The Redertainment Diet!

Like many Americans, the employees of The Redertainment Corporation Of America struggle to maintain a healthy weight.  Our employees have tried many different solutions to this problem, all of them unsuccessful.  In recent month, however, we at The Redertainment Corporation Of America have finally found a solution.  This is a solution that is a godsend to many of our employees, particularly the fat ones.  Now we wish to share this solution with you.  The Redertainment Corporation Of America is proud to present The Redertainment Diet.

Many diets out there have restrictions on what you can and cannot eat.  It is this part of dieting that most people have a problem with.  With The Redertainment Diet you don't have to struggle with this.  With The Redertainment Diet, all your dietary choices are made for you in a way that surprisingly simple.  With The Redertainment Diet you eat nothing.  That's right, NOTHING.

Now, you may be asking "How can I explain why I am eating nothing?"  It's simple: Take up a political cause that is either impossible or has no chance of succeeding.  It's that simple.  When people ask you why you aren't eating, simply say "I am going on a hunger strike untill ______."  After giving that answer to people, no one will ever ask you again why you aren't eating.

Now, you may be asking "Does this really work?"  Yes, The Redertainment Diet does work.  Just ask these satisfied people.

"I'm Trestin Meacham, and I've lost twenty-five pounds while hunger striking for the nullification of gay marriage in Utah."

"I'm Eric Small, and I've lost fifteen pounds while hunger striking for the nationwide legalization of marijuana."

"I'm Mari Monzo, and I've lost thirty pounds while hunger striking for the Washington Redskins to change their name."

"I'm Jamie Kane, and I've lost fifty pounds hunger striking for President Obama to come out as a secretly gay married Kenyan socialist."

Don't you want to experience stunning results like this in your life?  The Redertainment Diet.  Try it today!

T.P.C.E.O.A.D.O.T.R.C.O.A.

A Letter From Rodger Red

Good evening.  Good evening to all who have followed the messages put out by the Redertainment Corporation Of America.  It has been some time since I have crafted a message to be disseminated by this corporation, but I have been busy dealing with other issues.

Last year, an issue came up that was of paramount importance to me.  The future of the Redertainment Corporation Of America was in peril, and a steady political mind was needed to ensure it's future.  For this reason, I worked on the campaign of Willard Mitt Romney.  Unfortunately, that campaign did not go as I expected it to.  God did not see it necessary to put the correct man in the place where he could do the most good for his chosen land.  As a result, the Redertainment Corporation Of America is still in peril.

This longtime period of peril has put a lot of strain on the employees of the Redertainment Corporation Of America.  Some employees have reacted to this stress well.  I am especially proud of the fine work put out by Julia Diana Bobbi.  I am ashamed by the unproductive work of my alcoholic grandson, Hunter Red.  Seriously, does that guy no nothing about producing product that makes money?

It was my plan to, with the ascension of Willard Mitt Romney, to bring the Redertainment Corporation Of America in full force.  However, since the ascension was thwarted by the moocher class, those plans have now had to change.  As a result of those changes, I have chosen a new man to be in charge of the Redertainment Corporation Of America.  That man is Gregory F. Rayburn.  I have faith that Gregory will lead the Redertainment Corporation Of America to newer heights never before seen to envisioned.

Finally, as a parting message, I leave you with the great words of a great man:

"We think that a powerful and vigorous movement is impossible without differences — "true conformity" is possible only in the cemetery."

Goodnight, and God Bless

Rodger Red

November 15, 2012

A Letter From Hunter Red

The letter that appeared above was delivered to The Official Offices of The Redertainment Corporation Of America on Thursday, November 15th.  After a year of never showing up in the offices, Rodger Red announced that he was stepping down as President of The Redertainment Corporation Of America, and allowing Gregory F. Rayburn to take his place as President.  However, that move was quickly stopped.

There are two reasons who this move was stopped.  One: Gregory F. Rayburn already had a job.  Gregory F. Rayburn stopped having that job the following day, but, still, he had a job.  Two: Corporations do not work in the way that Rodger Red think that they do.  You cannot just give somebody the job of President of a corporation.  Instead, the board of directors must vote on a President, and the board of directors at The Redertainment Corporation Of America did not vote Gregory F. Rayburn to be the new President.  In fact, they never even took a vote on whether Gregory F. Rayburn would be President.  Instead, The Official Board Of Directors of The Redertainment Corporation Of America voted another man to be The President, C.E.O., And Demigod Of The Redertainment Corporation Of America.

