Red Interview- Deron Williams
On a raised platform with two chairs on it, two people sit. Julia Diana Bobbi and Deron Williams, both pictured above, are set for the show.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Good evening, and welcome to Red Interview. I am Julia Diana Bobbi. With me today is Deron Williams. Deron is a two-time All-Star and a gold medal winner at the 2008 Summer Olympics. Mr. Williams, welcome to the show.
Deron Williams- Thanks for having me.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Mr. Williams, recently reports have it that you are very dissatisfied here in Utah. Rumors are that you forced out long time Utah Jazz coach, Jerry Sloan, and that you have said that, upon reaching free agency, that it is your intent to sign with the New York Knicks. Deron, I'd like to first ask you, are you dissatisfied with the Utah Jazz organization?
Deron Williams- No. The Jazz is one of the best run teams in the league. I am amazed at the way that they identify young and unknown talent, develop that talent, and continue to put on the court a consistently competitive team.
Julia Diana Bobbi- If you aren't dissatisfied with the organization, why are these rumors circulating, Deron?
Deron Williams- My dissatisfaction isn't with the Utah Jazz organization, it's with the state of Utah.
Julia Diana Bobbi- How do you mean?
Deron Williams- Look, most of the year, I love living and working in Utah. The people here are warm and inviting, some of the most generous people I've even come across. Most of the year, I feel absolutely welcome here. But, my feelings about the people of Utah change when the legislature is in session.
Julia Diana Bobbi- You mean the Utah State Legislature?
Deron Williams- That is correct. The kinds of things that I hear come out of the mouths of the politicians here is almost the exact opposite of that I hear from normal everyday people. The kind of venomous hatred is something I would think that people of Utah would abhor, but they don't. Not only does the public at large not call out these politicians for what they say, they continue to vote them into office. The people of Utah seem to be affirming, year after year, the unvarnished hatred that seems to spew out of these politicians mouths.
Julia Diana Bobbi- I hear what you are saying, but I cannot help but disagree. There are plenty of fine people working up at Utah's Capital Hill, and they do exceptional work for the people of Utah.
Deron Williams- Like what?
Julia Diana Bobbi- What do you mean?
Deron Williams- Like what? You said that these politicians do exceptional work. What are they doing, and who is doing this fine work?
Julia Diana Bobbi is flustered for a moment.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, nothing comes to mind instantly, but I'm sure that I can find something.
Deron Williams- I doubt it.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, that's all the time we have for the Red Interview. I'm Julia Diana Bobbi, reminding you not to eat gum that you find in a parking lot. Wait. Who wrote that? Hunter!
Julia Diana Bobbi storms off the stage as the scene ends.
END SCENE
Modern Day Profiteering
The recent turmoil in the Middle East has caused some people to ask how this will affect things at home in America. These people are selfish. However, some effects from the Middle East are starting to be felt. In the past week, gas prices have gone up twenty-five cents a gallon over the past month, and over the past year up forty-three cents a gallon. This increase in fuel prices is expected to have a ripple effect across the consumer economy, with prices in food, clothing, and toiletries expected to go up as the price of shipping these goods goes up. However, there is one consumer product who's price increase is truly unexpected in this economy. Video games. Specifically, video games put out by The Great Empire Of Activision.
In a statement released on Monday, The Great Empire Of Activision announced a twenty percent increase in the cost of all of it's products. This includes video games, video game accessories, merchandise, Tony Hawk branded cologne, and subscriptions to World Of Warcraft. The Great Empire Of Activison attributes this cost increase to the increased cost of developing games, manufacturing games, shipping games, and maintaining the servers necessary to play the any games it provides online services for. All of those increases, The Great Empire Of Activision says, can be attributed to the increased price in fuel.
When asked if this move was wise in this current economic climate, and with video games being seen by some as a luxury, President of The Great Empire Of Activision, Bobby Kotick, said:
"How dare you! You dare to question the decisions made by The Great Empire Of Activision? You cur! Do you not realize just who you are questioning? We are The Great Empire Of Activision, damn it, and we deserve your infinite respect and honor. So we are making a fuckton of money, and this move will result in us making a slightly larger fuckton of money, we don't care. The Great Empire Of Activision's stance on this is that all the money you have belongs to us, as everything in this world and worlds beyond rightfully does. Quote the Kotick, nevermore."
When asked is this stance was wise given that the same stance is held by Chevron, BP, Shell, ExxonMobil, Koch Industries, and nearly every other oil company in America, Mr. Kotick's response was, "Don't make me go Libya on your ass. Quote the Kotick, nevermore."
Consumer response to this move has been mixed. DarkElf43345 said, "I don't want to pay the extra money, but I can't help it. I need the WoW. I can't live without it." JudyOffspring54356 said, "Well, I guess I'll have to reach deeper into my pocket to buy the next Guitar Hero game. Wait. THEY DID WHAT!!!" Finally, CognacAficionado was heard to say, "I can not possibly see how this will affect a rich, sophisticated man such as myself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play a game of such refinement, that it is only worthy of people such as myself. I'm off to play King's Quest."
We Don't Need Another Guitar Hero (Limitless)
Ever since the announcement of the cancellation of the Guitar Hero franchise by The Great Empire Of Activision, the reason for doing so was well known. However, what was not know was in what way was this announcement made internally. Through connections and light bribery, this publication has been able to obtain that internal memo. The memo was penned by President of The Great Empire Of Activision, Bobby Kotick.
OUT OF THE RUINS, OUT FROM THE WRECKAGE, WE CAN`T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE THIS TIME. WE ARE THE CREATORS OF THIS GENERATION. WE ARE THE ONES WHO WON'T BE LEFT BEHIND. I AM THE MAN WHO WILL ENACT THE CHANGE. I DO NOT EVER FEAR THAT WE WILL NOT REMAIN.
WE DON`T NEED ANOTHER GUITAR HERO. WE DON'T NEED TO CONTINUE THIS GAME. ALL I WANT IS PROFITS BEYOND LIMITLESS.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR GAMES WE CAN EXPLOIT. THERE`S GOTTA BE SOMETHING PROFITABLE OUT THERE. ORIGINALITY, THE END IS COMING. ALL THAT IS LEFT WILL BE OURS TO TAKE. AND I AM THE MAN WHO WILL ENACT THE CHANGE. I DO NOT EVER FEAR THAT WE WILL STILL REMAIN.
ALL THE SUITS SAY WE DON`T NEED ANOTHER GUITAR HERO. WE DON'T NEED TO CONTINUE THIS GAME. ALL I WANT IS PROFITS BEYOND LIMITLESS.
WE WILL SURELY DO THAT. WE WILL LEAVE A LOTTA CASH. THE EMPIRE WILL SHINE LIKE A LIGHT IN THE CURRENT DARKNESS. GIVE IT ALL OR NOTHING!
WE DON`T NEED ANOTHER GUITAR HERO. WE DON'T NEED TO CONTINUE THIS GAME. ALL I WANT IS PROFITS BEYOND LIMITLESS.
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