Insensitive Drunken Joking

Joking About The Joker And Joplin

On Sunday, May 22rd, a tornado touched down in the city of Joplin, Missouri. There was tremendous damage done to this community by this weather event, including the deaths of 116 people, as of this writing.

One of the places believed to be hit hard by this tornado was the St, John's Regional Medical Center, pictured above. However, investigators now believe that the tornado was not to blame for the destruction done to this medical center. Police are now looking for this man:

This man operates under several aliases, and his background varies depending on when you ask him and the circumstances he finds himself in. Police consider this man to be armed and dangerous. He is believed to not be carrying a gun, but can make deadly use of a knife, explosives, and a pencil. If you know the whereabouts of this man, contact your local police department.



Sony's Playstation E3 Press Conference Drinking Game

On Monday, June 6th, Sony will hold it's annual E3 Press Conference. Little is known or confirmed about this event, but Sony has informed attendees that the event will last five hours. Like many events, people have created drinking games to go along with Sony's Playstation E3 Press Conference. I am one of them. Here are the rules of my game.

First of all, five hours? You could get drunk, sober up, and get drunk again in that time. What could Sony have planned to do with this huge amount of time?


The drink of choice for this drinking game is Jack Daniels. Other forms of alcohol will suffice, but a real man drinks Jack. Also, if you play this drinking game with root beer, I will find you and I will hurt you.

Take a drink whenever any of the following games are mentioned:

Uncharted 3

Little Big Planet 2

Infamous 2

The Last Guardian

Resistance 3

Mass Effect 3.


Take a drink whenever the following words are spoken:
Apologize, Sorry, Regret, Mistakes, Failures, Consequences, and Amends

Take five drinks if the following paragraph or something resembling the following paragraph is said:
"We at Sony Computer Entertainment recognize that they way we handled the breach of personal information at the Playstation Network was wrong. While we were not responsible for what happened, the way we handled the situation was highly regrettable. We offer our most sincerest of apologies."

Finally, if anybody from Sony blames the hacker group Anonymous for ANYTHING, throw the bottle at the screen.

Play this game in good health or don't. Enjoy!

Grim And Disturbing Whirring Females

Hunter Red Is Not Nice


Hunter Red is on a flight headed from Salt Lake International Airport to Las Vegas, NV. The flight has yet to take off and Hunter is in his seat listening to the new Lupe Fiasco album. An older woman, Charity Harvey, takes the seat next to Hunter. She is fidgeting with her jewelry, looking around sharply, and doing other things people to when they are nervous. Then she begins to speak.

Charity Harvey- Oh god. Oh god no. It's going to happen. I know it. It is.

Hunter is actively trying to ignore Charity as she continues.

Charity Harvey- I saw them. Those men with the beards and the- the- what do they call those things?

Hunter is still ignoring Charity but can hear her babbling.

Charity Harvey- Oh god. I knew I should have taken a bus. I can't take a train, thank you very much Amtrak, but I should have taken a bus. I just know. I just know.

Finally, Hunter stops ignoring Charity.

Hunter Red- What do you know?
Charity Harvey- Don't tell me you don't know.
Hunter Red- Know what?
Charity Harvey- Don't you have that seep feeling in your bosom.
Hunter Red- I don't have a bosom.
Charity Harvey- We're going down.

Hunter gets an odd look on his face.

Hunter Red- On eachother?
Charity Harvey- No. God, I knew this was the day. I knew this was the day those darn Muslims were going to get me.
Hunter Red- Wait, do you think terrorist are going to hijack this plane and drive it into something?
Charity Harvey- SHHHHH! They're going to hear you!

Hunter gets a devilish grim on his face.

Hunter Red- Miss, what is your name?
Charity Harvey- Charity.
Hunter Red- Charity, my name is Hunter.
Charity Harvey- Hi.
Hunter Red- Charity, I can assure you, this plane is not going to be hijacked.
Charity Harvey- Are you sure?
Hunter Red- Yes.
Charity Harvey- How can you say that?
Hunter Red- Charity, if any terrorist was going to use a plane from Salt Lake to commit a terrorist act, they wouldn't take off from the International Airport. They'd take off from Airport #2.

Charity is not comforted by Hunter saying this. The look on her face reflects that.

Hunter Red- Any good terrorist would get one of those Cessna aircrafts, construct a fertilizer bomb like the one Timothy McVey used in Oklahoma City, take off from Airport #2, and fly their plane bomb right over the Oquirrih Mountains, and right into the Tooele Army Depot. That way they not only can bomb a military instillation, but they can cause a massive release of the chemical and biological weapons that are stored there. That release would waft over the Oquirrih Mountains, right into the major population center that is the Salt Lake Valley.

