The Reunion: Part 1

The Reunion

Cast-
Jed Harbor- 27 year old manager at Harbor Books And Etc.. Currently resides in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Holland Wheatear- 28 year old photographer for The Ridgefield Press. Currently resides in Ridgefield, Connecticut.
Matt Bowen- 28 year old former Hunter High School class Historian, organizer of the Hunter High School Class of 2001 Reunion, classmate of Jed and Holland.
Liz- Employee of Harbor Books
Cambra- Housewife, classmate of Jed and Holland.
Husbandguy- Married to Cambra
Anthony- Classmate of Jed and Holland.
Jeremy- Classmate of Jed and Holland.
The Bishop- Jed's former Bishop

Part 1



Jed Harbor, pictured above on the left, is sitting in his office working on advertising for his store, Harbor Books And Etc., located in Sugarhouse, UT, when his employee, Liz, yells at him from the front of the store.
Liz- Jed.
Jed Harbor- Yes?
Liz- There's a man here to see you. He says his name is Matt Bowen.
Jed Harbor- I don't recognize that name.
Liz- He says that he was your class historian the year you graduated from High School.
Jed Harbor- Okay. That may or may not be true, but I still don't know who that guy is.
Liz- What should I tell him?
Jed Harbor- Tell him I'm not here.

What Jed doesn't realize, or doesn't care about, is that his office door is open and Matt Bowen, pictured above on the right, is standing in a place where he can see and hear Jed talk to Liz.

Liz- Jed, he can see you.

Jed looks up and sees that the man who came to see him can see him.

Jed Harbor- Oh. Tell him I'm not here anyway.
Liz- I'll send him in.
Jed Harbor- What?

Matt Bowen enters Jed Harbor's office and extends him hand to him.

Matt Bowen- Hello Jed. It's great to see you again.

Jed looks at Matt's hand as if he's just extended a fish toward him.

Jed Harbor- Great. Now, who are you again?
Matt Bowen- I'm Matt Bowen.
Jed Harbor- That doesn't help me.
Matt Bowen- I graduated from the same class as you. I was the class historian.
Jed Harbor- That doesn't help me.
Matt Bowen- I took Advanced Physics with you. You helped me with my final project.
Jed Harbor- Are you going to say something that will help me remember who the fuck you are?
Matt Bowen- Would you mind not swearing in front of me, you friggin' scruffy hippy.
Jed Harbor- Oh, now I remember you. You were the only person who called me a hippy that is not somewhere between old and fucking old.
Matt Bowen- Yes.
Jed Harbor- Good. Now, get the fuck out of my office.
Matt Bowen- No, I need to talk to you about something.

Jed Harbor starts moving his computer mouse around.

Matt Bowen- Our ten year High School reunion is coming up, next Saturday in fact.

Jed Harbor clicks on something with his mouse.

Matt Bowen- And I was wonder if you would-



Just then, Jed's computer starts playing an abrasive East German Orchestral Death Metal song. Matt begins to try to talk over the music.

Matt Bowen- Would you mind-

Jed makes no effort to speak over the music.

Jed Harbor- What?
Matt Bowen- Would you turn that-
Jed Harbor- Up? Okay.

Jed turns his loud, abrasive, East German orchestral death metal music up louder. Matt tries to block his ears, which prompts Jed to turn the loud, abrasive, German orchestral death metal up even louder. After a couple of moments of the loud music being loud, Liz comes into Jed's office. She reaches toward the wall, pulls out the surge protector providing energy for Jed's computer, shows it to him, drops it, then leaves. Matt turns to Liz and says-

Matt Bowen- Thank you.
Jed Harbor- I really need to get a battery power supply for this thing.
Matt Bowen- Now, as I was saying-
Jed Harbor- You're still here?
Matt Bowen- Yes. I wanted to know, if you were-
Jed Harbor- If I was single? Yes, but not interested.
Matt Bowen- No. I wanted to know-
Jed Harbor- The meaning of life? It's a movie from the Monty Python crew that, while not as good as Holy Grail or Life of Brian, still is quite good.
Matt Bowen- No. Are you-
Jed Harbor- High?
Matt Bowen- -going to-
Jed Harbor- Hell?
Matt Bowen- -our high school reunion?

