Death From Above 1979- The Physical World
Available September 9th. Pre-order the physical version in various forms here, or pre-order it digitally on iTunes.
Showing posts with label iTunes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label iTunes. Show all posts
PUT THIS IN YOUR EARHOLES!!!
Death From Above 1979- The Physical World
Available September 9th. Pre-order the physical version in various forms here, or pre-order it digitally on iTunes.
Legalese To English
Legalese To English
In the episode "Humancentipad", the creators of South Park pointed out the perils of agreeing to an End User Licensing Agreement without reading it. You could be agreeing to have a corporation track your every movement, retain all your personal information, and be sewn ass to mouth with a Japanese man with irritable bowel syndrome. To that end, I wanted to see exactly what was in the Apple iTunes End User Licensing Agreement and what it means in a language humans actually use. Utilizing my vast legal knowledge gained while watching episodes of Boston Legal, Matlock, Judge Judy, as well as contesting that traffic ticket I get last week, I have translated the Apple EULA to English as best as any person who is not a robot can.
LICENSED APPLICATION END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT
The product covered by this license is covered by this license, unless another license agreement covers it, in which case that license agreement covers the product. Remember that part of the constitution that says all powers not granted to the federal government is granted to the states? Well, all powers not granted to you is granted to the party you are entering into this agreement with, which is Apple.
a. This license applies to you, and only you. You may not share this license, you may not rent this license, you may not sell this license, you may not avail yourself of this license in any way. To do so would be a violation of the rights of the party you are entering into this license with, Apple. Doing so may result in you being prosecuted. I'm not kidding. This license also governs any upgrades the manufacturer may make to the product unless another license governs that upgraded product.
b. This section governs how you agree that Apple may collect information about you. This information includes:
Technical Data
Related Information
Technical Information
This includes data about your device, system and application software, and peripherals. Also, App providers may collect information about you. The App providers may collect this information as long as it is in a form that does not personally identify you.
c. Apple retains the right to send a Terminator, a formidable robotic assassin and soldier designed by the military, to eliminate you if you do anything that violates this licensing agreement. Upon termination of you, you shall cease all use of the product this licensing agreement covers as you will be dead.
d. Applications covered by this licensing agreement may access sites on the internet owned by the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, and other companies. You accept this as a part of this agreement.
If you agree to this EULA, you are aware that in using this product, you may access content that people may find offensive. This may happen intentionally or unintentionally. The risks that come with accessing offensive content are your risks and not the risks of the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple.
In the normal use of this device, you may be directed to websites not owned by the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, or by the party that owns, distributes, or maintains the application or service you are utilizing. The party that owns, distributes, or maintains the application or service you are utilizing is not responsible for the website or websites you are directed to. This section is a way of covering the asses of people who may accidentally direct you to a website with offensive content on it. You know, like the protection I may need if you click this link. This section also protects the same companies if you take financial information displayed on any app or service in a serious manner. Apparently, if your bank has an app that allows you to see your current account balance, you are not supposed to believe that is your actual account balance. This covers your bank's ass if the information I referenced in the last sentence is wrong.
You will use the services provided by the people who provided the services in the way that the people who provided the services intended to or a large flightless bird will come to your home and sit on your chest. If you find this experience uncomfortable, use that as a lesson to not use services provided to you by people in a way that those people did not intend you to do. Also, Apple retains the right to choose which kind of flightless bird will sit on your chest.