Me.  I, Hunter Fucking Red, am now The President, C.E.O., And Demigod Of The Redertainment Corporation Of America.  All hail me.

Spotlight On The Sale Of Occupy Valve

Are You Just Making Up Stuff?

At a TechNW panel, Gabe Newell has explained the string of pricing experiments that resulted in the recognition of something Mr. Newell calls "time-shifting revenue". Newell explained that these experiments were conducted by Steam first lowering prices on certain games without telling people about it. Then, Steam lowered prices on certain games, told people about it, then saw better results. In summation, Steam lowered prices without telling people about it, then lowered prices while telling people about it, and claim that the resulting increased results is due to "time-shifting revenue".

I beg to differ. What Gabe Newell just demonstrated is the power of advertising. If you don't tell people that a price is lower, a low amount of people are going to know the price is lower, thereby stunting how many people will take advantage of the lower price. However, if you lower prices then tell people about it, more people are going to know about it, enabling more people to take advantage of the lower price. The difference in the two situations is that YOU TOLD PEOPLE ABOUT IT. YOU ENGAGED IN ADVERTISING!!!

As Judge Judith Sheindlin says, "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining." Valve, don't make up impressive sounding terms to try to make yourself sound better than you actually are. Doing so just insults the public that you are trying to sell games to, and people do not like being insulted. Also, get to work on Half-Life 3. If I release Project Journal before a real teaser trailer for Half-Life 3 is released, I call on gamers to #OccupyValve.



The Redertainment Corporation Of America Employee Spotlight: Liz

Job Title:
General Executive Secretary for The Redertainment Corporation Of America

What was your favorite TV show as a child?

The Monkees

Have you ever met a famous person? Who?

I met Bono in Ireland before he was famous. At least I think it was Bono. At the very least, I met an pompous Irish asshole in a pub while I was on vacation.

If you were alone on a island with one CD, who's would it be?

The audio version of How To Craft A Boat To Get Yourself Off A Desert Island.

Where do you wish to retire?

Somewhere where I could be with my grandkids.

What is your favorite novel or author?

I tend to read a lot of romance novels. I base my purchase on the hunkiness of the guy on the cover and not person who wrote it.

If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

Where my grandkids are right now.

What would you do with a million dollars?

Retire and spend my days sleeping and playing with my grandchildren and sleeping.

Please add one fun fact about yourself.

I have a tattoo that only my husband has seen.



SALE SALE SALE SALE!!!

In recognition of the birth of television icon Kelly Osbourne, we here at The Redertainment Corporation Of America are proud to announce our Forty-sixth Annual Time-shifting Revenue Sale! Yes, come celebrate the birthday of fashion opinionist and rumored lap-band surgery recipient Kelly Osbourne and take advantage of deals on all the products offered for sale by The Redertainment Corporation Of America.

Were you contemplating buying Hunter Red's The Black Robin Christmas Carol on Kindle, but were too much of a cheapskate to buy it when it was only $3? Well, now you can stop being such a damn cheapskate, because The Black Robin Christmas Carole on Kindle is now only $1. That's right, one dollar, in the only currency that matters, American currency.

In fact, all of Hunter Red's book currently available on Kindle, and the way lesser known and highly irrelevant Nook, have been reduced to $1. You can get The Hawk, The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust, and The Black Robin Christmas Carol now for only a dollar a piece. That's 66% off the previous price!

Now, what if you are an old fart that insists on sticking to physical media. Well, fear not you old, old, old, OLD person. You too can get in on the savings!

The physical versions of Hunter Red's works currently up for sale on Amazon.com have been reduced from $7 to only $5.40. That just over 22% off the already low prices!

So buy all of the products currently available from The Redertainment Corporation Of America during our Forty-sixth Annual Time-shifting Revenue Sale. These deals won't last long, unless Mr. Red doesn't bother to raise the prices back to the previous level. And remember, if you don't take advantage of these deals, Kelly Osbourne will hate you.

Spotlight On The Fact That I'm Awesome

Kids, Google Andy Rooney

On October 2, 2011, commentator Andy Rooney delivered his final commentary at the end of 60 Minutes, capping a thirty-three career in television. In his final commentary, Mr. Rooney stated that he does not plan to retire, for writers never really retire. Instead, Mr. Rooney will continue to write commentaries on everyday life. What follows is the first commentary Mr. Rooney wrote in his post-60 Minutes career.