Jed is struck by this question. Matt perceived this as a positive.

Matt Bowen- Are you thinking it over?

Jed doesn't respond.

Matt Bowen- Is that a maybe?

Jed doesn't respond.

Matt Bowen- Is that a yes.

Jed Harbor finally responds.

Jed Harbor- Mark-
Matt Bowen- Matt.
Jed Harbor- Okay, Mark, my silence was not me thinking over whether I wanted to go to my high school reunion or not. My silence was me trying to come up with a new and inventive way of saying "Fuck No" to you. The best I can come up with is "Sexual Intercourse Negatory".

Matt takes this news negatively.

Matt Bowen- Ugh. Okay. Well, if you change your mind, here's an invitation.

Matt takes out an invitation and places it on Jed's desk.

Matt Bowen- If you change your mind-
Jed Harbor- Which I doubt.
Matt Bowen- -I'd love to see you there.
Jed Harbor- Which you wont.

Matt leaves Jed's office and makes his way out of Harbor Books And Etc.. Jed pulls out his Droid X and starts fiddling around with it. He pulls up the Facebook App, searches around for a while, and finds the Facebook page for the Hunter High School Class of 2001 Ten Year High School Reunion Page, which is the high school reunion Matt Bowen just talked to him about. Jed looks around the page for a bit, specifically at who is already said that they will attend the reunion.

Jed Harbor- Hmmm. Anthony's going, Devin's going, Cambra's going, Jeremy's going,-

Then Jed stops when he sees one of the names of the people who are going.

Jed Harbor- Holland? Holland Wheatear?

Jed clicks on his name and his Facebook page pops up.

Jed Harbor- Yeah, that's him, Holland. Hmmm.

Jed backs out to the reunion Facebook page. He then clicks on the RSVP button and confirms that he will be attending the reunion.

Jed Harbor- You know, it might be nice to see Holland again. I'd have to spend the night avoiding Matt, either that or come up with another way to say "Fuck No", but it might just be worth it.


END PART 1

Friends: The Best Eviscerators

} When I Heard at the Close of the Day

By Walt Whitman

When I heard at the close of the day how my name had been receiv'd

with plaudits in the capitol, still it was not a happy night for

me that follow'd,

And else when I carous'd, or when my plans were accomplish'd, still

I was not happy,

But the day when I rose at dawn from the bed of perfect health,

refresh'd, singing, inhaling the ripe breath of autumn,

When I saw the full moon in the west grow pale and disappear in the

morning light,

When I wander'd alone over the beach, and undressing bathed,

laughing with the cool waters, and saw the sun rise,

And when I thought how my dear friend my lover was on his way

coming, O then I was happy,

O then each breath tasted sweeter, and all that day my food

nourish'd me more, and the beautiful day pass'd well,

And the next came with equal joy, and with the next at evening came

my friend,

And that night while all was still I heard the waters roll slowly

continually up the shores,

I heard the hissing rustle of the liquid and sands as directed to me

whispering to congratulate me,

For the one I love most lay sleeping by me under the same cover in

the cool night,

In the stillness in the autumn moonbeams his face was inclined toward me,

And his arm lay lightly around my breast--and that night I was happy.

Friends: The Best Eviscerators



Hunter Red, pictured above, is sitting in his office looking at his computer. He's reading the comments are being made online to The Reunion, a series of blog posts that he just posted. Hunter is reading these comments to himself. No one knows why.

Hunter Red- "OMG. This is so funny." "This is so true and factual and real and, like, stuff." "First." "I have a reunion coming up. Maybe I should buy a kilt." "Non-Counterfeit Nike Products, CLICK HERE!!!" "Holland sounds so yummy! I just want to eat him up." "Jed is such a tragic character. Kudos to you for creating him." "Four Stars" "I just tweeted about this. AWESOME!"



Hunter Red sighs out of frustration and stares up at the ceiling of his office. When he does this, a sound is heard on Hunter's computer screen. It is a notification from Skype. Someone named "54r4|-|", pictured above, wants to talk to him. Hunter clicks on the notification to start the conversation.