Things that are available in the Apple iTunes store may not be available in all locations. You are responsible for the content that you access in the iTunes store. If the things that you access in the iTunes store breaks the law where you live, it's your ass, not the ass of the party providing you with the content. If the party providing the content chooses to remove that content, you have no recourse for that action. The party providing the content does not have to tell you or anybody that they are ceasing proving the content. The party providing the content may also restrict access to that content.
e. THERE IS NO WARRANTY OF ANY KIND ASSOCIATED WITH THIS AGREEMENT. THIS SECTION IS ALSO YELLED AT THE PERSON AGREEING TO THIS AGREEMENT FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER.
f. If Apple sends a Terminator, a formidable robotic assassin and soldier designed by the military, and that Terminator fails to dispatch the person it was intended to dispatch, the person that was not dispatched may not sue Apple for damages exceeding the amount of fifty US Dollars.
g. This licensing agreement, which you can not transfer to any other person as was established in section a, may not be transferred to anyone on any of the following lists:
U.S. Treasure Department's list of Specially Designated Nationals
U.S. Department of Commerce Denied Person's List or Entry List
You also agree that you will not use this device for any illegal activity, including, not kidding, the manufacture or production of nuclear weapons, missiles, chemical weapons, or biological weapons. In short, if you know Ayman al-Zawahiri, do not let him use your iPhone for terrorist activities. Just let him listen to the new Strokes album.
h. This section contains information about the particular federal laws that define what a commercial item is, what commercial computer software is, and commercial computer software documentation is. This sections essentially says that the product you purchased is a product that can be purchased, is a computer, and is governed by laws governing those products.
i. The party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, is located in California, and as such is governed by the laws of the state of California. You are subject to the laws that govern that location that you live in. This agreement is subject to those laws.
In the episode "Humancentipad", the creators of South Park pointed out the perils of agreeing to an End User Licensing Agreement without reading it. You could be agreeing to have a corporation track your every movement, retain all your personal information, and be sewn ass to mouth with a Japanese man with irritable bowel syndrome. To that end, I wanted to see exactly what was in the Apple iTunes End User Licensing Agreement and what it means in a language humans actually use. Utilizing my vast legal knowledge gained while watching episodes of Boston Legal, Matlock, Judge Judy, as well as contesting that traffic ticket I get last week, I have translated the Apple EULA to English as best as any person who is not a robot can.
LICENSED APPLICATION END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT
The product covered by this license is covered by this license, unless another license agreement covers it, in which case that license agreement covers the product. Remember that part of the constitution that says all powers not granted to the federal government is granted to the states? Well, all powers not granted to you is granted to the party you are entering into this agreement with, which is Apple.
a. This license applies to you, and only you. You may not share this license, you may not rent this license, you may not sell this license, you may not avail yourself of this license in any way. To do so would be a violation of the rights of the party you are entering into this license with, Apple. Doing so may result in you being prosecuted. I'm not kidding. This license also governs any upgrades the manufacturer may make to the product unless another license governs that upgraded product.
b. This section governs how you agree that Apple may collect information about you. This information includes:
Technical Data
Related Information
Technical Information
This includes data about your device, system and application software, and peripherals. Also, App providers may collect information about you. The App providers may collect this information as long as it is in a form that does not personally identify you.
c. Apple retains the right to send a Terminator, a formidable robotic assassin and soldier designed by the military, to eliminate you if you do anything that violates this licensing agreement. Upon termination of you, you shall cease all use of the product this licensing agreement covers as you will be dead.
d. Applications covered by this licensing agreement may access sites on the internet owned by the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, and other companies. You accept this as a part of this agreement.
If you agree to this EULA, you are aware that in using this product, you may access content that people may find offensive. This may happen intentionally or unintentionally. The risks that come with accessing offensive content are your risks and not the risks of the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple.
In the normal use of this device, you may be directed to websites not owned by the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, or by the party that owns, distributes, or maintains the application or service you are utilizing. The party that owns, distributes, or maintains the application or service you are utilizing is not responsible for the website or websites you are directed to. This section is a way of covering the asses of people who may accidentally direct you to a website with offensive content on it. You know, like the protection I may need if you click this link. This section also protects the same companies if you take financial information displayed on any app or service in a serious manner. Apparently, if your bank has an app that allows you to see your current account balance, you are not supposed to believe that is your actual account balance. This covers your bank's ass if the information I referenced in the last sentence is wrong.