Over the past couple of months, in preparation for my exit from 60 Minutes, I've been thinking over my career and the many things I have done. A certain sense of awe sets in when I think of all the people, in all the parts of the word, that have heard my words. Not many writers can claim to have had such influence over people for such a long period of time. Whether they agree or disagree with me, they at least heard me, and they heard me for a long time.

If I allow myself to set aside any sense of humility, when I think of the broad scope of my career, I can only come to one conclusion. I, Andy Rooney, am awesome. I am one of the most awesome writers living today. I'm pretty sure that, even if I never write another word again, my intense awesomeness is something not many people can top.

I'm certainly more awesome than most of the young writers of today. Most of those writers are too concerned with commercial success or the "artistic pursuit" to even come close to my grand awesomeness. Many of the young writers are too concerned with peppering their work with swear words to be concerned with being awesome, like I clearly am. I worked for years without swearing, making my awesomeness even larger. There are writers out there who's work is awash in swearing and explicit content. One such author that stick out in my mind is Nicholson Baker, prick.

As I age, some would argue that my awesomeness has diminished, but I don't feel that to be so. The fact is that my awesomeness is just as large and prevalent as it has ever been, and will continue to be so. However, with my departure from 60 Minutes, my awesomeness is transitioning to another form. Perhaps my awesomeness will become even larger as a gain a presence online. That is, if I ever figure out how to turn my computer on.



The Redertainment Corporation Of America Employee Spotlight: Julia Diana Bobbi

Job Title:
Host/Interviewer for The Redertainment Corporation Of America

What was your favorite TV show as a child?

Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers and Winnie the Pooh

Have you ever met a famous person? Who?

I met President Thomas S. Monson once. He was nice.

If you were alone on a island with one CD, who's would it be?

The Sounds. I just love all their stuff. It's bouncy and happy and filled with fun!

Where do you wish to retire?

The only plans I have for retirement is to serve a mission with my future husband.

What is your favorite novel or author?

Chris Heimerdinger. Either him or Nephi.

If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

The Temple. I can see it from my office everyday and want desperately to stroll around inside it.

What would you do with a million dollars?

I'd launch my own Mormon themed podcast. Sure there are a ton of those out there, but there's always room for more.

Please add one fun fact about yourself.

I have read the Book Of Mormon once a year, every year, since I was nine.

****- SEC, R.C.O.A., XBLA, And Other Useless Acronyms

Isn’t Florida In The SEC?

Recently stories surfaces that claimed a merger was in the works between Microsoft and Electronic Arts. These stories led to an increase in the stock prices of both companies. Questions quickly arose about the validity of this story, the source behind it, and the motives therein. After some legal and illegal investigations done by the reporters at the Redertainment Corporation Of America, we have found the answer to those questions.

This is Gary Quagmire, known online as StraightedgerAFC. Gary is a video game fanatic. Gary doesn’t choose to express his fandom by purchasing every console under the sun. Nor does he have a delicately cataloged and preserved collection of every video game ever released. Mr. Quagmire collects stock. Gary Quagmire owns stock in every publicly traded video game company on Earth. From Square Enix to Take Two to Disney to Nintendo, everyone that is big, small, valuable, worthless, even bankrupt has Gary Quagmire as a shareholder. Upon hacking into his Etrade account, we learned that 57% of Gary Quagmire’s value in stock is wrapped up in Microsoft and Electronic Arts.

Gary Quagmire also maintains a blog entitled “THA STRAIGHTEDGERAFC ZONE!!1!!”. Mr. Quagmire’s blog posts have mostly been unremarkable. Long rambling rants about cheese, a request for help in finding his shoes, and short posts about how bored he is are the most significant things he posted about. That is until recently when Gary posted a blog entitles “EA/Microsoft Merger Inside Info”. In this post Gary quotes several industry insiders and several game industry executives about recent talks between Microsoft and Electronic Arts. It would appear as if this is the story that spurned the recent stories that were picked up by every gaming news site under the sun.

After talking with the persons sited in Mr. Quagmire’s story, it appears as if the story is entirely false. Peter Moore was quotes as saying, “Are you fucking shitting me?” So why did Gary post this story? Is Gary Quagmire just another jackass on the internet? No.

