general office area) Eric! Come in here and play this game with us.
After a while Eric enters Hunter's office. Eric is in a wheelchair.
Eric- What game is it?
Robin- It's Dance Masters, an upcoming dance game by Konami.
Eric- A dance game?
Robin- Yep.
Eric- Will I have to move my legs to play this game?
Robin- Probably.
Hunter- Robin, Eric is in a wheelchair.
Robin- I know that.
Hunter- How is Eric going to play a game that requires him to move his legs when he can't move his legs?
Robin is puzzled by this question, as is Hunter and Eric. The three go into a state of contemplation, trying to come up with an answer to that question.



MC Lars- Twenty-Three




The Black Robin Christmas Carol

The Black Robin Christmas Carol is coming November 1st. Did you know cigarette lighters were invented before matches?

The Official Redertainment Corporation Of America E3 2010 Recap Blog Post!!!

The Official Redertainment Corporation Of America E3 2010 Recap Blog Post!!!

So I spent the last week being tried/sick/depressed. Because of this, I wrote only one thing that was good, but that thing was based on a joke that everyone made immediately after it happened. So I decided to recap all the major press conferences that occurred at this year's Electronic Entertainment Expo. Enjoy!

On Sunday, Microsoft held an event to celebrate Kinetic, the new motion control device for the Xbox 360 that was named by choosing random letters out of a bag. This celebration included a performance from Circ de Soile. As this was the regular Circ de Soile show and not Zumanity, I knew that no epic pole dancing would be involved, so I was not motivated to care. Then I found out about the spaceponchos. That's right, spaceponchos. I think I've found my Halloween costume for this year.

On Monday, Microsoft held their formal E3 Press Conference. At the end of this particularly overblown stage production, Don Mattrick unveiled the slightly smaller, slightly blacker, and slightly better ventilated Xbox 360 Slim. After it's unveiling, Mattrick announced that everyone in the audience at the Microsoft E3 Press Conference would be receiving an Xbox 360 Slim for free. This caused the internet to be flooded with comparisons to Oprah, and me to throw away the piece I had been working on. So, thanks jerkass!

The next fucking event that happened was the fucking Electronic Arts fucking E3 2010 fucking Press Conference. During this fucking show, Epic fucking Games upcoming first person fucking shooter Bulletstorm was fucking presented. In this fucking presentation, several fucking swear words were fucking used, something that is fucking unusual for an Efucking3 presentation. Also, the trailer for the console release of The Sims 3 was unveiled. Included in this trailer was a montage of sims engaging in various activities, including two sims making whoopie.

Joel McHale is a comedian who utilizes a ironic/sarcastic style in his act. When paired with a situation or a reality show clip that is in any way absurd, this comedic style can create pure gold. However, when this comedic style is paired with crap, it only serves to point out exactly what the material is. Crap. One of the games that was shown was Your Shape: Fitness Evolved, a game that received a better exhibition during Microsoft's E3 Press Conference earlier that day. Another game that was presented was Battle Tag. This is a game that is promised to bring an experience to home consoles that has never been had before The ability to simulate shooting your friends without harming your friends. That is something that has truly never been done before. Really. (Halo, Call of Duty, Battlefield: Bad Company, Team Fortress, Unreal Tournament, Counter-Strike, and so on, and so on, and so on...)



Where is the Vitality Sensor that I was so looking forward to sticking my penis into?

Robin is very much looking forward to Playstation Move. She won't tell me why.

Finally, the Redertainment Corporation Of America held a press conference on Wednesday. There is was announced that The Black Robin Christmas Carol, the next book by Hunter Red, would be made available for free at Redertainment.com on Monday, November 1st. As is typical with the work of Hunter Red, no one cared. Tear.

Epiphany Derived During Apple Lol Cat Experiments

Lol Cat Bible

There is a Lol Cat Bible. Not kidding.


Amazon Listing

How is Happy Cat Formed?

18 Now, teh burth of teh Nointed Cat was liek dis: After Maerdi and Jozif waz all "We get maerdied, kthnx", but befor dey haz hankiez pankiez Maerdy was a mudder cat thx 2 HovrCat.

19 Joseph was liek "I haz virjn - NOOOO dey be stealin my virjn! Must hied hur".

20 But when he was tihnkin, zomg, a BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat was liek, "Oh hai! Iz in ur dreemz, givin u messij. Don be scairdy cat. Taek Maerdy as ur wife - is virjn. But teh Forse is strong in tihs wun, lol! HovrCat is on hur, givn hur kitlin, srsly." So Jozif was liek " Oh yey. Iz gonna luv him and squeez him and call him George."

21 But BirdCat was liek "No, you gonna call him Happy Cat. cuz he save kittehs frum bein bad kittehs. Kthxbai."

22 So all dis was all did cuz Ceiling Cat had sed it wud be. Him proffit was all liek:

23 "Hay guise, luk! teh virjn is all preggers, and dey gonna call him A-manual", dat be joospeek for "Ceiling Cat wiv us"

24 Then Jozif walked up, dun wat teh BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat tolded him too, and was all liek "U wit me now lol" at Maerdy.

25 And dey didnt has Hankiez Pankiez affer dey gets a son and call him Happy Cat. Kthnx.



The Nikki Haley Controversy Continues

Larry Marchant is the former lobbyist who said that he had a intimate physical encounter with South Carolina gubernatorial candidate Nikky Haley. Mr. Marchant claimed in an interview on MSNBC that he and Mrs. Haley went drinking in multiple bars in downtown Salt Lake City.