54r4|-|: Hello Hunter.
Hunter Red: Hello.

Hunter's frustration is evident in his voice.

54r4|-|: What's wrong?
Hunter Red: I'm reading the comments to my latest blog post.
54r4|-|: Spammers?
Hunter Red: No. Well, not as much as normal, but that's not the problem.
54r4|-|: Flame war?
Hunter Red: No. If there was a flame war going on, I'd be having fun dicking around with these nerds.
54r4|-|: What is it then?

Hunter looks back down at his desk then looks at his computer screen.

Hunter Red: I don't know. I mean I like praise, I practically feed off it, but this just seems kind of hollow somehow.
54r4|-|: I have no idea what you mean.

Hunter groans, ends the Skype call, then gets up from his desk. Hunter Red is clearly frustrated. Hunter pulls out his phone, sends out a text, then leaves his office. Hunter goes down to Caloric, a small open air diner down the street from Hunter's office. Hunter is seated, orders a Heineken and a club sandwich. Hunter gets his beer and begins drinking it while he waits for his food. After finishing one beer, Hunter starts looking around at the nice scenery around the diner while he waits for another. He notices the breeze flowing through the trees, the leaves falling slowly toward Earth, and people outside enjoying the day. Then Hunter sees someone he recognizes.



Paul Jewetti, pictured above, an old, trusted friend of his. Hunter sees Paul and calls to him. Paul responds positively, goes over to the table Hunter's sitting at and takes a seat.

Paul Jewetti: Hey Hunter. Thanks for giving me a reason to get out of work.
Hunter Red: Does work suck?
Paul Jewetti: Is work ever good?
Hunter Red: Mine is, but I don't have to deal with people.
Paul Jewetti: Indeed. So, how are things?
Hunter Red: Things are good. You?
Paul Jewetti: Just splendid. Somebody got sick in the office, right on my desk. Just splendid.

The two continue talking and catching up like two old friends do. Then Hunter gets serious for a second.

Hunter Red: So, I wrote something a while back that I put up on my blog.
Paul Jewetti: The Reunion?
Hunter Red: Yes.
Paul Jewetti: I read it.
Hunter Red: You read all of it.
Paul Jewetti: Yes, all five parts of it. How much work did you put into it?
Hunter Red: I don't consider writing work.
Paul Jewetti: Oh, that's right.
Hunter Red: So, what did you think of it?

Paul hesitates for a moment. Hunter notices this hesitation.

Hunter Red: What?

More hesitation.

Hunter Red: Did you think it was good?

More hesitation.

Hunter Red: Did you think it was bad?

Paul's face starts to turn sour.

Hunter Red: Well, tell me.

Paul takes a deep breath, then begins.

Paul Jewetti: First of all, Jed Harbor, the main character of The Reunion, is that you?
Hunter Red: What do you mean?
Paul Jewetti: Come on.
Hunter Red: Is it that obvious?
Paul Jewetti: Hunter, every character you write is a version of yourself. That, or an amplified version of someone who tormented you in school.
Hunter Red: Okay.
Paul Jewetti: Also, Holland Wheatear, what kind of a name is that?
Hunter Red: What do you-
Paul Jewetti: Don't ask me that again. Where did you pull that name "Wheatear" out of. Also, HOLLAND IS NOT A MAN'S NAME.
Hunter Red: Holland is the name of the man who sold me my cell phone. Wheatear is a kind of bird, just like how Hato, from Volume 11, is dove in Japanese, and Sparrow, from Exhibition At Alexandria, is a fucking sparrow.
Paul Jewetti: Oh, but still, the name is very weird.
Hunter Red: I named a guy "Harbor". How is that not weird?
Paul Jewetti: I'm asking the questions here. Third, are the people in The Reunion supposed to be gay or just nerds?
Hunter Red: You mean Jed and Holland?
Paul Jewetti: Yes, because I certainly don't mean Cambra and Husbandguy. By the way, Husbandguy? Really?
Hunter Red: What? It was funny.
Paul Jewetti: Yes, it was funny, but you can't make the name of your character a joke.
Hunter Red: He's a minor character, his name isn't really essential, and why not?
Paul Jewetti: We're getting away from the point. Jed and Holland, gay or nerds?