You will use the services provided by the people who provided the services in the way that the people who provided the services intended to or a large flightless bird will come to your home and sit on your chest. If you find this experience uncomfortable, use that as a lesson to not use services provided to you by people in a way that those people did not intend you to do. Also, Apple retains the right to choose which kind of flightless bird will sit on your chest.
Things that are available in the Apple iTunes store may not be available in all locations. You are responsible for the content that you access in the iTunes store. If the things that you access in the iTunes store breaks the law where you live, it's your ass, not the ass of the party providing you with the content. If the party providing the content chooses to remove that content, you have no recourse for that action. The party providing the content does not have to tell you or anybody that they are ceasing proving the content. The party providing the content may also restrict access to that content.
e. THERE IS NO WARRANTY OF ANY KIND ASSOCIATED WITH THIS AGREEMENT. THIS SECTION IS ALSO YELLED AT THE PERSON AGREEING TO THIS AGREEMENT FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER.
f. If Apple sends a Terminator, a formidable robotic assassin and soldier designed by the military, and that Terminator fails to dispatch the person it was intended to dispatch, the person that was not dispatched may not sue Apple for damages exceeding the amount of fifty US Dollars.
g. This licensing agreement, which you can not transfer to any other person as was established in section a, may not be transferred to anyone on any of the following lists:
U.S. Treasure Department's list of Specially Designated Nationals
U.S. Department of Commerce Denied Person's List or Entry List
You also agree that you will not use this device for any illegal activity, including, not kidding, the manufacture or production of nuclear weapons, missiles, chemical weapons, or biological weapons. In short, if you know Ayman al-Zawahiri, do not let him use your iPhone for terrorist activities. Just let him listen to the new Strokes album.
h. This section contains information about the particular federal laws that define what a commercial item is, what commercial computer software is, and commercial computer software documentation is. This sections essentially says that the product you purchased is a product that can be purchased, is a computer, and is governed by laws governing those products.
i. The party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, is located in California, and as such is governed by the laws of the state of California. You are subject to the laws that govern that location that you live in. This agreement is subject to those laws.
****- Distorted Impressions of Trent's Apple
Brutal Legend Demo Impressions
The following is a series of tweets I put out while playing the demo for Brutal Legend. @Redertainment
Beginning the Brutal Legend Demo now.9:09 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Jack Black swearing FTMFW!9:12 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
I am so buying the soundtrack to Brutal Legend. The game as well, but definitely the soundtrack.9:15 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
I haven't enjoyed a demo this much since the NBA Street demo. Awesome.9:21 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Dear Activision: You passed on Brutal Legend? YOU SUCK!9:24 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Have I mentioned recently that the Brutal Legend Demo is fucking awesome? It is, I've just been distracted by iTunes 9.0. Damn you Apple!9:41 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Dear EA: You have brought me three great gaming experiences this year. Tiger Woods, Mirror's Edge, and Dead Space. Make that four.9:44 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
How keep on saying "counterweights" as if that is supposed to help me. I don't know how to drop the counterweights!9:51 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
irweak. Looking up walkthrough9:57 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
@BobbyBlackwolf Scribblenauts? Nah, I'd rather play the Brutal Legend Demo. At least that game is awesome to play while drunk.10:06 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck in reply to BobbyBlackwolf
I think I found one. http://bit.ly/cAXqC 10:14 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Okay, I finished that part. It's amazing how simple that was. I really should have figured it out sooner.10:21 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Fully pauseable cutscenes FTW.10:21 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
It's over? You're right, I haven't seen shit, but I want to!10:22 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
I'm gonna play this again!10:23 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Just finished the Brutal Legend Demo again. Might go back for a third go around in the morning.10:45 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Dear Apple:!!!
In this space originally was a complaint letter about some of the changes made in iTunes version 9.0, specifically the way podcasts were synced. However, on Saturday I downloaded a new version on iTunes that fixed the problem. So thanks Apple. You heard people bitching about something and fixed what they were bitching about. Things are good now.