Charity has turned bone white. When Hunter finishes his morbid tale, Charity reacts like this:

Charity Harvey- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Charity launches into a full blown panic. She continues to scream and babble incoherently at a high volume of speech. The only way that Hunter reacts to this is to pull out the Skymall Catalogue, leaf through it, and say:

Hunter Red- Oh look, automated orange peelers. Neat.


END SCENE







The UAE Strikes Again

From a Facebook post on the website of major video game retailer Geekay Games, it is believed that the recently released Rockstar Games sensation L.A. Noire has been banned in the United Arab Emirates. No formal reaction has been given by Rockstar Games, but, through our contacts in the Saudi royal family, this publication has been able to get a statement on the ban from the UAE's National Media Council, the governmental agency responsible for the ban.

"The reason that this agency chose to ban Rockstar Games's L.A. Noire is the very same reason why we chose to ban Quantic Dreams's Heavy Rain last year(Link to blog post). L.A. Noire features women, depicted in ways that makes them appear to be very much human, with fully formed human brains and human intellects. This kind of flagrantly realistic depiction of the obviously weaker sex runs in conflict with our interpretations of the teaching of the Quran. This ban is not permanent. Rockstar Games does have the right to alter it's game in a way that conforms to our standards. That, or they can bribe me."

Inquiries to Rockstar Games for a statement for this article have gone unanswered as of press time.

Walking In A Network With Words

This Is A Good Day

There's a flower box just outside of my apartment building that I always treasure walking by. I always enjoy the sweet smell and vibrant colour of plants in full bloom. Any kind of plant seems beautiful to me. Marigolds growing in the part, daffodils poking out of the sidewalk, even grass has a unique beauty to me. The world coming into life seems to invigorate me and make me feel even more full as a woman.

On nice morning, like the ones we've been having lately, I will choose to leave my car in it's drab oil stained holding place, and take a leisurely stroll to work, passing by all the best things this city has to offer. People pleasantly greeting the day, kids running along in packs to fun places of their own design, the sounds of a city just on the verge of waking up. Even the breeze blowing through the tall building has a special place in my heart. The feeling as the air passing against, into, and through me brings me into contact with my body in a way that is more spiritual than sexual. The blissful feeling that I have walking through this city is one I wish I could hold onto for the entire day. Sadly, that can not be.

As I get to work, I enter another drab oil stained holding place. This time the holding place is stained with the oil that is drizzled on salads people are deceived into thinking is healthy for them. It's not that I don't like salads, it's that anything that big that contains that much cheese, bacon, and toxins is surely not healthy for you. Sadly, the putrid smell that emanates from those salads seems to diffuse into the surrounding area. I swear, everything around the offices I work in seems dead. The grass is not naturally green, unless you count the natural dyes in paint as being from nature. The trees are nothing more than oddly cut lumber that does more to provide bike messengers a place to park than to positively add to the ambience of this place. Even the concrete, which is already dead, is made to feel even more dead. The way the sidewalk is cracked and crumbling prevents people from taking a walk without having to worry about tripping on it.

The people who work with me are somewhat better than the surrounding here. Well, most of them are. The security guy is a big teddy bear with a effervescent smile that greets anyone he encounters, whether or not he gets a smile in return. My boss, while still infected with the evil that comes with being a part of the corporate world, is a pleasant man to be around. He's more pleasant if he's holding a snifter of brandy. There is one guy who's mood seems to match the ambience here. He's the bright star, the young player, the one who this company's future is built upon. It's too bad that he carries negativity with him, like the Earth of the back of Atlas. It's also too bad that his negativity infects me nearly everyday. It always seems to happen when we ride the elevator together. I try to say something to the guy like,

"Isn't it a beautiful day?"

He always seems to reply with a grumble as he drinks his brown bubbly beverage.

"Doesn't everything seem so alive and new?"

Again, grumble into beverage.

"How can you not be enlightened by surroundings like this?"

It's usually at this point that the guy's response rises above a grumble.

"I know you have a generally optimistic outlook toward life, but I can't stand crap like that."

Ouch. That response, or ones like that, usually make me feel down for a second or two. This response, however, was different. You see, the guy I was talking to usually says shit. This time he said crap. This response showed progress in the outlook of my company's bright star. This is a good day.







GIVE ME BACK MY NETWORK!!!

