The following is a series of messages between Hunter Red and Jonathan Raft occurring on Tuesday, March 1st.
Jonathan Raft- Dear Hunter,
I've been a fan of yours for a while now. I really like how you can write something romantic despite being a complete loser. In fact, that is why I'm writing you today. There's a girl who I'm really interested in dating, but I don't know how to approach her. I want her to think I'm a cool, suave person without looking like an asshole. Can you help me out here? Can you give me something to say to this girl so that she'll want to go out with me?
Thank You For Your Time
Jonathan
Hunter Red- Dear Jonathan,
First of all, it's great to hear from a fan of mine, but not good to hear you think I'm a loser. If I'm such a loser, why are you asking me for advice?
Second, here is a letter that you can give to this girl in order to convey your feeling about her. Feel free to change things in order to fit your situation.
Stay Care
Hunter
Dear Lady —
There is something not quite definable in your face — something lovely, not pretty in a conventionally thought of way. You have something graceful and tender and feminine. You seem to be a woman who has been loved in her childhood, or else, somehow by the mystery of genetic phenomena you have been visited by the gifts of refinement, dignity and poise. Perhaps you cannot be accredited with all that.
Irrespective of your gothic aspects, you have passed something on in terms of your expression, mien and general comportment that is unusual and rewarding.
It's been a pleasant if brief encounter and I wish you well and I hope we shall have occasion to cross eyes again sometime.
Best wishes
Jonathan
Savoy
Jonathan Raft- Hunter,
I just took a look at your letter. Wow. You are one creepy motherfucker.
Jonathan
Hunter Red- That letter was written by Marlon Brando.
Jonathan Raft- You mean that fat fuck from Apocalypse Now?
Hunter Red- He wrote that letter before he got ginormous, back when he was considered a sex symbol.
Jonathan Raft- How can he be considered a sex symbol when one of his most famous lines is "Bring me the butter"?
Hunter Red- If only you knew what he was talking about when he said that.
END CORRESPONDENCE
@Satire
Coke Fueled Trainwreck may or may not be "winning," in life, but he has won a rare honor: the "Fastest Time to Reach 1 Million Followers" Guinness World Record.
Guinness community manager Dan Barrett says the agency "just researched and approved" the record this morning. According to Barrett, Trainwreck reached that milestone in 25 hours and 17 minutes.
As of this writing, Trainwreck's Twitter account, @CokeFueledTrainwreck, has more than 1.3 million followers.
Guinness did not have a previous record for that category, Barrett says. Trainwreck also set a Guinness record for "Highest Paid TV Actor Per Episode -- Current" at $1.25 million.
Trainwreck joined Twitter March 1. In a matter of minutes, Trainwreck acquired more than 60,000 followers and a Klout score of 57 -- without even tweeting. According to a report in Advertising Age, Trainwreck was able to get his account verified so quickly because Internet startup Ad.ly brokered his account with Twitter.
Trainwreck, of course, has been all over the news since he publicly disparaged Chuck Lorre, producer of Trainwreck's successful sitcom "Two and a Half Men and a Trainwreck" in a bizarre interview with Alex Jones of InfoWars last month.
Since then, Trainwreck has been interviewed by various other high-profile outlets making equally odd statements. The public meltdown has made Trainwreck a continual trending topic on Twitter and the subject of several YouTube parodies.
For Guinness, this is the second high-profile application of the brand's records system to social media. Last month, the Nabisco cookie brand Oreo and rapper Lil Wayne squared off for the record for the most Facebook likes. Lil Wayne won that contest handily.
Red Review: Dead Space 2: Severed
Dude, have you ever thought about playing a game backward? I mean, like, like, playing a game from the last level first and working your way, like, backward. Dude, that would be so totally cool! I mean, if you've played that game before, you would, like, know the layout of the levels better because, like, you've like totally been there before. Also, you'd, like, know where to get powerups and ammo, dude. Dude, playing a game backwards would be, like, so totally bitchin'!
Oh, my head. Ow. Damn. What did I do last night. God, I hope I didn't drink. That would totally kill my recovery. Shit. (Picks up an empty plastic bag.) Wasn't this full last night? Yeah, I remember going over to David's and getting, like, a hundred bucks of weed. I didn't smoke the entire bag last night, did I? Fuck, I did.
Hey, it looks like I wrote something last night. (Looks at the first paragraph of this review.) Man, I say like a lot when I'm high. People say that you can have some pretty good ideas when you're high. I guess my good ideas involve saying dude and like a lot. Although, what I wrote does pretty accurately describe Dead Space 2: Severed. Let's see if I can salvage this mess into a coherent review.
Dead Space 2: Severed: B+
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