Hunter thinks for a moment.

Hunter Red: They are nerds who happen to be gay. Besides, I'm trying to portray characters as they actually are, let people actually be, one of the things that Judith Butler tries to get people to do.
Paul Jewetti: Don't drop names like you actually know what the fuck they are talking about.

Hunter is visibly jarred by this criticism.

Hunter Red: Okay. Anyway, the point of The Reunion isn't that these charters are gay, it's that these characters are trying to reconnect. One just does it on a level the other wasn't expecting.

Paul has this disbelieving look on his face.

Paul Jewetti: Bullshit. I think you are just venting about things that are going on, or have gone on, in your life. You probably have a class reunion coming up, right?
Hunter Red: Yep.
Paul Jewetti: That you are anxious about going to, right?
Hunter Red: I'm not going to my high school reunion. I'm going to Vegas that weekend.
Paul Jewetti: But I bet you could go to your high school reunion if you gave a damn, right?
Hunter Red: Right.
Paul Jewetti: And that part where you have that chat with The Bishop about your romantic life, that actually happened, right?
Hunter Red: Not exactly in that way.
Paul Jewetti: But I bet it happened in some sort of way like that. Not only that, you are probably thinking about expanding that one, little section of The Reunion into another whole series of bits that you plan to put up the next time you go off to Vegas, right?
Hunter Red: I have a trip planned out next year to see Conan in LA. What you described is what I was planning on doing.
Paul Jewetti: I knew it! You are so damn predictable, Hunter. So god damn predictable.

Paul gets up and leaves. Hunter, with this mournful look in his eyes, watches him as he walks down the street untill he is out of sight. The waitress at Caloric brings Hunter another beer and his order. As Hunter starts to drink his second beer, he says to himself-

Hunter Red: Paul didn't even touch upon Jed seeking a romantic relationship with his old friend from high school, and the obvious connection between Holland and himself.

THE END

Rumor Mongering Trolls From French Guiana

Are subterranean trolls responsible for the near collapse of the American banking system? More on this story after this.



Rumor Mongering



Recently, a number of outlandish rumors have been circulating about the PS4. These rumors range from release dates, control schemes, manufacturers, and possible specifications. However, a rumor floated on a recent episode of Orange Lounge Radio may be the most outlandish.



On the 419th episode of Orange Lounge Radio, a tweet from a high level media figure was read. This tweet stated that the Playstation 4 will incorporate "Body Movin' the hit song by the Beastie Boys." Further research on this rumor finds that this is entirely fake, and may be a misdirection done by a Sony employee to fool the public. That, or, it was the work of some jackass on the internet. Either way, the Beastie Boys/PS4 rumor has been found to be false. The rumor about the PS4 being a combination video game console/panini machine are still being researched.





Are subterranean trolls responsible for the near collapse of the American banking system?

No.



Experimentation



I'm going to be trying something this week. I will be experimenting with putting my blog post on Google+. I want to try this because there appears to be no limit on the amount of characters you can put into a Google+ update. There won't be any pictures or links, unless I learn how to do that, and if I don't like the way it looks it may be a one off. Again, I have a Google+ account. Jealous?





Are we at risk from a takeover by the country of French Guiana? More after this.







Are we at risk from a takeover by the country of French Guiana?
No.

Spaghetti With Thomas Sauce

Spaghetti With Sellout Sauce

Hello, I am Hunter Red. Many years ago, my mother taught me how to make a fine plate of spaghetti with meat sauce. Several years after that, my father taught me how to make the same meal but take a hell of a lot longer to do so. It is from studious learning of both of these cooking styles that I have crafted my own recipe for making spaghetti with meat sauce. I will now share that recipe with you.

First, you will need meat. I prefer a ground turkey/hamburger mixture from the fine people at Paolantonio Farms. Paolantonio Farms, when you need a good meal for your family, you can't go wrong with something from Paolantonio Farms. Paolantonio Farms, meat.