Recently, speculation has been rampant as so how Sony will address the PlayStation Network outages at the upcoming Electronic Entertainment Expo. However, recently some credible information has come forth. In a conversation in a internet relay chat room, a user identified as J4y50|\|13731r has posted online the full text of a planned speech to be delivered by Sony's Executive Deputy President Kaz Hirai. Here is the speech:

The whole world now knows my network, PSN, was hacked for no discernible reason in April. This is a recent photograph of my network. PSN, if you're watching, we love you. And the large amount of American money sitting in front of me, well this is what waits for the man that took him. This is your ransom. Two million dollars in unmarked bills, just like all you stupid hackers want.

But this is as close as you hackers ever get to it. You'll never see one dollar of this money, because no ransom will ever be paid for my network. Not one dime. Not one penny.

Instead, I'm offering this money as a reward on your head. Dead or alive, it doesn't matter. So, congratulations hackers. You've just become a two million dollar lottery ticket, except the odds are much, much better. Do you know anyone that wouldn't turn you in for two million dollars? I don't think you do. I doubt it. So, wherever you go and whatever you do, this money will be tracking you down for all time.

And to insure that it does, to keep interest alive, I'm running a full-page add in every major newspaper, television show, magazine, blog, internet forum, and IRC channel, every Sunday for as long as it takes. But -- and this is your last chance -- you return my network, alive, uninjured, I'll withdraw the bounty. With any luck, you can simply disappear. Understand? You will never see this money. Not one dollar.

So, you hackers still have a chance to do the right thing. If you don't, well, then, God be with you, because nobody else on this earth will be.

Legalese To English

Legalese To English

In the episode "Humancentipad", the creators of South Park pointed out the perils of agreeing to an End User Licensing Agreement without reading it. You could be agreeing to have a corporation track your every movement, retain all your personal information, and be sewn ass to mouth with a Japanese man with irritable bowel syndrome. To that end, I wanted to see exactly what was in the Apple iTunes End User Licensing Agreement and what it means in a language humans actually use. Utilizing my vast legal knowledge gained while watching episodes of Boston Legal, Matlock, Judge Judy, as well as contesting that traffic ticket I get last week, I have translated the Apple EULA to English as best as any person who is not a robot can.

LICENSED APPLICATION END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT

The product covered by this license is covered by this license, unless another license agreement covers it, in which case that license agreement covers the product. Remember that part of the constitution that says all powers not granted to the federal government is granted to the states? Well, all powers not granted to you is granted to the party you are entering into this agreement with, which is Apple.

a. This license applies to you, and only you. You may not share this license, you may not rent this license, you may not sell this license, you may not avail yourself of this license in any way. To do so would be a violation of the rights of the party you are entering into this license with, Apple. Doing so may result in you being prosecuted. I'm not kidding. This license also governs any upgrades the manufacturer may make to the product unless another license governs that upgraded product.

b. This section governs how you agree that Apple may collect information about you. This information includes:
Technical Data
Related Information
Technical Information
This includes data about your device, system and application software, and peripherals. Also, App providers may collect information about you. The App providers may collect this information as long as it is in a form that does not personally identify you.

c. Apple retains the right to send a Terminator, a formidable robotic assassin and soldier designed by the military, to eliminate you if you do anything that violates this licensing agreement. Upon termination of you, you shall cease all use of the product this licensing agreement covers as you will be dead.

d. Applications covered by this licensing agreement may access sites on the internet owned by the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, and other companies. You accept this as a part of this agreement.

If you agree to this EULA, you are aware that in using this product, you may access content that people may find offensive. This may happen intentionally or unintentionally. The risks that come with accessing offensive content are your risks and not the risks of the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple.

In the normal use of this device, you may be directed to websites not owned by the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, or by the party that owns, distributes, or maintains the application or service you are utilizing. The party that owns, distributes, or maintains the application or service you are utilizing is not responsible for the website or websites you are directed to. This section is a way of covering the asses of people who may accidentally direct you to a website with offensive content on it. You know, like the protection I may need if you click this link. This section also protects the same companies if you take financial information displayed on any app or service in a serious manner. Apparently, if your bank has an app that allows you to see your current account balance, you are not supposed to believe that is your actual account balance. This covers your bank's ass if the information I referenced in the last sentence is wrong.

You will use the services provided by the people who provided the services in the way that the people who provided the services intended to or a large flightless bird will come to your home and sit on your chest. If you find this experience uncomfortable, use that as a lesson to not use services provided to you by people in a way that those people did not intend you to do. Also, Apple retains the right to choose which kind of flightless bird will sit on your chest.