Halo 3: Useless God Damn Acronym
Seifer Kinneas, President of the Redertainment Corporation Of America, is sitting in his office. Seifer presses a button on his desk and yells-
Seifer- (In a loud obnoxious tone) Hunter, get in here!
Hunter- Sir, you don’t have to yell through the intercom, it amplifies it for you.
Seifer- I like yelling so I will continue yelling.
Hunter- So, what do you need me for?
Seifer- You’re a video game nerd right?
H- Yes.
S- I need some help with this game I’m playing.
H- What is it?
S- Halo 3 Odst. (Seifer attempts to pronounce the acronym as an actual word.)
H- Odst?
S- Yes, Odst.
H- Sir, it’s an acronym. It’s pronounced O-D-S-T.
S- Okay, then I need you help with Halo 3 O-D-S-T.
H- Okay, what do you need help with?
S- I need you to teach me how not to suck at this game.
H- I can’t help you with that.
S- Why not?
H- I suck at Halo
Seifer looks at Hunter like Hunter had just said the most bizarre thing in the history of man.
S- But you’re a video game nerd.
H- Yes.
S- And you suck at Halo?
H- Yes.
S- But I thought all video game nerd were good at Halo?
H- Not me.
S- Why not?
H- I guess I don’t play Halo enough as I prefer games with good stories behind them.
S- But Odst does have a good story behind it. You see alien, you kill alien. What’s better than that?
H- I guess I need something more than that.
Siefer is visibly depressed at this.
S- Okay, you can leave then.
Hunter then walks out of Seifer’s office.
S- (In an obnoxious and loud tone.) Wait, come back!
Hunter walks back into Seifer’s office.
H- What?
S- What does O-D-S-T stand for?
H- Oh Damn this is the Shit Trent.
S- Okay, be gone with you.
Hunter walks out of Seifer’s office again. Seifer picks up the phone, dials, waits for someone to pick up, and says-
S- Hey Grandpa, you wanna play Halo 3 Oh Damn, this is the Shit Trent?
Siefer has this sincere looking smile on his face as the scene ends.
The Official Bullhorn of the Redertainment Corporation Of America
On Thursday, September 24th, 2009 the NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams broadcasted from Pittsburg, Pennsylvania, site of the most recent G-20 Summit. During the broadcast a protester on a bullhorn was heard in the background. Due to the dynamics of your garden variety bullhorn, the message the protester was trying to convey was distorted to the point that it was incomprehensible.
After diligent work in the audio labs at the Redertainment Corporation Of America, we have managed to decipher the message the protester was trying to convey. Here is an audio transcript of that message.
“Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention for a moment. I just want to take this opportunity to tell people how great this book I just read is. The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust, available for free at Redertainment.com.”
After that the protester kept repeating this message until the broadcast was finished. The identity of the protester is unknown at this point. However it is noteworthy that R.C.O.A. reporter Robin Anderson was out of the office on the day the protester was trying to convey their message. Miss Anderson’s whereabouts during this period is unknown at this point and a phone call to the offices of the Redertainment Corporation Of America, specifically extension 115, would be very much appreciated.
The following is a series of tweets I put out while playing the demo for Brutal Legend. @Redertainment
Beginning the Brutal Legend Demo now.9:09 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Jack Black swearing FTMFW!9:12 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
I am so buying the soundtrack to Brutal Legend. The game as well, but definitely the soundtrack.9:15 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
I haven't enjoyed a demo this much since the NBA Street demo. Awesome.9:21 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Dear Activision: You passed on Brutal Legend? YOU SUCK!9:24 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Have I mentioned recently that the Brutal Legend Demo is fucking awesome? It is, I've just been distracted by iTunes 9.0. Damn you Apple!9:41 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Dear EA: You have brought me three great gaming experiences this year. Tiger Woods, Mirror's Edge, and Dead Space. Make that four.9:44 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
How keep on saying "counterweights" as if that is supposed to help me. I don't know how to drop the counterweights!9:51 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
irweak. Looking up walkthrough9:57 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
@BobbyBlackwolf Scribblenauts? Nah, I'd rather play the Brutal Legend Demo. At least that game is awesome to play while drunk.10:06 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck in reply to BobbyBlackwolf
I think I found one. http://bit.ly/cAXqC 10:14 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Okay, I finished that part. It's amazing how simple that was. I really should have figured it out sooner.10:21 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Fully pauseable cutscenes FTW.10:21 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
It's over? You're right, I haven't seen shit, but I want to!10:22 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
I'm gonna play this again!10:23 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Just finished the Brutal Legend Demo again. Might go back for a third go around in the morning.10:45 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck
Dear Apple:!!!
