Human Zoo: Icy Birthday

In the year 8583, the human race will be conquered by aliens from the planet Kerry. This will cause the human race to be subjugated to the level that animals currently exist on. Like animals, most humans will be left to roam free, provided they don’t encroach on the Kerryites. However, the fast, slow, rare, cute, and sexually provocative ones will be put into Human Zoos for the amusement of the Kerryites and the young Kerryite-ets. This is the story of those in captivity.


Zoo exhibit, day. Brian is walking around listlessly in the exhibit. Carl is sitting in the corner facing the wall. Dawn walks into the exhibit and looks at Brian.


Dawn- What are you doing?

Brian- Trying to get some exercise. The handlers took away my Bowflex after Carl started hitting the visitors with it.

D- Why was he doing that?

B- Because he couldn't fuck the thing.

D- Damn, that guy is screwed up. By the way, I heard the handlers talking, happy birthday big man.

B- (Unenthusiastic) Hurray.

D- What's with the downer attitude?

B- I'm slightly older today that I was yesterday. The difference is, today everybody feels the need to point it out to me.

D- So, you don't feel special at all? Didn't the handlers give you anything special?

B- They did. They gave me a honey baked ham, some asparagus, a piece of cheesecake and a bottle of Coke.

D- That sounds nice. How does it taste?

B- I don't know.

D- Were you saving it so you could have a romantic dinner with me?

B- If it makes you happy, sure.

D- So, where's our nice dinner Mr Sexy Man?

B- It's in that block of ice over there.

Brian motions to the slowly melting block of ice containing the dinner.

D- No. You're fucking kidding me.

B- Nope, there it is. The nice romantic dinner you wanted. If you want it, have at it. Just remember to use your chest to get at it.

D- That ice is just going to ruin the flavor of the ham, and the cheesecake-

B- Not to mention what it'll do to the Coke. Why the fuck did the do this?

D- Other zoos have done it.

B- God damn it! Are these handlers Kerryites or fucking Lemmings?

D- This idea they ripped off is just horrible. Not like that artificial insemination idea.

Dawn has a growing look of bliss come across her face.

D- That was just...

The overwhelming feeling of bliss has taken Dawn away from reality for a time, untill-

B- Dawn!

Dawn pops back into reality.

D- Oh, sorry. Just sort of drifted away there.

B- You seem to do that often.

D- That's what she said.

B- What?

D- Nothing.

B- By the way, what's Carl doing over in the corner?

D- Oh, you think my sexual obsession is bad, check out Carl.

B- What?

D- One of the visitors dropped his iPod Touch, and Carl managed to get at the thing before the handlers noticed.

B- Yeah.

D- Well the iPod Touch has Wi-Fi capability, and there's a little pocket of Wi-Fi reception in that corner. So Carl is over in that corner using his iPod Touch to watch porn on Youtube.

B- What? No way.

D- Serious.

B- Damn that's pathetic. There's not even any good porn on Youtube.

D- How do you know that?

B- Carl let me borrow the Touch in exchange for allowing him to fuck my Bowflex.

D- Ewwww. Now I really do prefer the steel shaft to you.

B- Mechanics are nice, but humans are superior. I can't explain why, they just are.

D- There are times I beg to differ. Besides, the Kerryites rule the world, so they are superior to humans.

B- Then, why don't you go fuck them?

D- No, they'd consider that sick. Sort of like you fucking a dolphin.

B- You know, Carl might be into that.

B&D(Together)- (Sigh)

D- We're never going to have enough privacy to have sex, are we?

B- Not unless Carl attacks some of the visitors.

D- Hmmm. Hey Carl! I heard one of the Kerryite visitors has a portable device with some real human porn on it.

Carl hears this. Carl then gets up, puts his iPod Touch down, and starts running toward the visitors.

Carl- God damn it! Get the fuck out of my way!

Carl jumps, gets to the visitors, and starts to go on a rampage. The Kerryite visitors begin to run in terror, except the ones who are oblivious to the situation because they're listening to their iPods. They are the first victims. Brian then stops his exercise routine, walks over to Damn and pulls her close to him.

B- I like a woman who takes initiative.

D- I like a man whose not a pervert.

B- You get yourself ready, I'll get the ball gag.

Brian walks off away from the exhibit. Dawn has a disappointed look on her face at Brian's last comment, but she shrugs her shoulders and says,

D- Oh well, he'll do.

Dawn walks off following Brian.

THE END