Gary’s recent Etrade activity includes the selling of some of his shares in Microsoft and Electronic Arts. This activity took place after the stock prices of both companies went up in response to the merger stories, stories he created. Fomenting stock prices in this manner is a very serious white-collar crime, one which Gary Quagmire appears to be guilty of.

We contacted the Securities and Exchange Commission about this possible crime. The only response we got was, “We will look into this right after we figure out why everyone is so hot and bothered about Bernard Madoff.” It is unknown what Gary Quagmire did with the profits from his recent stock market transactions. Although the most recent update on his Twitter feed was, “HOOK3R5 4|\|D B1O\/\/ FTW!”



R.C.O.A.: Insurrection In Your House!

Hunter Red walks into the offices of the Redertainment Corporation Of America. Immediately he sees a trail of muddy bootprints leading from the entrance to Seifer Kinneas’s office. Hunter walks over to Seifer’s office, pokes his head in and says-
Hunter- Seifer?
Seifer- Yes Hunter, what can I help you with?
H- I noticed the muddy footprints and-
S- Yes, I did some gardening this weekend and got my work boots muddied up pretty good.
H- Yes, well I’m sure the people who work for you would really appreciate you not tracking mud through the office.
Seifer stands up from his chair and bellows-
S- Are you criticizing me?
H- No, I’m just-
S- You are criticizing me! Insurrection! Insurrection! Insurrection!
Hunter, being thoroughly annoyed with Seifer’s antics, walks over to his office. Seifer continues to bellow “Insurrection!” the whole time. Hunter closes the door to his office, sits at his desk, pulls out a bottle of bourbon and a glass from his desk, and pours himself a glass. As Hunter goes to drink the bourbon, he turns and sees someone in a dark corner in his office. It’s a person dressed like V from V For Vendetta.
V- Hello Hunter. Is the time for revolution at hand?
H- Robin, I don’t know how you did that voice just now, but I’m really not up for role playing right now.
The person dressed as V takes off the mask and reveals that it is in fact Robin Anderson.
Robin- Why not? Does this getup not do it for you?
H- It’s not that. Seifer’s being a general dick and I’m just not up for dealing with him right now.
R- So what am I supposed to do now?
H- Take the cape off and go to work.
R- I can’t really do that.
H- Why, are you naked under there?
R- No.
Robin opens her cape and reveals-
R- I’m wearing sexy lingerie.
H- Sorry.
Robin sullenly walks out of Hunter’s office. As Robin is walking across the R.C.O.A. office Seifer says-
S- Hey Robin, what are ya, trying to redefine the office dress code?
Hunter looks at his bottle of bourbon and says-
H- Let’s see how effective a bottle of bourbon is as a blunt object.
Hunter grabs the bottle of bourbon by the neck, stands up, and storms over to Seifer’s office.
END SCENE



To The Douchebag With The Bad Hair…

I was taking the train into town, listening to the automated announcements, when I thought, “What would be the gaming equivalent of these announcements?” The following is what I came up with.

Just a reminder to all players on mic, your opponent does not want detailed information about their mother’s sex life.

Please note that in a normal civilized society it is not acceptable to use words of curse at a high rate of frequency.

To the guy in the upper right hand quadrant of the screen: I am aware of what a real mushroom looks like and what you are exhibiting is not it.

To the person currently on mic: Yes, Metallica does in fact rock. However, you do not need to prove that Metallica rocks by screaming lyrics to their songs at maximum volume.

Please note that the fact that I utterly dominate in an online environment is not a reason to question my sexual orientation.

To the person currently on mic: Persons who actually have entered into a romantic relationship with a person of the opposite gender do not need to proclaim such while playing Halo.

To the person in the upper left quadrant of the screen: I don’t know what exactly you are doing with your hands, but I’m reporting you.

To the person currently on mic: I won. Therefore I do not suck.

Just a reminder to all players: If you plan to play video games while nude, as a courtesy to your fellow players, please turn your vision camera off. Thank you.

Despite persistent internet rumors to the contrary, I will give you up, I will let you down, I will run around, and I definitely will desert you.

While I do comment you for not operating a motor vehicle in your current state, it is also unacceptable to play video games online while drunk or high.

Just a note, if your gamertag is comprised exclusively of leet speak, the only person who will expediently recognize your name is you.

In order to send an audio message over Live, you must first turn your microphone on.