In this space originally was a complaint letter about some of the changes made in iTunes version 9.0, specifically the way podcasts were synced. However, on Saturday I downloaded a new version on iTunes that fixed the problem. So thanks Apple. You heard people bitching about something and fixed what they were bitching about. Things are good now.
Halo 3: Useless God Damn Acronym
Seifer Kinneas, President of the Redertainment Corporation Of America, is sitting in his office. Seifer presses a button on his desk and yells-
Seifer- (In a loud obnoxious tone) Hunter, get in here!
Hunter- Sir, you don’t have to yell through the intercom, it amplifies it for you.
Seifer- I like yelling so I will continue yelling.
Hunter- So, what do you need me for?
Seifer- You’re a video game nerd right?
H- Yes.
S- I need some help with this game I’m playing.
H- What is it?
S- Halo 3 Odst. (Seifer attempts to pronounce the acronym as an actual word.)
H- Odst?
S- Yes, Odst.
H- Sir, it’s an acronym. It’s pronounced O-D-S-T.
S- Okay, then I need you help with Halo 3 O-D-S-T.
H- Okay, what do you need help with?
S- I need you to teach me how not to suck at this game.
H- I can’t help you with that.
S- Why not?
H- I suck at Halo
Seifer looks at Hunter like Hunter had just said the most bizarre thing in the history of man.
S- But you’re a video game nerd.
H- Yes.
S- And you suck at Halo?
H- Yes.
S- But I thought all video game nerd were good at Halo?
H- Not me.
S- Why not?
H- I guess I don’t play Halo enough as I prefer games with good stories behind them.
S- But Odst does have a good story behind it. You see alien, you kill alien. What’s better than that?
H- I guess I need something more than that.
Siefer is visibly depressed at this.
S- Okay, you can leave then.
Hunter then walks out of Seifer’s office.
S- (In an obnoxious and loud tone.) Wait, come back!
Hunter walks back into Seifer’s office.
H- What?
S- What does O-D-S-T stand for?
H- Oh Damn this is the Shit Trent.
S- Okay, be gone with you.
Hunter walks out of Seifer’s office again. Seifer picks up the phone, dials, waits for someone to pick up, and says-
S- Hey Grandpa, you wanna play Halo 3 Oh Damn, this is the Shit Trent?
Siefer has this sincere looking smile on his face as the scene ends.
The Official Bullhorn of the Redertainment Corporation Of America
On Thursday, September 24th, 2009 the NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams broadcasted from Pittsburg, Pennsylvania, site of the most recent G-20 Summit. During the broadcast a protester on a bullhorn was heard in the background. Due to the dynamics of your garden variety bullhorn, the message the protester was trying to convey was distorted to the point that it was incomprehensible.
After diligent work in the audio labs at the Redertainment Corporation Of America, we have managed to decipher the message the protester was trying to convey. Here is an audio transcript of that message.
“Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention for a moment. I just want to take this opportunity to tell people how great this book I just read is. The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust, available for free at Redertainment.com.”
After that the protester kept repeating this message until the broadcast was finished. The identity of the protester is unknown at this point. However it is noteworthy that R.C.O.A. reporter Robin Anderson was out of the office on the day the protester was trying to convey their message. Miss Anderson’s whereabouts during this period is unknown at this point and a phone call to the offices of the Redertainment Corporation Of America, specifically extension 115, would be very much appreciated.
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