Things that are available in the Apple iTunes store may not be available in all locations. You are responsible for the content that you access in the iTunes store. If the things that you access in the iTunes store breaks the law where you live, it's your ass, not the ass of the party providing you with the content. If the party providing the content chooses to remove that content, you have no recourse for that action. The party providing the content does not have to tell you or anybody that they are ceasing proving the content. The party providing the content may also restrict access to that content.

e. THERE IS NO WARRANTY OF ANY KIND ASSOCIATED WITH THIS AGREEMENT. THIS SECTION IS ALSO YELLED AT THE PERSON AGREEING TO THIS AGREEMENT FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER.

f. If Apple sends a Terminator, a formidable robotic assassin and soldier designed by the military, and that Terminator fails to dispatch the person it was intended to dispatch, the person that was not dispatched may not sue Apple for damages exceeding the amount of fifty US Dollars.

g. This licensing agreement, which you can not transfer to any other person as was established in section a, may not be transferred to anyone on any of the following lists:
U.S. Treasure Department's list of Specially Designated Nationals
U.S. Department of Commerce Denied Person's List or Entry List
You also agree that you will not use this device for any illegal activity, including, not kidding, the manufacture or production of nuclear weapons, missiles, chemical weapons, or biological weapons. In short, if you know Ayman al-Zawahiri, do not let him use your iPhone for terrorist activities. Just let him listen to the new Strokes album.

h. This section contains information about the particular federal laws that define what a commercial item is, what commercial computer software is, and commercial computer software documentation is. This sections essentially says that the product you purchased is a product that can be purchased, is a computer, and is governed by laws governing those products.

i. The party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, is located in California, and as such is governed by the laws of the state of California. You are subject to the laws that govern that location that you live in. This agreement is subject to those laws.

Televisionia

Televisionia

Down the street from The Official Offices of The Redertainment Corporation Of America is a diner. This diner serves good, healthy dinners and fine sandwiches for the lunch rush. This diner also offers delivery, which is how I usually gave this diner business while I was working on my writing. This diner is called Televisionia. Recently, the delivery service was temporarily suspended, meaning if I wanted to continue eating from this diner I had to go down to the diner and get the food myself. On Wednesday, I did this. I went down to the diner, ordered their signature "The Chicago Code" and took a seat as I waited for my order. As I waited, a middle aged man came up from the back part of the diner and talked to me.

"Hello," the man said to me.

"Hi," I replied.

"It's good to see you in here."

"Okay." I didn't know what to make of this conversation.

"I'm sorry if I'm weirding you out. It's just with the closure of one of the streets in front of my diner, the Peabody Strauss Netherway, business has been down a bit."

"So, you're the owner of this diner."

"Yes." The man then extended his hand to me. "I am Hulu Televisionia, and I own this place."

I shook Hulu's hand, and said, "Good to meet you. By the way, have the people working on the road told you when they'll be done?"

"No. The people working on the road, South Orange North Yolk didn't even tell me that they were going to be working on the road before the just started tearing it up."

"Really? That's fucked up."

"Yes. I wouldn't use that strong of language, but yes, it is. Anyway, I wanted to offer you this." Hulu then dug into the pocket on the front of his shirt and handed me a piece of paper. This paper was a coupon for a free meal from Televisionia.

"Ah thank you. But, why are you doing this? I mean it's not your fault that the road was torn up."

"Yes, but I want my customers to know that I appreciate their continued business. Also, this serves as a good PR boost for me, something South Orange North Yolk seems not to be interested in."

I put the coupon in my pocket and said, "Well, thanks. I'll have to use this the next time I come in."

"Great. Enjoy your meal." Hulu said this to me as me order was delivered to me. I stepped outside, intending to make my way back to my office, when I looked and saw something that caught my attention. Hulu saw that something had caught my attention. "You aren't thinking of using the coupon now, are you?"

"No, I just saw that." I pointed toward another road crew working on a road that serves as a alternate to the Peabody Strauss Netherway. "What is that?"

"Oh, that is the Liveway. It's a road that been rumored for a while, but the people making the road just recently got finished."

I was shocked by this. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Can people use this road as an alternative to get to your diner?"

"Yes." Hulu started smiling.

"So, will your delivery service be back up and running soon."

"Yes, on Friday in fact." Hulu was now smiling ear to ear.

"That's cool. You must be very happy."

"Yes, I am."

"By the way, who's doing that road work?"

"Microsoft."

I was shocked by this. "Really? They make roads?"

"Yes, Microsoft kind of does everything. They're like Walmart, except not the kind of evil that Walmart is."

"Hmmm. Well, I look forward to giving you more business." I walked away from Televisionia, with my order in hand, intending to go back to that diner again and again and again, thanks to the fine road work done by Microsoft.


THE END