Televisionia

Televisionia

Down the street from The Official Offices of The Redertainment Corporation Of America is a diner. This diner serves good, healthy dinners and fine sandwiches for the lunch rush. This diner also offers delivery, which is how I usually gave this diner business while I was working on my writing. This diner is called Televisionia. Recently, the delivery service was temporarily suspended, meaning if I wanted to continue eating from this diner I had to go down to the diner and get the food myself. On Wednesday, I did this. I went down to the diner, ordered their signature "The Chicago Code" and took a seat as I waited for my order. As I waited, a middle aged man came up from the back part of the diner and talked to me.

"Hello," the man said to me.

"Hi," I replied.

"It's good to see you in here."

"Okay." I didn't know what to make of this conversation.

"I'm sorry if I'm weirding you out. It's just with the closure of one of the streets in front of my diner, the Peabody Strauss Netherway, business has been down a bit."

"So, you're the owner of this diner."

"Yes." The man then extended his hand to me. "I am Hulu Televisionia, and I own this place."

I shook Hulu's hand, and said, "Good to meet you. By the way, have the people working on the road told you when they'll be done?"

"No. The people working on the road, South Orange North Yolk didn't even tell me that they were going to be working on the road before the just started tearing it up."

"Really? That's fucked up."

"Yes. I wouldn't use that strong of language, but yes, it is. Anyway, I wanted to offer you this." Hulu then dug into the pocket on the front of his shirt and handed me a piece of paper. This paper was a coupon for a free meal from Televisionia.

"Ah thank you. But, why are you doing this? I mean it's not your fault that the road was torn up."

"Yes, but I want my customers to know that I appreciate their continued business. Also, this serves as a good PR boost for me, something South Orange North Yolk seems not to be interested in."

I put the coupon in my pocket and said, "Well, thanks. I'll have to use this the next time I come in."

"Great. Enjoy your meal." Hulu said this to me as me order was delivered to me. I stepped outside, intending to make my way back to my office, when I looked and saw something that caught my attention. Hulu saw that something had caught my attention. "You aren't thinking of using the coupon now, are you?"

"No, I just saw that." I pointed toward another road crew working on a road that serves as a alternate to the Peabody Strauss Netherway. "What is that?"

"Oh, that is the Liveway. It's a road that been rumored for a while, but the people making the road just recently got finished."

I was shocked by this. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Can people use this road as an alternative to get to your diner?"

"Yes." Hulu started smiling.

"So, will your delivery service be back up and running soon."

"Yes, on Friday in fact." Hulu was now smiling ear to ear.

"That's cool. You must be very happy."

"Yes, I am."

"By the way, who's doing that road work?"

"Microsoft."

I was shocked by this. "Really? They make roads?"

"Yes, Microsoft kind of does everything. They're like Walmart, except not the kind of evil that Walmart is."

"Hmmm. Well, I look forward to giving you more business." I walked away from Televisionia, with my order in hand, intending to go back to that diner again and again and again, thanks to the fine road work done by Microsoft.


THE END

Xbox Live June Update List

Recently, Kotaku released a list of features that was supposed to be on the Microsoft 360 Spring Dashboard Update. In response, Larry Hryb, better known to the world as John James Preston, announced that there would be no update. However, today on his blog, Mr. Preston released a detailed list of what will be a part of the June 2008 Xbox 360 Dashboard Update to be released on Wednesday, June 18th at 3:00 A.M. PST. Here is a reproduction of that list.


The ability to plug in your iPod and stream music bought off iTunes.
The ability to play videos stored on most external devices plugged into the USB port.
The ability to clear any unwanted game from your played game/Gamerscore list, provided that no Gamerscore has been accrued.
If a user is watching a DVD, the user will appear as "Busy".
Recognition for selected DVD movies as well as games.


A new feature will be rolled out that will allow Gold Members to play Dreamcast, PS1 and PS2 games. This system, called Wired Extra ReUsuable Learned Extraordinarities, or W.E.R.U.L.E., is expected to work via a relationship with Black Pearl and head boss Jack Sparrow. The reaction to this move by game companies and console manufactures in decidedly "pissed".


Enabling of the ability to destroy the console of any cheating members via the as of yet discovered C4 charges packed in all 360 consoles.


The ability to turn the Red Rings of Death orange.
The as of yet described "SeXbox" feature.


The ability for users to turn on the controllers rumble feature and leave it on for hours in needed. This is expected to greatly benefit female users.


The ability to check your Hotmail account for messages from Nigerians looking to give you large sums of totally legitimate cash.


The ability to surf the Internet for all things, except pornography. As a result of the inability to surf porn, this feature is not expected to be used.


The ability to hire a hit man to take out people who are better than you at Halo 3.


The ability to better describe why you are filing a complaint against people over Xbox Live. This will allow you to better describe why that guy who showed Barbie dolls having sex should be banned, as well as shot.


The enabling of a peripheral that dispenses Red Bull.


A feature that allows the 360 to reject any game that rates under 40 on Metacritic.


The ability to search vehicle lots for any vehicles bought in Forza 2. This is not expected to help anyone searching for a vintage Geo Metro.
And finally, a feature that allows any hardcore gamer to get laid. Just kidding about that one.

The reaction to this update has been as variant as any decision made by Microsoft regarding it's gaming division. These reactions include "Kick ass", to "What the fuck!", to "Awesome! I'm gonna finally have sex!".