You should brown the meat in a medium size sauce pan. For this demonstration, I'll be using one of the fine saucepans that you can find at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Bed, Bath, and Beyond, if you need something for your kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, family room, or something you saw on TV, you can't go wrong with Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Bed, Bath, and Beyond, stuff.

You should brown your meat in the saucepan over medium heat. To heat the pan, I will be using propane I purchased from TrueValue. TrueValue, you've tried false value, now try the truth. TrueValue, tools.

After the meat is cooked thoroughly, you should add tomato sauce. I use Hunt's brand Tomato sauce. Hunt's brand Tomato sauce, it's red because that the colour tomatoes are. Hunt's brand Tomato sauce, sauce.

As you stir in the can of tomato sauce, you can add, if you wish, a small can of diced mushrooms. I would recommend Hope brand diced mushrooms. Hope brand diced mushrooms, when you want mushrooms that don't get you high, choose Hope. Hope brand diced mushrooms, cans.

Before you add in the can of tomato sauce and the small can of mushrooms, you need to open both of those cans, preferably using a can opener. The only brand of can opener that has ever been in my kitchen is a Black & Decker brand electric can opener. Black & Decker, when you want quality home appliances and to ask "What is Decker", choose Black & Decker. Black & Decker, appliances.

In order to use my electric can opener, I need electricity to power it. Today, I will be using Huey Lewis brand electricity. Huey Lewis, you've heard of their power of love, now try their power of electricity. Huey Lewis, Sports.

After you've cooked your meat and added in the tomato sauce and diced mushrooms, you should let that simmer on low heat, but not too low as so the sauce cools down. Now that the sauce is complete, now is the time to prepare the water for the cooking of the noodles. There are many kinds of water that you can use for boiling water, but when I'm preparing something special, I use Aquafina. Aquafina, nothing is fina' than when it's Aquafina. Aquafina, water.


Put about four quarts of water in a large pot and place the pot on your stove. For this demonstration, I will be using an Amana brand stove. Amana, it's like Amanda but not. Amana, stoves.

Many people add salt to their water when they are boiling it so that it'll boil faster. I don't because I feel the salt affects the taste of the noodles. However, if I did use salt, I would use Morton brand salt. Morton, when you want salt and a small picture of a woman with a umbrella that you don't have to explain to your wife, use Morton. Morton, salt.

Once the water is up to a full boil, add in the noodles and stir them untill they are soft. No brand of noodles makes me feel better about myself than Manning brand spaghetti noodles. Manning brand, won't you help a pornstar stay off the pipe? Manning brand, noodles.

Once the noodles are fully cooked, the sauce should be ready. Drain and rise the noodles in a colander, then place the noodles on a plate. Afterward, place as much meat sauce as you think you can eat on the noodles, and then enjoy your meal at your dinner table. When choosing a dinner table for my home, I made the safe and frugal choice of buying Team 3D Tables. Team 3D, these are tables we didn't choose to drive people through, because we thought people would buy them. Team 3D, hardcore.

Well, there is my recipe for spaghetti with meat sauce. I hope all of you enjoy it with your family, or at least enjoy it with your Real Doll. By the way, promotional consideration for this recipe was provided by the following:




Lunch With Thomas

This week, I interviewed Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. Before I conducted the interview, I took Justice Thomas out to lunch at Televisionia. What happened at this lunch was more interesting than anything that came out of the subsequent interview. Here it is.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Justice Thomas, a pleasure to talk to you sir.
Clarence Thomas- Yes. I hope that this meal isn't too filling, my wife has been on me about me figure.
Julia Diana Bobbi- How is Ginny, by the way.
Clarence Thomas- She is well. She's currently working with her political organization, organizing efforts for the upcoming elections.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, I'd love to talk to her about what it's like to be a woman of influence in politics.
Clarence Thomas- I'm sure she'd enjoy that.

This is when we received our menus.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Huh. You know, I've never actually eaten here before. One of my co-workers just raves about this place, but I think that's because they deliver to the office and employ attractive brunette women to do so.
Clarence Thomas- I hear that.
Julia Diana Bobbi- What do you think looks good?

Justice Thomas took a moment to think over this question.