It's not that there aren't multiple bars in downtown Salt Lake, I've been to many of them. The problem is that most people don't make a habit of barhopping in downtown Salt Lake City. I dare say the last case of barhopping that occurred was the last time there was an earthquake. Also, untill last year, anyone trying to go to a bar in Salt Lake would have had to pay a private membership fee. This was one of the many fucked up alcohol laws that was put in place to prevent people from A: Drinking, and B: Drinking in multiple establishments.

This further shows that the accusations against Nikki Haley are fabrications, lies, fiction, and other synonyms for bullshit. So why is this baseless story getting national media attention? The only reason I can think of is that the twenty-four hour news networks need a story to run and Britney Spears has been relatively well behaved recently.




NO FUCKING SHIT

Two high school students, Zach and Todd, are in the chemistry lab. They are performing the usual experiments done by students in a basic chemistry lab. The two students are combining two solutions together when the expected reaction goes horribly awry. The chemistry lab starts to fill with a noxious green cloud that forces the entire school to evacuate. While all the students are outside, Zach and Todd start to talk.

Zach- Man, that went badly.
Todd- Yeah, I don't know where we went wrong. We followed the instructions exactly.
Zach- Did the instructions call for us to throw a corndog into the mix?

Todd facepalms.

Todd- Okay, so we did do something wrong. Can things go any worse for an experiment?
Zach- I don't know. I did hear somewhere that the PSP Go was an experiment.
Todd- Yeah, and man did that blow up in their faces. The PSP Go is way worse than a noxious green cloud that enveloped the entire school and ruins all the corndogs therein.
Zach- Yeah. Wanna go break plate glass windows with a chair?
Todd- YEAH!

END SCENE



Apple Epiphany

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

During the recent Apple World Wide Developers Conference an event happened that set the news world on it's ear. During his presentation, Apple CEO Steve Jobs had a problem with the WiFi set up for his presentation and had to ask those in the audience to turn off their devices so he could continue. Ever since that happened, people have wondered why this was allowed to happen. Couldn't Apple have restricted WiFi access, or set up a separate network for Steve Jobs to use, or prepared in advance for a large mass of people using it's network? On Friday, an idea came to me as to why this took place.

Steve Jobs was on the stage giving his presentation and on the right hand side of the stage was a video that was showing what Steve was doing on his new iPhone. In the middle of the presentation, the presentation stalled as well as the video. Have you heard anyone speculate as to the legitimacy of this video? Has anyone said the video was pre-recorded, was staged, was canned, or was anything other than legitimate? No, and why not? Because of the hiccup. The video on the right hand side of the stage showed the hiccup as it was happening. The fact that the presentation on the video screen stalled at the same time Steve Jobs was asking people to turn off their devices put the thought out of people's minds that the video was not legit.

KoRn-fed Satirical Tennis Interview

KORN!!!

So I went to a concert on Saturday. Guess who I saw?




That's right! I'm saw Barry Manilo!


(Sarcasm emoticon)



Roger Federer: Ladies Man

On Tuesday, tennis superstar and twelve inch python owner Roger Federer lost in the quarterfinals of the French Open, which is a tennis tournament held in French Lick, Indiana. When asked what lead to his loss, Mr. Federer said,

"My loss was due, in large part, to me failing to convert on several match points, as well as my numerous foot faults, which prevented me from gaining much of an advantage when I was serving. Also, I nailed three broads last night and am only conscious now because of a can of Red Bull the size of a Buick."

A similar excuse was attempted by Will Forte when explaining why his movie, MacGruber, tanked at the box office. When he was told that the film was in fact on film and not being broadcasted live from the videocameras the NSA imbeds in the walls of all American domiciles, Mr. Forte said, "DAMN IT!"




Red Interviewed

About a month ago I did an interview for a 1UP user named soulsaver(link to his profile page), a journalism student out of Illinois. The article he was working on is an interesting one and deals with a topic that is debated a lot inside and outside of gaming circles. Check it out.




Hunter Red- Ladie Politician Magnet

In recent weeks a blogger and a lobbyist have claimed to have had an intimate physical affair with South Carolina candidate for Governor Nikki Haley. Neither the blogger or the lobbyist have presented any hard proof that this affair took place, but this story had received national attention nonetheless. This story, as well as my conscious and my faith, has driven me to confess to something I vowed I would never confess to.

This is Enid Greene. Miss Greene is a politician from the state of Utah who served one term in the United States House of Representatives. During the 2004 session of the Utah State Legislature, I ran into Miss Greene at the Salt Lake Hilton located at 300 West and East Temple in downtown Salt Lake City, Utah. She complimented me on my hair and I complimented her on her Hillary-esque business suit. We continued our conversation at the hotel bar as we consumed alcohol, finger sandwiches, and alcohol. The location of our conversation soon changed to a hotel room at the Salt Lake Hilton and our food of choice soon changed to pan fried pancetta.

Eventually our conversation turned more intimate, conversation turned to action, and our actions started going down the same normal road. For the sake of decency I'm not going to go into much detail, but I, Hunter Wallace Red, will say that I had an intimate physical encounter with Enid Green. Twice. Okay, three times.

What evidence do I have that this encounter actually took place? None. I, at this time, am unable to produce any photographs, videos, letters, or sworn testimony that an intimate physical encounter took place between myself and Miss Greene. Will Miss Greene admit to this encounter when asked? No, but what politician would? So, you have to ask yourself: Is what I am claiming to be believed? Is this unproven, unsubstantiated, and unsolicited claim made by an anonymous blogger true?



2Cents "Get The Door"