Clarence Thomas- Well, when searching for an interpretation for documents of any sort, you must first think of the intent of the person who wrote the document.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Excuse me?
Clarence Thomas- Intent, the intent of the writer of the document at the time that the document was written. What was the writer's approach, viewpoints, and mindset at the time of the writing.
Julia Diana Bobbi- How is that relevant to the reading of a menu?
Clarence Thomas- It is of paramount importance to any document, from the Constitution of the United States, to the menu for this restaurant here.
Julia Diana Bobbi- That's certainly an odd approach to things.
Clarence Thomas- Most people think that way, but any true scholar of any decent credibility must factor the intent of the writer into the analysis of any document.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Even a restaurant menu?
Clarence Thomas- Even a restaurant menu.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, I wonder how I can get an answer to that question.
Clarence Thomas- Perhaps this fine maiden can assist us.

Justice Thomas is referring to the waitress that had just arrived at the table.

Waitress- Hi, are you two ready to order?
Clarence Thomas- Just a moment, young girl, I have a question for you.
Waitress- Yes?
Clarence Thomas- Who wrote this menu?
Waitress- The menu that you're holding.
Clarence Thomas- Yes, this menu.
Waitress- I did.
Clarence Thomas- You wrote this menu?
Waitress- Yes. Are you ready to order?
Clarence Thomas- Just a moment, young dear, can I ask you why you wrote this menu?
Waitress- Why I wrote this menu?
Clarence Thomas- Yes.
Waitress- My boss ordered me to.
Clarence Thomas- For what purpose?
Waitress (To Julia)- Is this guy for real?
Julia Diana Bobbi- He's a Supreme Court Justice. So yes, he is for real.
Waitress- Oh. Well, I suppose a menu lets the customers know what meals are available for customers to order.
Clarence Thomas- And what was in your mind as you wrote this menu?
Waitress- I think I was thinking that I need to finish this up before South Park starts.
Clarence Thomas- Now, what is South Park?
Waitress- Are you two going to order, or what?

The dinner went forward in a normal fashion after that. I got a Minestrone soup, while Justice Thomas got a Denver Omelet, for a reason that makes no sense to me. The interview followed shortly after that lunch, the printing of which will probably come once what Justice Thomas said in that interview becomes relevant to humans.


THE END

Dad's Phallic Deterrent And Book Recommendations

For a while now I've been thinking of doing a blog post about the best graphic novels I've ever read. This is that blog post. Also included in this post, some fucked up comedy from The Whitest Kids U'Know. Enjoy!








Footnotes In Gaza is a 2009 release by Joe Sacco. There are very few histories of the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians that I've come across that are as in depth as this book is. Rarer is one told from the Palestinian's perspective. Joe Sacco takes interviews, government reports, vocal histories, and first hand account, and crafts a tale that truly changed my way of thinking about this conflict. The events that are detailed in this book are shocking. Not just that it happened, but also that the Israelis could do this to other people.
Link to Amazon








Blankets is a 2003 release by Craig Thompson. Blankets is one of those rare things that I like. It's not that it's a coming of age tale, nor that it's a love story peppered with occasional sex. Blankets is a graphic novel with a lot of religious aspects to it, and I still like it. Usually when I encounter religion in literature, I usually shy away because it either bashes religion or tries to convert me. Blankets does not do that. Blankets deals with religion as most people do. Religion is a part of the protagonist's life, and because of that it affects the way he approaches a burgeoning relationship. Blankets is sweet, romantic, funny, and touching in a deep way.
Link to Amazon








Logicomix: An Epic Search is a 2009 release Apostolos Doxiadis and Christos Papadimitriou. Character design and artwork are by Alecos Papadatos and color is by Annie Di Donna. Logicomix is a biography of the theoretical mathematician Bertram Russell. Wait! Don't go yet! This is actually interesting, which I know is shocking given the high amount of math contained in this book. Russell approaches math the same way that philosophers like Derrida, and Butler approach language. Russell attacks the very foundations of math in a way that is driven purely by logic. Russell even attacks the very elemental and basic concept of 1+1=2. Is it this approach to logic that causes Russell to give a speech about his views about World War I, which has allusions to the Iraq War.
Link to Amazon